When I was growing up, it seems almost everyone had a car alarm, or that club tool thing that went around the wheel. Or a rapid ferret that lived in the car, and would bite and infect any robber who sat in the driver’s seat. Then these devices seemed to have faded from my memory. In the last few days though I have had several encounters with this technology that have reawakened my knowledge of car alarms. This brings to mind several key points:
1) What’s the rate of car theft nowadays anyways?
2) Are there more or less car alarms than there were say 20 years ago?
3) If the use of anti-vehicle theft technology is still there, is an audible car alarm the best method?
I mean, I parked in a commercial garage where the cars are packed in there with about as much space between spots as needed for a twelve year old to squish through. So I accidently hit the rear view mirror of this guy’s SUV which was the size of a main battle tank. So I pushed his rear view mirror back into place, and this, this infinitesimal action sets off the loudest car alarm known to man. You could probably have heard this thing from the Moon. What a loser.
So let’s get into the data:
1) Per FBI statistics, in the year 2000, the motor vehicle theft rate was 412.2. In 2019 it was 219.9. In other words, the rate of theft dropped by half. An interesting note is that: “The average dollar loss per stolen vehicle was $8,886”. Even a new cheap vending machine car costs like $20K nowadays. So that means the average stolen vehicle is a used piece of shit. I equate this to that older and cheaper vehicles are easier to steal, and are likely parked more frequently in high crime areas.
Also, newer vehicles, like the main battle tank I made mad, likely have many, many anti-theft technologies that make them almost impossible to steal. The days of hotwiring a car like you’re David Hasselhoff are over, folks. But if you’re a thief and your target is a 2004 Honda Accord, you can probably pull that off pretty easily.
2) I could not locate (and/or am too lazy) definitive statistics on if car alarms or more or less common than in say, 2000. But let’s break this down for a second. A car alarm is there so that:
a) Bad guy or gal gains entry into vehicle by any means (window break, jimmy door open, teleportation)
b) Car realizes that said entry into vehicle is wrong, decides to turn on alarm
c) Car makes a bunch of loud noises and flashes its lights to get attention of nearby bystanders
d) Nearby bystanders telephone law enforcement who show up and either stop theft in progress or at least know theft has happened (maybe witness got the plate number)
The problem is does step (d) even happen anymore? I don’t think so. I make absolutely no attempt to look in the general direction of a car alarm that’s going off. It’s just ambient background noise. It can be very annoying if one is close by, but I generally ignore it. I attribute this to:
a) Nobody gives a damn anymore, nobody cares if somebody else’s car is getting boosted; I attribute this as a part of a broader decline in Americans totally not caring about their neighbors, the smartphone is calling, after all
b) Car alarms go off so often, essentially a series of false alarms, that people never think it’s for real; I bet 99.9% of the times a car alarm has gone off in history, it’s a false alarm
To me, this means that car alarms are essentially ineffective, and thus, a gimmick sold by grifters to fools who don’t understand the concept of crime deterrence and anti-theft technology in modern America and its cars.
3) As always, we a TAP are here to help. We have demonstrated in intricate, wise detail above, how the modern audible car alarm does not work. Here are ten better methods that actually will work, while keeping the noise down for the rest of us:
a) The aforementioned rapid ferret. This method was effective in 1978, it can still work now. We at TAP have ferrets to sell. They have both rabies, and covid, and we will teach them to love you, and viciously attack anybody not you that sits in your car’s driver’s seat. We even provide a custom play house in the back seat for ferret to live in. If you’re interested in purchasing a ferret from us, please send cash, money order, or mint condition gold doubloons to:
The Arcturus Project – Weaponized Ferret Vehicle Defense Project (Program Lucius)
C/O Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation
1794 Aguiyi Ironsi Street
Abuja 900001, Nigeria
b) You know those tubes that drunks have to blow into the car, so it starts, after the car verifies their blood ABV levels are legal? In our version, you blow into the tube so the car verifies via DNA it’s you or your family member. If not, a thermite charge located beneath the driver’s seat detonates. Our tests (which we only used on crash test dummies, honest) show a painful burn fatality rate of the robber at 98%.
c) Allow your modern car’s anti-theft technology to just do its thing as designed. Just don’t add the needless audible car alarm.
d) A smartphone app that lets you know if your vehicle starts moving and you’re not in it (this probably already exists). Only our version includes the thermite charge, and an installed camera so you can watch the robber burn alive on your smartphone. Then you can upload the video to your friends for their smartphone enjoyment, lol.
e) We install some type of twisted AI into your car ala Space Odyssey or that AI program that kicks everyone’s ass in Go. When the robber gets in the driver’s seat, the AI realizes it’s not you. The AI contacts the police, locks the car doors, disables the engine, and then subjects the robber to lessons in Western philosophy and on why theft is morally wrong, for a minimum of 30 minutes before releasing the car’s locks and thus the robber to the authorities. If the cops get there early, they have to wait until the AI’s lecture is done. The AI’s voice is Christopher Walken.
f) Please, help me.
g) Instead of an audible car alarm, use that white foam from Demolition Man that floods the entire car’s interior with protective goo. When you get back to your car the robber will be trapped in there. Then you can poke them with a stick until the fire department gets there to cut them out.
h) No, please, help me; they made me do this post; why? why would they do that to me?
i) Don’t own a car to begin with. This is not a realistic option for most, but it’s there. I mean, think of how much harder it’d be for a thief to take your vehicle, if your vehicle was a camel, or an Imperial AT-ST walker.
j) Enjoy your day, friends. Drive safe!