It’s time to incinerate a core evil

It’s become more about money than freedom. If history goes in cycles, we’re at a tipping point to a new era. Our direction depends on the course we take as a people.

What’s changed that gave birth to this pivot? For those of you who actually care who Gwyneth Paltrow is married to, here’s a short lesson. It’s mostly technology, but also that a Western democracy can no longer borrow free money. The computing capacity available to today’s society enables a level of wealth creation unknown to any prior age. The elite then use these super-fortunes to buy influence and control which feeds more treasure to them. This creates an exponential cycle in which those who possess little money and powers are just simply left out. Some folks have begun to talk of a ‘Second Gilded Age’. I’m not so sure about this, I just know we have a huge problem here.

In the seven decades since the end of the Second World War these same conditions existed to some extent. It’s just that technology is so much more powerful today. And a country can’t borrow enough to buy off the lower levels of civilization. The era of guiltless never-ending state borrowing is over. The agreement used to be that the middle-class and poor got benefits provided by the state and said elites. And, here’s the kicker, the opportunity to climb the ladder. If you worked hard, you kept a job, at least partial health care, a decent retirement, and ultimately the chance to make your life and the lives of your children better.

Yet, in a manner few anticipated, this social contract depended upon the state’s ability to constantly borrow money and run a deficit. Those days are over and the state is broke. Thus the state is no longer able to meet its obligations and that leaves only the brilliant-elite. The rich are balking at assuming the state’s end of the bargain. Rightly so, it’s not their job. But people believe it is. And when nobody has enough money to solve the problem, then we have a big problem, friends.

All of this is hard enough to wrap your brains around without the plague inducing impacts of the agreement between the elite factions. Even if they had not cut a deal on their own, we’d still be out of money. But what makes this truly a potential nightmare is the renewed dark alliance between money and power. It’s always been like this to some extent, but this has gotten out of hand.

Your local, state, and federal politicians, who should be figuring out how to prevent your social security from going bankrupt, are too busy doing the bidding of those with money. You don’t have any money, and so you’re not important to them. The political-class is in the business of helping the interests of the sections of business that are shameless & immoral enough to engage in vote buying.

Together, this guild is what I refer to as the elites. This is the section of society that now exists to fuel their own interests, largely at the expense of the rest of us. This group crosses all normal boundaries you can think of. They are Democrat & Republican. They are urban & rural. They are all races. They are male & female. They’ll tell you that they they’re separated into bands that battle each other. They’re lying. They’re all one in the same.

Now not everybody who is a politician or a rich businessman fits into this category. There are entrepreneurs who refuse to play the game. There are politicians who are genuinely interested in doing only good, and don’t give a damn about money. But they are only part of the mix. What’s the ratio between them and the evil I mentioned above? I have no idea, but I know it’s not a ratio we can live with.

To illustrate what I’m talking about, let’s analyze just one issue on the table.



Your hard earned Cash tastes sweet in my Soul


Comcast wants to acquire Time Warner. By any reasonable definition, this gives Comcast a monopoly in many of the major cable & internet markets in the country. This is a product area where Americans already suffer high prices due to a lack of competition.

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts is, of course, no stranger to money in politics. President Obama golfs with Roberts, spends time in his home(s), hosts fundraisers for Obama, sits on various Presidential councils, promotes administrative initiatives, and so on.

But wait, there’s more. Roberts also donates a ton of cash to Republicans too! Now’s he’s donated more to Democrats lately, but maybe that’s just because they’re in power right now. He’s been accused many, many times in the past of being a fervent supporter of Republicans during the Bush years when they had power. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence? Maybe an Arcturan held a bolt pistol to his head and made him play both sides with lots of cash, but I doubt it.

But wait, there’s more. A former Federal Communications Commission (FCC) voting member who approved of Comcast’s merger with NBC Universal, Meredith Attwell Baker, Republican, Bush official, is now a key lobbyist with Comcast. Maybe they just hired her because of her talent and experience? I’m sure it wasn’t to return a favor or anything like that.

But wait, there’s more. Tom Wheeler, the head of the FCC and thus in charge of regulating the deal is a former lobbyist for the cable companies! And a big Obama loyalist and fundraiser. I’m sure he’s all about ruling fairly against the corporations he used to represent. I’m sure he doesn’t owe them any courtesies at all.

