I like to consider myself a fairly well read dude. But every once and a while I come across something insane, and yet I know nothing about it.
In this case it had to do with a big celebrity event. This explains my ignorance. Because I care not about celebrities or their lives.
But still, for whatever reason (I’m in idiot) I had to break this down in my mind. Please bear with us as we discuss this most inconsequential of topics.
Every year a bunch of very, very rich people go to an annual fundraising event called the Met Gala. It’s a charity (cue laugh track) event at the Met. It supposedly benefits the Met’s Costume Institute, a subsection of the Met that does clothing exhibits.
According to the BBC, this event “is considered the highlight of New York’s social calendar”. And they have themes, I guess.
This year’s theme was “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, which showcases how Catholicism has influenced fashion throughout history.” Uh, okay.
So as best as I can figure, celebrities are probably 98% atheist. But for whatever reason all these people are going to dress up in a religious style. Sort of.
As an example, here is a picture of Rihanna dressed up like a pope.
Here is a picture of Katy Perry with angel wings.
Do you get it? You see, the pope and angel inspiration are like religious things. So that’s why they did that.
Here is Olivia Munn (who to me will only ever been known as Aaron Rogers destructive girlfriend) with supposed chain mail on her scalp. As in, The Crusades. DO YOU GET IT?
Here’s Tommy “The Ventilator” Brady doing his best impression of being a Redanian mage from The Witcher 3.
Here is a picture of Ordinary Average Gentleman Stan Winslow, he repairs cars for his neighbors and coaches his kid’s soccer team.
So all these folks show up. They get their picture taken. Then they go in and eat, gossip, do the rich person socialite thing, and they move on. Some amount of money goes to the Met to continue operations. Rinse and repeat annually.
So based on my meticulous research, I have some conclusions and some recommendations to improve the event for next year.
a) It’s almost like the theme is irrelevant and a bunch of fashion folks just use it as an excuse to come up with wacky costume designs. If the theme was say, whales, Katy Perry would have had a big whale fin on her back. DO YOU GET IT?
b) The rich and powerful and celebrity are happy to absorb any excuse to dress up, get their picture taken, feel important, talk to people like them, and so on. The most comical idea is this is somehow a charity event. I doubt the Met is hard up for cash.
c) I mean, it’s not like all these people are going to say go with the Catholic theme and raise money for the Society of St. Vincent de Paul in the City of New York, a Catholic charity that helps New York City’s criminally destitute to eat, have a roof over their heads, etc, etc.
d) The fact that this event was international front page news is yet another mark that our culture is bound for the crypt and/or justification for an alien race to conquer us to save us from ourselves.
1) Return next year to the Catholic theme.
2) Demand accurate costumes to reflect the true history of Catholicism.
3) 100% of the proceeds go directly to Society of St. Vincent de Paul in the City of New York.
4) Cameras are not allowed.
5) The rich will be made to sit on wooden benches and eat sludge ala a Catholic monastery Circa 1284.
6) Monks will chant Bible verses focusing on the parts where that weird Dude helps the poor and describes how the meek will inherit everything.
7) Rihanna will dress in authentic full 8th Century papal garb, and be subjected to the full breadth of assassination attempts, Roman intrigue, obscure Holy Roman Empire politics, and baffling disagreements over minor esoteric spiritual interpretations.
8) Katy Perry will dress as a true avenging angel of the Lord God. From her chain belt will hang on a meat hook the severed head of Abū Bakr al-Baghdadi, former Overlord and Servant of Satan.
9) Olivia Munn will dress as a Knight of Jerusalem and be forced to engage in actual live battle axe fights with the current girlfriend of one Aaron Rogers for the honor of her knight’s house.
10) Tommy will dress as an alter boy. His wife has to wear the most basic of black shirt and slacks priest garb.
11) The Clooneys have to sit barefoot outside the door and beg for money to buy an Indulgence as a forgiveness for their sin of being born.
12) Please, help me. No really, please help me. They made me do this post. I didn’t want to. Why on earth did I have to write this? I don’t know why I did this. I don’t know where they put the key. I can’t get out of here. I threw out all the phone books so they couldn’t keep using them. And more just appeared the next day. Where the HELL do you even get a phone book nowadays!