Tag Archives: Culture

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Emotional cruelty to children makes for great entertainment

I’ve got an idea for the new internets video sensation. I’m gonna strap several small children to chairs and play movies to them of small cute animals meeting the wheels of large mobile vehicles. Then I’ll film their reactions and post them on the internets. I can’t fail! I’ll get a billion clicks overnight! Cool!

So usually, I’m the idiot who yells at folks who get offended by things. But in the case of Jimmy Kimmel getting parents to play with their kids’ brains on Halloween candy? Well, I’m not offended as much as depressed that this is what passes for hit entertainment.

Could you ever picture Johnny doing anything like this? No, Johnny had class. This stunt is positively classless. It’s also very, very creepy. Degenerate parents are so off the wall narcissist that they’re chasing internets clicks via the pain of their kids.

Yeah I know, I have also repeatedly said I hate bubble wrapped kids. But there are other ways to goof off with your kids. To play with their heads so they learn how to emotionally react to an ever-changing cruel world. Remember simple wholesome things like, “Got your nose”?

If “Got your nose” is the old school equivalent of a functional society, then “I ate all your candy” is the motto of a culture bound for the crypt. Enjoy the ride, friends.

I want to kidnap the parents of these kids, inject them with mind-expanding-chemicals, and then video tape them as I state:

“I stole all your money. You’re ruined. Fucked. All your hopes and dreams are finished. Here’s a revolver.”

And then I walk out of the room. When I post the video, I’ll get ten million clicks for sure!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sign off. I’ve got to spend some time thinking about my next shitty blog post. Tomorrow, I’ll get so many neat clicks from the textual vomit that is my brilliance. I’m so smart and clever! There is nothing wrong with this at all. All is well. Please carry on.

Jimmy-Kimmel-Live

Upon arrival in Valhalla, Johnny will punch this man square in the face

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There’s no limit to this lunacy

Attention Hollywood freaks, okay, you can do whatever you want, but you can’t call it Ghostbusters. You have to call it something else. We don’t care what it is, but it’s not Ghostbusters.

Now granted, even without the newfangled female cast we’d still be upset. You can’t have Ghostbusters without Harold Ramis. So as far as we’re concerned Ghostbusters is over. Because Ramis is currently engaged in a duel of the fates with Jimmy Stewart in Valhalla over a half loaded revolver, a burning candle, and a pair of goblets.

So what do we want? Well, probably just for them to leave it alone. It’s over, enjoy the movies for what they were. But no, we can’t do that, because they need to make more money. And name and/or concept recognition trumps the ability of a depraved Hollywood culture to come up with the apparent miracle of a new, fresh idea.

This has gotten out of hand. What’s next? Casablanca 2? Only this time (since there are no legit villains anymore) they get to battle “Hitlar” in New York. Hitlar’s a rich oil tycoon who likes to dispose of used 55 gallon oil drums in elementary schools.

And everything’s got to be an action movie now. So Sam’s suddenly proficient with a machine-pistol. And Rick and Ilsa have to meet in a Manhattan gin bar, again. Just so stupid folks in the theater can scream, “Awh shit son, he just said it! He just said it!”

How about Godfather 4? Al Pacino’s still got some gas left in the tank? Although they’d have to explain away the whole orange scene. But they can do it, somehow. Just look at the illogical mess they conducted in order to remake Star Trek. And it got them $853M.

Don’t think they won’t do it, folks. It’s just crazy enough to work. Just ask Harold Ramis!

ramis

HR: [monotone delivery] I sure hope these new producers know real Ghostbusters. Because if they do this, I shall haunt them. At night. As a ghost.

TAP: Thanks Harold.

HR: You are welcome.

TAP: …

HR: I’d like my fee now.

TAP: Oh. … [slowly unrolls bills from wad of cash] 

HR: I don’t have all day.

TAP: [speeds up unrolling]