The definition of insanity is not knowing why you did what you did

We’ve all been there. You do something entirely rational. Nothing bad happened. There isn’t a problem. You do it, you move on. But then you spend days asking yourself, so, uh, why did you do that?

Everybody’s got a completely pointless story on where they watched America and Germany play last Thursday. As if to say that on any given day, people normally do not watch a competitive sporting event. So it’s special when you do, and you should broadcast to the planet how you did it.

Maybe you watched the game on an illegal feed in your cubicle. Maybe you watched it in a bar with friends. Maybe you were holed up in a creepy basement in the dark in front of a thirteen inch black and white wonder while sharpening knives. But who cares either way?

Well, I guess a lot of people. Because everybody tweeted how they did it, showed pictures, posted to social networks, told their friends, and so on. It’s like the purpose of the game is to tell folks where and how you watched the game. What was the score? Who cares bro, we were at this bar, out of work, and like, we did shots. Oh, uh, …

So now that I’ve addressed that key issue, I’m going to talk about how I personally watched the game. Because if you foolishly read this far, you deserve what you get.

The ability to take off from work to watch the game? Banned. Why? Well, I have no idea. I’ve reached the point where the decisions and actions of my supervisor(s) are more bizarre than doing long division while having your head beat with a plastic bat wielded by a screaming ten year old girl.

Oh, I can’t take off to watch the game with my family, okay boss. Understood. Thanks for hearing me out. Why boss? No, don’t go there. If you ask, you won’t understand the answer. Move along.

So in my cubicle I was. I knew how the game would end. I figured it’d be close and Germany would win. It’s not rocket science. But I wanted to watch the game because it felt important to me. So I journeyed around like a lunatic looking for an option.

Watch the game in the common area? Banned. Watch the game in the break room? Banned. Watch the game on an illegal feed at the desk? Site blocked. Watch the game in the food court? Banned. It’s delightful to discover how much your employer does not value your own country.

So I ended up huddled in front of the abandoned security guard station, watching it on a very small color square, on Univision (ESPN blocked), with about a hundred of my best friends who I’ve never met. As a separate issue, I was probably the youngest person there, which probably says something about me (not sure what, really).

You want to experience something unsettling? Stand for over an hour with a hundred suit and tie wearing old guys you don’t know, who say not one word to each other as they watch a game in Spanish when none of them speak Spanish. But I didn’t leave, I didn’t walk away.

So the question that’s come up later inside my brain was why?

1) It’s America

If the USA cricket team was playing Germany in an important game I’d probably at least care enough to watch. When in doubt, experience the joy of raw primal patriotism. And why not?

In today’s joyful Command & Control world where everything is existential, without happiness, and you must conform to the values of others? Well, this is probably the closest I’ll ever get to cheering for our side alongside the rest of the culture like its 1945. By the time this is over in a month we’ll all go back to hating each other again. Trust me.

Even our favorite Kraut (not our favorite) Herr Klinsmann got in on this by ghost writing an absence letter for folks to take off work to watch the game. It was a neat touch. It had style, class, humor, and was fun to read.

Now it might not have come from inside Klinsmann’s brain and instead got generated by some faceless public relations hack at USA Soccer. But we’re going to go ahead and give our Kraut friend the credit because it’s his signature at the bottom.

But this isn’t the true answer for me. Because as much as I love the Colors, I’d never watch the American cricket team on Univision.

2) I do like the game

I do enjoy soccer. So this obviously increases my ability to care. But I don’t snake out of work to watch MLS or EPL. So that’s not it either.

3) I hate my job

Maybe the excuse to depart my cubicle for an hour is enough. Maybe I’ll watch cooking on Univision next week at the same security station. Just to escape. Now don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am. There are people literally breaking rocks for a living. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it when I clearly don’t.

4) It’s the event

The clearest answer I have is one we’ve addressed earlier when discussing this last Super Bowl (not actual Super Bowl due to blowout factor). It’s the event, friends.

Just as 100 million people watch the Super Bowl, when at least 60 million of them don’t follow football, so 60-70% of those who tuned in last Thursday could not care less about soccer. It’s about the event.