But wait there’s more. Comcast has developed a habit of providing campaign cash, “to almost every member of Congress who has a hand in regulating it.” Democrat & Republican. Why, well, for whatever reason would they want to do that?

So, I’ll just assume our benevolent government will fairly and impartially determine whether Comcast’s future monopoly is in the best interests of you, the American consumer, right? Do they really think we’re this stupid? Why yes, friends, yes they do!

Here’s a little hint for those of you who are only interested in having your political party, social project, or defining issue win: The elites are playing you all for fools. There is no side, there is only them. And if you’re not them, you’re not important.

Maybe you still don’t understand, or disagree with, what I’m talking about. Okay, let’s look at the most basic tenant of a functioning democracy. Do you, the average voter, have access to the politicians who represent you?

You vote for them, they work for you. A politician is your employee. As their boss, you should be able to interact with them, right? Wrong. Because you don’t have money, they don’t care what you think. Observe this truly brilliant experiment from NPR:

I can’t solve all of this in one blog post. Indeed, I’m not smart enough to solve this at all. But it’s time to begin the assault by detonating the most pervasive trait of today’s money: the theft of our freedom. We must get the elite’s cash separated from politics. Thus I propose two broad solutions as a start.



A place where Dreams are Broken


– Political Finance Reform

Now a number of you are going to blow this off outright based upon your beliefs. Oh, how fervent the opposition was to campaign finance reform. A lot of you are going to claim that supporting this is tantamount to opposing free speech. Oh, really?

Here’s the problem, kids. Free speech in terms of influencing the political debate does not exist. Instead, we have impact of speech. The impact of your speech is directly proportional to how much money you have. If you have no money, you have no impact.

Note that I also say political reform and not just campaigns. It does us no good if we fix money in campaigns, but then the elites can still buy votes with fancy trips and gifts after somebody is elected. And both “sides” need to ante up to this correction. Corporations, unions, business, environmentalists, everybody’s got to get out of the game of influencing our lives based upon how much cash they bring to the table.

– Transparency

And we need to know who’s doing it. Technology has enabled control to an extent unthinkable to those who built our republic. We need to harness its power to fight back. We need databases that show where money and politics align. These treasure troves of sin should be required for open access to the public.

Every dollar that goes into a campaign needs visibility. If we don’t know who bankrolled a guy, we can’t honestly assess whether his or her actions, once elected, aren’t influenced to the benefit of one over the many. A few of you are going to tell me this is awful because it gives government the power to retaliate against those who give money to the side that lost. That’s a valid concern, but a separate issue. Blatant political retaliation is not necessarily about money. If the government wants you, they can get you all kinds of different ways.

If a politician meets with a corporation and then writes a letter demanding action on their behalf, they’re on report. If a politician talks with a rich guy in a bar, they’re on report. If a politician goes to visit a business, they’re on report. And so on. If politicians don’t like micromanaging & reporting their lives this way, then don’t run for office. You work for us, we don’t trust you, and so we’ll monitor you like a boss monitors a degenerate employee.

If it’s all legal, if it’s all part of the normal activities of government, then the people who government represents have a right to know about it. And then we can judge for ourselves if these actions are legitimate. If it’s all above board, they have nothing to hide. If they’re up to no good, we must know and take appropriate measures.



They had money problems too, but also Honor & Duty


The great comedian, social & political commentator, Bill Hicks has a number of swell lines. You can love Bill or hate him. He had a lot to say that pissed people off. This is kind of why I favor him. Even as I agree with a lot of what he said, I also despise a lot of the rest. By the way, he knew this. It was his point. Either way, he died well before his time. Here’s my favorite from him:

“It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”

Now granted, Bill might have meant you can’t take a bus somewhere and check into a hotel room without cash. But I suspect he really meant something along the lines of what I’m talking about here today.

Igniting this core of evil and dancing upon its shattered grave is going to be very hard. Everybody in power has a vested interest in its continuance. So we need to work the problem together. If we don’t, our freedom’s destroyed forever. This isn’t a right, left, east, north, whatever, “side” thing. This is an “Our Freedom” thing. Gather your fireworks, matches, and booze, friends. It’s well past time to detonate this hateful disease from our way of life.

