If you’re like me and try to read the BBC every day you’ll realize that at any given time, probably 1/3 of the links on their News main page is pure clickbait. I’ve always found this weird and kind of shameful for what should otherwise be a professional news organization.
But I guess every website feels compelled to use clickbait now. There’s a charity that helps cure malaria in children, and on their web page front and center is a link that says: “You’ll never guess what job can increase your happiness this much!”. Hint, it’s undertaker.
Hey speaking of death, the BBC got me. I’m so ashamed. I couldn’t help myself and dove into this clickbait headline:
Ethiopian ‘prophet’ arrested after trying to resurrect corpse
Essentially this dude had folks dig up a corpse and he tried to bring said dead body back to life:
Getayawkal Ayele had tried to revive the corpse of Belay Biftu by lying on top of him and repeatedly yelling “Belay, wake up”.
When this didn’t work (for whatever reason) the guy’s family started to beat up this false god. For his efforts, Mister Ayele got himself arrested for messing with a dead body, which is apparently a crime even if you received the family’s permission to do it.
We at TAP have a few conclusions to draw from this most consequential of today’s events. Please bear with us as we display only keen insight and brilliance. Your cooperation, as always, is truly appreciated. We truly desire to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.
1) What did the family of the deceased expect to happen? I’ve seen some pretty crazy shit in my life, but I’m pretty sure there are some things you can bet your life on. For example, unicorns don’t exist. Did the family really expect that they would be the first folks to experience something that has never, ever happened before in all of human history?
2) What did Ayele expect to happen? Either he’s insane, was intoxicated, or what? But did this guy actually expect this to work? Usually a grifter has a backup plan. When he discovered that he could, in fact, not actually resurrect the dead what was his next move? Was he just going to run away in a puff of smoke ala the Roadrunner?
3) This is an arrest record one can be proud of. If you’re going to get wrapped up by the authorities, it should be something you can be proud of. “I got taken in for drunk driving”, makes you sound like a dick and a loser. “I got taken in for trying to resurrect a corpse”, instantly makes you the most popular dude in the bar.
4) Fuck Netflix’s The Frankenstein Chronicles. So bad.
5) This will not be the last time in your lifetime you see an attempt to resurrect a corpse. Soon, they’ll be growing human hearts in a lab. And a guy or gal will have a heart attack and essentially, well, die. Then they’ll rush that corpse to the ER and instead of calling it, the doc will try and put a new heart in the person and essentially bring them back to life. The social and religious implications of this are astounding, but it’s going to happen.
6) “My mum found my first grey hair at seven.” Hmm, that sounds weird. Maybe I’ll click on that, and so [eyes glaze over], no, No, NO! [waves hands around head as if shooing away flies]
7) The title of this blog post was intentionally clickbait. Did I get you? If so, I’m not sorry.
PS, I really am sorry.