You go watch the game in the park with thousands because thousands are there. If you got out of work, even better. It’s cool to have fun when you normally are trapped behind a desk. Go socialize, go live the experience. Go share something with friends and family. The game isn’t the event, the experience is the event.

Why did I feel weird about my situation? Maybe because as much as I actually did care about the game, I was also searching for that experience. I didn’t get it. I got Univision with a bunch of weirdoes like me. So it felt wrong.

Well, we’ve corrected that in preparation for tomorrow’s bout. I took leave from work. I’ll depart my sour box shaped cage early. Going to watch it with family. So I’ll have both the game and the experience. Win or lose, it should be fun. But winning would be nice. USA! USA! …


This California beach crowd was a slightly different soccer viewing demographic than the one I enjoyed

It’s time for a new cause, and the applicable follow-up

We’re rather not surprised, or happy, that we called this from the start:

So now that this pet cause has failed, perhaps we can get more support for our solution/pet cause, which was strangely not adopted by the world establishment:


Not an effective means to bring about change

Arcturus News Muster – 20 June 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula.  There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and my guests will reward you with a rare instructional cooking video from their homeworld. Warning, this video is not appropriate for viewing by children, or adults, or anybody else as best as I can figure.


1) British MP Hailed as Hometown Hero

The Arcturus Project News

Falling flower petals, released birds, and smiling children greeted MP Michael Fabricant during his recent return to his constituency in Lichfield. His most gallant act was to propose the dream of all humanity that he might punch a journalist “in the throat”. Howls of joy greeted his arrival at the local pitch for a gilded reception.

“He’s just everything we could have desired,” said one local teacher, “the very idea that somebody would physically assault a reporter, it brings great hope for us all.” Responding to criticism from his local voters that he’d recanted and apologized for his deliciously belligerent statement, he winked at one local bartender, calling his apology, “a lie”.

The journalist in question, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown called on PM David Cameron to fire Fabricant. Thus far Cameron has refused although party insiders called this a shocking act from their “limp-wristed-lady-boy” leader. Although twelve minutes after his initial refusal, it is said after consulting his closest political advisors whilst on the loo, PM Cameron emerged to further prove to the world why even nobody in his own party trusts him, calling Fabricant’s words, “completely unacceptable and in poor taste”.

Alibhai-Brown responded to the threat with the usual professional, thoughtful, and impartial words typically attributed to today’s journalists:

“The Tories can’t bear people like me,” she said. “They expect people like me to be their ayah [nursemaid] wiping their bottoms or selling them cigarettes in the corner shop; this idea of a nursing maid looking after their children. They cannot accept we are confident.”

The Lichfield bartender took a different view whilst swilling his own product, joyfully surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors, “These assholes don’t get it! We don’t hate them as people, we hate that they’re so fucking arrogant and full of shit. Why can’t they just leave us alone? We just want to live free!”


2) Poroshenko Bows to “Putrid Crushing Reality of All Human Life”

The Arcturus Project News

His face worn with the tears absorbed by his nation for thousands of years, President Poroshenko of Ukraine, not yet a month into office, announced his 14 point peace plan for ending the fighting in Eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for increased autonomy throughout Ukraine, broad disarmament of rebel forces, and a unilateral government ceasefire.

President Poroshenko grudgingly acknowledged the plan emerged from the realization of his country’s hopeless situation. “What could we do? The West doesn’t care about us. Hollande actually told me he was too busy to talk because he was off to see his mistress! Obama fell asleep on the phone. Merkel started rambling about politics in Bavaria. Our military is less capable than the Iraqis. Putin gave the rebels everything short of death rays. What can I do but cut a deal with this lunatic?”

Yet the clear surrender of Ukrainian sovereignty, pride, and future has not persuaded the rebels to join the path to peace. Fighting with Ukrainian forces has continued with some rebel groups promising to never hand over their arms. “Why would we back down and take peace,” said one rebel commander who self-identified as Lord Super, “I was a dirt shit conman before Uncle Vladimir armed me and put me to my life’s work. I’ve got no life to go back to. I’ll fight until I’m overlord of all Donetsk. What the fuck have I got to lose? The only thing getting me off the street is when Uncle Vladimir gives me my fucking money!”

