A handy translation of Comcast’s talking points

It can be awfully hard to decipher what public relations hacks are saying. So we’ve broken down the language into something that a normal person can understand. We’re here to help. It’s what we do. Even if by helping we make things a lot worse.

We pulled this text directly from Comcast. So you know it’s good. We start with what they said. And then we translate it as only my guests can. They understand Comcast well. They grew up with its methods and attitude.

1) “Comcast and Netflix team up to provide customers with excellent user experience”

We extorted Netflix to pay us cash so we wouldn’t destroy their service quality. Since they’ve paid us our fucking money, which you’ll soon pay them, we’re happy to provide the consumer with such an excellent Netflix experience.

2) “If you’re an Xfinity TV Digital customer, take advantage of Free Channel Week – week-long unlimited access to a huge collection of live and On Demand cable and premium TV content, including thousands of TV shows and movies from more than 30 channels.”

Like all these free channels, eh? Next month you’ll pay for them; whether you like it or not. Ah, you’ll not pay for them, or go with another cable provider? Eat shit.

3) “Comcast Offers Up to Six Months of Complimentary Internet Service and an Amnesty Program for
Low-Income Families”

Our low-income family program is the most cynical, patronizing effort in existence. If we did business in the 1930’s, we’d give six months of free cable to German Jews whilst bribing the Nazi State to favor our business model. Then we’d sell enhanced data services to the SS to they could effectively crunch numbers necessary to implement a solution to one of their perceived problems. All these poor people, we’re giving them free cable now, so that later we can viciously increase their rates once our monopoly is fully in place. What are they going to do, sue us? They don’t have any money.

4) “Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can play an important role in bringing affordable Internet home to more people.”

Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can get bribed by us in order to bring affordable internet home to more people. You love gold, right? We do too. Help us give you money so we can fuck those who desperately require affordable internet in order to compete in the new knowledge based global economy.

5) “The process is underway in earnest and we’ve got many states and local communities to already approve of the transfer,”

We’ve bribed every single fucking person who matters. If we lose, don’t think they won’t pay for it. We’re doing this in the clear and getting away with it. We’ve even got our lobbyist running the government organization making this vital monopoly decision. We’re just that damn good. If you don’t like it, move to Mexico. We’re the most openly evil corporation since the guys currently selling 55-gallon barrels to the Assad Regime.

Or maybe this is what Comcast really meant to say:



Potentially the most powerful man in America; whether you like it or not

How not to win a protest

Attention Occupy Central, this isn’t going to work. Mass civil protests do not usually succeed when you live in a country without a civil society. If the Reds killed you all tomorrow, what do you think the rest of the world would do? Protest? Sanction Red China?

It’s not going to happen. The entire planet’s iPhone 6s are made there. This is apparently a strategic industry more valuable than oil, gold, or rhino horns. Nobody’s going to help you. The Earth’s people need that phone. They use it to talk to their friends, watch drunk cat videos, and read shitty blog posts produced by idiots.

By clogging up the streets you’ve given the Reds the chance to paint you as obstructionist lunatics. And they can just wait you out. The election’s not until 2017. Eventually you’re going to have to shower, use the bathroom, or pay the bills somehow. When you leave, the Reds will just carry on with the same plan as if nothing happened.

The way we see this you have two legit options:

1) Start burning the city now in a reckless attempt to provoke a wider civil war

2) Calmly & methodically negotiate with your Communist masters; and use the power of freedom & justice to progressively expose their fraud-hack-dictatorship over many decades until they collapse

As much as we’d enjoy watching the chaos of the former option, we strongly endorse the latter as your best bet.


They won’t need gunfire, it’ll get cold soon enough

It’s time to control the lives of celebrities so they can’t control us

Have you ever met a real famous celebrity? I sure hope so, because at least then you’d have been face-to-face with someone who’s trying to order you how to live.

A United Nations event that hosts world leaders is also apparently a time for a bunch of famous actors to get together and dictate to humanity. Because since they have so much money and fame, it gives them the right to tell those poorer and less famous than them (all of us) what’s right and wrong with our lives.

If any of you want to make the argument that the United Nations is a legitimate organization to be taken seriously, I invite you to now make that point. When the Secretary General is seated next a 24 year old girl whose only life qualification is that she’s a prominent actress.

So the media (not actual journalists) have deemed Emma Watson’s speech more awe-inspiring than anything ever uttered by, oh say Eleanor Roosevelt. Emma’s got it in her mind to rebrand feminism. Ah, I see, she wants to remind the other half of the human race that:

“… fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating..”

Well Emma, what would ever give us that opinion? Perhaps when you say things like:

“If men don’t have to be aggressive, women won’t be compelled to be submissive. If men don’t need to control, women won’t have to be controlled.”

Hey Emma, I don’t know you, maybe you’re an awesome person and mean well. But you know what, we men who are not rapist-drunk-beating-assholes don’t enjoy being constantly called “aggressive” lunatics hell-bent on making women “submissive” via “control”. 

If you have a problem that feminism has become synonymous with “man-hating”, maybe you should start by proofreading your own speech.

Next up to the arrogant plate was none other than everybody’s favorite man-child Leo DiCaprio, aka the coolest, sexiest man since Achilles. Leo wants to make sure you’re called to action over climate change. 

You see, Leo’s very upset that you don’t care about the climate because your world economy’s been under recession for nearly a decade and you’re distracted by silly things like war. Wars the UN apparently can’t solve. I guess the UN’s too busy scheduling press conferences for celebrities?

As summarized by humanity’s second favorite man-child, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon:

The UN secretary general Ban ki Moon said the actor’s global stardom was the perfect match for the global challenge posed by climate change.

Mr DiCaprio’s first duty in his new role will be to address the opening of the climate summit later this month in New York. 

Please to note the words “global stardom” was the descriptive qualification chosen as to why Leo should tell us what we can and cannot do.

Hey folks, did you hear! Leo’s selling his mansion(s) and all his fancy cars. He’s going to reduce his carbon footprint to the point that it’s commensurate with normal people (us). How honorable of him! We love you, Leo! You’ll lead us the promised land in a timeline/set-of-actions determined by you and only you. We’ll follow!

I mean, if he didn’t sell all his stuff, and instead just kept all his millions and his carbon footprint that’s forty-seven times larger than the average person, it’d make him a vicious-hypocrite. So you know he’ll do it, right?


If aliens wanted to understand why our planet’s on fire, this picture would be a good start