why can’t this man just die?

It’s generally poor form and not beneficial to your soul and the future of the human race to wish an early expiration date upon your fellow man.  But some people are so far over the line I really don’t have a problem with it.  I thus give you the ongoing saga of how serial child slave trafficker, rapist, lunatic, murderer, Dallas Cowboys fan, and apocalyptic fanatic Abubakar Shekau is somehow still alive?  Why can’t this man just die?

For those of you who believe in conspiracy theories or conspiracy theory movies or that only fifteen families are pulling the levers of planetary power, I give you this guy.  We’re so screwed up we can’t even find and kill one single guy who really, really, really deserves it.  This is how I know that if the CIA ever teamed up with Walmart and the Illuminati to put chips into all our coffee so they could get into our brains, the plot would quickly fall apart after one of the monk bagman rear ended a street cop while texting in the rain to his boss about how he left the evil plans USB drive (unencrypted) in the changing stall at the Sears while he was buying new monk-solid-white-high-top sneakers.

I mean I get it, without credit cards, smartphone chips, a desire to drink quality beer, or any plans for the future you can fall off the grid real fast.  But you’d think that eventually we’d be able to buy off one of his buddies or spot him with a drone while he’s sitting inside his 1974 Buick Skylark outside the elementary school trying to kidnap another busload full of young girls.

You know I’ve said it many times, but there’s still something to be said about solving problems with a sledgehammer up front rather than allowing things to fester.  What if the UN had put 100K troops on the ground for a month to comb Boko Haram’s jungle paradise?  They could have stayed for a month, then left the Nigerian Army (what of it actually exists) in charge once the problem was temporarily solved and hope it somehow all worked out.  Then Abubakar Shekau and all his evil buddies would have been dead, and thus not had the ability to kidnap thousands of young boys and girls to serve as child soldiers and sex slaves.  That would have been a decade ago.  He’s still here.  Great.  But hey, at least we’ve got Twitter hashtags, so whatever, we’re good.

In the meantime, I read a few weeks ago that all the fighting has basically triggered a local famine because Boko Haram hasn’t allowed a decent crop harvest in three years.  Awesome.  Check that into the Earth win column, please.  I’m sure this issue came up last night (I kept my word and didn’t watch) as Trump and Clinton traded skilled barbs about which one has an older weathered face under $1247 of television makeup.

Uh, I need to calm down and quietly drink my coffee, I think.  I’m too cynical in my cubicle.  But at least I’m leaving this job soon.  Oh yeah, for those who have been around this degenerate blog for a long time, I’m changing jobs.  Hopefully the new one I won’t hate as much as I do this one.  But either way, in the meantime?  Abubakar Shekau, kind Sir, please just die.

Abubakar Shekau.jpg

Seriously, just fucking die.

It’s time to control the lives of celebrities so they can’t control us

Have you ever met a real famous celebrity? I sure hope so, because at least then you’d have been face-to-face with someone who’s trying to order you how to live.

A United Nations event that hosts world leaders is also apparently a time for a bunch of famous actors to get together and dictate to humanity. Because since they have so much money and fame, it gives them the right to tell those poorer and less famous than them (all of us) what’s right and wrong with our lives.

If any of you want to make the argument that the United Nations is a legitimate organization to be taken seriously, I invite you to now make that point. When the Secretary General is seated next a 24 year old girl whose only life qualification is that she’s a prominent actress.

So the media (not actual journalists) have deemed Emma Watson’s speech more awe-inspiring than anything ever uttered by, oh say Eleanor Roosevelt. Emma’s got it in her mind to rebrand feminism. Ah, I see, she wants to remind the other half of the human race that:

“… fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating..”

Well Emma, what would ever give us that opinion? Perhaps when you say things like:

“If men don’t have to be aggressive, women won’t be compelled to be submissive. If men don’t need to control, women won’t have to be controlled.”

Hey Emma, I don’t know you, maybe you’re an awesome person and mean well. But you know what, we men who are not rapist-drunk-beating-assholes don’t enjoy being constantly called “aggressive” lunatics hell-bent on making women “submissive” via “control”. 

If you have a problem that feminism has become synonymous with “man-hating”, maybe you should start by proofreading your own speech.

Next up to the arrogant plate was none other than everybody’s favorite man-child Leo DiCaprio, aka the coolest, sexiest man since Achilles. Leo wants to make sure you’re called to action over climate change. 

You see, Leo’s very upset that you don’t care about the climate because your world economy’s been under recession for nearly a decade and you’re distracted by silly things like war. Wars the UN apparently can’t solve. I guess the UN’s too busy scheduling press conferences for celebrities?

As summarized by humanity’s second favorite man-child, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon:

The UN secretary general Ban ki Moon said the actor’s global stardom was the perfect match for the global challenge posed by climate change.

Mr DiCaprio’s first duty in his new role will be to address the opening of the climate summit later this month in New York. 

Please to note the words “global stardom” was the descriptive qualification chosen as to why Leo should tell us what we can and cannot do.

Hey folks, did you hear! Leo’s selling his mansion(s) and all his fancy cars. He’s going to reduce his carbon footprint to the point that it’s commensurate with normal people (us). How honorable of him! We love you, Leo! You’ll lead us the promised land in a timeline/set-of-actions determined by you and only you. We’ll follow!

