Great news everybody! Chairman Xi’s new tome is out. Entitled “The Governance of China II” it supposedly lays out all the answers you’ve been looking for in life, including:
1) How to interpret your place in a materialistic, existential world when your true calling is to become one with Xi Jinping Thought.
2) What happens to you when you assume your bleached skeleton status.
3) How Capitalism with Chinese Characteristics is the new Master Plan for Eternal Global One Man Rule.
4) Why The Walking Dead remains an active television show.
5) How thirteen year old Chinese girls who profess their love for K-Pop will be liquidated for crimes against the Party.
6) Why folks care about celebrities who they will never meet and who will never give them a single moment’s thought.
8) Why royal weddings are a thing, even for people who are not British. As a coworker said to us the other say, this is downright creepy.
And so on.
Please hold your applause at the awesomeness of all this.
[perfunctory clapping from crowd ensues, clapping continues incessantly until permission to stop clapping is given by a ringing bell]
But it’s all good, because estimates state that Xi has sold less than 100 copies of the hardcover version (the soul infused version is offered free) in Britain. This means there are more people in Britain who are attempting to brew their own homemade Celtic barley wine in bathtubs than bought this book.
But don’t fret! For a few weeks ago a big London shindig involved several hundred honored guests with the keynote address from Prince Andrew himself. His Highness (not Highness) called Xi’s piece a “milestone”. Oh my, what praise!
Now I’ve briefly met folks who have directly worked with Andrew and did not have a very high opinion of him to say the least. So it could be that Andrew simply sold out. Xi gave him straight cash to make a guest appearance at this event. Kind of like how celebrities endorse deodorant.
But, let’s go ahead and give Andrew some credit and say that didn’t happen (cue laugh track). What I think is happening is Andrew is either a complete idiot and actually likes Xi’s book (possible). Or, he is sucking up to Xi in order to further Britain’s goal to get a post Brexit free trade deal with China.
Which brings us to the real point (cue laugh track) of this post. Everybody is chasing the Chinese pink dragon.
For the uninitiated, the pink dragon is a reference to the use of narcotics in the 60’s. As I was not alive then, I was first introduced to this concept by South Park where Stan literally chases a pink dragon in the video game Heroin Hero.
Everybody wants in on that sweet, sweet Chinese heroin. Oh, I mean gold, yeah, gold. Not heroin. Or fentanyl. [cricket; cricket; cricket] So what you’re seeing more and more in the modern world is people losing their minds over a market of 1B people essentially commanded by one man. Folks drool over it. So much freaking money.
This is why Britain rolled out the gilded carpet last year when Xi visited and the world’s second true liberal democracy was left to shame itself by placing the flags of a dictatorship outside it’s royal palace. Thus Andrew is just continuing the theme.
One of the video games I play is Gwent, which is an online card game published by CD Projekt Red. It’s based on The Witcher 3 which many folks (myself included) consider the greatest video game of all time. Gwent (to abbreviate) is your standard warriors and spells kind of card game.
Anyways, Marcin Iwiński is the co-founder and CEO of CD Projekt. When interviewed in a documentary for Noclip, what did Iwiński say his number one priority was for Gwent? What was his goal? Wait for it: He wants Gwent to be a success in China.
I literally had to rewind the interview to make sure I’d heard him right. Man, to be blunt:
– There are no Asians, let alone Chinese, in Gwent or The Witcher
– Andrzej Sapkowsk wrote The Witcher series with a background of Polish culture, this culture is relatable even to dumb Americans like me because it’s still a part of our shared Western culture
– China has it’s own unique and special culture which does not easily translate to the Western mindset, and when you really try it hurts your head, trust me
And yet, Iwiński seems to think Gwent can win in China? Iwiński even went to live in China for six months so he could learn the language and generally live there and get the culture. He’s now back in Poland, I think because his family rebelled.
Iwiński is just like Andrew though, he’s chasing that dragon. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Other folks have tried chasing the dragon too. How has that worked out for Uber, academic apologists, Google, Hollywood, Facebook, and so on. Not so good.
I’m not saying folks in the West can’t influence or pull gold from China, I’m just saying it’s really, really hard. My take is that certain people in the West might be interested in Xi and China, but that Xi and China aren’t interested in them. China’s on it’s own very carefully crated plan and agenda, like it or hate it. And Xi and China don’t give a shit what anybody thinks about it.
Good luck to Andrew and Britain, but they’re not getting a post Brexit deal out of China. Good luck to Iwiński, but I don’t see Gwent working in China.
You never catch the dragon. Even Stan eventually figured this out, even after Randy Marsh is caught playing Heroin Hero too. Stan: “You don’t ever catch the dragon, Dad!”