almost anyone can be bought

My interest in golf is lower than Boris’ alcohol tolerance level.  Did you get it?  I did a thing there from yesterday’s post.  Boris did not get the hook.  Shocking.

I’ve played golf exactly once, because the best boss I ever had asked me to.  So I did.  I hated it and I was terrible.  I love sports,  but I don’t get golf.  It’s a sport, I guess, but so cock fighting.  And I’m not into that either.

I only know anything about golf when it happens to be on the screen in a bar (and I wish any other sport was on the screen), or from my coworkers who love it and talk about it all the time.

So here’s the earth shattering golf deal as of today:

1) The Saudis are creating their own golf league called LIV Golf.  For the record, LIV Golf sounds like a sex toy.

2) The Saudis are doing this because their Dictator & Overlord in MBS is trying to soften Saudi Arabia’s image and court foreign investment.

3) In order to make LIV worthwhile (at least outside the bedroom), the Saudis are poaching the PGA’s best talent via millions and millions and millions of dollars.

4) This is considered bad because:

a) MBS is a murderer and war criminal + dictator

b) Apparently the PGA bans you if you go play for LIV, I guess, for some reason

Almost anybody can be bought, and shamelessly bought too!  Just ask any Hollywood actor what they think about China.

Here’s Greg Norman’s take on murder: “We’ve all made mistakes and you just want to learn from those mistakes and how you can correct them going forward.”  I guess Greg would be totally cool if someone murdered and dismembered one of his children.  Just as long as the killer was willing to learn from his mistake.

Here’s Phil Mickelson’s take on murder: “They’re scary motherfuckers to get involved with. We know they killed Khashoggi and have a horrible record on human rights. They execute people over there for being gay. Knowing all of this, why would I even consider it? Because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reshape how the PGA Tour operates.”  I guess Phil would be totally cool if MBS murdered and dismembered his Wife, just provided MBS still allowed Phil to change the way golf operates.

Of course, Greg and Phil are not pro-murder (I think) but are essentially (in the most cringe worthy of PR talking points of all time) just spouting whatever they think people want to hear while they’re on the way to the bank.  It’s about coin.  They don’t care about anything else.

To be clear, Phil and Greg are golf legends.  It’d be like if Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers banned themselves from the NFL to play in a Saudi football league called KY Balls.  The golf world is in hysterics.

Anybody can be bought.  Hell I probably could be too.  Let’s say some shitfaced dictator showed up and offered me $100M, I don’t know, how about Cambodia’s fucking Hun Sen.  Say this piece of shit came to me and said, “Write me eight blog posts and I’ll give you $100M.”  Would I REALLY turn this guy down?  I’d probably be like:

1) Hun Sen is a dictator and an asshole

2) But I can’t save Cambodia all on my own, the great wheel does turn, doesn’t it?

3) $100M is a lot of money, I’d be set for life, and I could use a lot of that money to help my local community

4) Eight blog posts is not a lot of work

5) Fuck it, hold my nose let’s fucking do it

I hope I wouldn’t.  I mean I REALLY, really hope I’d decline.  But I might just do it, who knows.  Almost anyone can be bought.  It makes me sad for our lovely human race.

TAP’s militant Super Bowl predictions

– Aaron Donald and Von Miller will run wild as supermen as they utterly demolish a Bengals offensive line that’s thinner than the transparent candy plastic foolishly passed around this Monday

– Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth provide what sadly could be their last broadcast together as one of the only tag teams that doesn’t include a network tool hack or an insane manic tape bot man

– The NFL will put in so much pro military jingoistic glam that it’ll make a North Korea parade look like a C grade kindergarten graduation production

– The NFL (and the Rams) will try very, very, very desparately to once again convince Los Angeles (and everyone else) that Los Angeles actually cares about the NFL (which the city does not)

– Per the above, expect there to be more hardcore Bengals fans than Rams in the stadium forcing Keg Stand Stafford to go silent count, which should be fine as he’s done it for weeks now

– Roger Goodell and Stan Kroenke on camera lick their cigars with $10,000 bills, punch an orphan urchin in the face, and stare directly at the camera while mouthing four letter words, and gets away with it; then they start to make out with each other

– Sean McVay runs a lot around the sidelines in his best impersonation of an LA meth addict

– Zac Taylor continues his impersonation of a 12 year old Ivy league school candidate good lil boy

– OBJ continues his mature turn around whereas somehow this man actually now appears quite sane all the time

– Kupp and Chase achieve godhood, become co-emperors of all humanity after game regardless of outcome

– Joe Burrow will lose (see prediction #1), but it will not impede his future ability to win between like 2-4 Super Bowls in the future

– Since the Rams don’t have another draft pick until 2029, this will be their last Super Bowl for a long, long, long time, LA will not notice (see prediction #4)

– Hopefully a good time will be had by all

it’s time for a return to bloodsports

This morning on the train a woman was absolutely out of her mind.  Likely under the influence of some mild expanding substances she was shouting nonsensical things to the train car in general.  Since the local train police are essentially nonexistent, this is not an uncommon occurrence.  Everyone ignored her.  However, what was uncommon was as she got off the train she got into another lady’s face and started yelling at a complete stranger, essentially threatening her life for no reason.

