replace politicians with dolphins

It’s primary election season in my county and thus the incessant political text messages and spam phone calls have begun from lackeys trying to get out the vote for their guy/gal.  Can’t these idiots read a vote register?  I’m not even eligible to vote in primaries.

But I guess politicians are now so classless that they have no shame in being straight spam calls.  The one that happened last night I answered without looking, hung up on the lady, and then afterwards realized the phone had marked the call “Spam Risk” to begin with.  I started cracking up, even the phone company holds these fools in contempt.

Let’s replace all pathetic politicians with dolphins.  What’s that they’ll say?  Dolphins can’t talk, read, or write?  Whaaat, is everyone now a marine biologist?  97% of Congress can’t talk, read, or write at a ten year old level anyways.

Dolphins:

1) Are cute, happy, and can do tricks

2) Are incapable of being bought or becoming corrupt

3) Can’t be haughty or hold the peasants in contempt

4) Not capable of passing 3,726 page laws that only make things worse

5) Are incapable of making spam phone calls due to lack of phone ownership or thumbs

6) Can’t jump on Twitter to lie or spread hatred in pursuit of political gain

7) Will work together with other dolphins to solve problems as a group

8) Can be trained to act as a third column navy to destroy Russian Black Sea Fleet

9) Giant fish tanks on Congress floor will make CSPAN actually watchable

10) Dolphins will pass legislation through series of whines and clicks; interpretation of what these sounds mean will guide how laws are passed; interpretation will be done on an annual basis by ten randomly selected Americans who can only serve one time; Congressional efficiency will increase 1,437%

will Boris get the hook today?

Let’s face it, politicians are the kind of people who if you let them walk your dog, you deserve to be arrested for animal cruelty.  So the idea that Boris and his chums hosted a drunken bash while the rest of Britain was locked down doesn’t really surprise me.  Argentina’s president did the same thing.  So did dozens upon dozens of USA politicians.

As we’ll remind the six people + one cow + one squirrel who are regular readers of this degenerate blog, people who get into modern politics are not normal people.  They can’t possibly be so.  In this era of by the second mass hysteria where everything they say and do is picked apart, one way or the other, no normal person would subject themselves to this and/or if they did they would be changed forever and not in a good way.

This then leads to desensitization.  If 48% of the populace hates you no matter what you do, and 48% will love you regardless, then all of a sudden you feel like you can get away with just about anything.  Plus almost all modern politicians are already rich millionaires.  So you got the arrogant, entitled rich personality trait tacked onto it too.

The days where Washington was expected to furnish the presidential mansion on his own dime, or where Jefferson answered the White House door himself, or where Grant would just randomly walk around DC, alone, because he felt like it are long gone.  Politicians do not live or exist in the same world we do.  Which is why scandal haunts them, they’re generally hypocrites, and allow themselves to indulge in standards that would get us normal people put in jail.  But since they all want to stay in the club, they protect each other, politicians surely look out for their own.

This is why Boris probably won’t get the hook today.  For you see, the people judging his fate are not normal people like you or I (PS I am not normal).  His judges are politicians who are just like him.  And by their own standards, this is just another Monday.  The rules do not apply to them.  And it could be their turn during the next scandal.  So it’s best to protect their own.  Plus Boris might still have some electoral magic left in him, and political power talks.

So I say let Boris shine them on.  It doesn’t matter.  He should show up and start swigging directly from a bottle of Pimm’s.  And drunkenly slur his speech, “What?  Whaaatttrrreee you looking at?!!!”  Go for it Boris, go for the gold standard!

But who knows, maybe he does get the hook? We’ll see.

who to shout to?

For some reason we feel compelled to weigh in on topics throughout the years even though we know nothing will change.  Tis the reality of the times we live in, where government and society are kind of on hold while people shout at each other instead of listening.

