to Office Space is a verb

I watched four of my employees this morning struggle mightily with the photocopier like it was cavemen learning about fire. They fought the machine for a half hour before they got it to work again. This copier is brand new, and it already is failing. It’s a Xerox, who has been making copiers since 1959 and things still don’t work.

You’d think if they’d been making the same kind of machine for over six decades they’d have figured this sort of thing out. Nope! Everybody around the planet is still struggling with the same flaws, failure, frustrations, and fury. It’s almost like they build these machines poorly on purpose. So you can pay them for maintenance or have to buy a new one all the time.

Everybody wants to Office Space their photocopier. It will always be so. Aliens don’t even need to blow up the planet to take over. They just need to give every family on Earth their own copier. After one month of dealing with failure, we’ll be begging the aliens to become our overlords. Just as long as they destroy all copiers.

not complying with electronic equipment environmental disposal / destruction laws is the dream of every white collar employee

Japan hosts sporting event, things happen

Five years later I can’t really say my overall opinion of the Olympics has changed much. This boondoggle probably made a whole bunch of Japanese construction guys super rich ala The Bad Sleep Well. Instead, they probably should have spent all the money fixing Fukushima but oh well. What’s a two week sporting event for supermen and superwomen when you can just go ahead and dump a billion gallons of radioactive water into the oceans. Silly oceans, what do they really do for humanity anyways?

What really is kind of crazy is how the IOC and the Japanese government are so hell bent on making this happen. To them the Olympics must happen. All the athletes are already there, rearing to go. Why? What makes these two weeks so special that they have to risk the health of the Japanese nation just so a bunch of creepily machine engineered humans can defeat the other creepily machine engineered humans by 0.15 seconds.

Well, the first answer is money. And the second answer is money. The third answer is politics (Japan sees cancellation as a political failure. Let’s not forget the IOC is a corrupt money pot like FIFA where dishonest men and women go work to take backhanders from politicians and corporations. Don’t think these politicians and businessmen are just gonna go ahead and let the Olympics get cancelled just because somebody’s health might be endangered.

I have this idea for an official Tokyo Olympics commercial. It’s of a random human buying a Coke with a Visa credit card and then getting into their Toyota with Bridgestone tires while wearing an Omega watch and they’re talking on their Samsung phone and so are so distracted as they exit the parking lot they run over a 78 year old Japanese woman on her way to get tested for covid. Then they quick cut to a whole line of rich dudes in suits licking their cigars with 10,000 Yen notes and the CEO of Omega looks directly into the camera and wryly states, “Stupid peasant, she should have gotten out of our way.”

Eh, why bother? I’ll probably just binge watch a BBC series on Netflix for two weeks. Or, like, read a book.

enjoy the spectacle, for one day, we shall die

human stupidity reaches a higher plane of existence

So we’ve started to see a brand new kind of water receptacle in the office lately.  It’s the BuildLife Motivational Water Bottle.  Here a picture of this insanity:

So you see, the purpose of this bottle is to display the time of day.  Then you get to drink as much water to get to that time.  Do you get it?  Then, if you fall behind you can read all these motivational slogans to keep you going throughout your day.  So you can stay hydrated.  DO YOU GET IT?!  Wow, who would have thought hydrating your body throughout the day could feel like a mandatory work training event where they take a roster.

You know, once upon a time humans were drinking not water, but ultra-low alcohol beer to stay hydrated.  Water was poisoned or tainted for the most part.  They drank this swill out of simple stone or pottery or animal skins.  Now we apparently need something that will set you back a minimum of $13 to look like an idiot.  At first I only saw flaky coworkers sporting this.  Now a ton of people are.

My personal water source is a nondescript stainless steel bottle in dark blue.  I have no idea what brand it is, I don’t care.  I think it cost me $5.  I think it’s about 24 ounces.  Maybe.  I drink from it five times a day.  I do so without any motivational crap whatsoever.  I just do it, it’s a task I set my mind to and I do it.  End of story.

I have some questions about the methodology of this bottle though:

1) What do you do if you get up before or after 7 AM?  Or go to bed before or after 9 PM?

2) If you’re drinking water at 9 PM for hydration purposes, wouldn’t you get a terrible night’s sleep by going to the bathroom all night?

3) If I fill the bottle with vodka instead of water does the same motivational spirit still count?

4) What happens if I get to 9 PM and I’ve only reached the 5 PM mark?  The bottle says NO EXCUSES.  What’s the bottle going to do to me when I fail, kidnap my niece?  Do I have to beat myself with a wire brush?

