we present our axe throwing business plan

So the latest urban gentrified hipster recreational activity is axe throwing. And so, um, uh, … what? Essentially people go to what is in any sense a bar/club, only while you get pasted you throw axes at wooden boards. Although it seems not all venues permit alcohol while you throw, I think it depends on the jurisdiction’s laws.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the use of any kind of weapon and the proficiency that comes with it. Throughout most of human history, the ability to expertly wield (at a minimum) a small dagger was considered necessary to remain alive. Now we’re lucky if people can chop an onion. But I just don’t get why this is a thing?

First off, how is this even legal? In today’s bubble wrapped society this is one that somehow got past the government nanny filters. Is it like those infernal scooters where regulation just doesn’t address it? I suppose there’s no law that says you can’t run an axe club, but if you tried to open a throwing knives club I bet that’d be illegal. Or heavily regulated.

As a weapons example, the axes these clubs use most closely resembles the Francisca; the quintessential battlefield throwing axe first perfected by the Franks and later used to spread mayhem by other such warlike races such as the Vikings. It was essentially an attempt to break the deadlock that was the spear and shield wall warfare of the period. The age of the longbow and armored heavy cavalry came later, but for a few hundred years it was spears, shields, and axes; backed up by limited and essentially ineffective archery.

So if you’re throwing an axe at a club with your mates, this might be cool, but you don’t get the real experience. So we at TAP are here to help. We’ll open our own axe club. Let us know what you think. We always get lots of feedback to the posts on this degenerate blog.

Here are the guidelines:

– Intoxication is mandatory, as it likely was on most medieval battlefields; the customer may choose whatever beverage they desire, but before beginning, a BAC test will verify the customer is above the legal limit to operate a motor vehicle.

– Axe throwing will not be done individually, but in a group via the shield wall. The inexperience of the customer is irrelevant. Armor and shield will be used. Those who refuse or cannot wear armor or lift shield will be ejected from the venue without refund.

– Customers will submit to a short training rehearsal on shield wall tactics so as to experience abject suffering and shocking reality of being one minor cog in a mass of human meat meant for the medieval grinder. Training mistakes will be met with physical correction with a ferocity as determined by venue management and training staff.

– Actual axe throwing is conducted from the shield wall with environmental conditions necessary to fully simulate the medieval battlefield experience. Noise generators will produce human screaming and shouting at decibel levels prohibited for airport runway employees. The building’s heat will be at a level considered medically negligent to induce dehydration. Despite the level of intoxication, no substance fitting the proper definition of food will be offered to the customer. And so on.

– Axes will be thrown by the shield wall at wooden walls simulating an opposing shield wall. Customers will be ranked by the number of axe hits assessed by venue management as solid kills or crippling blows enough to have removed the target from the fight.

– Customers with the lowest scores would normally have become medieval battlefield casualties. To simulate this for the customer, before departing the venue they will receive a single bare-knuckled punch to the face via a former, jaded heavyweight boxer. Physical injury and its associated potential medical costs are the responsibility of the customer.

– Customers with the highest scores will receive free alcohol for the remainder of the evening, a refund of their fee (paid in gold coins), diligent (legal) attention and adoration from venue employees from the gender of the customer’s choice, ample roasted meats for consumption, and several musical templates which they can sing with their fellow high score patrons.

That is all. Please carry on. Enjoy your day!

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the BBC can’t remember own failures; but we can!

Oh my, I have no life. How come I can remember a lunatic piece I wrote over four years ago but not when I last took mine doggy for a haircut? The BBC is (rightly) all over the Washington Post’s obit about how Baghdadi was just a misunderstood neighborhood religious tutor. But the BBC seems to have forgotten when it once referred to Hitler as just a poor failed struggling artist. Said this blog’s unhinged, dumb author (me) back in 2015:

I especially like how the BBC wraps their article with this one liner about Hitler:

“He went on to become Germany’s military and political leader from 1933 to 1945, launching World War Two and causing the deaths of millions.”

For some reason they wrote this line in a non-dominant, weak voice; like Hitler was just some disgruntled toll booth operator who spray painted his bosses’ car.

How about this instead, BBC:

“He went on to brutally acquire the title of Germany’s military and political dictator from 1933 to 1945, attempted to conquer Europe and committed cultural, physical, and emotional genocide against tens of millions. Nobody misses him.”

Why does this modern newspaper writing style surprise anybody? It sure doesn’t surprise me. The modern elite (which includes the media) is all about the grey. Moral equivalency is a supposed virtue now. Good/evil, black/white, are for bigots and losers. Monsters aren’t meant to be hated, they’re meant to be understood.

It’s tolerance and understanding for all! Except, for those who voted for somebody they didn’t, or for somebody who says something online about [insert anything here] that they disagree with, or if they’re fans of the Houston Astros, and so on.

In the year 2176, Big Brother will murder one-billion people. The joint BBC/Post obit headline for him: “I love you.”