By who to shout to?  Let’s take the current gun control talking points and recycle them.  To the point that Beto O’Rourke has to shout at people like a child in a public meeting, instead of, you know, listening.  Oh, Beto, let’s do some basic government analysis / math here:

– House of Representative: 220 Democrats & 208 Republicans

– Senate: 50 Republicans, 48 Democrats, 2 Independents (who are Democrats in reality) w/ tying vote going to the Vice President

– President Joe Biden

In other words, Democrats control the legislative process.  Ah, but you say, the filibuster prevents progress of any legislation in the Senate.  Okay, fair enough.  But who owns that?  Joe Machin and Kyrsten Sinema.  So, um, uh, shouldn’t every gun control advocate on the planet be shouting at those two people, instead of the NRA?  Like, really, really shouting at them?  Or barricading their homes with protestors and throwing red paint on their four figure suits?  No, they won’t.  Why?  Because it’s not about gun control, it’s about political power.  And Machin and Sinema are from swing states the Democrats can’t afford to lose.

The Republicans were similarly jammed at many times in the last two decades when they had the White House plus both chambers and couldn’t move shit for legislation either.  Both parties have their eye on the long game of power politics, not specific individual issues.  So as with most things, get used to it.  Nothing’s going to change.  We’ll see another mass shooting soon.

man shouts at the incoming tide, with equal effect

dogs and cats make boring political statements

So the White House now has a cat. Because there’s nothing else going on in the world right now that should otherwise attract the attention of our nation’s leaders. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I bet the White House staff is so bloated there must be at least three people tasked with just taking care of the pet. After all, can’t have kitty’s litter box smell getting into the state dining room.

Dogs and cats are great, for us. Not for political theater. It shows unseriousness. Modern politicians are not normal people. If they were, they wouldn’t be in politics. So the idea that they are all somehow just like us little folk is kind of amusing and insulting.

If you want pets in a position of power, let’s get insane:

– Lion: This classic fear based weapon on a chain next to the Resolute desk is a bit predictable but who cares, it’s a freaking lion

– Komodo dragon: Lost among the people’s fascination with this unique creature is just how vicious they are, they can be placed in the lap of unruly cabinet secretaries

– Sloth: Yes, sloths, are slothy, but they’re also surly assholes, they can hang from the rafters both inside and outside the White House and stare at people like they can see into their souls

– Panda: What better way to shine on America’s global competitor than to have a White House mascot that American commandos stole from the Beijing zoo

– Aquarium: A leader’s office isn’t complete without a big aquarium full of lots of fish, some of which eat the other fish, the tropes and stereotypes that could be uttered to visiting dignitaries are immeasurable

– Alligator & Crocodile: What’s the difference between these two? I’m 40 and I still have no idea, best to get both inside the building just to be safe

– Bald Eagle: Because, of course, it could sit on a perch next to the Resolute desk and Biden could feed it raw meat during his meeting with the Deputy Undersecretary of Machine Tools at Union #438

– Mosquitos: Put them in the broom closet (there’s got to be one even in the White House) and any staff member who accidentally breaks a plate has to stand in there for 15 minutes

– Alien: Actually clone the alien from Alien, and he can greet guests at the door and pose with them for selifes, American commandos will have to be on hand to put down anybody who gets the face hugger

– Grizzly Bear: Teddy Roosevelt would approve, bear can take over the South Lawn, he would forever have a higher approval rating than any White House occupant

Aww, just look at the cute kitty! He even has a ball too! Wow, our political leaders are just like us too! They love pets just like we do! Wow! There isn’t a chance in hell that they’ll ever constantly fail us all and think we’re all shit eating peasants!

Uncle Xi promises “credible, loveable and respectable” future & “bears and fluffy bunnies”

In a three hour and 34 minute huggable tirade, fueled by esoteric party speak mixed with Xi Thought, Xi Jinping, Ordinary Average Chinese Citizen, Football Lover, Journeyman Bridge Player, & Secret The Walking Dead Aficionado appeared to chart a new path in China’s diplomatic demeanor, according to various news services. Xi promised a “credible, loveable and respectable China.”