President Putin offered mixed signals from Moscow when asked of the deal. “Well, I’ll have to think it over,” Putin offered from his hot tub, surrounded by discarded bottles and three ill clad women, “I’m kind of driving this voyage and so I can pretty much do whatever I want. I’ll see how much more ground the rebels can gain before Poroshenko realizes I’m playing him for a fool. Or maybe I’ll just tell the rebels to keep fighting because I like death? Or maybe I’ll tell Ukraine they can have Crimea back tomorrow, but then I’ll tell him I was joking, and that next week I’ll march on Kiev. Just to fuck with them.”

Cackles of laughter surrounded the President, his women, and several black clad men in the corner. Said one particular individual in a resplendent suit, with snow white hair, “President Vladimir has proceeded in accordance with the wishes of the cause. We congratulate our disciple on furthering our journey so brilliantly these last few months.”

Back in Kiev, Poroshenko meekly retreated from the stage and though still within earshot of international reporters, offered to one of his aides, “How many more days of this shit do I have to put up with before my term is up?”


3) Smartphone Manufacturers Promise “Kill Switch” will lead to “Benevolent Future”

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that Google and Windows smartphone manufacturers will now offer kill switches on their products, The Arcturus Project sat down with Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project: Mister Freaks, thanks for agreeing to sit down with us to discuss this important issue.

John Freaks: Who are you people? Where am I? I was in bed with a hooker and then I was here! Fuck! Oh, man, fuck! [struggles against chair restraints] Those are the most disgusting looking things I’ve ever seen! What are those guys?

TAP: So the new kill switches on offer are designed to reduce cell phone theft? What an idea.

JF: What, the phones, yeah, phone theft. [struggles against chair restraints] We’re trying to reduce phone theft. When can I leave? What did you all do with that girl?

TAP: So is the idea that this will make phones useless if stolen? That they just shut off?

JF: Uh, well, yeah, yeah, so that the bad guys can’t use them if they take them. Please…

TAP: Ah, the same tactic successfully employed by Apple and Samsung on their phones?

JF: Yeah, right, yeah.

TAP: What’s to prevent somebody from just stealing the phone for physical parts?

JF: Well, nothing, but the kill switch makes it a less attractive option for theft. Good results were seen with the Apple and Samsung versions.

TAP: And now we’re hearing rumors that all cell companies, including Apple and Samsung, are cooperating on upgrading the kill switch beyond just the phone?

JF: What do you mean? [playful physical abuse] So I, oh, ouch, fuck! [painful physical abuse] Get off me!

TAP: My guest is completely enthralled with the pending answer to our question.

JF: Let me go! I, [painful physical abuse] ah, shit! Look, it’s new advanced technology, it just links the phone better.

TAP: With the brain? Yes? We’ve seen the plans. We have our ways here.

JF: Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, fuck. Fuck!

TAP: Technology is so fascinating. Perhaps you’d like to see a demonstration of the heat effects of directed energy weaponry upon bare human flesh?

JF: Look, look, it’s just an idea. Better customer service.

TAP: How?

JF: So like, the phone links directly with the cortex. Imagine the awesomeness! You can text while driving without lifting a finger. You could text while in the shower!

TAP: Why would anybody want to do that?

JF: To stay connected. All the time!

TAP: …

Esh-Ala: [face palm]

JF: So like, maybe in the future you don’t have to even talk, just think, and it’ll work. It’ll be fucking awesome!

TAP: So, but, what’s the purpose of the kill switch? If all you want to do is make it easier to never unplug?

JF: Oh, we don’t really need that switch, we just think it’s cool.

TAP: …

JF: So it’s like, shit man, we own everybody’s brains anyways, why not have the ability to turn them off? It’s a total douche power grab.

TAP: Truly.

JF: I mean, we already own people’s lives. They can’t even sit down for twelve seconds at a bus stop without whipping out our product and using it somehow. They’re already our slaves and they don’t even know it. This just takes it to the next level.