PS: goodbye false caliph, you piece of shit, nobody will miss you

Japan – Niigata: when my camera was terrible

Today’s smartphone cameras have become so capable it’s hard to remember that carrying a camera was once a conscious choice. Once upon a time I had a camera in my pocket that was five times the size of a smartphone and it was complete garbage. Times have changed, have you noticed?

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On this blog, we are very, very slowly making our way through my past travels. Lots of Japan to go. Wanted to do a complete, worthwhile post on Niigata, but can’t. Nearly every one of my shots from that trip are absolute, grainy, garbage.

Most of that was me. I’m not the expert photographer I am now (cue laugh track including laughing by drunken hyenas). But also, at the time my camera was pathetic. I don’t even have it anymore, or remember what it was.

Here are the only shots worth posting. Enjoy. Who gardens better than the Japanese? Not me. Not you.

Uh, Niigata’s great. Go.

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there’s only one Joker

Apparently there’s a new Joker movie coming out.  It’s the fourth one this year.  I’ve never seen any of them.  They say this new one’s pretty good, I won’t be seeing it either.  Just don’t care, I’m over superhero, or superhero villain movies.

I think the only Joker I’ve seen was with Ledger, he did okay I guess.  I just found him completely uninteresting, even boring, because he played the part as a stark-raving-mad-brutal-psychopath.

There’s only one Joker, and it’s Jack Nicholson.  There will never be another.  All others are frauds.  His is the perfect combination of brutality, camp, evil, seriousness, character motivation & development, fun, and just plain great acting.  It will never be topped.

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That is all.  Please carry on.

 

 

Sean Bean seeks immortality

Great news! Sean Bean no longer wants to die. Said the global movie star, walking corpse, professional axe thrower, and jai-alai extraordinaire: “I’ve turned down stuff. I’ve said, “They know my character’s going to die because I’m in it!”

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“A ghost on Twitter.”

 

These are some of the positive changes in life, with so much else going wrong in the world, you can at least bank in the win column that in Bean’s forthcoming World War 2 role that an SS stooge isn’t going to cleave him in half with a flaming chainsaw.

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“Just another day at the office lads.  Be sure to clean up the mess.”

 

When you read this article, it’s comical how many different ways Bean gets tuned up on screen. It also kind of surprised me that Bean has died so many times because he’s played an evil villain.

I think this is because in my brain Bean is primarily Richard Sharpe. But in most of his death roles he’s been a murderer, rapist, terrorist, traitor, etc, etc.

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“Me, die?  Oh, oh no, mate.  This is the Sharpe Series.  I make other people die.”

 

But, we at TAP know more. We’ve also received exclusive word that not only does Bean not wish to die on set anymore, he also wishes to never die in real life.

Our contacts overheard him and his mates at The Major Pub & Grille in York. Bean was explaining his master plan at immortality. My agents even swiped the bar napkin he drew for his lads showing the infernal machine that will sustain his life until our Sun explodes.

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Bean also specifically said he’d do it right, and not like that “shite, con game” that was The Frankenstein Chronicles. This warms my heart to hear.

We fully endorse this plan. Bean just needs the funds to make it happen. If you’d like to contribute a small amount of your vast international gold reserves to help Sean Bean achieve immortality, please kindly mail cash or gold bullion to the following address:

The Arcturus Project – Sean Bean Immortality Project

C/O Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation

1794 Aguiyi Ironsi Street

Abuja 900001, Nigeria

 

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“Oh, hey there my Orc lads, just turned 1,376 today. Fancy a celebratory pint?”

is there a global leader who’s not a closet felon?

From Trump to Clinton to British royalty to [insert any elite person here] it seems there wasn’t anybody in power or money who didn’t deliberately fall into the spider web woven by Jeffery Epstein and his no doubt very large army of enablers and flunkies. Remember folks, these are the people who make decisions for you, and generally speaking, are supposed to be improving your lives. Or at least that’s the way it’s supposed to work, but no longer does.

What makes all this even more comical is that Epstein got the chance to off himself in a federal prison. Forget the conspiracy theories where a gaggle of coked out drunk alien assassins were hired by the illuminati to do him in. Dude literally hung himself with a bedsheet while a government contractor making minimum wage was in the loo browsing a dating app on his smartphone and wondering when the fuck his watch was supposed to end.

In an era where all our elite leaders are too deeply in the flesh trade to actually govern, it’s no wonder why the most junior of all government employees is so bad at their job they can’t prevent a grown man from hanging himself in a high security federal prison. It’s a true metaphor for failure from top to bottom.

And the best part is, none of this was a secret. Just like how apparently all of Hollywood knew what that Harvey guy was doing, so everybody seems to have known what Epstein was doing. It was just the way things were.  It went on for decades in both cases.

If any of these guys made $12 as a Walmart packer, they’d all be in prison for decades. Instead, they’ll get to move on in life because nothing says the game isn’t rigged like being able to rub palms with a known sex offender without consequences.  There are rules for the weak, and impunity for the powerful.

