Tag Archives: Movies

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the UNTOLD true story of how Hollywood is doomed

My Guests and I watched the UNTOLD trailer for Pressure in immaculate detail. We didn’t eat popcorn (they don’t like it) so they ate raw meat while I ate chips.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on this degenerate blog about how Hollywood is finished. Here is another example of this. Please hold on as we discuss this most UNTOLD meaningless of topics. As always, we truly want to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.

We will write this to bullet points to keep this as short as possible. Please bask in our intent to tell this UNTOLD story as best we can without 384 screenshots that would get this post copyright claimed.

If you want to go ahead and watch this UNTOLD trailer you can find it anywhere. But we advise you not to do that. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this trailer (and the movie) enrages us. We will not be seeing this in the theaters. Shocker.

The bullet points below are UNTOLD. But they are listed in chronological order. So if you are insane or otherwise mentally disturbed? Have this stupid, negligent blog post in hand so you can follow along with this 2:45 masterpiece of cinema if you want to watch it. But again, we ask that you don’t. Your individual clicks do matter. Even if on youtube this disaster has 20M views. 20M!? We’re all doomed.

– I’ve got nothing against Brendan Fraser. He’s a fine actor who is good to watch. But he’s taken (for whatever reason) some absolute garbage roles. I have not seen The Whale, because the topic is just cringe for me, but I’m sure he earned it.

– The part in Mummy where Fraser dual wields makes me happy to remember. It’s when movies were actually fun.

– TIGER was a D-Day rehearsal that got ambushed by a bunch of Nazi E-boats. If you want to know what misery until death is, think about what it meant to be crew of a Nazi E-boat. Brave dudes, no doubt, but they were slaughtered. And in the end, except for rare instances like TIGER, they were less than a rounding error to the war. But the trailer doesn’t mention that. They just say TIGER went bad. Um, …, other than the dead bodies, 99% of the people watching this trailer don’t know what you’re talking about.

– My Guests broke into a secret Nazi archive and discovered Hitler was informed that (obviously) TIGER meant the invasion was imminent. Hitler apparently told all his generals that the Soviet attack occupied 94% of his time and to fuck off. So they did. Then when the invasion happened, Hitler slept late. And none of the generals would wake him, and they’re like: Well, he did tell us to fuck off, didn’t he?

– “Based on the Untold True Story”. Uh, so, ah, I’m pretty sure D-Day is one of the most written about events in human history. But the word UNTOLD gets clickbait on youtube. Clickbait works time and time again. People just blindly click without thought. See Tok too. It’s why you youtube is pushing Shorts so much. So the trailer throws UNTOLD in there to get eyeballs for two more minutes. Hence the 20M viewed. Our culture is fucked.

– You know, the weather reports have been so wrong these last few weeks I just stop checking them. I walk out to me Ma’s porch, feel the temperature, and look at the sky. I like this, it’s soothing. It’s also 87% more accurate than the weather goon who failed basic math in the fourth grade.

– They will portray this weather forecasting as a deep dramatic major subplot for movie purposes. Ignore the drama. Ike just basically made a gut call with the information he had. Port or starboard? He made a decision. He didn’t know if he’d be right. He just knew he had to make a decision. It could have gone so, darn, horribly, wrong. It’s why he had a prewritten failure letter in his pocket. I think he did this for himself. It was an act of confidence, and also a warm blanket. If he failed, he already knew what he was going to say.

– @ 1:08 in the video they have two hurricanes side by side to portray the weather danger. Are you fucking kidding me?

    – They show Ike yelling for drama. Ike never yelled. It was not a leadership trait he used. To the point his fellow generals kinda thought he was asleep at the wheel. But, hey, whatever, movie, trash the guy’s reputational personality to make the film more intense.

    – Paratroopers being shown out the door in broad daylight. When all of them dropped at night. Maybe the shot in the movie is them doing the daylight drop for training purposes? And they just shoehorned it into the trailer for action purposes? And in the movie they show the real drop at night?

    – In the current Iran insanity, one of the news talking points was the 82nd Airborne battalions deployed would be dropped on Kharg Island. This is how little the media understands war. Go look up Kharg on a satellite map. Ain’t nobody parashooting into that concrete mess. Given the dangers of modern war, I wonder if anybody will ever do a large scale paratroop drop ever again? It’d be Looney Tunes.

    – Shots of people talking about the weather while random shots of various clouds play. That’s not on the nose at all. Movie! This trailer makes me so excited. The dramatic music and quick cuts don’t tell me this movie is a complete con job at all.

    – Andrew Scott is one of the greatest actors of our generation. He’s all over this trailer as the weather guy. What the fuck is he doing here? Maybe he needs a third boat? Is it to be in a big name movie and he gets a paycheck? Gee wiz. He gets top billing in this movie???!!! WHAT?!