5) Is any human being on the planet actually motivated by statements such as “Keep going” or “Tons of ENERGY”?  If so, they should severely contemplate their life choices and report to a reeducation camp.

6) Is purchase and display of this bottle more of a personal flair statement first, and a water source second?  Kind of like how you wear a tie of your favorite sports team or stupid superhero character?

7) The water bottle is clear, so if you’re outside or it’s hot, you have to suffer all day drinking hot water.  Or, constantly have to put it back in the fridge or cooler thus killing the perpetual hydration process the bottle requires.

8) If two people have this bottle, and it’s 3 PM, and one person has met the bottle’s demanded goal, and the other person hasn’t, does the person who’s fallen behind have to cut off their pinky like Yakuza?  Is the shame too great?

9) How long will this company / fad last before they go bankrupt and the founder moves onto Etsy to design Hello Kitty water bottles so poorly even the Japanese don’t buy them?

10) Why did I do this post?

We, here, at TAP are here to help.  Motivation is for losers.  Demotivation is for those who take life seriously and are winners.  Here are our bottle recommendations:

7 AM – Congratulations, you woke up, you lived.  Nothing else you accomplish today will be just as successful.

9 AM – Drink this water, or you’ll die.

11 AM – Just kidding, you’re going to die one day anyways.  Resistance is futile.

1 PM – You have accomplished nothing of actual value today.

3 PM – Whatever you have done today will be meaningless to you in three years.

5 PM – In 147 years, nobody will remember your bleached skeleton ever existed.

7 PM – Are you with family or alone?  Either way, you’re alone.

 9PM – There is a monster under your bed.  It’s the monster inside your head.  Fear everything.  Sleep tight.

when are you actually in space?

A whole lot of very, very rich and famous people are going to be making their first trips into “space” in the next year or two.  There are essentially three private companies getting launches out the door:  Amazon, Tesla, and Galactic.  These aren’t their actual company names but you all know the three lunatic billionaires behind all this.  These genius businessmen / ten year old boys are going to send people up there for millions in coin per ticket.  Plus they’ll go up on their own.  Bezos is going first.

There’s also an effort to send people up to the ISS.  There are currently two competing movie companies sending Russian and American film teams up to the ISS to shoot C grade movies that’ll look like trash.  I think Tom Cruise is the American guy, because of course.  This is not a joke.  He’ll get space madness (his normal demeanor) and treat everybody around him like human garbage (also his normal demeanor) before the drunken Russian botanist puts him out the airlock.  Then Cruise will get what he always wanted, seven billion people always able to look at him for all eternity.  But seriously, Tom’s a talented fun actor.

But, what exactly is the barrier of space?  As in, when are you actually in space.  Though behind a play wall, The Economist gives a pretty good background for the accepted definition.  But apparently there really isn’t an accepted definition.  It’s between 80-100 kilometers up depending on who you ask.  BUT, this is not enough altitude to actually put you into orbit.  You get up there, see the black, feel some lack of gravity, but you end up coming straight back down to Earth like an artillery shell.

So if Bezos goes up there in his rocket, and only feels weightlessness for a few minutes, and then immediately comes back down on a parabolic trajectory is that actually space?  No.

We propose a new definition of space.  We’ll call it the Arcturus Space Definition Those Who Disagree Will Be Purged First (ASDTWDWBPF):  You have to reach orbit, and then complete a single orbit.  Then you’ve been to space.  Anything less than that, in terms of altitude or length of time in space, then you haven’t been to space.

Gagarin completed a single Earth orbit 70 years ago.  He went to space.  If you want in on the space club, you have to match Gagarin’s flight at minimum.  Otherwise, you’re a fraud and total loser.

Unrelated picture of a Bond villain who’s actually not going to get to space.  So Bond is unimpressed, ignores nonexistent space travel, takes the day off, gets blasted in a Moscow bar, toasts Gagarin, takes three Russian women back to his hotel room.

Cena likes money

John Cena likes money. That’s about all you need to say in conclusion after watching his forced, hostage video-like, confession of crimes that would make even the most jaded of Community Party goons proud and open to tears.

I mean, you could take it to extremes and be like: John Cena hates democracy, universal human rights, and supports genocide. That would probably be accurate, but still at least a little over the top for what’s actually inside his brain.

But the reality doesn’t really get past the hard goal of coin. John Cena likes money. China has money Hollywood wants China’s money. Hollywood will do as China tells it. John Cena will do as China tells him.

You need look no further for other examples than LeBron James / entire NBA (who worship BLM, but who also somehow apparently don’t believe in universal human rights, but also love money) or Zucky (who still has a copy of Xi’s book on the desk inside his heart, and who also loves money).