Xi’s comments perhaps herald a change in China’s diplomatic verbiage which in the past few years has increasingly focused upon a so called “Wolf Warrior” style of interaction with the world. A current example being China’s ambassador to Britain, Liu Xiaoming, calmly, and professionally admonishing critics of China’s handling of covid-19 by promising to “slit the throats of the haters in their sleep; then we steal their family heirloom silverware.”

Xi’s comments might perplex the practitioners of the Wolf Warrior style. Said another anonymous Chinese official, “Look, Wolf Warrior might be a B grade action movie for teenage boys who can’t get a hard-on (Editor’s Note: And will struggle to find a Chinese bride due to gender ratios), but so was Delta Force. In my mind Reagan was always dual wielding a pair of Uzi’s as he defeated the Soviet Union. What we’ve always prayed for is Xi dual wielding a pair of Type 82 machine pistols and tearing through Hong Kong’s financial district like Chuck Norris does in Beirut. After all, Chairman Xi never sleeps, he waits. I truly hope our beloved Chairman isn’t depriving us of this right, this blessed dream.”

Xi also vowed in his speech to make available to the world’s population more “bears and fluffy bunnies”. Zoo enthusiasts were delighted, hoping this meant that additional Chinese pandas would be made available worldwide where they are the darlings of children at any zoo and top billing for any live streaming webcam.

Pundits however contended that Xi might have meant “bears” as in everybody’s favorite lovable honey thieving scamp, Winnie the Pooh. Many wondered if Xi would make an attempt to nationalize his namesake for an internal audience. Children’s movie critics everywhere were fearful of the impacts of Disney’s upcoming 2021 film, Winnie the Pooh: The New Musical Adaptation.

“Let’s face it,” said one children’s book author, “China hasn’t really been a fan of intellectual property anyways, so they’ll take what they want, and Disney won’t complain because they essentially work for China. Hell, Disney will probably even apologize to Xi for having had to make him illegally appropriate Winnie in the first place. They’ll pay him back royalties or something.”

words do in fact matter

A common theme on this degenerate blog for the past four years has been not what Trump does, but what covering Trump has done to the media. Trump has always had a clock running, and now it expires in two weeks. But those who cover him will still be here. And Trump has driven them insane. They’ve mortgaged their credibility to get one man, one guy, who’s soon to be gone.

The last few days the word “coup” has appeared in just about every publication I read. The idea is that Trump will attempt a coup in the next two weeks to stay in office. Do these folks really understand what they’re writing? Words do in fact matter.

According to my bookcase dictionary, a coup is:

“a sudden, violent, and illegal seizure of power from a government”

Note the word: violent.

So when somebody writes coup, to me that means they think Trump is going to put the 82nd Airborne Division on the DC streets within the next two weeks and have them shoot people in the face. Really? Do they really, actually believe that? Because if they do, they’re literally bat shit crazy, insane.

Or, they’re using an explosive, irresponsible word to describe the back and forth of politics in our current toxic political climate. A political climate that isn’t going to get any better just because Biden drops his suitcase onto the White House bedroom floor.

They even got a bunch of former Defense Secretaries (most of whom are total losers) to sign a letter asking Trump not to do this “coup” thing. Do all these former Defense Secretaries think so little of the armed forces that they once led, that America’s armed forces are idiotic automatons who will do whatever Trump says without regard to their oath and honor? I guess the answer is yes. I guess?

Gee wiz, I wonder what’s going to happen to all these people when Trump’s gone and they have to live in the real world again. And not a world where they have a crayon drawing of Trump on the bathroom wall where he has devil horns they drew. I think they’ll have like a withdrawal, like they’re coming off some drug. Getting hooked on meth would have been wiser the last four years.

post election musings

– Apparently the highest percentage of the population in over a century voted in this election.  Still, it’ll likely come down to what 8K people in one State say.  Because the Electoral College is like having three of the 10,432 houses within 1 mile of yours get to decide where your dog can go to the bathroom.