    – Lots o’ battle footage. You gotta have that. I mean, honestly, how can you have a deep-seated traditional drama film about Ike making a decision without nonsensical and completely pointless violence. I have not seen Oppenheimer and never will (different conversation), but I heard they never actually show the bomb being dropped on Japan. That is how things should be.

    – Pressure is the laziest title you could ever imagine for this topic. As in, the PRESSURE of Ike’s decision, plus PRESSURE as in the weather. DO YOU GET IT!? What were they thinking? The answer is, they weren’t, undoubtably, at any point making this movie.

    fuck you

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    Vader delivers one of the most menacing lines in movie history, courtesy Jones

    James Earl Jones will always be known as Vader, perhaps first above all. Which is sad, because he did so many other things. He was never a full blown star, but an exceptional, generational actor. Even where he plays the villain in Conan, you cannot help but be captured by his presence.

    But one cannot also deny the power of his voice. Vader is played by some guy in a suit. Every word Jones does is off camera. But his voice acting makes you believe he’s everywhere. I was thinking about this earlier today. If you want to know what menace sounds like, this is it:

    “Perhaps you think you’re being treated unfairly?“

    Jones was also a noted and absolutely brilliant master of Shakespeare. Here is another example of how he owns the room. In this case, him reading poetry at the White House. I get it that many people aren’t into Shakespeare, but I’m a nut for it. This is a short clip, five minutes or so. Even if you’re not into this kind of thing, quick watch, it’s enthralling.

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    show your work; we at the TAP didn’t do our full job on last movies post

    My Guests are pissed. But now that I’m posting again at a high rate? I am reminded that a lot of posts can be stream of thought. As in, nonsense. So, I’ll try and keep this brief (and likely somewhat fail).

    We posted on the Oscar’s a few days ago. But two things. One, I should have provided some examples. Second, we did not properly give credit where credit is due.

    First, the second. The quote, “Now everything sucks” I used is from Red Letter Media, specifically, Mike. If you’re into movies? This is a channel you cannot do without. Most, if not all, of current movie channels use their previous quotes. That’s how long they’ve been doing their excellent thing. I don’t even think a lot of channels realize they’re using the same words from the RLM guys from like a decade ago. It’s endemic. I realized I was using their quote a few days ago in my post, and should have credited them, but didn’t. Bad form. So here that is.

    Second, the only reason people know the B movie Samurai Cop exists is because the RLM guys got into it years ago. Comparing this movie to Kurosawa’s’ Sanjuro is like asking anybody to step in front of a semi truck in motion and it’ll somehow all work out.

    Samurai Cop is 1980’s/1990’s Southern California straight B garbage, but fun to laugh at. Sanjuro is pure art. If you want to know what I was talking about a few days ago? This is it. Here is an example I should have shown.

    One is fun to laugh at. The other is pure art. You may disagree with me, but that’s for you to determine on your own. It’s great if you like superhero movies, or vampire movies, or Michael Bay laughing all the way to his mansion. I don’t mind either way. If you like something? Roll with it, joy is essential, especially in our stupid modern world. I guess I’m just telling you where my brain was at.

    One is what Hollywood/(wider movie world; like Japan) used to be. The other is what Hollywood is today. Maybe I was a fool decades ago for not seeing it? The end start of the path that took decades to really happen? And it all fell off a cliff. Not sure?

    Samurai Cop:

    Samurai Cop Final Fight 🗡️

    Sanjuro:

    Sanjuro 1962 Ending fight scene 4K Akira Kurosawa

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    watching the Oscar’s right now? bail

    I got my love of movies from many sources. But a ton of it was from my Grandma. She had her VHS collection. I’ve got my Blu Ray collection.

    I think on this degenerate loser blog we’ve posted about the Oscar’s probably about half a dozens times over the years.

    I can’t remember the last time I went to a movie theater. Nor the last modern movie I’ve seen at all. As one of the most accurate video creators said a few years ago: “Now everything sucks.”

    I think Sinners is supposed to win big? I’ve not seen it, or ever will. But I guess it’s a movie with vampires. Gee, nobody has ever done that before.

    Hollywood is finished. The Oscars are nothing currently more than (forgive my language) a complete circle jerk. Where they all think they are important and matter. When they don’t.

    I wish it was the other way around. If a good movie I wanted to see in the theater came out? I’d watch it opening weekend. It’s not gonna happen. Culture has moved on. It’s just that the Oscar’s and Hollywood either don’t realize it or accept it.

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    sandstorms = overrated = not fun

    So Hollywood has everyone convinced for over fifty years that sandstorms work like a tidal wave. Like a wall of sand one hundred meters high swallows everyone whole. But somehow some or most of the people in the movie live. And they look like they’re still wearing makeup, and got less sand on them than a kiddy building a beach sandcastle.