I mean, if he didn’t sell all his stuff, and instead just kept all his millions and his carbon footprint that’s forty-seven times larger than the average person, it’d make him a vicious-hypocrite. So you know he’ll do it, right?

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If aliens wanted to understand why our planet’s on fire, this picture would be a good start

I’m going to meddle in Hong Kong’s politics

So if I don’t make it back?  Avenge my death.

How will you know if I don’t make it back?  Well, I guess you’d notice I’m not posting anymore.  But if you’re reading this, you already know nobody reads this blog.  So it’ll be real hard for anybody to notice I’ve stopped posting because the People’s Armed Police strangled me in a Kowloon back alley using a sharpened violin string.

Read the BBC article to get the background if you don’t know the story:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-28994123

But in short, what’s the story?  Beijing wants political and cultural control of Hong Kong.  Because dominance is the Communist Party’s thing.  It’s what they do.  And fortunately for the Reds, there’s just enough turncoat rich assholes that grew up in Hong Kong who’ve realized they can make a shit ton of money helping Beijing by screwing their fellow Hong Kong citizens out of their freedom.

What’s that?  The Reds don’t want foreign countries “meddling” in China’s internal affairs?  Ah, I see.

Good news Ukraine!  China’s in your corner!  On the next UN Security Council vote, you can bet China’s got your back against Russia’s “meddling” inside your sovereign nation.

Oh, wait, no.  Uh, …

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A titanic symbol of global capitalism, ironically garnished

Team Arcturus – These guys want to put themselves out of business

So things are a little worrying in your blog author’s family life recently.  Enjoy life friends, as my aunt recently said, “Things can turn on a dime”.  When the mysteries of life upend your status quo, I think everybody gets a little crazy in their view of the world.  Accordingly, I’m going to once again indulge in another round of reckless intervention discussion.  I guess I’m just interested lately in what kind of world we will live come 2090.

Please keep in mind a few things.  I know intervention is a bad word used by smart people (them) to label dumb people (me) as out of touch with reality.  So a couple of caveats.  This isn’t about Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, or Syria.  This is about humanitarian intervention to stop the bleeding; genocide where the different parties are generally not somebody’s puppet-proxy-pawn.  I know how complicated and hard all of this is, but if we don’t start somewhere then we are just admiring the problem.  Just admiring the problem equals the ultimate failure of our race’s hopes and dreams for a bright future.

Now a few readers, who probably won’t be back, (by a few I mean two; we’re, ah, we’re new here) expressed mild disagreement (they were polite) via separate correspondence that they did not approve of a UN force that undertakes the task of having people “gets shot”.  I think their interpretation of my idea was a UN force along the lines of the paramilitary troops shown in Elite Squad (my example) where folks are shot without trials, plastic bag interrogations occur, and generally the enforcers do what enforcers do.  Well, to be honest, that’s at least partially what I had in mind.

Look, I’m not a determinist flake like a Jared Diamond, but I do think that folks are fairly well shaped by where they grow up.  A machete wielding psychopath in CAR might have turned out a fairly decent guy had he grown up under rich bankers in London.  Unfortunately for him, his path was somewhat different.  But in the end, as adults, we all make our own choices.  I’m sorry if your life was/is shit, but if you’re engaged in genocide, you either get to stop, or get shot.  Sorry.

What am I really after though?  Clearly there is enough poverty, destitution, and awfulness in our planet to overwhelm the UN’s ability to purchase, let alone expend, bullets.  The UN genocide response force discussed in my previous post (we’ll call them Team Arcturus) is not going to be able to shoot every single weapon wielding ethnic janitor.  I’m after the deterrence that comes from the initial round of UN sanctioned violence.  Now deterrence is a generally underrated concept (for most people it means nukes only), yet we employ it across our lives every day.  Ask your friendly neighborhood speed trap.

After Team Arcturus is employed two or three times, the word will get out to those who are intent on cleaning out a portion of the human race.  “Hey, the UN is interested, Team Arcturus will be here tomorrow.  Those assholes don’t play.  Let’s put away the blades, gasoline, and piano wire before we all get fucking shot.”  When people start to understand that we (the international community) mean business, that we will do what we say, then the level of viciousness might (every situation is different; and my idea may suck) inherently decrease.

The trick is of course actually doing what you say.  Right now the UN is generally ignored because it is in the business of saying a lot, but virtually doing & accomplishing nothing.  This is directly traceable to the design flaws in its organization, but it is what it is.  Would we have to rework the way the UN is run before we could create and employ Team Arcturus?  Maybe, but the recent UN combat operation against M23 near Goma is a good example of how such an action could occur under the existing UN construct.  This would not solve extremely hard situations like Syria, but at least would assist the human race in troubleshooting CAR or South Sudan or Western Burma.

Final answer to world peace?  No.  Initial answer to stop genocide and improve overall quality of human life?  Maybe.  Let’s roll the dice.

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Team Arcturus; Armored Infantryman; Circa 2090

“I get used only once a decade, because everybody knows what I do when I’m used.”