One of China’s most effective weapons is not what it does, but what it makes money loving cowards do for them without prompting. China didn’t send a knife wielding goon to Cena’s house. Cena did this entirely on his own. It’s quite pathetic. Cena is a grown man allowing somebody he’s never met determine what he says.

You know I just watched Five Came Back by Netflix where it chronicles how Ford, Wyler, Capra, Huston, and Stevens basically left Hollywood to put their lives and careers on the line to defeat fascism. It cost them their bodies and their brains for the rest of their lives.

I guess if China invaded Taiwan, or China continues to exterminate an entire culture, or if China sank a few US aircraft carriers, Cena would have to apologize to China for all the trouble we caused them.

I think Cena, James, Zucky, and all these celebrities and tech goons think the rules are different now. That China is not Imperial Japan, Nazi Germany, or Soviet Russia. And so taking China’s money is perfectly fine. That they will do as they’re told, cash that check, and there couldn’t possibly be consequences.

They should tell that to their Muslim neighbor, particularly if they’re Uighur. Or maybe they can go on record and explain to America why they think Communist China is awesome, and how Democratic Taiwan is full of losers. In the meantime, it completely exposes them as money loving hypocrites who society should ignore, but won’t.

There is a very clear choice. China is not shy of describing what kind of world they want the 21st Century to generate. They’re not lying, it’s all very clearly put out there by Xi and his people. But these dudes have made a choice, and the choice is money.

quick boss changes are fun

I’m constantly amazed at how human organizations so easily decide to spike their own success. We do it to ourselves. It’s not like one of those science fiction episodes where the slug in the brain makes people do dumb things. In real life, the alien slugs would take a hard look at us, then set up shop in Bermuda and get wasted while we do their work for them.

My good boss has been in the job for three years. Now he’s leaving, and they’re replacing him within one week. Do you think one week is enough time for a solid turnover between bosses? Well, our executive leadership sure thinks so. Which is another mark against them for why I wouldn’t let them walk my dog for three seconds unsupervised.

The other thing is the new boss has zero experience doing this job. So we got that going for us too. It’ll be a long six months as we drag this poor bastard across the bureaucracy of our asinine cubicle hell work environment. We’re gonna have to hold this guy’s hand every step of the way.

Here are some examples:

1) Boss makes a statement, as fact, when in reality it is fiction because he hasn’t the background

2) Boss makes his escape and attends a meeting without the subject matter expert to keep him honest and unknowingly destroys project

3) Alien slug monster calls boss on phone to verify ineptness continues, when confirmed, slug hangs up phone and orders another martini

4) Boss gets angry and yells at and demeans fellow human being in frustration at inability to comprehend knowledge he does not possess

5) Boss attempts to make up for lack of experience by ingratiating himself with executive leadership, thus removing the blocking powers of prior good boss, and causing all the executive’s bad ideas to become our problem

6) Slug monster sends a false pretentious, patronizing thank you not to new boss with the name of an old friend, slug writes that new boss is the best, smartest person in the world, and needs essentially no advice to excel

7) New boss awkwardly attempts social contact at mandatory (and covid illegal) work greeting event by telling humorous (to him) stories from things he did 17 years ago

8) Boss asks question, we give answer, boss asks same question 11 days later

9) Old good boss asks us how we’re all doing when we run into him in the hallway, extremely awkward and inaccurate comments are uttered and old good boss feels bad

10) Alien slug monster wants to speed up the pace of disaster, tells us that we must give bad advice to the new boss and that if we don’t, slug monster will set off a fusion bomb underneath a city, when we discover that the bomb is in Brussels, we shrug and laugh at them

do barbers have access to black magic?

My memory is awful. My brother will quote life events to me that in my brain are a complete blank slate. So remembering faces is always hard for me. It takes me a while even with coworkers.

At my barbershop, which I visit about once a month, two of the barbers already know me by face and can remember how to cut my hair. These guys see what, like hundreds or thousands of customers in a month. How do they recognize me like that?

Is it that barbers learn this skill over time, or is it that people skilled in identifying faces are naturally inclined to become barbers? Or is a little of both?

Or do barbers have access to black magic that gives them this skill? Like the Barber’s Guild has a blood debt with the Aztec demon god Itzpapalotltotec and he gives them super powers. Just like Bill Belichick, though they aren’t working for him this year.

Just thought I’d bring this barber thing up randomly. Nothing else is going on today that’s important after all. Enjoy our day!