This other lady then proceeded to let the crazy lady have it, and basically shouted her down asking her in very kind, appropriate language fit for a kindergarten what her problem was and to get away from her.  Much to my surprise, this entire interaction greatly pleased the entire train car’s passengers.  It seemed to make them happy to see this altercation, made their commute more exciting.  Other complete strangers were talking about it with each other.

Why?  Well, morning commutes are boring as shit.  Plus, this crazy lady had been shouting for 20 minutes and so folks were probably pleased to see somebody hand her her ass.  But, I have a twisted mind and so my other thoughts were that folks were just happy to see some kind of non-violent altercation as pure entertainment.  It brought people together, complete strangers.

This is straight caveman shit.  This is the ape part of our brains that loves to see a good scrum.  Think evolution has solved us of this?  Wrong.  At times it seems the entire purpose of social media is to give people an outlet to express their rage at [insert anything here].  Instead of brawling with their neighbors in the market square over [insert anything here], they just output their rage on Twitter.

Not only is this unhealthy, it’s also weak.  It’s really, really easy to threaten somebody’s life over a political issue when you’re not in the same room with them.  It’s rather a different concept if you’re face to face.  Let’s take an example of this.

1) Political Cult Acolyte 1 says to Political Cult Acolyte 2 over Twitter, “Fuck you, you’re wrong, my opinion is right.  You deserve to die.  I’ll kill you and all those like you, fucker.”  A similar threat is returned.  Nothing actually happens.

2) Political Cult Acolyte 1 says the same thing to Political Cult Acolyte 2, only face to face.  Either the police are called, a fight ensues, or somebody is actually murdered.

If you ask me, (2) is more productive than (1).  (1) allows the rage to continue, let’s people live in their own narcissistic bubble, permits people to endlessly be total assholes without consequence, and in the end solves nothing.  Whereas with (2), the issue is resolved, one way or the other, immediately.

It’s time for a return to bloodsports.  The Coliseum is still standing, just slightly upgrade that venue and let’s get back to our roots.  The mandate is anytime somebody threatens somebody on the train, or on Twitter, it’s like a glove slap challenge.  If the other human doesn’t accept, they can be branded as a coward or not serious in their beliefs regarding [insert anything here].  If they accept the challenge: Coliseum.

This can be live broadcasting like the Olympics or like any number of post-apocalyptic B movie from 1987.  They don’t necessarily have to kill each other, just get the other opponent to submit.  So I’m not necessarily advocating tridents and nets.  Let them hit each other with plastic bats for all I care.  Eventually somebody will get tired of getting hit in the head and give up.  Or, we just let folks go wild and somebody can get viciously stabbed with a short sword.  Either way.

But, I guess the problem is this would instantly make these folks famous.  So folks would be picking fights on Twitter just so they could get into the Coliseum and then become #1 on Instagram.  Fuck, my idea sucks.  It solves nothing.

Hmm, how about instead of bloodsports, we adopt the ancient Mayan or Aztec custom of human sacrifice?  If two people threaten each other on the train or Twitter, they get tossed into a cenote, or have their heart ripped out on the steps of the Supreme Court?

Japan hosts sporting event, things happen

Five years later I can’t really say my overall opinion of the Olympics has changed much. This boondoggle probably made a whole bunch of Japanese construction guys super rich ala The Bad Sleep Well. Instead, they probably should have spent all the money fixing Fukushima but oh well. What’s a two week sporting event for supermen and superwomen when you can just go ahead and dump a billion gallons of radioactive water into the oceans. Silly oceans, what do they really do for humanity anyways?

What really is kind of crazy is how the IOC and the Japanese government are so hell bent on making this happen. To them the Olympics must happen. All the athletes are already there, rearing to go. Why? What makes these two weeks so special that they have to risk the health of the Japanese nation just so a bunch of creepily machine engineered humans can defeat the other creepily machine engineered humans by 0.15 seconds.

Well, the first answer is money. And the second answer is money. The third answer is politics (Japan sees cancellation as a political failure. Let’s not forget the IOC is a corrupt money pot like FIFA where dishonest men and women go work to take backhanders from politicians and corporations. Don’t think these politicians and businessmen are just gonna go ahead and let the Olympics get cancelled just because somebody’s health might be endangered.

I have this idea for an official Tokyo Olympics commercial. It’s of a random human buying a Coke with a Visa credit card and then getting into their Toyota with Bridgestone tires while wearing an Omega watch and they’re talking on their Samsung phone and so are so distracted as they exit the parking lot they run over a 78 year old Japanese woman on her way to get tested for covid. Then they quick cut to a whole line of rich dudes in suits licking their cigars with 10,000 Yen notes and the CEO of Omega looks directly into the camera and wryly states, “Stupid peasant, she should have gotten out of our way.”

