Great news, everybody! There’s a front page news story that doesn’t involve politics, sexual assault, destroyed human flesh, or politics. It’s the question of what’s up with this supposed big empty space discovered inside of Khufu’s giant ode to human waste, aka the Pyramids.
For the uninitiated, the Pharaohs built the Pyramids as giant teleportation chambers that were intended to take their souls to eternity as gods. The structures took decades to build and cost countless human lives. But as I’ll always say, who the hell are we to say this was stupid and didn’t work? For all we know Khufu is indeed seated upon his throne in Valhalla swilling barley wine from a highball glass shouting, “Foools!”
So basically a bunch of scientists have used new technology to look inside the rock of the Pyramid and have determined there are two empty voids inside the Pyramid, as shown in this diagram I ripped from the BBC:
Oh my, what the fuck could those be? Who knows. But we’ll speculate here, because why not? We’ve got nothing better to do.
1) These voids don’t actually exist, the technology is wrong, and instead these areas are just solid rock. Human hope and adventure are destroyed in agony as we realize all the breadth and scope of the human spirit still can’t develop technology capable of scanning a five-thousand year old piece of stone.
2) The bigger void is actually the Valhalla Purgatory Sexual Assault Branch Clinic. It was established by Pharaoh Apophis II after his demise in 2867 BC at the hands of an aggrieved female attendant. Weinstein, Spacey, Trump, and Clinton are all bound to do time there. They all get there down the road, and they find Louis XIV is seated in a wicker chair at the entrance. Louis pulls on his cigarette, and wryly states, “Welcome Gentlemen, pull up a chair, you’re going to be here for a while.” [pulls on cigarette]
3) The rock in the voids has crumbled for some reason due to the Pyramid settling, or natural erosion, or through mistakes by the original builders. In ancient times these weren’t voids but solid stone, but now they’ve emerged over the thousands of years since construction.
4) The voids were created in 2008 in secret by Jeff Bezos. It houses the “Arcane Division” of Amazon Web Services. Held on the bank of servers within is the hopes, dreams, fears, and buying habits of every man, woman, and child on Earth, to include whether the most destitute man alive wants to buy a comb or not. Bezos figured the Pyramid was the safest place to build this as, “No matter how crooked I am, how many politicians I bribe, or how hated I am, they can’t possibly blow up the Pyramids, right?” [lights cigar with Ben Franklin; puffs on cigar]
5) Khufu had a handball court built in there, just because he could. 3K slaves died to make it happen. It was sealed inside the rock. He never played on it once. This amused him every time he thought about it.
6) It’s where the aliens hid the bomb.
7) The Pharaoh’s builders made the voids to account for star fluctuation based upon their astronomical measurements (yes, they did this) and mathematical calculations. The intent to was to mass accelerate the Pharaoh’s divine journey into oblivion.
8) Beer repository for the afterlife. Khufu had 9K years of beer stored in there so he could swill in Valhalla with glorious abandon. What happens after the beer runs out in 4K years? Khufu hasn’t thought that far ahead, it makes him sad when he does. And in any case, all things being equal, Khufu never thought humanity would last this long anyways without blowing ourselves up.
9) Khufu had the chamber built just to mess with people’s brains. They’re entirely empty. They serve no purpose.
10) The chambers were hand carved from the bare rock by one time Minister of State for Antiquities Affairs, closet Bayern Munich fan, amateur bridge player, and perverse sexual deviant Zahi Hawass. Within the confines of the void he toils on a daily basis to supplement his meager millions of previous income with his own line of Indiana Jones custom hats, archeology lectures, commentary upon the Jewish race, boom mike operator temp assignment business for the National Geographic, Discovery, and History Channels, and his own independent line of male perfume “Pharaoh’s Shaft”. None of this is a lie, just ask the great man himself! @ZahiHawass “TUTANKHAMUN – HIS TOMB & HIS TREASURES is in Sweden! Come to my lecture on Jan 31st at the Oscarsteatern, Stockholm” [Editor’s Note: the ALL CAPS is ALL ZAHI! ALL THE TIME!]
FOOOLS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! [swigs barley wine]