Don’t make things more than they are

We must eat to live. We might as well enjoy it. But this has gotten out of hand. The assholes have distorted the third most basic of human functions and turned it into a commodity for their profit. We are not the better for it.

I’ve started to notice that ordinary, random people now describe their food like a dick critic they’ve observed on that recent food show called [insert any name here]. My latest experience with this delightful phenomenon was this last weekend at a wedding. The food was very good, but folks felt compelled to explain how they enjoyed it like the actors (they’re not chefs once they take media cash) they saw on television. Here are a few examples that I made up based roughly on what I heard:


What They Said: This prime rib has great texture and is cooked to perfection.

What They Meant: This is good meat, hell yeah.

What People Used to Say: This is good shit.


What They Said: I find the dressing has just the right vinegar and acidity for my tastes.

What They Meant: I like this salad dressing.

What People Used to Say: Good salad, man.


What They Said: This cheesecake has the right balance of sweet and savory.

What They Meant: I like my desert, go humanity.

What People Used to Say: Give me more.


When we begin to emulate the media’s view of our most essential acts, folks, it’s time to detonate the human race. What we apparently now think is food is instead a machine engineered version of food created for us by broadcasting fucks. Folks, that’s not food. That’s entertainment. Close your mouths or start to talk like real people again.

As a disclaimer, I cook, I cook well, and I cook all the time. I truly enjoy it. But I don’t make the elite trash you see on the idiot box. I make real food that the actors would call garbage. Well, thanks rich assholes, but I live in the real world. I cook real food and I like it. This is how we normal people live. You all can go to hell or return to your mansions, thank you.

Don’t make things more than they are. It’s not about textures, or acidity, or the views of faceless actors whose opinions aren’t worth the time it takes you to watch them. If you enjoy these shows, as I sometimes do, game on, but remember what it’s all about. Don’t lose focus.  Food is about sustaining life. Food is also about eating and sharing good times with your friends and family, those whom you love. If you make it more than that, you’re missing the point.


I have more money than Jesus. But if you don’t eat just like I do, you’re Satan.

Fraudulent elections are the best elections

I’ve called my own snap election! I’ve consulted six million of my closest neighbors to determine if I am the biggest degenerate, hack in the galaxy. My opponent: ordinary, private citizen Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. By a 99% margin, they chose me.

Shocked, I fled to my hovel and cried like a schoolgirl rejected by Bieber until one of my Arcturan guests knocked me out with a blow to the back of the neck. They were sick of my noise. They were playing cards and required my silence. Or whatever they call cards. I don’t understand the game other than that for once, they don’t yell a lot.

Why do the dictators bother? Everybody on the planet knows that when you rake in 99% of the vote, your election was an exercise less useful than doing yoga in an attempt to rid yourself of the plague. Everyone with a functioning brain already knows Sisi is the next president of Egypt. Why will he bother holding a poll? Nobody’s going to believe it was real. What’s the point?

No really, I don’t get it. I may insult our debauched race like it’s cool but I generally have faith that we’re not all drug-fueled-idiots. Not one person is this stupid. Nobody believes 99% is legitimate. So I have no idea. If you know, tell me, and then inform your neighbors, and then call Sisi and see if he agrees. I’m sure it’ll be real easy to get him on the phone.

The Arcturans don’t understand either. Where they come from, a fraud election is called a “brutal, comprehensive liquidation of your political, cultural, and practical enemies”. They don’t comprehend why Sisi doesn’t just take his efforts “to the next level” rather than wasting time and resources on tedious balloting. I tried to explain to them that Earth is different from Arcturus. On Earth, nobody could get away with that kind of brutality anymore.

Our planet is more sophisticated than theirs. Here, if a Middle East dictator exterminated several-hundred-thousand humans in an attempt to consolidate his rule, we wouldn’t stand for it, we’d put a stop to it. So, … (unintelligible profanity) (throws chair)

You know what, fraudulent elections are the best elections. Sisi is the next president of Egypt. He’ll get the title via deceit or the deaths of many. Either way, it’s his job, nobody on this planet’s going to stop him. So you know what, let him have a fake referendum. Since nobody cares, it’s better than massive blood in the streets.


