Guess what, the planet doesn’t care. Hey, here ya go. Enjoy a Category 4 hurricane. Have fun, losers! Signed, your best friend, Earth.
Guess what, the planet doesn’t care. Hey, here ya go. Enjoy a Category 4 hurricane. Have fun, losers! Signed, your best friend, Earth.
Alexei Navalny will hopefully live. And even more hopefully not have permanent damage to his body. But who know what rabid poison they flushed into him.
I may not have always seen eye-to-eye with some of Navalny’s ideas, but you can’t argue the courage of a guy who’s gone face-to-face with one of the world’s most dangerous men for years.
Let’s face it, Putin is untouchable. Vlad could stroll into a senior citizen’s bingo hall wearing a $10K custom made three piece suit, dual-wielding a pair of Yugoslavian machine pistols, shoot everybody in the room, and still get away with it.
So if you’re the doctors in Omsk, how awkward is this for you? Do you save the guy’s life? Of course. Do you now have to look over your shoulder for as long as you or Vlad lives? You bet.
On a separate note, execution methodology says a lot about how cultures work in today’s modern society. For example:
Russia – poison in public without trial
North Korea – antiaircraft gun in public with show trial
China – needle or gunshot in secret with or without trial
Saudi Arabia – beheading in public with trial
USA – needle with trial, seconds after Supreme Court refuses to intervene
Iran – hanging in secret, with or without trail
“Welcome my friend, welcome, please sit. Some tea?”
“Uh no, no Vlad, I’m good. Ah, thanks though, bro. Appreciate the offer.”
[Vlad smirks, knows you’re drinking the tea one way or another]
If you want to get a good idea of just how viciously evil Chairman Xi is (and with what callousness he views hundreds-of-thousands of virus deaths) you need look no further than what’s been done to Hong Kong these last few months.
To Xi and the Communist Party a global catastrophe they caused is the chance to crush any remaining freedoms in Hong Kong for good. Effective today Beijing basically just said they can rule by decree and override Hong Kong’s neutered legislature.
That’s it folks, there’s nothing left. The executive, the business community, and certainly the police are already apparatchiks, without elected legislators who matter it’s over. There’s nothing stopping Beijing from criminalizing anything that displeases them.
Kindly observe how the planet does not care. America is lead by a guy who clearly doesn’t believe in universal human rights. Britain only wants a trade deal from China. The EU is so dysfunctional it couldn’t change the battery on a wall clock.
A lot of folks have made the case since 1989 that China was somehow a safer global power than the Soviet Union ever was because China wasn’t actively trying to export their system of governance to the world. I disagreed then, I disagree now.
Xi and the Communist Party have a very clear idea of how they believe the entire human race should live. Anybody who thinks they’re going to stop at Hong Kong is a fool. If I was Taiwanese, I’d be terrified.
Circa 2022, they’ll do the same thing to this guy, only at 1am and inside his home
It would seem virus battle tactics are the new arena of politics. In an era where everything must be political, soon your tooth brushing method will determine how you vote.
In the meantime, the debate has centered on whether to reopen the economy and risk increased death. Or to keep the economy closed and risk financial death. Both these options suck.
But there’s a third way that folks seem to mostly ignore which is what I find baffling. China’s Communist Party’s talking point is only their all powerful neck stopping model can defeat the virus. They’re lying, started this to begin with, and are downplaying their own virus infection/death statistics.
The answer lies in South Korea, Taiwan, Australia, New Zealand, and to a lesser extent Germany. This is the competent category.
Into the incompetent category you can shove the US, Italy, France, Spain, Britain, and of course Communist China. The answer to this virus is simply that government should do its job. Instead of sucking.
Sure, there are significant privacy, social, cultural, and obedience factors that likely make introducing a South Korean virus battle methodology into the US problematic, but does that mean it shouldn’t be seriously discussed? Instead of, you know, just keeping to the same failed talking points both sides have adopted? The virus doesn’t care who folks voted for. South Korea never even executed a full lockdown.
I think in the coming decades this will become a more glaring aspect of our planet. Sure, the differences between democracy and oligarchy are stark. But what will really set apart nations is simply those that are governed competently, and those that are not. It will be readily apparent say by 2035, and the split begins now.
In the third incident this year alone, dashing war hero General Han Solo crashed landed the Millennium Falcon into a bantha manure pile barn. Witnesses say they observed a drunken Solo depart The Cantina only minutes before the increasing common aviation incident.
