It’s generally poor form and not beneficial to your soul and the future of the human race to wish an early expiration date upon your fellow man. But some people are so far over the line I really don’t have a problem with it. I thus give you the ongoing saga of how serial child slave trafficker, rapist, lunatic, murderer, Dallas Cowboys fan, and apocalyptic fanatic Abubakar Shekau is somehow still alive? Why can’t this man just die?
For those of you who believe in conspiracy theories or conspiracy theory movies or that only fifteen families are pulling the levers of planetary power, I give you this guy. We’re so screwed up we can’t even find and kill one single guy who really, really, really deserves it. This is how I know that if the CIA ever teamed up with Walmart and the Illuminati to put chips into all our coffee so they could get into our brains, the plot would quickly fall apart after one of the monk bagman rear ended a street cop while texting in the rain to his boss about how he left the evil plans USB drive (unencrypted) in the changing stall at the Sears while he was buying new monk-solid-white-high-top sneakers.
I mean I get it, without credit cards, smartphone chips, a desire to drink quality beer, or any plans for the future you can fall off the grid real fast. But you’d think that eventually we’d be able to buy off one of his buddies or spot him with a drone while he’s sitting inside his 1974 Buick Skylark outside the elementary school trying to kidnap another busload full of young girls.
You know I’ve said it many times, but there’s still something to be said about solving problems with a sledgehammer up front rather than allowing things to fester. What if the UN had put 100K troops on the ground for a month to comb Boko Haram’s jungle paradise? They could have stayed for a month, then left the Nigerian Army (what of it actually exists) in charge once the problem was temporarily solved and hope it somehow all worked out. Then Abubakar Shekau and all his evil buddies would have been dead, and thus not had the ability to kidnap thousands of young boys and girls to serve as child soldiers and sex slaves. That would have been a decade ago. He’s still here. Great. But hey, at least we’ve got Twitter hashtags, so whatever, we’re good.
In the meantime, I read a few weeks ago that all the fighting has basically triggered a local famine because Boko Haram hasn’t allowed a decent crop harvest in three years. Awesome. Check that into the Earth win column, please. I’m sure this issue came up last night (I kept my word and didn’t watch) as Trump and Clinton traded skilled barbs about which one has an older weathered face under $1247 of television makeup.
Uh, I need to calm down and quietly drink my coffee, I think. I’m too cynical in my cubicle. But at least I’m leaving this job soon. Oh yeah, for those who have been around this degenerate blog for a long time, I’m changing jobs. Hopefully the new one I won’t hate as much as I do this one. But either way, in the meantime? Abubakar Shekau, kind Sir, please just die.
Seriously, just fucking die.