This fine gentleman considers Sisi a “putrid lightweight” in terms of his “barbarity”

Let’s ask the robots to battle human misery

It’s cool to distract ourselves from the crushing reality of life with neat little treats, right? Look everybody, it’s a creepy solar powered robot directing traffic in a destitute country. How awesome is that! Well, not at all. If you think it is, as apparently half the modern news media does, you need to go first in line when the machines conveyer belt us all into the incinerator.

I don’t get the fascination with the two Kinshasa robots. In a broken city of ten million dominated by poverty, crime, and corruption we get a series of one or two paragraph articles from our wise, establishment journalists about a faceless little robot that replaces a transportation cop. This just displaced the human to walk a beat so he could get cash. When he’s stuck in the middle of the traffic circle, he can’t demand money.

I want to know how much these robots cost and then how much sleaze occurred just to get them built. Don’t ask the news idiots for that information; they’re not in the business of asking hard questions. They were too busy interviewing the Congolese officials, who bought a new refrigerator off the bribe cash they got, how they put the robots there.

Or maybe I’m wrong, it seems even the most impoverished soul loves the robots because they actually do their jobs and can’t request currency. So they’re superior to your average Congolese enforcer. Hell, they’re even better than any human, anywhere.

Let’s build more of them! They can perform all kinds of delightful tasks:

a) Cure Polio – Militant religious (not religious) assholes will have a real hard time assassinating a polio vaccination worker made of titanium.

b) Banish Malaria – Since we as a human race can’t afford to issue everybody six dollar bed nets, the robots can stand guard and zap mosquitos that approach at night.

c) Purify Potable Water – The robot will stand next to your putrid source, extend a pipe from its groin into the water, and then produce ready to drink liquid from his hand into your container of choice.

d) Execute Justice – A black cloaked machine will preside over the courts and interpret the law impartially using a wide database of past legal history. Verdicts will surprisingly be rendered without considering the influence of financial wealth and/or death threats.

e) Enforce the Righteous Arm of Morality – Thug androids made of tungsten will patrol the beat with all government and law enforcement officials. Said machine will be preprogrammed to identify the chemical reactions present in the skin and brain of an official demanding a bribe. If observed, the thug robot breaks the legs of the offending individual with a pipe.

I mean honestly, why not, it’s not like we’re going to do any of these things ourselves.


I live only to serve the public. Your adoration is enough to fuel all my physical and spiritual desires.

Ultimately, this crash says more about China than anything else

By any definition, this is bizarre. But I’m actually rather surprised it doesn’t happen more often. We place our lives in the hands of two total strangers every time we board an aircraft. They sit up there behind a locked, armored door. Whatever they want to do, they’ll do. Who knows if the airlines vet their people well? Seeing as how governments can’t vet people for critical security clearances properly, I guarantee you the airlines are making a hash of it too.

Yet ultimately in the grand scheme of Asia, I think this says more about China. This morning the Chinese People’s Armed Police allowed the families of the Chinese passengers to march on the Malaysian Embassy in Beijing. I say allowed because the Armed Police don’t let anybody demonstrate anywhere in these numbers without either their approval or a barrage of rubber bullets. They also allowed the families past their riot line, but blocked journalists from following, a further indication that this protest is endorsed by the Chinese government.

What do they want Malaysia to do? A crazy man, in my opinion the co-pilot although I don’t know what I’m talking about, decided to crash an airplane. It’s a horrible, senseless act of murder. And certainly the Malaysian authorities have made a hash of providing accurate, timely information to the families. Yet is that a reason to bully Malaysia with several weeks’ worth of public statements admonishing it for a not well executed response. Did I mention this is bizarre? Any country would have a hard time getting this done right. Get off their backs, please.

The Chinese Deputy Foreign Minister offered this helpful advice, “We demand the Malaysian side state the detailed evidence that leads them to this judgment, as well as supply all the relevant information and evidence about the satellite data analysis.” This is a government that wants to show they don’t trust anybody, anywhere to tell the truth. China will look out for Chinese citizens alone. We the benevolent Communist Party are in charge of Chinese everywhere, and Asia too, please don’t forget. Down with you British satellite company, we’ll do it ourselves.

There were 152 Chinese aboard, but there were 87 others too. Everybody else seems to be capable of assisting and investigating the crash without resulting to criminal accusations of “murder” and generally just losing their shit.

