On Arcturus, the news is presented for consumption by a grizzled Arcturan enforcer veteran (nobody retires) who provides coherent analysis, with heavy bias, and an educated filter. This means he sounds awfully like an Earth reporter, except for the intelligence part. Thus, bask in the glory of the work of Ashik-Al of the Ninth Regiment. Or don’t, either way, I assure you, he doesn’t care.
1) Egyptian Court Channels “Inner Asshole”
The Arcturus Project News
In a development shocking only to those who don’t understand the Arab mind a court in Egypt sentenced to death over five-hundred supporters of deposed President Mohammed Morsi. The five-hundred are said to have received the privilege of martyrdom as they were not among the more than one-thousand shot dead by security forces in the streets earlier this year. “They just squeaked through somehow,” said Interior Ministry Colonel Ibrahim “The Bull” Ibn Trigger, “we just couldn’t get them to connect with a bullet in the air. So we’re going to have to do this the hard way.”
Critics charged that the brief, clearly one-sided, verdict was beyond extreme for the death of only one police officer. However, analysts stated the verdict is likely to lessen on appeal and that an Egyptian death sentence is rarely carried out in practice. “What we’ll see is a lot of folks locked up, but I don’t think we’re going to see any mass executions,” quoted one justice expert from the World Bank.
Colonel Ibn Trigger agreed with this assessment. “I think in the end, most of these guys will actually go completely free. We’re just trying to scare them a little. Who do you think we are, Assad? We’d never get away with such a horrific crime of executing so many behind bars. Plus, if they’re on the streets again, I can go back to work.”
2) Bankers Acquire More Cash to Lick Celebratory Cigars
The Arcturus Project News
The United Kingdom’s Co-op Bank was to obtain more than £400M in cash ($659M) to make up for its more than £1.2B loss from 2013. It will raise the money via a unique share issue. The move follows the discovery of additional factors exposing the further fragile nature of the bank’s organization and stability.
The new funds were also required to lick an extended shipment of Cuban cigars that arrived just this month. The priceless tobacco came to celebrate the bank’s continued success despite an ongoing history of civil and criminal failures. Said Chief Executive Niall Booker, “Nobody’s ever been punished. I’m completely incompetent. I’m making at least £40M this year. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate. This is the best job on the planet.”
Mr Booker brushed away criticism that the bank is unmanageable and that its overall health as an institution was in question at severe risk to the British taxpayer. “Fuck you,” he offered, “Fuck you all.”
3) An Interview with the New Boss of Belbek
The Arcturus Project News
The Arcturus Project News spoke with Sergei Pianowirevich, recently appointed by President Vladimir Putin as Interim Commander, Belbek Air Force Base, Crimea.
The Arcturus Project: Colonel Pianowirevich, thanks for agreeing to speak with us via telephone.
Colonel Pianowirevich: My pleasure, but please, I’m no colonel.
TAP: Ah, my apologies, your rank?
Pianowirevich: I’m actually a vice marshall of the local Russian culture, vodka, & chess club.
TAP: Uh, …, okay, so ah, …, Vice Marshall Pianowirevich?
TAP: Okay, ah, so, …, how’s your first day in command going? And congratulations on your glorious victory.
Vice Marshall Pianowirevich: Thank you. Thank you. Splendid, splendid. We’re taking an inventory of equipment, assets, and ensuring security is handled well.
TAP: And the former Ukrainian occupants?
VMP: Ha! Don’t worry, those dirty fascist rats are headed home safely. We’re not animals after all!
TAP: Holy shit! (drops glass) You guy’s took a bunch of fucking Nazis prisoner!?
VMP: Uh, excuse me?
TAP: A bunch of freaking Nazis! You gotta be shitting me!? (throws notes) How many? Were they true black suited SS!?
VMP: You seem to misunderstand, they are Ukrainian fascists from their country’s armed forces.
TAP: You said they were fascists. Ukrainian Nazis. They have to be like ninety, each of them.
VMP: Yes, yes, but not Nazis, German Nazis, they’re all young. You see there’s a difference.
TAP: Ah, I see, forgive me but I’m really confused. How would you describe the difference?
VMP: I don’t understand.
TAP: Well you see, I’m an educated man, I read things, and I guess when you say fascists I think of all those Nazis that burned half of Russia sixty years ago.
VMP: Yes, that’s them! Hehe, you’ve got it.
TAP: Ah, so how many Russian’s did those dirty Hitler-lovers get this time before you stepped in?
TAP: Vice Marshall?
VMP: No, yes, but you seem to misunderstand, the fascists were here to enslave Russians.
TAP: So they must have really burned the shit out of the Russian quarter in Sevastopol. Did they do a bunch of old fashioned Luger executions by the sausage stand before you guy’s moved in to save the day?
VMP: Now listen, I see where this is going, you’re one of them. You’re a dirty Western fascist! I’m not going to stand for this propaganda. We did what we wanted on our own. We cleansed our great nation and returned it to our Motherland! (pounds desk)
TAP: So before you moved in, what then if not the Lugers, like, did the fascists do it by the vodka stand with MP-38s?
VMP: (unintelligible profanity) Capitalist, fascist, dog! (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)
TAP: So he does realize he gave us his phone number & address up front right? (mumbling) Yeah, yeah. (mumbling) Okay, let’s dial again. He’s new to the valiant colonel’s office, he doesn’t know how to block the calls yet. (mumbling) Then we’ll try his home number too, either way we’re good. We can let his wife know what an awesome Nazi hunter her husband is.
Oh my, this $500 stogie tastes so much better when it’s licked by your shattered dreams.