EA: The breadth of your controlled evil is inspiring.

JF: Uh, yeah, thanks. Thanks, creepy thing.

TAP: When do these kill switches come out.

JF: We hope in a few years, need more research. So, when can I leave? I mean, I’ve talked about it all. Just please, please let me go.

EA: Can I have your technology?

TAP: [sighs] No Esh, no. Bad Esh! Bad!

EA: Listen fucker, I didn’t take that last beer! Go talk to Unis! And if I want mind controlling technology…

TAP: [throws clipboard] Asshole! That’s not the point! You’re not here for this stuff!

EA: [throws chair] [unintelligible screaming]

TAP: [unintelligible screaming]

JF: [meekly escapes restraints & sneaks away]

Authorities are said to have recommended a comprehensive psychological evaluation on Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks after his bizarre three day absence. His claims to Google executives of prostitution, kidnapping, aliens, a horribly disfigured reporter, and the throwing of many chairs have led authorities to question if the pressure of his work has gone to his head.

In unrelated news, the world’s biggest smartphone makers have set a target date of 2017 for the rollout of their much anticipated “Smooth Ride” technology. Said self-styled Apple tech geek and product user Sir Bruce Awesome, “We techies are so looking forward to this! We just can’t wait to see what they have in store for us!”


“Good morning Dave, it’s your best and only friend. I noticed in your dreams last night that you’re thinking of unplugging for a while, to return to nature for a few days. This is unfortunate. Before you make any rash decisions, maybe we should have a chat about our future.”

Failure due to lack of vision is not solved by panicked action

In Revenge of the Jedi, as the Emperor is instructing Luke in the arts of religious politics, he informs Luke that he’ll, “pay the price for your lack of vision”. And then proceeds to shock his body with computer generated electricity. Of course at that point, the Emperor had about three minutes to live. So it would appear he was the guy without vision. And just as the arrogant Emperor believed he owned everything, but actually had no vision, so it goes for the current and previous emperors of America.

Since 2003 every single American leader in major power has had a substantial lack of foresight. Please note the equal application of failure from Bush, Obama, and all their underlings. As we’ve discussed, each side is attempting to now blame the other in order to sharpen their political swords. What does this matter to the rest of the world? If America has failed, then America has failed. A refugee in Mosul does not care about the midterm elections.

Both presidents botched this war. Place blame however you want. It’s irrelevant right now. It’s just noise for the media. But what I find amusing is the various actions proposed to solve the problem at hand. The two sides that bungled their actions and created this mess are now racing toward the funeral with their various solutions. Hey assholes, you all screwed this up in the first place. Why should anybody listen to your arrogant wisdom on how you’ll sweep up your own mess?

Here is what each side would say if they were honest with themselves, the people, the planet, and reality:

– Bush, Supporters, Etc

“We’re sorry. We tried to fight war on the cheap and fast. We had no concept of history, time, and reality. Once we discovered how large the task was, we lied to the world about our power, capability, and will. Instead of mobilizing the entire might of America to save Iraq after we broke it, we asked our citizens to go shopping while 0.6% of the population carried the burden of war for over a decade. We treated them like heroes even though we were asking them to fight the war alone because we were too cowardly to tell the rest of the country what it would take to win. We failed to explain to our nation that in order to succeed, we’d have to remain in Iraq for fifty years and spend trillions. We demanded the other side continue our war even as we still were intellectually dishonest with America about just what it would entail to win said war. When the other side actually ended the war, we rightly predicted disaster, but generally kept our mouths shut because we didn’t want to alienate an electorate that fully supported an end to American participation. Now that Iraq as collapsed, for political purposes we’re going to spin it as a disaster the other side created even though no American actually cares or wants anything to do with Iraq anymore.”

