Congratulations on observing the First Annual (not annual) Arcturus Project News Muster. As mentioned previously, life has somewhat collapsed for the author, so what the hell, why not this? I’ll have fun writing it. The way these posts will work is you read the bizarre text and enjoy it. If you don’t adore this style of posts you can:
a) Post a comment on this web zone informing me how much I suck
b) Never visit this blog again
c) Return to visit at a later time when you may find a post more favorable
d) Enslave humanity (because, you know, why not?)
1) TSA informs populace of latest Arcturan threat
The Arcturus Project News
The United States Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has issued its latest travel alert warning of possible danger from recent Arcturan efforts.
The agency did not mention any specific threat, capability, or fact but emphasized that passengers should remain vigilant. “We want the traveler to understand that at any moment, they could die. Air travel is dangerous,” said TSA official Steve Shiftyeyes, “You could get run over by the airport handicap buggy any day you step inside the terminal.”
This announcement comes on the heels of recent TSA warnings of potential toothpaste bombs against flights bound for the Olympics at Sochi.
The statement met with criticism from scientists who declared their concerns with the TSA’s methodology. Said Dr Stanislaw Human of the Hopkins Institute for Applied Physics, “This threat makes no sense. Even if the Arcturans could get here, why would they travel thirty-seven light years only to blow up an airplane? That’d be like flying halfway across the world just to punch a kid in the stomach at his birthday party.”
TSA administrators nevertheless emphasized the importance of being watchful at all times pointing out the number of airplanes destroyed by terrorism in the last decade. “These measures keep our skies safe,” said Shiftyeyes, “And your safety is our number one priority. Why else would we do this?”
2) Japanese renew pledge to make radiation “a friend”
The Arcturus Project News
Tokyo Electric (TEPCO) acknowledged that yet another large quantity of radioactive water was released from the decommissioned Fukushima nuclear plant. In the newest in a series of deliberate acts TEPCO announced that a value was opened at Fukushima to allow the hazardous water to “become one with the sea”.
TEPCO dismissed fervent admonitions from the World Health Organization (WHO) that such consistent acts created water safety levels twenty times in excess of the widely considered healthy limit. The valve opening is said to be part of a wider strategy by TEPCO to make radiation a consistent part of the renowned Japanese culture.
“The WHO’s concerns are valid, but entirely misplaced,” said Ryuichi Incompetentsan, a TEPCO Senior Manager, “They would imply that we don’t know what we’re doing. We Japanese perfected just-in-time assembly lines, sushi, the zoo, and once enchained Asia. We’re doing this on purpose because only by making radiation a friend can we truly hope to overcome its negative effects.”
Citizens of the nearby city of Iwaki seemed optimistic of TEPCOs acts. “They know what they’re doing,” remarked one local shopper, “We’re happy to let them take the lead on this honorable effort. I think if we just let them do what they think is best we can only hope that radiation becomes the next export.”
TEPCO promised that the next maneuver in their plan would be even stronger. Industry watchers predicted the next action could be the release of a radioactive plume or the methodical exposure of a worker to lethal doses of toxic rays.
3) An interview with Nigeria’s interim central bank governor
The Arcturus Project News
The Arcturus Project News spoke with Boseda Corruptus, recently appointed by President Goodluck Jonathan as Interim President of Nigeria’s Central Bank.
TAP: Thanks for speaking with us via telephone.
BC: My pleasure.
TAP: Why was your predecessor fired?
BC: Mr Sanusi has been suspended and not sacked.
TAP: But he was accused of “misconduct”?
BC: He’ll be back; he’s done nothing worse than the rest of us.
TAP: Ah, I see, wait what?
BC: I don’t know how much he’s taken, but whatever it is it’s a shit-ton less than me and the others.
BC: Are you still on the line?
TAP: Uh, yeah, I’m here. So, ah, … (flips pages, throws notes) so Mr Sanusi’s accusations of flagrant oil theft are substantiated?
BC: Are you living under a rock? What do you think happens to the oil money? You think Jonathan wants this talked about before the election? We need to at least pretend, so whether Sanusi’s on the take or not, he needed to go away for a while until we’re done buying votes.
TAP: Wow, so, these are all very significant statements, do you understand what you’re saying?
BC: Fuck you. What are you going to do about it? I’m shit-faced on $400 a bottle cognac right now. Everybody knows we’re thieves; we’ve stolen billions every year as long as I’ve been in government. Nothing ever changes. Nobody ever goes to jail. Why should I care what you think?
TAP: But, well, you have a responsibility to the people.
BC: I give them some, I give them some. But they know how the game is played. If a peasant from Kano and I switched places, he’d rob me too.
TAP: So is there any hope of this situation improving?
BC: Improving what? What are you talking about?
TAP: So financial responsibility, transparency, democracy, and so on?
BC: What are you? A communist? How do you think things work here? I’m all for freedom, but I have to live in the real world.
TAP: Would it surprise you that a guy on the street in Lagos might see it differently? Maybe they want a better future and to them you’re just a thug?
BC: (unintelligible profanity) Listen buddy, who are you anyways? (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)
TAP: Man, I didn’t even get to ask him whether the dismissal was legal. (off tape mutterings) What? (off tape mutterings) Well, yeah, I guess he wouldn’t have understood the question.
Come closer friend. You look like you need a hug.