– I never thought the Founding Fathers were infallible, despite knowing they built the best concrete to stand a nation atop ever.  However, the Electoral College and lifetime appointments for Supreme Court are among the more glaring dummy errors.  Anybody having a lifetime appointment to any government position is antidemocratic and has never really fulfilled the original purpose of keeping justices impartial.  The Electoral College was built for the days when only like 13% of the population was even eligible to vote.

– Good luck fixing either of these two obvious problems.  Changing the Constitution in today’s political environment?  Essentially, truly, impossible.  Anybody who says otherwise is promoting a pipe dream and needs to move to Oregon (see below).  You might as well fire a handgun into the ocean hoping to, “Take revenge upon all Fish for the crimes they’ve committed against humanity for the last 5K years.”

– The rest of Earth can still kiss my ass.  Oh, the Electoral College is dumb and America should fix it?  Kiss my ass.  Let anybody try and explain to you how Proportional Representation works in Parliamentary Democracies.  You’ll need a lot of beer, and the ability to laugh and mock at will.  Trust me.

– Think what you will about Trump, but the Democrats have only themselves to thank that he even exists.  They spent the last two elections putting up a pair of total losers who’d been in politics for the last 47 years and had zero real policies to offer.  When your only selling point to the voting populace is, “At least I’m not that guy”, then don’t be surprised when you can’t hook the average voter.

– Because of the above, and because the Senate and House remain divided, even if Biden wins expect him to accomplish absolutely nothing of actual value in the next four years.  Remember, America has a politics problem that goes well beyond what folks do or do not think about Trump.  These problems aren’t going to get solved, I’m so very sorry.

– People can now get fucked up on hard drugs in Oregon now.  Good for them.  I wish this rule applied everywhere.  Unfortunately we’ll still have to let America’s streets get torn up by a century of failed drug war policy before it’s all legalized in 2084.

– The tech freaks got their wish and California (the greatest bastion of hypocritical false values on Earth) voted to let the likes of Uber, Lyft, etc continue to treat their employees as non-union indentured slave labor.  Because nothing say big tech cares about you and the human race like dropping a cool $200M+ on lobbying cash to let a Paraguayan immigrant earn $3 an hour ferrying drunken tech bros back from their post IPO launch at the Ritz.

– Do you know who won your mayoral election (if applicable)?  Or even who your mayor is?  You should, they have 741% more influence on your life than the Prez does.

– Bad news, the TAP’s national ballot initiative to “Liquidate All Humanity, Cable News Employees/Networks, Flower Greenhouses, & Strip Mall Properties to the Sub-Atomic Level” was rejected in 49 States before even getting on the ballot.  It was then defeated by a 98% to 1% to 1% margin in Rhone Island where the remaining 1% was nothing but people writing, “What the hell is this nonsense?  Who the hell wrote this crazy, stupid shit?”

allying with the reaper

On a date a few months ago, I had a gal state to me in the first five minutes of meeting that she hoped Trump would die of covid.  That she was actively, hopefully waiting for it.  She said this while giggling and smiling, like she was describing her new kitty cat to me.  I’m sure she woke up this morning feeling a great big hug, it probably made her month.

To hear the way she said it back then, alongside the brazen, bare knuckled, hate filled way she described how she was going to help Biden win so she could become a political appointee, well, it kind of disgusted me.  I felt like I was talking to a ghoul, surely this kind of dark human soul only exists in fiction, it was so over the top.  Needless to say, I never saw her again by my choice.  But I always try and be a gentlemen about these things, and so these words did not exit my mouth on the way out the door:

a) “Love your neighbor.”

b) “By acting this way, there’s essentially no difference between you and Trump.”

c) “I don’t know how you sleep at night.”

To 83% of the media and pop culture and their followers, Trump is an evil man.  Not just a bad president, but a bad human.  And so I suppose it’s perfectly normal to a whole bunch of people to actively wish for his demise.  Kind of like how everybody would have been cool if somebody dragged a razor across Hitler’s throat in 1937.  But I just don’t agree with this kind of thought process.