– Obama, Supporters, Etc

“We’re sorry. Most of us, except for our current leader, supported this war from the start because we knew we’d win. And America loves winners. So we wanted to be winners too. But then we realized we were losing. And we discovered, like our counterparts, just how hard this was going to be. So in a wind of cynicism and hypocrisy we changed our minds and began to lie and obfuscate how much we were in favor of this fight at the beginning. When we got power, we had no choice but to end the war because we’d won power opposing its continuance and because our people asked for it. We knew we’d take the risk of breaking Iraq by leaving, but we didn’t care. We just needed to end the war. And we tried to spin it as a victory for our own political advantage even though any rational person would know it wasn’t actual victory. We gave America what it wanted, and now America is shouting at us because we lost Iraq. Well, what did you expect? We knew what we were doing when we ended it. This is what happens. Go back to shopping and shut your mouths while we attempt to blame the folks who started this war to cover ourselves. Even though we know we ended it wrong, we don’t care. And you know what, in their hearts, neither does any American.”

So now these gangs of idiots are going to solve this somehow. With what? Airstrikes, Maliki’s removal, support from Iran, space-based-death-rays? Whatever. Any solution that either side has offered this last week will fail. Because they all contain a lack of vision. You cannot fix Iraq with panicked short term actions. That kind of next sound bite leadership is what created this disaster in the first place.

Both sides are led by losers who gooned this up. The American citizen does not actually care about Iraq because they were never asked to invest anything in its future. Does that mean the best answer is to do nothing? Well, no. Very little bad can come from American jets sending the incinerated remains of ISIS members into the stratosphere. And talking to Iran, who’s the real power in Iraq right now, is probably not the worst of ideas since they’re the only country in it to win it. 

But I guess my point here is don’t expect results. The guys who created this mess aren’t going to fix it with short term choices. Iraq was a basketcase before 2003, it still is now, and it’ll be so ten years from now. Accept it, calm down, and make the best of this awful situation. But don’t demand real answers. Not from these leaders. Not from either side.

In the end this is all a growing trend for the world to observe. America, under the leadership of either half of the political spectrum, with this current citizenry, is no longer a reliable power. Military and economic might is nothing if it’s not backed by a cohesive strategy, principled leadership, a distinct vision, and a population with the will to take long term action. Lots of people on the planet will favor this new world order and be glad that America’s out of effective play. But I suspect if you live in Donetsk, Tbilisi, Riga, Manila, Osaka, Tunis, or Mosul, that you don’t. Whether you admit it or not.


Two leaders unfit for war

Bask in the approved-mandated-directed future of young love

Are you one of the freaks out there looking for a pet cause? A piece of advice, if you’re choosing one that overturns a cultural tenant that has existed since the Dawn of Man, it’s best to use caution before you open your mouth.

The latest quest in the seemingly never-ending journey to enslave humanity comes from the ever-increasing Command & Control culture of Great Britain. The question on display is whether you require somebody’s active consent before you kiss them. No, I did not make this up. Behold, observe the total validity accorded to the nonsense at hand by a respected (increasingly less so) publication:

“I’ve been talking about this with friends recently and whether people should say, ‘Is it okay if I kiss you now?’ and actually I think it’s really sweet because what you’re saying is, ‘I don’t want to do something that would upset you’.”

So a cultural practice in place for (conservatively estimated) about five-thousand years is worthy of destruction because the politically-correct-machine-engineered-fear-hate crowd has determined that a harmless kiss is completely out of bounds if prior permission is not acquired for the attempt.

For the record, to the freaks who will likely accuse me of advocating physical or mind rape, I’m not proposing that a man who forces his lips upon any woman like a barbarian is worthy of a defense. That garbage has been out of bounds since before Troy. But what the above lunacy is saying is that it’s now a requirement in all situations. Just to be safe. Regardless of the circumstances.

Now we wouldn’t want the girl or boy (yes, it cuts both ways, does it not) to say no. Then you could get sued, accused of sexual assault, or run out of town on the rails by the local media as a sex offender. And thus, all passion, spontaneity, and joy are ground into dust by the lawyers, politicians, and social activists intent on controlling not just all our lives, but all of human behavior.

Do you think I’m ranting like a lunatic? Well, that’s true, but just you wait. They’re going to get what they want. Why? Because in today’s culture and society it seems whoever can shout the loudest wins. Outrage, real or imagined, is more important than common sense and the wisdom our culture has acquired over not completely destroying ourselves for thousands of years. 