    First off, that’s not how sandstorms work. In only of the rarest of occasions are they that violent, and also, the lack of eyewitnesses cannot be ignored. If you get hit by a wall of sand that big? Everyone dies. They’ll never even find your bones. It’s like a ship sinking in the middle of nowhere ocean where the mermaids kill everyone, but nobody is alive to confirm it.

    Sandstorms don’t flow upon you like the wave of the tsunami. They settle upon you like a blanket that your worst enemy bought for you and mailed to you even though it was surrounded by malaria carrying mosquitos. Plus some rabid cute little mousses in there, for extra credit.

    In Star Wars: Attack of the Clones there is the infamous line where ordinary average gentleman, amateur bridge player, spacecraft mechanic, player of musical instruments at local orphanages, and future genocidal maniac Anakin makes his comments about sand to Padme that have been panned for decades.

    I’ve always found this odd. Because his statement made perfect sense to me. I despise the prequels (please somebody kidnap Lucas and hand him over to my Guests). But this line is not a problem for me. It speaks to those who have had to clean sand out of their entire body and anything they were wearing. And even then it doesn’t work.

    Will you die? Probably not. Is it the most annoying thing ever and makes you feel like a walking piece of sandpaper? Yes. Humans cannot live in the ocean otherwise they dehydrate, can’t swim forever, can’t breathe underwater, and are mauled by an orca who can’t believe its luck.

    But I guess to a certain degree we can survive sand, live with it, and move on. It’s really weird. If you try and live in the ocean ala The Simpsons dolphin episode, you die. If you try and live in space and aren’t protected the absolute pinnacle of human technology, you die. But we can live with sand and bleached skeleton deserts?

    Why do I say this? I guess it’s been on my mind. And it’s a prequel (pun intended <= do you get it? I did a thing there. <= DO YOU GET IT?!) to my next post. I hope. Or I’ll disappear on this degenerate blog for another year. Either way.

    when is your next shower? If you don’t know, this is merciless

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    rules are for little peasants

    I don’t know why I feel compelled to comment on the Oscars (again) when I’ve pretty much said at many points during this pointless blog’s existence that it’s all a sick joke for the benefit of spoiled rich losers.

    But I guess I’ll just point out that they really can’t help themselves. This is who they are. In the world of celebrities, a man can assault another man, and ten seconds later be honored and applauded like nothing happened.

    In any other part of our society & culture this behavior rightly results in arrest. Not in Hollywood. Rules are for little peasants. If they’re in show business, it’s perfectly okay to be a hypocrite, because everyone else in the room is just like them.

    It’s why I just don’t understand the cult of celebrity or people who watch TMZ or whatever, and follow the lives of these people like a religion. For the most part, these are not good people, they’re not moral human beings. Moral human beings, good dudes and women, don’t applaud someone who just assaulted another human being.

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    this man is an imposter

    Slammed in the middle of the NFL’s usual battery of truck commercials and false fluff where companies claim how wonderful they are by lying directly to the audience was a few ads for the new Death on the Nile film.  The is a remake of something that has already been done, and was done better.  It’s a follow up to another Murder on the Orient Express which was done back in 2017.  The Imposter is show business royalty darling Kenneth Branagh who has his tentacles in so many aspects of Hollywood you can’t keep track of it.  But is basically known for making a bunch of forgettable Shakespeare films, shitty (but lucrative) remakes and superhero trash in Thor and Cinderella, and the greatest masterpiece ever made in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit.

    The Imposter has a habit of casting himself in the leading roles while he’s the director.  Which is something that you shouldn’t ever do unless your name is legendary, of which for all his connections, The Imposter is most certainly not.  What’s even more glaring with the two Poirot remakes is The Imposter is shoving himself into an actor / director role where the character has already been played to absolute perfection by David Suchet.  It’s like some hack showing up and deciding he’s going to play Indiana Jones far, far better than Harrison Ford.  It’s patently absurd, but like a bunch (all) of people in show business he’s a narcissist for sure, so it’s okay to fail, as long as he can see his own film and smile about how awesome he thinks he looks.  I think I saw in the Nile trailer that The Imposter has Poirot holding a gun.  Which is like Indy holding a fluffy teddy bear.  Such things should not be done.

    There is only one Poirot, that’s it.  And shame on Agatha Christie’s family for taking the check that was slid across the table to let Hollywood trash the 25 years of work David Suchet & Co did with Agatha Christie’s Poirot.