The federal justice system convicts at a stasi like rate of 99%.  They’ll put a 19 year old who gets caught on the streets of Baltimore with a baggy of crack behind bars for two decades.  But damned if they’ll get around to cleaning house with a powerful senator, or banker, or celebrity who enabled a 15 year old to be raped.

This is how societies and cultures fail. Washington, Lincoln, Churchill, all these consequential leaders who carved the world we live in today, gee these dudes sure did have their own flaws. But I’m pretty sure closet felon wasn’t among them.

PS.   By the way, there’s no picture to this post. Why? Because almost every photo on this issue seems to already be doctored (faked) in some way, by one side or the other, to emphasize that Epstein was associated with [insert political rival here]. As if, one should be forced to forget, that everybody was in on this game.  It’s cultural suicide.

The National Gallery of Art – you’re not welcome

Sometimes the safest way to get through the day is to never get excited about anything. That way if things tank, you can just shrug and go get a beer. Instead, I got somewhat excited, things tanked, and it sort of robbed me of part of my brain for the rest of the day.

Those unfortunate to be long time readers of this blog will remember I occasionally go to galleries, dig Japan, and like weird art. I thought this was encapsulated in a visit to the National Gallery of Art which I walked to after being in DC for work.

They had a visiting exhibition on Japanese art and animals. What could go wrong?

The exhibit appeared to be underwhelming, and lacking structure, so I was having a hard time getting sucked in. But, this was because I spent the entire time looking over my shoulder to see whether a security guard was going to yell at me again.

I’ve probably been to a dozen galleries across the globe and never had to talk to a security guard, let alone interact negatively with one. It happened to me at The National Gallery of Art, four times, in less than an hour. Whether they were unhappy with the way I was carrying my backpack, or how close I was standing to an exhibit, or so on, they were in your face. They even got directly into the face of some poor old guy who was clearly hard of hearing.

Here is how a normal human interaction should work:

“Excuse me Sir, we would ask you stand back from the exhibit. You’re a bit too close. Thanks so much.”

This is how The National Gallery of Art thinks human interactions should work:

“HELLO!!!???”

I literally walked out. I said something unfortunate to the fourth guard, waved him off, and stormed out. I’ve never done this before. I was in the place for less than an hour. What a shame.

Turns out my experience is not rare. So now I’ll turn it over to some additional online reviews for folks who didn’t appreciate a Stasi like experience while looking at art, some of these are just heinous:

Lived in Paris where I had the very best art available. This is the best American art displayed I have seen by far. One complaint: I have a service dog and the staff who watch over the art in each of the rooms containing art were always anticipating my service dog was going to do something wrong (which never happens….ever) and they were anxious to catch it in the act. It was hard to relax and enjoy the art when someone is doing that to you in every room you enter over and over and over for hours.

Wow my son is 12 and I’ve raised him correctly, I dont need you following you telling me to not let him touch.

there are scumbag security officers working there. i was not warned in advance about closing time i didnt gave time to gather stuff. they got physically aggressive with me when it was closing at five pm. i am deaf and schizophrenic. i was trying to draw in peace in their galleries. i recommend to avoid the area. dangerous staff and guards. even the info desk lady scowled at me for being evidently deaf. avoid this hellhole.

The place is jammed with sweaty rude security guards that looked at me as if I had no business there and followed me around as if I was in a department store about to steal something. If I had blue eyes and blonde hair I’m certain I would have had a different experience. If you are of color go with someone or be prepared to be uncomfortable . I’m so disappointed because I love art and had planned to visit often but the security staff is extremely unprofessional and ruined the atmosphere for me to fully enjoy the art. Also no curator at any of the popular exhibits I visited. I expected more from the nations capital😶😢😒

How can you get kids interested in art if they are not welcome at all! I went to visit with my 3 kids (10, 7 and 5). We live in the area but I was waiting for the right time to go as I was hoping to get them interested in art at a young age. Unfortunately my experience was really bad. The museum is great as it hosts great works of art, however almost every person I interacted was either a snob (very common on people interested in art for some reason) or plain rude. As soon as we entered the very first room, my 7 year old got to about 2 feet from a painting pointing at something he liked. My wife quickly stopped him and started explaining that he needed to stay away from the art. Even though she stopped him in time and we clearly had the kids under control, a security guard came and started scolding my son. My son got really scared, sat on a sofa and started sobbing silently, since he wanted to cover his face he put his legs on the sofa to cover his face with his knees. The guard came to him again and told him he needed to take his shoes off the (very cheap and plastic) sofa. I told the guard he was overreacting since he was just a kid and then he started with his typical speech of “you cannot tell me how to do my work” and actually asked us to leave the room. We did not leave the museum but you can imagine the kids have no interest on ever going to that museum again, and neither do I. I have great respect for the Smithsonian as an institution and love all other museums, however I was deeply sadden with the experience. I really cannot imagine how art can be promoted to kids if they are not welcome at all.

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fuck this place