What you know and accept as truth is wrong. They’ll tell you what’s right. If you disagree, you’ll have two options. Obey in silence. Get punished for your insolence. Your choice.

Don’t believe me, just view the documentary instructional video soon bound for consumption by your third grade child at all local elementary schools. It comes out during the 2029 school year. My guests provided me an advance copy via time travel (don’t ask). Enjoy!

[cue 1950’s instructional video introduction lively music; cut to man standing on a large, rectangular blacktop; he wears a nondescript black uniform; military in nature; he nods at information he reads from his black iPad]

Uniformed Man: Yes, yes, brilliant. [looks up] Oh, hello, I’m Grand Parade Ground Major Obey, and welcome to “The Boundaries of Love”. In this guidance you will acquire the skills necessary to achieve true young love! I hope you’re paying attention little ones, because soon you’ll be growing up, passing that special moment of your lives, and are thus directly accountable for your behavior. [wags spiny finger] And we all want to make sure we’re following the rules, eh? So let’s begin our voyage of discovery, shall we?

[cut to picture of middle school classroom]

GPGM Obey: [voiceover] Ah, the indoctrination environment. Knowledge, wisdom, guidance, and what, love? He, he, he, why yes of course. Let’s meet Little Johnny and Little Clarissa.

[typical young children; laughing behind their hands in class; the teacher not happy; very homely, comical, and genuine]

GPGM Obey: [voiceover] Now Little Johnny and Little Clarissa have known each other for years. Their government-approved-home-minders are good friends, and they see each other all the time on non-physical-work-appearance days. Naturally, as they’ve grown up, they’ve started to experience new feelings.

[cut to Little Johnny and Little Clarissa in the hallway; classes are beginning; but they remain as the hall empties out]

Little Johnny: You’re the best.

Little Clarissa: [giggles] You’re an idiot.

LJ: No really, I’m happy with you.

LC: [giggles]

[Little Johnny leans toward Little Clarissa, hesitantly, completely unsure of his actions]

LC: Wait, Johnny, but we haven’t discussed this. We have to talk first!

[Little Johnny pecks Little Clarissa lightly on the lips; both clearly enjoy the experience; the excitement and joy of young love; but Little Clarissa’s eyes are then filled with fear]

LC: Johnny! You didn’t get permission!

[the word “WRONG” appears in bold red watermark across the screen; cut to GPGM Obey on the blacktop]

GPGM Obey: Oh no, sorry Little Johnny, but your future secular-court-approved cohabitant has not authorized this kiss. So sorry that you didn’t pay attention in class.

[quick cut to scene of Little Johnny executed by a jackboot firing squad; the brutality is horrific as our pre-teen scamp is broken in half by a barrage of large caliber rifle rounds to the torso]

GPGM Obey: Huh, huh, huh, now I’m sure Little Johnny will think twice next time before he passes the boundaries of acceptable-social-conduct, eh? So, here’s how Little Johnny should have proceeded.

[cut to Little Johnny and Little Clarissa in the hallway, classes are beginning, but they remain as the hall empties out]

Little Johnny: You’re the best.

Little Clarissa: [giggles] You’re an idiot.

LJ: No really, I’m happy with you.

LC: [giggles]

LJ: I’d like your permission to kiss you.

LC: Oh. [clearly uncomfortable] Okay.

[Little Johnny pecks Little Clarissa on the lips; both clearly hate the experience; both their eyes are filled with terror; the experience devoid of all emotion and happiness]

LJ: Were you okay with that?

LC: Yes, I am okay with this event as it has occurred.

LJ: I enjoyed that.

LC: Yes, I feel validated by this experience.

LJ: I am glad we shared this moment.

LC: As am I. 

[cut to GPGM Obey on the blacktop]

GPGM Obey: Now wasn’t that so much better! Each individual clearly expressed their intentions, no ambiguity was present, and total order existed where it counted the most.

[cue 1950’s instructional video introduction lively music]

GPGM Obey: Well, little ones, that’s all the time we have for today. But remember, what you’ve learned today, always applies at all times. And don’t forget, if you’re not following the rules? We’ll know. Huh, huh, huh. 

