Monthly Archives: November 2020

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Unforgiven – welcome to reality, and misery properly portrayed

Misery on screen is a delicate balance.  Unless the director is insane, it’s a horror movie, a horrible movie, or you happen to be making just about anything modern for HBO or Netflix.  Did you know life is a big meat grinder?  I mean, you could die, like, right now.  Your favorite doggy or kitty is one heartbeat away from Happy Pet Valhalla.  HBO and Netflix are happy to remind of this.

Oh Amazon is in on the game too.  Did you enjoy the fun, excitement, and adventure of the original Avengers or Guardians?  I mean, before superhero films became bloated and impossible to watch noise factories?  Well, don’t worry!  Amazon is here to help you feel awesome with something called The Boys where everybody is evil and human life is expended faster than Zimbabwean currency.

We’ve discussed this concept before.  And we recently rewatched another movie that properly handles misery on screen, and it’s Unforgiven, and it’s a legendary movie.

I haven’t seen the movie in a long time.  It’s way better than I remembered it.  Hell you can’t go too wrong when you get Eastwood, Freeman, Hackman, and Harris on screen.  And with Eastwood behind the camera?  Sold.  Get these four dudes in a movie where they drunkenly argue over which used couch to buy and I’d still adore it.  It totally blows that Harris is gone and that the other three don’t have too many years left.  Fuck Clooney and his toolish modern ilk.  All these modern leading men are con man actors compared to these four masters.

Eastwood goes full on reproduction of his still awesome and classic Western roles.  The tone is a perfect other side of the same coin.  And yet, because Eastwood is a master and not a Hollywood tool, the film doesn’t come across as a pathetic, politically based, beat audience over head with a message disaster.  You can truly love Dollars I and Dollars II for what they are.  And love Unforgiven for what it is.  And you truly enjoy, understand, and agree with the messages of all three movies.

Eastwood will one day be missed as a director, in a way we can’t even imagine yet.  Even Sully, the most basic of plots that has a running time of 43 minutes, is a decent watch and well worth your time.  Eastwood is still directing, he’s gonna die on set.  It’s appropriate, a heroic way for him to go.  I just hope it’s a long, long time from now.

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they did it again

If you were foolish enough to read yesterday’s humorous post, this needs no further explanation.  Here’s another news publication that thinks its readers are big dummy heads.  Courtesy of the Washington Post:

But unlike yesterday’s photo where the vial liquid was clear, the Post has decided to color their liquid blue and red.  What?  What the fuck is this?  Vaccines aren’t colored like they’re jello or a kids coloring book.

The nurse walks up to you, and he’s like, “This covid vaccine comes in two doses.  This blue doze is half chlorinated pool water.  The red doze is half komodo dragon blood.  You’ll be fine.  Only half my covid vaccine patients have expired within the first 48 hours.  Now then, roll up your sleeve, dear patient friend.”

The media is so, so angry that folks don’t wear masks, hate science, treat covid as a joke.  Well, when the media treats folks intellectually as fourth-grader-big-dummy-heads, and then creates colored childlike cartoon pictures of the vaccine?  Well, why should they be surprised if folks don’t take this shit seriously?

Man, the South Koreans, Taiwanese, Australians, Japanese, New Zealanders, and Chinese must look at the rest of the planet as a complete joke filled with goons right now.  Maybe we should let them rule the world for say, oh the next few decades or so.  Just to see if things improve a little.

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behold how dumb the media thinks you are

This covid vaccine thing, it’s pretty obscure.  Not really a topic anybody the planet is familiar with.  Nowhere near the top of their brains.  There’s no possible way you could know about this, right?

Behold this stupidity.

This was on the BBC, with the photo having been generated by Getty.  We have four vaccine vials, and a syringe, with Getty having made four white labels with a cheap label maker, “COVID-19 VACCINE”.  Because the media thinks you the reader are too dumb to realize what the picture meant if they just left the vials as clear without labels.

Strangely, if you look at this picture they also have a bit of white powder atop glass.  Has Getty gotten in on the coke game?  Hell, if I had to work for Getty I’d need to be high at work all day.  I’d rather be employed in Chairman Kim’s Palace Square Anti-Aircraft Gun Branch.