“Why yes, have a seat, I already know how you like it. Also, you haven’t been eating well lately, I know this, you should cut back on the booze. And your Mother needs a call or two extra this week. Don’t look at me like that, just let me sharpen my razor to an ultra fine edge and we’ll get started.”

retire “hump day”, or else

We’re back!  After an unexplained 477 week absence.  Did you miss us?  No?  Oh, ah, uh, hmm, we thought folks missed us.  [cricket, cricket, cricket]

So we’re back to talk about what massive important topic to the human race?  Global pandemic?  Locust swarms?  The shortage of effective keys and locks?  No!  But rather, the continual use of the term “hump day” at work.  Oh my!  The horror.

1) This joke was mildly amusing when the Geico goons put this out nine years ago.  I say mildly, as in something you’d chuckle about once and then wish to forget forever.  But folks kept saying it again and again in the camel voice.  It won’t die.  Why?  Why won’t this die?

2) Why do folks carry on and spout jokes written by a boardroom of faceless suits?  Geico is famous for this.  They’re not jokes folks.  They’re made to separate money from people.  If you want to inject humor into the workplace, please use something not written by the Giant Octopus.

3) The term Hump Day has Jumped the Shark.

4) Saying even anything remotely sexual in the workplace now gets you drawn and quartered by the Stazi.  The word “hump” is associated with sexual behavior.  We must retire its use in the workplace otherwise the office will be burned to the grown by Antifa.

5) The camel actor in the original Geico commercial was euthanized over five years ago.  His Kuwaiti owners didn’t want to pay for his anti-biotics.  I’m sorry.  I’m so very, very sorry.

6) The concept of Hump Day is that the week is half over and it can only go happily calmer or get better from there until the joy of the weekend arrives.  This theory is shit.  Everyone knows at 1pm on Friday you’ll get that fucking phone call that makes you want to quit your job that very instant.

7) Elves are responsible for your decreased workplace satisfaction.  I know this to be fact.  The sources My Guests possess are unimaginable and infallible.

8) Enjoy your day!

Dromedary skeleton

everybody’s wood shed day comes eventually

work is an intrusion to home

Every human needs a sanctuary, a place where they can unplug and not be accountable to anybody but themselves or their immediate family.

For the white collar worker this evil virus has eviscerated that line.  Yes, it’s been dulled for years as high fliers or big shots checked their work e-mail at 12:31 in the morning just to keep themselves in the game, but now it’s in overdrive.

For blue collar workers who are either out of a job or have to expose themselves to the virus every day on the jobsite this is a good problem to have though.

I’m now on week two of online conferences and courses for work at home and it’s extremely jarring.  I don’t want to hear big shot #43 run his mouth about how awesome he is while I hear my washing machine go.  It’s an intrusion on my castle.  It feels odd.  It feels wrong.  Honestly, I’d just rather be at work.

A few publications that aren’t busy (still) playing politics have begun to ask very important questions about where society will be after the first global pandemic in a century.  My worry at this particular moment is the work world and the your world will be essentially blended from now on.  You did it for months, so why can’t your boss ask you do to work at home whenever the hell they want?  At whatever time they want?

This isn’t normal and it isn’t human.  But whether we like it or not, maybe it will become the new normal?

a classy drink for the true gentlemen

You may have noticed recent television advertisements where ordinary average gentlemen, day care worker, former crash scene investigator, and jai-alai extraordinaire Conor McGregor shills for Proper 12 whiskey, aka his own whiskey company.

Just as a reminder, here is the video of McGregor sucker punching an old man square in the face in a Dublin pub for refusing to drink his “shite” whiskey.

Conor’s walking around with his bottle and handing out free shots.  Conor lays the plastic cups on the bar and the old man emphatically takes two of them and slams them back behind the rail.  Conor didn’t take this well and like all true gentlemen responded with cowardly violence.  Conor has to be physically restrained by his handlers otherwise I guess he would have kept wailing on this guy?  What a piece of shit.

So if you want to drink Proper 12 (my Guests and I aren’t sure why anybody would particularly when there are 271 better whiskeys available) in case you were tempted we propose the following.  You can drink Proper 12, but if you have to take a bare knuckled punch to the face from that old man.  You might not think this is a big deal, but:

1) Old man directly and deliberately shined on lethal martial arts champion

2) Old man takes a sucker punch directly to the skull without falling from his bar seat

3) Old man thinks so little of said sucker punch that he doesn’t even bother to rise from his stool

4) Old man did all of this while probably six pints into the black stuff clearly in front of him

Do you want to fight that old man?  We sure don’t.  Don’t drink Conor’s shite.

proper shite

spot the shite in this shot