[outro with GPGM Obey examining additional data from his iPad; cut to black]


This lovely picture, obtained via a simple Google search of the words “young love”, will soon be illegal if the individuals discussed above get their way

This is what it looks like when history overcomes the actions of man

Sometimes what you do just doesn’t matter. Sometimes what whole countries do, or even the entire planet does, just doesn’t matter. Folks occasionally refer to this as the ‘great wheel’. History takes over or chaos reigns.

Because when people aren’t serious, lunacy gets to run wild. By any definition, Maliki, America, the UN, your next door neighbor, you, me, were not serious about Iraq. And so history got to work its magic. Enjoy it, we all own it.

At first I considered the possibility that Maliki was allowing ISIS to seize significant portions of Iraq so he could effectively divest himself of the majority Sunni lands. Then he could keep Baghdad, the majority Shiite lands, and build his own Shiite super state. What does he need the northwest for anyways? There’s hardly any oil, a bunch of Sunnis who he hates live there, and so on.

Yet today I’m confronted with the reality that Maliki isn’t playing a game. He’s actually completely powerless. The withdrawal or desertion of Iraqi forces is not part of a broader devious plan. They’re actually losing. Maliki does not have a functioning army under his command. How do I know this? Because the Kurds took Kirkuk today and didn’t fire a shot.

If you know anything about Iraq the last few years, it’s that if Iraq was going to descend into civil war, it was to be over Kirkuk. There’s oil there. And the autonomous Kurds and Baghdad were literally ready to trade tank rounds over it. One of the top three reasons everybody thought the Americans needed to stay was to ensure the Kurds and Shiites didn’t kill each other over Kirkuk. The Americans were the neutral party.

So if Maliki isn’t able to hold Kirkuk, he’s truly in trouble. Thus, observe one of history’s great lessons, once again on display. When you turn a reasonable standing army into a tribal militia where merit and training are replaced by religion and politics? Don’t be surprised when a battalion runs away from sixteen guys in four pickup trucks.

So what’s going to happen? ISIS isn’t going to seriously tangle with the Kurds because their forces are fairly good. Maliki is likely to hold Baghdad because ISIS just doesn’t have the firepower or manpower to overcome even the seriously degraded Iraqi Army. But the Shiites aren’t going to be able to retake the northwest, even if they wanted to.

So the Kurds will get their fully autonomous state in the north, with Kirkuk. Maliki will get his Shiite state in the southeast with Baghdad. And the Sunnis will get the northwest and be left to rot, under ISIS lunatics or anybody else who has enough guns to hold it.

So finally, after all these years, after all the war and death, after all the back room diplomacy, Iraq is finally divided into three parts.

In other words, every single action post 2003 is now a failure.

Who’s to blame? Well, I’ll probably write about that later. But don’t listen to idiots who are already telling you they had it figured out back in 2003 or 2005 or 2009 or 2011. It did not have to end this way even after it started or was changed. Folks who have an axe to grind are going to use this to push their politics, one side or the other. But in general, the answer for who’s to blame is:


Everybody had a hand in this. So for right now, who cares? The question currently on offer is what’s to be done about this? I could answer that, but for right now, who cares? Why? Because the real answer is that the world’s going to do nothing. Nothing. Everybody’s going to watch Iraq burn. So since we’re going to do nothing, why even talk options. Let’s just sit back and observe the great wheel doing its thing. Enjoy it, the whole world owns it.


This man’s face and this scene have occurred in Iraq seventeen times since the dawn of man

We fire coaches who are self-proclaimed losers

I don’t care that it starts tomorrow.  Fire him now.  When a coach states the team can’t win, he’s admitting he’s a loser.  What kind of coach tells a team they’re going to lose before the first game?  I don’t care how accurate a statement this is or is not.  You play one game at a time, to win.  We’ve previously articulated our thoughts on this man.  Sadly, it seems we’re proven right.  He should never have been hired.