    In my mind, this would play out perfectly in 1938.  Miss Lemon would go through the financial records and discover the location of The Imposter based on his bribery paperwork.  Hastings would jump into his roadster to get there as quickly as possible, without knowing even where he was going, and would collide with a bus full of nuns and children on their way to a Great War veteran’s event.  Poirot would solve the case by getting in the face of Hollywood executives (around a crowded circular room with many people listening to him) and the film would be cancelled.  And then Japp would drag The Imposter from his gilded hotel room at 3:34am in shackles to the Scotland Yard basement room known as “The Kiln”.  Where then Japp would grab the phone book and ask questions for seven hours such as “Well then, let’s see how many Fitzhugh’s live in Charing Cross?”  Followed by the screams.

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    to Office Space is a verb

    I watched four of my employees this morning struggle mightily with the photocopier like it was cavemen learning about fire. They fought the machine for a half hour before they got it to work again. This copier is brand new, and it already is failing. It’s a Xerox, who has been making copiers since 1959 and things still don’t work.

    You’d think if they’d been making the same kind of machine for over six decades they’d have figured this sort of thing out. Nope! Everybody around the planet is still struggling with the same flaws, failure, frustrations, and fury. It’s almost like they build these machines poorly on purpose. So you can pay them for maintenance or have to buy a new one all the time.

    Everybody wants to Office Space their photocopier. It will always be so. Aliens don’t even need to blow up the planet to take over. They just need to give every family on Earth their own copier. After one month of dealing with failure, we’ll be begging the aliens to become our overlords. Just as long as they destroy all copiers.

    not complying with electronic equipment environmental disposal / destruction laws is the dream of every white collar employee

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    important people, get important awards, say important things

    My Guests and I didn’t watch the Oscars and simply don’t care.  We love old movies and old Hollywood.  Now everything sucks.  So we don’t watch, and would rather examine different kinds of beach sand in a laboratory than learn who won.

    The Oscars used to be alongside the Super Bowl as a much watch event for the whole country each year.  But that was decades ago.  I can’t fathom a human being who still watches this running joke.  Though I’m sure plenty of decent, good people do so for their own reasons.  Hey we all have our own guilty pleasures, folks!  Mine’s beer, and more beer.

    Anyways, we’ve come up with some belligerent guesses on how all this played out:

    1) Most of the awards went to obscure arthouse projects and actors for films that almost nobody saw or will ever see

    2) The ceremony dragged on for a bloated five plus hours as these self-identified very, very important people stroke their own egos with delicious hot fry oil

    3) A celebrity made it a point to show and/or state how rich they are compared to YOU, the poor shit eating masses

    4) Various, multiple, one-sided, unneeded, petulant, militant comments were made about the current state of American politics

    5) Conversely, no mention was made about China’s current, daily crimes, because Hollywood wants China’s money and supporting evil helps with that

    6) One or both Clooney’s offered a remark that made the audience desire to shoot one or both of them into the Sun via giant clown cannon

    7) Bogart’s ghost appeared on stage and stated deadpan, “I hate the lot of ya.  You’re not real people.  I wouldn’t ever have a drink with any of ya.”

    8) A woman clutched the Oscar statue, and quoted 37 Me Too platitudes, all without understanding the same statue is still held without shame by an acknowledged child girl rapist

    9) George Lucas showed up, and tried to get everybody to shake his hand so it could be remembered that he is, in fact, still alive

    10) Militant anti-film luddites stormed the stage wielding plastic bats and proclaimed a return to a “Heroic Book Future” before being subjected to tasers

    Fin

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    adventure game please

    So it got put out this week that Bethesda (a Death Star in its own right which recently got swallowed by the even bigger Death Star of Microsoft) has tasked MachineGames to make a new Indiana Jones game.

    This could either go either way. If MachineGames can recreate their brilliance of the first three Wolfenstein games this will go great. Or, they could create a piece of garbage like their last game in Youngblood and mortgage any remaining relevance they have in the gaming community.

    The last Indiana Jones game of any relevance was 28 freaking years ago with Atlantis. This was a game of its time, and when you go back and look at it, even though you enjoyed it as a kid, it now appears bat shit crazy, silly, and stupid. But at least it was fun.

    Wolfenstein was a game where MachineGames could be brooding, dark, and awesome. I hope the Indiana Jones game is both good, and is an adventure game. Something lighthearted and fun, just like what made the movies special.

    The coat hanger scene from Raiders quickly comes to mind. Where the evil Nazi guy barges in on Marion and that piece of shit Belloq. Nazi goon’s got a metal bar and they both think this stooge is about to mess them up, but it turns out it’s just a coat hanger. Here’s the video:

    What a fun scene. It still makes me smirk, and I’ve seen that scene exactly 147 times.

    This is the kind of feeling I’m looking for in the Indiana Jones game. May they not screw this up. Adventure game please.