Monthly Archives: November 2014

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We can’t build nothing no more

Hey remember when we built those big pyramid things in the desert last June? Don’t they look great? I mean, all that slave labor stuff isn’t neat, but at least the damn things were built to last.

Now we can’t build nothing no more. Everything’s just modern fragile garbage. If I build an apartment block today, it’ll get trashed overnight and in twenty years it’ll look like something out of Minsk Circa 2013.

Or take the new glass walkway over Tower Bridge London. The damn thing’s existed for about six hours and it already broke:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/travel_news/article-2847158/Tower-Bridge-glass-walkway-smashed-visitor-dropped-bottle-beer.html

First off, what’s the big deal with this glass walkway fetish anyways? We’ve now got one over the Grand Canyon, in Chicago Willis, inside The Church of the Holy Sepulture over “that place”, at Eiffel, and over Mao’s grave. Seriously, what’s the appeal? I don’t get it?

So you, can, like, look down, and see the ground, from beneath your feet? Way down there? Uh… (furrows brow in a vain attempt to understand the situation) … so, like, what’s, so if, I get vertigo, or imagine I can fall?

You know, if I take a swan dive off Eiffel I get a real neat view of the ground, for about 42 seconds. Why would I desire to replicate this feeling in a non-fatal outcome? Please to explain.

Second off, the article states the bridge glass cracked because, “The dropped bottle of beer caused an initial crack, but a woman walking over the broken glass in stiletto heels reportedly caused the pane to shatter further.”

So what kind of moron idiot do you have to be to design anything in London that is damaged by a broken beer bottle and stiletto heels? That’s like designing a Chicago sidewalk threatened by dropped hot dogs and disgruntled Bears fans’ feet.

Just you wait, the same dude who did the glass bridge is designing the future eighth runway at Heathrow. Expect the tarmac to be vulnerable to airplanes with more than one engine.

tower bridge glass

Even the Pharaoh’s slaves face-palm at this one

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We can put this one in humanity’s win column

Some actual good news for once! We aren’t just a bunch of degenerate losers today! We did something cool. Something hard. Something worth doing.

We managed to put metal on a freaking comet. It’s pretty awesome. And the complexity of this mission is mind boggling, which makes it even more awesome.

Mankind has looked up at the stars and held comets in very special esteem since our beginning. They’re unique, bright, and a hell of a neat thing to look at. Particularly back during the times where folks didn’t have the internets and car chases to entertain them.

Folks throughout history have called comets “good omens”, “purveyors of doom”, “gods”, or “that weird fucking thing in the south sky”. Their sightings have influenced wars, changed our view of science, and helped shape our understanding of our floating rock’s place in this twisted universe.

Now we’ve been there too.

For those interested in the technical brilliance, we’ll turn it over to Professor Rollmops at Tragicocomedia who does an outstanding job of explaining this masterpiece:

http://tragicocomedia.com/2014/11/10/six-impossible-things-before-breakfast-rosetta/

And then we’ll turn it over to our little robot to show us what’s quite the photo, hopefully the first of many:

ROLIS_descent_image_node_full_image_2

Anybody want to bet money, that later on, the robot takes a picture of this too:

Hothslug

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Absurdity of the Week! Stupid Names!

Why do companies keep changing their names to shit that means absolutely nothing?!

And now it’s time for our weekly (not weekly) absurdity of the week fact to be published on a weekly (not weekly) basis. Oh, the joy of pointing out all of life’s little absurdities. (slowly loads revolver in a dark room)

SAIC became Leidos

(because you don’t want a computer company’s name to sound like a computer?)

Philip Morris became Altria

(so we’d forget they marketed death sticks to six year olds back in the forties?)

Blackwater became Xe became Academi

(goon academy?)

ING US became Voya

(uh…?)

Why are all these names creepy, poetic nonsense that sounds like divine excrement that emerged from Greek gods? Do these folks think they’ll suddenly become household memorable company terms because they now have a unique name? A name so unique it doesn’t exist as a real word in all of human history?

ING US is now Voya so they sound like a neat smooth sexual dream instead of a degenerate bank. Because nothing says I should trust all my money more with these guys, a company that trashed its cherished long term name for an unknown short term benefit. 

You know what, everybody should do this. It’s a chance for a new start! 

Hitler can change his name to Orsensya. Satan can become Astinara. Kim Jong Un, Destructicus. 

Or take McDonalds! They’ve got some issues lately because their food, while nostalgically awesome, still leaves an aftertaste that reminds one of their old styrofoam tins. Chipotle and Five Guys are cleaning their clock because of silly things like food quality. Time for a new era!

McDonalds becomes Enarius

“i’m lovin’ it” becomes “culinary wisdom of the ages”

Ronald McDonald becomes Mister Enarius, a 55 year old white guy in a loose fitting toga who hangs out with little children alone at The Enarius House of Culinary Wisdom.

Enarius

This idea cannot fail. Give me the $3M in marketing fees. What could go wrong?