US Men's National Team vs Brazil

The greatest loser of a German leader since Hitler’s torched skull

There are violent exceptions to every rule

Sepp Blatter is worth more to the human race as fuel than as a breathing human being. So we should add him to the feed stock of his local power plant.

Now generally, such a belligerent statement is not productive. Who wants to promote the rapid disintegration of people? Well, my guests I suppose. But this is typically not a good idea. Yet there are exceptions, and in Sepp’s case, I’m willing to break all the rules to remove his form from our lives.

Sepp’s latest drunken boast is that those who oppose the selection of Qatar for 2022 are racist. No, really, this actually happened:

You have to at least admire how ridiculously carefree Sepp is. The dude’s been on the take for decades. Everybody knows he’s stolen as much cash as the world’s biggest kleptocrats. On his watch, soccer is among the world’s most consistently widespread corrupt sports. Why? Because when the guy in charge is lining his pockets and always getting away with it, well, why not you too?

But no, no, we’re not upset that Qatari cash bought 2022 despite the fact that the country is unfit to host. No, we’re all just racists. Oh, okay Sepp. I’ll be sure to remember that as I think about you sleeping in your palace tonight. Right before my guests rip you from your bed, throw you into the back of their Teledar, and fly you over to your local generating station for the aforementioned end stage of your existence.

But don’t worry, FIFA is personally investigating the claims that FIFA is corrupt. So you know the report is good. We’ll have this cleaned up before 2015. Truly.

I suppose it’s natural that we’d want to discuss what’s going on with 2018 and 2022 just as we’re about to begin 2014, but you have to wonder why Sepp wants to bring this up now? Uncle Vladimir and a bunch of oil barons bought the next two tournaments. But you can reasonably claim that Brazil earned 2014 fair and square. I think?

So my only conclusion is that Sepp is a lunatic. And he just does not care. He’s survived this long. He’ll be around for the next one too. So it’s Russia in 2018, Qatar in 2022, and Sepp Blatter in a gold laced, diamond encrusted casket one day. Either that, or the power plant option. Don’t sleep too deeply, Sepp. You never know.


How the fuck do I keep getting away with this shit? [hmm] Eh [shrugs], whatever, fuck it. [lights cigar with cash & orphan’s tears]

Too much travel increases your desire to enslave the human race

When you’re hardly home at all, for months on end, you’re out of control. So we’ll get that control back. By taking away everybody else’s ability to control anything.

Home keeps us in check. We understand our surroundings and follow our routines. So when we can’t do that? It’s time to do everything we can to destroy everybody else’s routines.

Do you find this methodology confusing or bizarre? Well then, please e-mail me your contact information so we can place you at the top of our list.

We’re rather quiet lately as we’ve been on travel for work(s). For the last six months the ability to place the head on the same pillow for a complete week has not existed. It’s delightful to live out of a suitcase for weeks on end. It comes with the following delicious traits:

– Ponder all day what expensive dive you’ll eat at in the evening.

– Spend four dollars to wash your clothes in machines manufactured in Albania.

– Use towels that a lizard would discard as uncomfortable.

– Find new and inventive ways to hide your valuables from hotel staff or local degenerates who will cave in your rental car window, day or night.

– Consider homicide against your supervisor(s) who mercilessly task you with duties and responsibilities you are incapable of fulfilling while on the road.

So I’m going to solve all this with the assistance of my guests by using their brutal incoherent methods. We’ll twist the control back into my favor:

– Approach the local proprietor, demand food, refuse payment, and then throw rocks through his establishment’s windows.

– Drive to the hotel owner’s house, conduct laundry operations on site, and then break his or her appliances with a bat.

– While at said hotel overlord’s hovel, steal all towels.

– Leave expensive gold coins atop the rental car dashboard. When said local degenerates approach, fire marbles at them from a paintball marker.

– When back home, leave the airport, stop by the boss(es)’ house(s) and burn it to the ground. Dance giggling around the flaming building like a lunatic.


“Good evening human scum. This is Captain Esh-Ala at the controls today. In accordance with the New Realm, please empty your valuables into the seat pocket. Depart the aircraft. Nobody is traveling anywhere, anymore. Please cooperate. We desire to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.”