1) Loving and respecting your neighbor is a hallmark of living a moral life, and generally speaking, helps you stay a good person.  Which should be a constant goal for any human being.

2) I thought the whole point of Trump being a bad guy is his actions are generally beyond the pale.  Well, to me, actively wishing for a fellow human being to die (except for Hitler, and probably Stalin, and Mao) is beyond the pale.

3) Most of the people preaching this thought process on social media, or the media, or to their friends, or to a guy they met eight seconds ago are like this because they are in fact no better than Trump.  They are in fact, just cut from the same cloth as every other hard core politico and their cultural straphangers all across society.  They act like this because generally speaking, they have no morals.  It’s not about society, or you, it’s about them and the power they want.  When all they care about is power, and they’re bereft of any kind of moral compass, allying with the reaper is a meaningless, routine gesture.

I think nearly every single family member I have wants Trump gone.  I always try and remind them to temper their expectations.  Whatever happens in November, by January America will still be ruled mostly by dirt bags who care only for themselves.  It’s just shuffling the chairs with a different type of parasite.  It’s been a complete team effort by both political parties to guide America into our current sewer.  But, no matter how much I hate those folks, I’m never allying myself with the reaper.

Vlad the Untouchable

Alexei Navalny will hopefully live.  And even more hopefully not have permanent damage to his body.  But who know what rabid poison they flushed into him.

I may not have always seen eye-to-eye with some of Navalny’s ideas, but you can’t argue the courage of a guy who’s gone face-to-face with one of the world’s most dangerous men for years.

Let’s face it, Putin is untouchable.  Vlad could stroll into a senior citizen’s bingo hall wearing a $10K custom made three piece suit, dual-wielding a pair of Yugoslavian machine pistols, shoot everybody in the room, and still get away with it.

So if you’re the doctors in Omsk, how awkward is this for you?  Do you save the guy’s life?  Of course.  Do you now have to look over your shoulder for as long as you or Vlad lives?  You bet.

On a separate note, execution methodology says a lot about how cultures work in today’s modern society.  For example:

Russia – poison in public without trial

North Korea – antiaircraft gun in public with show trial

China – needle or gunshot in secret with or without trial

Saudi Arabia – beheading in public with trial

USA – needle with trial, seconds after Supreme Court refuses to intervene

Iran – hanging in secret, with or without trail

Russian President Putin listens to his Kyrgyz counterpart Atambayev during their meeting  in St. Petersburg

“Welcome my friend, welcome, please sit.  Some tea?”

“Uh no, no Vlad, I’m good.  Ah, thanks though, bro.  Appreciate the offer.”

[Vlad smirks, knows you’re drinking the tea one way or another]

Hong Kong’s fragile democracy was daggered today

If you want to get a good idea of just how viciously evil Chairman Xi is (and with what callousness he views hundreds-of-thousands of virus deaths) you need look no further than what’s been done to Hong Kong these last few months.

To Xi and the Communist Party a global catastrophe they caused is the chance to crush any remaining freedoms in Hong Kong for good.  Effective today Beijing basically just said they can rule by decree and override Hong Kong’s neutered legislature.

That’s it folks, there’s nothing left.  The executive, the business community, and certainly the police are already apparatchiks, without elected legislators who matter it’s over.  There’s nothing stopping Beijing from criminalizing anything that displeases them.

Kindly observe how the planet does not care.  America is lead by a guy who clearly doesn’t believe in universal human rights.  Britain only wants a trade deal from China.  The EU is so dysfunctional it couldn’t change the battery on a wall clock.

A lot of folks have made the case since 1989 that China was somehow a safer global power than the Soviet Union ever was because China wasn’t actively trying to export their system of governance to the world.  I disagreed then, I disagree now.

Xi and the Communist Party have a very clear idea of how they believe the entire human race should live.  Anybody who thinks they’re going to stop at Hong Kong is a fool.  If I was Taiwanese, I’d be terrified.

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Circa 2022, they’ll do the same thing to this guy, only at 1am and inside his home