As I ride into work on the subway I always see a lot of construction. But much of it is coming to a close as all the newfangled buildings take shape. Many of them are brand new modern city apartment buildings. First off, all of these structures are glass enclosed, fake brick nightmares that have stale architecture, no style, and look like they were designed by a logical computer program. Probably because they were designed by a logical computer program with the intent of providing the most efficiency possible. Once upon a time, humanity built beautiful buildings with soul. Even the post office was meant to have style. Now we get buildings that are designed off spreadsheet outcomes.
Second, all of these new apartment buildings have the most pretentious names imaginable. One I saw this morning is called “The Gantry”. What? According to Oxford, a gantry is: “a tall metal frame that is used to support a crane, road signs, a spacecraft while it is still on the ground, etc.” So other than to sound fancy, snooty, and otherwise give the impression that this particular apartment building only wishes to house stuck up assholes, why would you name your building after a metal frame? Of course, you wouldn’t. What I’ve written above to me is a negative trait for a building, but to the building designers it’s The Point.
The Gantry in San Francisco (not my city, yes there are several The Gantry’s in the USA [shakes head in exasperation]) says this: “EVERY COMFORT CONSIDERED. The Gantry Apartments welcomes you with studio-, 1-, 2-, and 3-bedroom apartment homes in Dogpatch, San Francisco, all designed to meet your needs and desires for a carefree and luxurious lifestyle.” It also uses the term “Luxe” on the website. To steal a quote from South Park, in order to live in such a place you have to be in love with the smell of your own farts.
But don’t worry! TAP is here to help. We’ll take care of apartment naming from now on. If building designers disagree, they’ll be sent to a Russian conscript training camp near Rostov-on-Don and their buildings destroyed by my Guests. Let’s go. Let’s fucking go!!!
1) The Gambler – We see to your every comfort, unless life’s dice roll against you, in which case we will immediately evict you
2) The Wreck of the Hesperus – Where your pride is summarily & forcefully removed via our constant vigilance towards your misery
3) As We Like It – Your every comfort is not considered, if this is a problem, you don’t have to live here
4) The Cat Burglar – All pets (particularly cats) are more than welcome at our fine establishment, just realize we will occasionally rob you for your own amusement
5) The Acolyte Politico – We have no available apartments, please kindly descend into our boiler room to tour our fine building, it is recommend your will is accurate prior to your visit
6) The Coliseum – We built our beautiful building to match Rome’s finest architecture, we also host blood sports in the penthouse every Friday and Saturday
7) Gulag – The finest of pre-revolution Imperial Russian architecture provides a backdrop to our mandate that any abject pretension detected in the building will result in severest punishment
8) The Olympian – Sports, every day, competition, we’re for the strong of all, and our building carries the boon of classic Greek architecture
9) The Hopeless – We seek to provide our residents every opportunity to consider the pointlessness of their corporeal existence, also free gym membership!!
10) The Lunatic – Why did I write this post? Someone, please help me! They made me do this, I need rescuing! Please help pay my ransom. Please kindly send cash, money order, or gold bullion to:
The Arcturus Project – Apartment Architecture & Naming Reclamation Project
C/O Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation
1794 Aguiyi Ironsi Street
Abuja 900001, Nigeria