Anyways, we at TAP are here to help.  Here’s a finely detailed list of what you the reader would have thought was in those vials if your friendly media buddies hadn’t stepped in to help you think for yourself with those labels.  This is in order of priority, behold the vast wisdom on display here, bow before our superior knowledge, you know nothing, we know everything:

1) COVID-19 Vaccine

2) COVID-19 Vaccine

3) Water

4) COVID-19 Vaccine

5) Medical Serum

6) Acid

7) Magic Liquid Giving Recipient Sorcerer/Sorceress Powers

8) Nuclear Reactor Waste Water

9) Alien Semen

10) Heroin

11) Liquid Meth

12) Liquid Metal, Copyright Cyberdyne

13) Help Me

14) Vodka

15) No, Please, Really Help Me

16) Blanco Tequila

17) I Don’t Know Why I Made This List

18) Silver Nitrate

19) They Made Me Do It

20) Rubbing Alcohol

21) Avenge Me!

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do barbers have access to black magic?

My memory is awful. My brother will quote life events to me that in my brain are a complete blank slate. So remembering faces is always hard for me. It takes me a while even with coworkers.

At my barbershop, which I visit about once a month, two of the barbers already know me by face and can remember how to cut my hair. These guys see what, like hundreds or thousands of customers in a month. How do they recognize me like that?

Is it that barbers learn this skill over time, or is it that people skilled in identifying faces are naturally inclined to become barbers? Or is a little of both?

Or do barbers have access to black magic that gives them this skill? Like the Barber’s Guild has a blood debt with the Aztec demon god Itzpapalotltotec and he gives them super powers. Just like Bill Belichick, though they aren’t working for him this year.

Just thought I’d bring this barber thing up randomly. Nothing else is going on today that’s important after all. Enjoy our day!

“Why yes, have a seat, I already know how you like it. Also, you haven’t been eating well lately, I know this, you should cut back on the booze. And your Mother needs a call or two extra this week. Don’t look at me like that, just let me sharpen my razor to an ultra fine edge and we’ll get started.”

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post election musings

– Apparently the highest percentage of the population in over a century voted in this election.  Still, it’ll likely come down to what 8K people in one State say.  Because the Electoral College is like having three of the 10,432 houses within 1 mile of yours get to decide where your dog can go to the bathroom.

– I never thought the Founding Fathers were infallible, despite knowing they built the best concrete to stand a nation atop ever.  However, the Electoral College and lifetime appointments for Supreme Court are among the more glaring dummy errors.  Anybody having a lifetime appointment to any government position is antidemocratic and has never really fulfilled the original purpose of keeping justices impartial.  The Electoral College was built for the days when only like 13% of the population was even eligible to vote.

– Good luck fixing either of these two obvious problems.  Changing the Constitution in today’s political environment?  Essentially, truly, impossible.  Anybody who says otherwise is promoting a pipe dream and needs to move to Oregon (see below).  You might as well fire a handgun into the ocean hoping to, “Take revenge upon all Fish for the crimes they’ve committed against humanity for the last 5K years.”

– The rest of Earth can still kiss my ass.  Oh, the Electoral College is dumb and America should fix it?  Kiss my ass.  Let anybody try and explain to you how Proportional Representation works in Parliamentary Democracies.  You’ll need a lot of beer, and the ability to laugh and mock at will.  Trust me.

– Think what you will about Trump, but the Democrats have only themselves to thank that he even exists.  They spent the last two elections putting up a pair of total losers who’d been in politics for the last 47 years and had zero real policies to offer.  When your only selling point to the voting populace is, “At least I’m not that guy”, then don’t be surprised when you can’t hook the average voter.

– Because of the above, and because the Senate and House remain divided, even if Biden wins expect him to accomplish absolutely nothing of actual value in the next four years.  Remember, America has a politics problem that goes well beyond what folks do or do not think about Trump.  These problems aren’t going to get solved, I’m so very sorry.

– People can now get fucked up on hard drugs in Oregon now.  Good for them.  I wish this rule applied everywhere.  Unfortunately we’ll still have to let America’s streets get torn up by a century of failed drug war policy before it’s all legalized in 2084.

– The tech freaks got their wish and California (the greatest bastion of hypocritical false values on Earth) voted to let the likes of Uber, Lyft, etc continue to treat their employees as non-union indentured slave labor.  Because nothing say big tech cares about you and the human race like dropping a cool $200M+ on lobbying cash to let a Paraguayan immigrant earn $3 an hour ferrying drunken tech bros back from their post IPO launch at the Ritz.

– Do you know who won your mayoral election (if applicable)?  Or even who your mayor is?  You should, they have 741% more influence on your life than the Prez does.

– Bad news, the TAP’s national ballot initiative to “Liquidate All Humanity, Cable News Employees/Networks, Flower Greenhouses, & Strip Mall Properties to the Sub-Atomic Level” was rejected in 49 States before even getting on the ballot.  It was then defeated by a 98% to 1% to 1% margin in Rhone Island where the remaining 1% was nothing but people writing, “What the hell is this nonsense?  Who the hell wrote this crazy, stupid shit?”