Eh, why bother? I’ll probably just binge watch a BBC series on Netflix for two weeks. Or, like, read a book.

enjoy the spectacle, for one day, we shall die

it’s the Super Bowl, sort of

Coming up! On tomorrow’s special feature, an elderly narcissist duels a mostly humble upstart who might one day supplant his records. Will the upstart change football generations in one three hour block of domination? Will the narcissist use all his dark major powers and quack snake oil health products to summon the ghost of a dead unicorn to play slot receiver for him? Tune in tomorrow to find out!

I have met zero, and I mean zero people in the last few weeks who are cheering for the Bucs. Why? Simply put, everybody, and I mean everybody wants Tommy to lose. Even people I know who are apathetic to football know who’s playing and want Tommy to lose.

What did the greatest football player of all time do to deserve this? Well, part of it is undoubtedly jealousy. The guy has more money than Satan, has won the Super Bowl six times, is married to a supermodel, and probably has a whole gaggle of Oompa-Loompas at his mansion to be his manservants.

But, it’s mostly because Brady is an insufferable shit. His canned fake public statements are worthy of the most jaded public relations hack. Brady so polished and calm and fraudulent in public that his second career should be to establish his own public relations / reputation firm. He’d make billions.

His wife is a known bitch who openly insults just about any form of humanity that displeases her highness. And then greatest of all is the TB12 health line which if you, an average ordinary man tried to sell this, would do a decade in prison for medical malpractice and fraud. But Tommy is famous and rich, so he gets away with harming real, live human beings with his fake health/medical regimen and products.

Oh, and yeah, he did cheat for many years. And like Bill, he got away with it. Would he have still won six titles without cheating? Probably. But still, he cheated.

Maybe in two decades after Mahomes has one his sixth title he too will have succumbed to the human frailties of riches and power at the pinnacle level. Maybe when he’s 40, Mahomes will be despised too. At one point, Brady was just a humble sixth round draft pick who at 24 won his first Super Bowl and was adored as the underdog who made a miracle happen.

What I do know is you couldn’t ask for a better historical matchup. This will probably go down as one of the most famous Super Bowls of all time. Enjoy it!

a classy drink for the true gentlemen

You may have noticed recent television advertisements where ordinary average gentlemen, day care worker, former crash scene investigator, and jai-alai extraordinaire Conor McGregor shills for Proper 12 whiskey, aka his own whiskey company.

Just as a reminder, here is the video of McGregor sucker punching an old man square in the face in a Dublin pub for refusing to drink his “shite” whiskey.

Conor’s walking around with his bottle and handing out free shots.  Conor lays the plastic cups on the bar and the old man emphatically takes two of them and slams them back behind the rail.  Conor didn’t take this well and like all true gentlemen responded with cowardly violence.  Conor has to be physically restrained by his handlers otherwise I guess he would have kept wailing on this guy?  What a piece of shit.

So if you want to drink Proper 12 (my Guests and I aren’t sure why anybody would particularly when there are 271 better whiskeys available) in case you were tempted we propose the following.  You can drink Proper 12, but if you have to take a bare knuckled punch to the face from that old man.  You might not think this is a big deal, but:

1) Old man directly and deliberately shined on lethal martial arts champion

2) Old man takes a sucker punch directly to the skull without falling from his bar seat

3) Old man thinks so little of said sucker punch that he doesn’t even bother to rise from his stool

4) Old man did all of this while probably six pints into the black stuff clearly in front of him

Do you want to fight that old man?  We sure don’t.  Don’t drink Conor’s shite.

proper shite

spot the shite in this shot

oh, no, it’s happening again :(

Why do we do this other stuff?  Why not.  If nothing else, football gives us a chance to relax from the deeper issues we post here at TAP.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a third blog to post (one way or the other) about my opinions on the Internets outrage related to [insert anything here].

Either that, or jump over to our brother site.  Bask in the high quality website design.  Pay no attention whatsoever to the actual written content.  Either way.

ben-roethlisberger.jpg

Unrelated photo of big huggable dummy bear.

oh, no, it’s happening again :(

Why do we do this other stuff?  Why not.  If nothing else, football gives us a chance to relax from the deeper issues we post here at TAP.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a third blog to post (one way or the other) about my opinions on the latest Trump administration rumor.

Either that, or jump over to our sister site.  Bask in the high quality website design.  Pay no attention whatsoever to the actual written content.  Either way.

Alliance_of_American_Football.png

Unrelated logo of organization with name worse than the Fourth Reich, run already, by idiots.

oh, no, it’s happening again :(

Why do we do this other stuff?  Why not.  If nothing else, football gives us a chance to relax from the deeper issues we post here at TAP.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a third blog to post (one way or the other) about my opinions on the latest Israeli-Palestinian violence.

Either that, or jump over to our sister site.  Bask in the high quality website design.  Pay no attention whatsoever to the actual written content.  Either way.

Detroit Lions v New York Giant

Unrelated photograph of insane man.

oh, no, it’s happening again :(

Why do we do this other stuff?  Why not.  If nothing else, football gives us a chance to relax from the deeper issues we post here at TAP.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a third blog to post (one way or the other) about my opinions on the latest FBI firing.

Either that, or jump over to our sister site.  Bask in the high quality website design.  Pay no attention whatsoever to the actual written content.  Either way.

J.E.T.S.