My Guests and I didn’t watch the Oscars and simply don’t care. We love old movies and old Hollywood. Now everything sucks. So we don’t watch, and would rather examine different kinds of beach sand in a laboratory than learn who won.
The Oscars used to be alongside the Super Bowl as a much watch event for the whole country each year. But that was decades ago. I can’t fathom a human being who still watches this running joke. Though I’m sure plenty of decent, good people do so for their own reasons. Hey we all have our own guilty pleasures, folks! Mine’s beer, and more beer.
Anyways, we’ve come up with some belligerent guesses on how all this played out:
1) Most of the awards went to obscure arthouse projects and actors for films that almost nobody saw or will ever see
2) The ceremony dragged on for a bloated five plus hours as these self-identified very, very important people stroke their own egos with delicious hot fry oil
3) A celebrity made it a point to show and/or state how rich they are compared to YOU, the poor shit eating masses
4) Various, multiple, one-sided, unneeded, petulant, militant comments were made about the current state of American politics
5) Conversely, no mention was made about China’s current, daily crimes, because Hollywood wants China’s money and supporting evil helps with that
6) One or both Clooney’s offered a remark that made the audience desire to shoot one or both of them into the Sun via giant clown cannon
7) Bogart’s ghost appeared on stage and stated deadpan, “I hate the lot of ya. You’re not real people. I wouldn’t ever have a drink with any of ya.”
8) A woman clutched the Oscar statue, and quoted 37 Me Too platitudes, all without understanding the same statue is still held without shame by an acknowledged child girl rapist
9) George Lucas showed up, and tried to get everybody to shake his hand so it could be remembered that he is, in fact, still alive
10) Militant anti-film luddites stormed the stage wielding plastic bats and proclaimed a return to a “Heroic Book Future” before being subjected to tasers