You can’t really blame the families too much, although I suspect men in suits have enabled their anger. To me, this shows a Chinese government committed to a policy of bullying neighbors as if the Empire’s back to life. To China, Malaysia lost an aircraft, and must be made to respond, be held accountable, and generally do as China says. Period. Nobody’s going to say this right now because they’re focused on the aircraft. Rightly so. But there’s still a gang outside the Malaysian Embassy in Beijing today. It shouldn’t be there. Period.

Xi Jinping

Even the death of 152 of my citizens is no reason not to remind a continent that I’m in charge now.

Know your audience

There are times people should know you have more money than Satan. And that’s a big deal, because he’s freaking Satan. There are also times you need to look around, and know when to throttle back. I don’t have a ton of gold in my crazy dragon cave. So I have no context and thus can’t help you.

There’s one of the big men at work. He makes a ton of cash. He likes to talk about his custom built boat and fancy castle. Generally you can look past it, if you even care or notice. Still, it can get old when a chap spends a good deal of his day informing others of how much cool stuff he has. I wonder if he realizes he can’t take any of that fancy shit to the next life? I mean, really, his skeleton’s going to look awfully similar to the homeless guy down the road.

At any rate, none of this really bothers me. I’m not dirt poor or even close to poor by any standard. But I’ll never own the fancy kit he’s talking about, and it doesn’t bother me. And even on days like today where he was comparing the virtues of six-figure cars with his buddies who stopped by, well, I kind of get a kick out of hearing about a car that’s so well engineered that if you leave the windows down while you hit top speed, it’ll remove the skin from your bones.

But a lot of people don’t see it that way. I didn’t notice, and I’m sure Mr Bling didn’t either, but after he left, I noticed from the chatter that a lot of people took it the wrong way. I guess it makes sense. When you make many times well north of six-figures, probably best to watch what you say in front of those who make less than half of six-figures solid.

You can make of this what you will. This is either a big deal, or not, or it’s just noise. I go either way really. But I guess it matters to me not because people got pissed off, you can’t blink without somebody getting offended at something these days, but because it influences views of our culture.

Reference my previous post, capitalism’s got a bad reputation these days. As you’ve heard me rant, a lot of this reputation is rightly deserved when it’s been so twisted by bad buys. But I still think it’s the best we’ve got, we’ve got to do better, not trash it entirely.

But it doesn’t help things when those with a lot of diamonds make it a point to rub it in. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t brag about all your neat toys, just know your audience. If you just poisoned a room of twelve people toward your fellow rich guys, I don’t think you’ve helped the system that made you wealthy. It’s not envy from the little guy, rich dude; it’s just common respect, show good form to your neighbor and you’re likely to receive it in return.

Maybe you don’t care rich dude, but I hope you believe that it’s a good thing if people can get as rich as you did down the road with the same level of hard work. Part of that is defending, or at least not poisoning, the system with a lack of class. Know your audience, lest you give one side the ammo and recruits they need to overturn your way of life.

Personally, I like the Japanese & Korean way the best. You could walk past a billionaire on the street there and not know it. They wear their wealth behind closed doors. You’ll get a four figure bottle of joy served to you inside a common shack. They get a kick out of hosting you that way, especially if you’re like me and you showed up wearing clothes worth less than his dog’s leash. Something to think about the next time you tell everybody how big your custom boat is, friend.


At least I’m hi-larious.

Arcturus News Muster – 24 March 2014

On Arcturus, the news is presented for consumption by a grizzled Arcturan enforcer veteran (nobody retires) who provides coherent analysis, with heavy bias, and an educated filter. This means he sounds awfully like an Earth reporter, except for the intelligence part. Thus, bask in the glory of the work of Ashik-Al of the Ninth Regiment. Or don’t, either way, I assure you, he doesn’t care.


1) Egyptian Court Channels “Inner Asshole”

The Arcturus Project News

In a development shocking only to those who don’t understand the Arab mind a court in Egypt sentenced to death over five-hundred supporters of deposed President Mohammed Morsi. The five-hundred are said to have received the privilege of martyrdom as they were not among the more than one-thousand shot dead by security forces in the streets earlier this year. “They just squeaked through somehow,” said Interior Ministry Colonel Ibrahim “The Bull” Ibn Trigger, “we just couldn’t get them to connect with a bullet in the air. So we’re going to have to do this the hard way.”

