Erdogan expands post coup purge to zoo tamers

Following several days of a wide ranging crackdown that has stretched to include military personnel, police, party clowns, judges, financial accountants, youth hostel janitors, religious ministry officials, Efes brewers, and local educators, the government has announced that most if not all “apostate zoo tamers” will now be rounded up.

Said Everyday Working Man, Stooge, One Time Ferryboat Captain, Corruption Auteur, and Prime Minster Binali Yıldırım:

“I’m sorry but this parallel terrorist zoo organization will no longer be an effective pawn for any country, our animals belong to Turkey, their souls are clean,” Mr Yildirim said, according to Reuters news agency.

“We will dig them up these animals [the zoo tamers] by their roots so that no clandestine terrorist organization will have the nerve to betray our blessed people and their zoos again.”

When asked how his government would differentiate between average innocent zoo tamers and those who use their status as zoo tamers to undermine His Majesty’s the Sultan’s Legitimate Government on the Road of Democracy Until You Get Off, Mr Yıldırım stated, ‘If you are not up to anything illegal in your zoo, don’t worry about getting arrested.”

At which point, following his press conference, sources confirmed that 1,300 zoo tamers were rounded up by black clad goons sporting patches indicating their desire to free the animals.  This has led to much speculation on whether this implied the government’s position had expanded to an anti-zoo platform and the purge of workers was merely the first step in an actual complete closure of all zoos.

Reached for a post comment, a spokesman for Mr Yıldırım remarked, “Well, The Sultan’s goal is total dominance of all walks of life.  That means nobody can have fun anymore for certain, so yes, fuck it, let’s go ahead and say we’ll close all the zoos too.”

angry erdogan

“The stamp collectors are next!”  [pounds fist]  [polite clapping in room]

my version is free

I’ve never played Pokemon Go.  I never will.  So this post is more an observation vice a review.  Although if actually reviewing said game as a game, instead of a piece of likely clever and ingenious technology, I’d give it negative twelve stars.

I don’t get the human race.  Sometimes I feel like a darn alien inhabited my brain.  And he’s looking around at the goings on and he’s like, “What?  Huh?”  But basically, Pokemon Go is augmented reality.  Not a true game.  Not true virtual reality.  Something in between.  I’ll spare you the details.

But basically you walk around the real world and see the real world, but Pokémon is there too.  You can see him.  He’s over there getting fries at the drive thru window and you have to go up and say hi to him.  Or whatever.

It took humanity’s greatest leaps in technology to make this happen.  And even then servers are still crashing.  So instead of using all our powers to battle cancer or go back to the Moon, we’ve got finding Pokemon down by the Sizzler.  Uh, okay.

Hey you know what, I’ve got an even better version of Pokemon Go.  And my version is free.  It’s also augmented reality.  It’s called my freaking imagination.  Instead of picturing Pokemon, I get to pretend I’m battling dragons, or passed out drunk on the curb, or exploring this thing called a forest when I hike through it after removing the battery from my smartphone first.

Put down Pokemon Go.  Pick up your imagination.  You shall not regret it.


What I see inside my head is 1,700 times as detailed and 1,300 more fun.  I win.