The episode mirrors other recent occurrences such as where Solo taxied his borrowed T-16 across an active landing pad. Or when several years ago Solo flew the Falcon low over a transport carrying 110 civilian passengers.
In the latest event Solo was said to have been upset after he and General Leia ended their tumultuous but galaxy wide famed relationship for the fourth time in five years. “I really don’t know why he tied one on like that,” said ace pilot and obsessive skirt chaser Wedge, “They’re just gonna get back together again in a few months.”
The Falcon is said to be down for several weeks of repairs. But perhaps the more significant concern were the injuries sustained by famed Rebel warrior Chewbacca whose ultra long right leg suffered fractures in five places. As a warlike race, when told he would require several surgeries and months of hoverchair time the wookie was said to have moaned, “Kill me. Please, kill me,” repeatedly to a largely disinterested medical droid.
Critics, likely Imperial sympathizers, have suggested that were Solo anybody but General Solo he would have lost his pilot’s license years ago. “Are you kidding me,” said Constable Red Shirt, “If I took his license the Rebel underground would have my throat slashed that very night.”
Others have wondered if a breathing device could be affixed to the Falcon’s cockpit to verify Solo was sober before powering up the engines but others are skeptical of the plan. Said Wedge, “He’d just shoot it first.”
Dejected, with his face clasped between his hands, Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez was said by close aids to be ready to retire. “I don’t know what happened, we were so close,” said the longtime operative, “I mean, I know it was a long shot putting an eight year old boy up front, but even when he washed out I was sure Bernie could ram his way through. I mean, Bernie’s psychotic followers probably think he has his own Moon base, their rage should have been enough. What the hell happened,” Perez lamented as his stroked his prized MAGA hat. Aides continued to marvel at the failure of Perez’s finely tuned master plan, so expertly crafted. Said 23 year old intern Michelle Anderson of Soho, “Tom put up 47 candidates, half of them lunatics, the other half as bland or boring as paint that dried in 1734. They should have cancelled each other out, destroyed one another in an orgy of enraged partisan violence. We should have erased the field, our nominee should have been a mouth foaming zombie. How did Joe do this to us?”
Insiders described the DNC headquarters as a “dank tomb” as the Super Tuesday results posted with Biden’s shocking rebound following a series of recent gaffe’s that made a final stage Alzheimer’s patient seem lucid. “Tom just couldn’t take it,” said one DNC pollster, “he retreated into his office, tears in his eyes. He just kept sobbing and clutching his MAGA hat like it was a service dog puppy.” With voters seemingly on path to discard the 46 unelectable fodder from the field, analysts within the DNC are now said to turn their attention onto Biden’s many flaws as their next move to keep Trump great again. “Tom has a list in his office,” said one, “of the 784 different things Joe’s done in the last three decades which in this Twitter era should make him completely unelectable. It’s kind of creepy, it’s like something a serial killer would have on his basement wall.”
But some DNC workers are said to deeply question Perez’s methodology and were urging him to follow through on his retirement plans. “Tom doesn’t get it, Joe’s the kind of candidate that almost anybody would be cool having a beer with. Even if Joe started to wander off and talk about how he once broke Gandhi out of jail while dual-wielding a pair of Yugoslavian machine pistols, you’d still enjoy the drink. I don’t know how we get Trump to win given that level of likability.” At press time, Perez was said to be cold calling Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko demanding he come clean about Biden’s motorcycle gang days in a Minsk slum. An irate Lukashenko was said to have repeatedly stated, his voice rising to Perez, “You dumb fucker, this is Belarus, Belarus, do you hear me? I don’t live in Ukraine or Delaware. Did you even bother to look at Biden’s jacket colors?”
sad turtle face
“The best people to lead us all is one who has never, ever made an actual mistake,” say experts of new modern era.
When he’s not writing more esoteric, baffling Xi Thought, or establishing a mini-apartheid state, or eating barrels full of honey straight from the hive, Chairman Xi must have a busy life. So it’s pretty cool of him to descend from his famous and luscious Honey Tower to confer with a few people from the degenerate masses [who were prescreened for both disease and political affiliation and had their families held hostage at knifepoint until the cameras left].
Hey, it’s already been over a month since people started dying, but in all honesty you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near these people either. Viruses are bad things, and dictators need to avoid bad things, in order to do bad things to other people. Like locking up doctors who try to stop a bad virus from happening, that’s a bad thing.