Critics charged that the brief, clearly one-sided, verdict was beyond extreme for the death of only one police officer. However, analysts stated the verdict is likely to lessen on appeal and that an Egyptian death sentence is rarely carried out in practice. “What we’ll see is a lot of folks locked up, but I don’t think we’re going to see any mass executions,” quoted one justice expert from the World Bank.

Colonel Ibn Trigger agreed with this assessment. “I think in the end, most of these guys will actually go completely free. We’re just trying to scare them a little. Who do you think we are, Assad? We’d never get away with such a horrific crime of executing so many behind bars. Plus, if they’re on the streets again, I can go back to work.”


2) Bankers Acquire More Cash to Lick Celebratory Cigars

The Arcturus Project News

The United Kingdom’s Co-op Bank was to obtain more than £400M in cash ($659M) to make up for its more than £1.2B loss from 2013. It will raise the money via a unique share issue. The move follows the discovery of additional factors exposing the further fragile nature of the bank’s organization and stability.

The new funds were also required to lick an extended shipment of Cuban cigars that arrived just this month. The priceless tobacco came to celebrate the bank’s continued success despite an ongoing history of civil and criminal failures. Said Chief Executive Niall Booker, “Nobody’s ever been punished. I’m completely incompetent. I’m making at least £40M this year. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate. This is the best job on the planet.”

Mr Booker brushed away criticism that the bank is unmanageable and that its overall health as an institution was in question at severe risk to the British taxpayer. “Fuck you,” he offered, “Fuck you all.”


3) An Interview with the New Boss of Belbek

The Arcturus Project News

The Arcturus Project News spoke with Sergei Pianowirevich, recently appointed by President Vladimir Putin as Interim Commander, Belbek Air Force Base, Crimea.

The Arcturus Project: Colonel Pianowirevich, thanks for agreeing to speak with us via telephone.

Colonel Pianowirevich: My pleasure, but please, I’m no colonel.

TAP: Ah, my apologies, your rank?

Pianowirevich: I’m actually a vice marshall of the local Russian culture, vodka, & chess club.

TAP: Uh, …, okay, so ah, …, Vice Marshall Pianowirevich?

Pianowirevich: Yes?

TAP: Okay, ah, so, …, how’s your first day in command going? And congratulations on your glorious victory.

Vice Marshall Pianowirevich: Thank you. Thank you. Splendid, splendid. We’re taking an inventory of equipment, assets, and ensuring security is handled well.

TAP: And the former Ukrainian occupants?

VMP: Ha! Don’t worry, those dirty fascist rats are headed home safely. We’re not animals after all!

TAP: Holy shit! (drops glass) You guy’s took a bunch of fucking Nazis prisoner!?

VMP: Uh, excuse me?

TAP: A bunch of freaking Nazis! You gotta be shitting me!? (throws notes) How many? Were they true black suited SS!?

VMP: You seem to misunderstand, they are Ukrainian fascists from their country’s armed forces.

TAP: You said they were fascists. Ukrainian Nazis. They have to be like ninety, each of them.

VMP: Yes, yes, but not Nazis, German Nazis, they’re all young. You see there’s a difference.

TAP: Ah, I see, forgive me but I’m really confused. How would you describe the difference?

VMP: I don’t understand.

TAP: Well you see, I’m an educated man, I read things, and I guess when you say fascists I think of all those Nazis that burned half of Russia sixty years ago.

VMP: Yes, that’s them! Hehe, you’ve got it.

TAP: Ah, so how many Russian’s did those dirty Hitler-lovers get this time before you stepped in?

VMP: …

TAP: Vice Marshall?

VMP: No, yes, but you seem to misunderstand, the fascists were here to enslave Russians.

TAP: So they must have really burned the shit out of the Russian quarter in Sevastopol. Did they do a bunch of old fashioned Luger executions by the sausage stand before you guy’s moved in to save the day?

VMP: Now listen, I see where this is going, you’re one of them. You’re a dirty Western fascist! I’m not going to stand for this propaganda. We did what we wanted on our own. We cleansed our great nation and returned it to our Motherland! (pounds desk)

TAP: So before you moved in, what then if not the Lugers, like, did the fascists do it by the vodka stand with MP-38s?

