Lots of things are everywhere: oxygen, people, squirrels, cable hate news, oppressive heat, ghosts, and so on. But public music has (for whatever reason inside my twisted brain) been my problem lately.
The easiest example of this is the lightweight, feel good, soft rock or pop rock they play in the grocery store. My contempt for this knows no bounds. I have to bring my own music; I can’t stand to listen to it otherwise.
They just opened this dynamite Yucatan place within walking distance of my apartment. They’re a small chain but are awesome. I walk by them this morning towards the train station and they now have a speaker that blasts music outside their front door, it’s playing soft rock.
If there’s anything I can’t stand more than music I can’t stand, it’s music broadcasted to the public in a manner that assumes the least amount of risk possible. I’m sure a team of corporate suits got together and developed, “Safe Corporate Playlist for Modern Demographic Populace – Version #498b”. This is available to your local chain store for $14.99 a month per store. The suits made billions last year and then blew it all on their third boat and coke.
We here at TAP are here to help. Our wisdom knows no bounds. Our ideas will be adopted everywhere. Please spread the word. Your cooperation, as always, is truly appreciated. We truly, do truly, desire to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum. Here is what we want played in public from now on:
1) generic, faceless, pointless soft rock
2) unhinged death metal to include constant screaming and nonsensical electric guitar riffs lasting seven minutes
3) genuine classical music
4) medieval monk chants with accompanying children’s choir
5) full blown profanity laced gangster rap that makes elderly women exclaim “Oh Dear!” inside the store
6) Michael Jackson, sandwiched before and after with voiceovers regarding the exploitation of children
7) spoken word album read by Christopher Walken on the Book of Ruth
8) genuine classic metal back before all those bands sold out
9) violin or flute playing by a talented high school student
10) we’ll throw in some female pop rock or whatever they call that stuff, the one with the famous women
11) country music, or at least the unimaginative kind not written by a team of Nashville boardroom suits
12) audio playback of YOUR coworkers talking in the next cubicle about the most mundane and eye wateringly foolish things
13) chants from a reborn ancient Aztec death cult which will make even the most hated of modern political views seem tame by comparison
14) classic Sinatra; as in the ones he recorded while completely wasted, with a dame waiting in the next room
15) no Christmas music, ever
16) Vladislav’s greatest hits of 1976, including his famed electrical metal album, “Tashkent or Bust”
17) please, help me
18) no really, please help me
19) I don’t know why I did this
20) 20! 20 line items; blogs are magical