But Xi has adopted Putin’s tactic of being a Tsar/Chairman. The sins of the Empire are the fault of local officials, only. If only Xi knew what was going on, surely HE would have put a stop to it. Only through HIS benevolence is government waste and corruption even held in check. Hell, without Xi, coronavirus would be in your kitchen right now, eating your food and beating your family with a cricket bat.
So here’s to you Chairman! [breaks full bottle of baijiu over dirty peasant’s head; alcohol gets in eyes, which the face mask is completely ineffective at protecting; peasant screams in agony; fawning sycophants clap in rhythm]
I mean, you might, I suppose it’s possible. It’s also entirely possible you could get hit by lightning or mauled by a panda bear. I saw an article this morning that said people are confusing coronavirus with Corona beer. This is further evidence of our inevitable surrender to an alien race after only 17 minutes of sustained combat. Also, apparently you can’t buy a face mask in the US anymore as they’re sold out. Seeing as how all those masks are Made in China, don’t expect a resupply anytime soon, folks.
I’m not saying this coronavirus isn’t a big deal, but perspective is required. Is this really front page news? It’ll probably kill a few hundred people. This is a tragedy, but in 2017 1.24M people died on the planet’s roads. Go ahead and try and conjure in your brain an image of 1.24M people. Also in 2017, 435K died from malaria. Are malaria and safe roads front page news?
I hold nothing but contempt for the news media because they are mostly biased (one side or the other), but really my issue is always the news media isn’t guided by perspective. When your first priority is profits, sensationalism sells. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been part of the news media’s history since somebody wrote yesterday’s events on a shard of rock (Did Blura really cave in Ug’s skull?!!!), it’s just really, really troubling to me because it spins people in the wrong directions.
You’re not going to die of coronavirus. But, just to be safe, you should take the following immediate actions:
1) Buy at least 18 bottles of Corona beer
2) Purchase the board game Pandemic so you and your loved ones have something to do when the zombies are battering down your door
4) Write on Twitter about how much you hate [insert anything here]
5) Crossword puzzles!
6) Crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside
7) Buy a shotgun so that when coronavirus is under your bed you’re armed and ready, shotguns are also efficient at protecting you from panda bears
8) Since face masks are sold out, wear a ski mask instead; conduct all your normal errands while safely wearing said mask, such as banks, the grocery, and elementary schools
9) Shake your fist at coronavirus while intoxicated on Corona
10) Avoid all roads and areas where mosquitos live
The interesting thing is despite what you read in the news I’m going by the assumption that Carlos Ghosn escaped from the evil claw death room with relative ease.
– Oh, his home was under surveillance? I love Japan, but the Japanese have a reputation for a stoic, detail oriented nature that is often unearned and comically missing: see Fukushima, the incessant problems with the Tokyo Olympic building projects, and Death Stranding. Ghosn’s home wasn’t likely under anything approaching the level of surveillance he’d have received in Mr Takashima’s subterranean volcano fortress. Ghosn probably just slipped out the back while the cop was asleep or watching the Giants destroy the Tigers, again.
– He certainly didn’t escape in a music case. For you see, what he did is his mercenary handlers drove him to an airport in the dark. Then they went to the civil aviation terminal side and boarded a private jet. For those who are unaware, civil aviation security and immigration checks are a flat joke compared to what folks go through in the steerage terminal. Ghosn may or may not have been required to present a passport and undergo a minor security check. My guess is he did neither, at least in any serious manner, and then they took off. They didn’t even have to break one guard’s neck, so boring.
– So now our hero is in the air, and on his way to Lebanon via Turkey. He flies from Osaka to Istanbul. Turkey is easy, so easy, Ghosn just paid them all off in gold doubloons. Next.
– And finally to Lebanon where he’s well known to the elite and without an extradition treaty. Japan can’t touch him there. Game over. Takashima screams at his giant video board and slams his claw down atop a mostly full brandy glass, shattering it into numerous pieces. Kitty squeals.
Hey man, I’d run too. Japan has a Stazi-like 99% conviction rate for federal charges. A man got a fairer trial in Nazi Germany.
But hey, isn’t the USA’s federal conviction rate also 99%? Why how interesting that you ask, because yes, yes it is. Damn, maybe we all better move to Lebanon while we still can.
Takashima: “I’ll get you next time Ghosn! NEXXXT TIME! [pets kitty]