VMP: (unintelligible profanity) Capitalist, fascist, dog! (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)

TAP: So he does realize he gave us his phone number & address up front right? (mumbling) Yeah, yeah. (mumbling) Okay, let’s dial again. He’s new to the valiant colonel’s office, he doesn’t know how to block the calls yet. (mumbling) Then we’ll try his home number too, either way we’re good. We can let his wife know what an awesome Nazi hunter her husband is.

(end tape)


Oh my, this $500 stogie tastes so much better when it’s licked by your shattered dreams.

It’s well past time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet

I’ve honestly never understood the supposedly reasonable arguments for not, at the very least, establishing a no-fly zone over Syria.  The situation’s a mess, it’s probably not solvable by the international community, and in any case nobody’s going to put troops on the ground.  So why care?  Because when you’re letting a guy push barrel bombs out the back of helicopters onto apartment blocks, then we are all complicit in such a disgusting act because it’s so easy for us to stop it.

This is yet again, on full display, the incompetent narcissism of the international diplomatic community.  For them it’s about the self-interest of a nation and the preservation of a very precise and refined international order that they build and maintain.  If the events of the last few months have shown anything, it exposes just how foolish this fantasy really is.  So we’ve allowed a guy to murder north of one-hundred thousand of his own people because attacking him would make Russia angry?  How’d that work out for us?  If we’re going to live in a lawless world where Crimea is a footnote by next August, well let’s just go ahead and do whatever we fucking want also.

Sweeping the skies clean isn’t going to solve Syria’s civil war.  Assad can always just fire tank shells into hospitals too.  But you go with the art of the possible.  Despite what cowardly, uniformed politicians (they call themselves generals & admirals) in the West have claimed, this isn’t that hard or dangerous.  They could establish and maintain a no-fly zone in Syria in a week.  This we can do.  We can’t destroy every tank in Syria without invading, and we’re certainly not going to do that.  Fine, we take what we can get.  At least it’s something.  At least it’s a message that we actually care about what kind of world we live in.

Oh my, says the established, educated diplomat.  Well what about the removal of the chemical weapons?  We can’t allow that deal to get detonated, Mr Arcturus, can we?  Ah, I see, so Assad has met all his deadlines on chemical weapons, right?  Here’s a view of the future that’s one-hundred percent guaranteed to be true, friends: Assad’s not going to ever give up all his chemical weapons.  Ever.  That said diplomat(s) actually believed he would, shows their naive idiocy.

Turkey shot down one jet today and strangely the universe hasn’t collapsed upon itself.  The war will go on.  But that jet won’t be dropping five-hundred pound bombs on a school tomorrow.  Time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet from whatever honorable nations choose to let fly.  The war will go on, but we’ll save tens-of-thousands of lives.  In this dark world, for the moment, we can put that in the win column.  Evil’s been on a hell of a streak lately.  Time to punch back.


First round goes to the man with the gun kill on a barrel bomb helicopter.

The problem with capitalism is?

Think the laws are asinine?  That they appear as if written by elves popped up on meth?  It’s all true, except that meth elves would write better legislation than your average politician.  Especially because meth elves can’t be bought off with campaign cash, special favors, or drugs.  Except if those drugs are meth, in which case you could get the meth elves to vote for legalized schoolchildren abduction.

Try this detailed & thorough legislative process on for size, friends:

So folks have distilled whiskey in Tennessee for a long time.  Now, for whatever reason (there is no legitimate reason by the way), a bunch of politicians have decided they are going to tell humanity what is and is not whiskey.  Did you hear that?  A guy who can’t remember where his car keys are until his sycophantic aide reminds him is going to tell a master distiller how to run his business.

Then two extremely large and rich multinational corporations are going to get involved too.  Their purpose is to lobby (buy) the votes necessary to craft the legislation that is most beneficial to their interests.

Guess who gets lost in all of this?  You.  You’re too stupid to look at a label and buy the whiskey you think is best at an honest and reasonable price.  Politicians and big business are going to tell you what is whiskey, how much you should pay for it, the meaning of life, and whether or not you should have broken up with that girl thirty years ago.  Don’t ask questions, don’t think, just keep shoveling your hard earned cash at them please, they’re busy and important men.  They don’t have time to care what you think.

