In a shocking revelation shocking only to those not in touch with reality it turns out that chimpanzees are not in fact peaceful-pot-smoking-hippy-like-creatures. When did this happen? I thought they were completely civilized and reasonable, like us.

http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-29237276

So apparently (very little surprises me anymore) there were real live people who actually believed that chimps only killed each other because of human interference. As in, that if humans weren’t around, chimps wouldn’t kill each other. So they had to commission a study to prove this idea wrong.

That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I live with a bunch of fringe lunatics. Speaking of which, what kind of fringe lunatic did you have to be to declare that chimps only murder because humans are around? Why do we always have to blame humanity for everything that’s wrong in the universe?

I mean, I know I do, but seriously, it’s not always our fault. We’re not responsible if a star a thousand light-years away somehow accidentally blows up. We’re not responsible if my guests hijack a nuclear submarine and use it to start World War III so they can “thin the herd”. Whatever you believe about life, it makes perfect sense that chimps kill each other like dirty animals in the same fashion as we do.

Still, I don’t know about you but this study worries me quite a bit. It appears the chimps are rather capable. They conduct complex combat patrols. They gang up on their neighbors to acquire resources and territory. It’s only a matter of time before they’re wielding firearms and building turbine powered fixed-wing aircraft.

We need to get ahead of this problem. It’s time to do what humans do best, exterminate something. We need to take out the chimps before they get us. It’s only natural. It’s in our blood. If the chimps were us, they’d do it too.

So grab your weapon of choice, book a ticket, and meet me inside N’Djili International Airport at midnight on the 1st of October. We’re headed into the jungle for a daring first strike mission. My guests will accompany us on our Glorious Venture! And they’ll bring their toys. So you know we’ll win. Let’s show those primates how you do murder right!

Pan troglodytes, nature’s second deadliest killing machine