I’ve been churning a lot lately on why most folks now hate capitalism when the alternatives have such an awesome track record.  I think I’ve hit on it.  People don’t hate capitalism.  They hate crony capitalism.  And they really, really despise that the game is rigged.  They want an honest playing field for all.  They don’t want elite political and corporate leaches ruining it for the rest of us because the leaches want a new boat.  Now you’re going to tell me that’s because capitalism, crony capitalism, and a rigged game go hand-in-hand.  So it’s all the same thing right?

I disagree.  They’ve been making whiskey for two hundred plus years in Tennessee without this law.  Seeing as how I’ve sat across the table and toasted Tennessee whiskey with Japanese, Russians (they’re not all Vlad loving fuckers), tart Brits, and Koreans with Tennessee whiskey in the glass, I can assure you their use of capitalism is working just fine.  But now, we’ll go ahead and add crony capitalism and vote buying to the distiller’s mix.  Awesome, way to ruin a great thing, assholes.  It’ll make a lot of politicians and corporations very rich.  You’ll lose out, and so will the small business distillers, but nobody cares about that.

So remember, next time you think the laws are screwed up, or that capitalism is unfair?  Call your local politician.  Don’t tell the first goon on the line you’re there to complain.  First tell them that you represent Proctor & Gamble and wish to contribute $500K to the next campaign.  Then, when the real person is on the line, let ‘em have it with both barrels, frontier Tennessee style!


Suddenly, I taste a lot worse when I’m endorsed by the state.

Ignoring history has become too common

Everybody hates history.  It’s boring, most people who teach it are weird, it has almost no practical value toward our daily lives, and if you believe all of these things you’re in the majority.  That doesn’t mean you’re right.  Ignorance of history is also a poison to a culture.

In my opinion, one of the major common themes of a destroyed civilization is the absence of any understand of its history.  Do you think the drunk, rich assholes in Rome had any idea how hard it was to build their Empire right before Attila instructed them on the ways of the universe?

I could write ten pages on this topic, but I’m here today to raise one point that recently came to mind.  Twelve Years a Slave has won the Oscar for best picture.  They say it’s pretty good.  I haven’t seen it, but maybe I will later.  Perhaps just because it’s the elite thing to see it, I refuse to.

What really irks me is one of the greatest compliments people (idiots) hoist upon the movie’s shoulders is how it (my summary) exposes the rotten, intrinsically evil, founding principles of America.  I have no idea if this is what the movie’s creators intended, usually the audience can interpret whatever they want, but it’s what a lot of individuals are saying.  Folks who have no conception of their own history are happy to clap for a movie that informs them their heritage came from Satan.  Wow, that really makes me want to see the movie and enjoy it.

It’s easy to hate what you don’t understand.  The country was certainly founded with a great evil in slavery.  But the Founding Fathers knew this.  Just read Adams, Washington, Jefferson, and you quickly learn they all were well aware of what they were doing.  If you’ve learned anything on this blog it’s that life is a cruel bitch.  You do the best you can.  They made mistakes, and they certainly also made compromises.  In the end, they still created a very beautiful thing.  Maybe if your ancestors were under the whip you don’t see it that way, but I hope you at least understand where I’m coming from.  As I certainly understand where you’re coming from.

What bothers me the most in this conversation is that there was also a cleansing act in history that people ignore.  It’s called the American Civil War.  The Founding Fathers left this very stark issue for their grandchildren to address.  When people bring up the movie, they forget to mention that just a few years after the events of the movie took place, the country blew up.  If slavery was our founding sin, we paid for it in righteous blood.  One out of every thirty Americans died in this war.  The equivalent number in today’s population is ten million people.  It didn’t necessarily end there, just ask MLK’s ghost, but it was a start.

Two of my ancestors shed their blood on the battlefield to free the slaves and preserve America.  Don’t tell me we’re founded and sustained upon sin.  We’re human, we’ve made horrible mistakes.  But we’ve made up for them with great, virtuous acts.  We have a long way to go, but that’s history’s context too.  Compared to losing ten million on the battlefield, I assure you, we can make it all so much better together, hand-in-hand.  But we’re not going to get there listening to people who are stuck in the past, when they don’t understand the past.

So do me a favor you elite assholes.  The next time you mention how rotten we all are, at least be willing to tell me you’ve heard of Antietam or Cold Harbor or Fort Wagner or Chickamauga.  If you don’t know what they are?  Then I have no interest in what you have to say about our history.


You cannot fathom, my fellow Americans, of how awful it really was.