Monthly Archives: February 2022

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we do epic battle with the dentist’s office

Let’s face it, it’s not likely I’ll have to prevent the local Denny’s from being overrun by zombies or some kind of unhinged coked out dragon.  Either of these options would be great, but generally I don’t walk around town carrying firearms or a mythic sword.  Instead, I’m just a loser who has to make do with surviving an otherwise routine visit to the dentist’s office.

A visit where you, the customer, are a cog in an increasingly profit driven machine where you’re herded through the dentist experience like human cattle with brutal efficiency.  The era of the single family dentist practice is dead, replaced by (like many things in our society) a system that values / tracks profit per minute, and return to investors over anything approaching actual medicine.  And you better believe more is better, because more means they get to bill the insurance company more, and more is better, because more is more money.

– X-rays: Didn’t we just do those six months ago?  I don’t think bone changes that fast unless I get punched in the face in the interim.  Which didn’t happen.  X-rays again.  Umm, okay.

– 3D scan of teeth: It feels like they’re jamming a caulk gun down your throat.  Hey you know what an awesome 3D scan of my teeth really is?  It’s called a mirror.  I see a 3D scan of my teeth every day.

– Divine offering: They felt the need to stop the visit for 15 minutes to make an offering (via a slaughtered bird) to Vlarbungard, the Norse God of Teeth, Pine Needles, and Hand Craftsmanship Using Driftwood.  I found this to be a rather odd experience.

– Water pick thing: This damn thing sets off my gums like a fire alarm.  Maybe I have sensitive sissy gums.  But I’m so desperate to get the fuck out the place as fast as possible I don’t complain.  I just endure the pain in hopes it’ll all end soon.  There’s probably a metaphor for life or cooking or whatever in this experience somewhere.

– Dry pick: But, the suffering was entirely in vain (metaphor).  Because they still broke out the dry pick anyways and used that damn thing for quite a while.  Were the majority of the Gestapo’s master torturers dentist school wash outs?  Without any research I have determined the answer is yes.

– Floss: After all that they have to floss me, what the fuck is this?  I think they just do it to encourage people to floss more on their own.  We won’t, we just won’t, stop asking us to do it.

– Dognapping: The tech came by and showed me a photograph (what’s that?) of my dog with today’s local newspaper.  My dog was holding (somehow) a sign that said: “I have 12 minutes to live.  Don’t you love me?”  At which point I was invited to spend more money on a fluoride treatment like $50 out of pocket because insurance won’t cover it (probably because it’s a scam).  I stared at the wall and said nothing.  I know my dog, by now the kidnappers have had their necks broken.

– Polish: I remember the polishing stuff used to have fruity flavors, or mint flavor.  Now it tastes like doctor’s office scum.  I’m not really into gum, or fruity flavors, I just point this out because I’m sure the polish with mint costs the dentist office 6 cents more per procedure.  So it had to go.

– Daydreams while teeth are under assault: I’m rewatching TNG, god the new Star Trek shows suck so badly.  Picard is an android now?  I guess?  WTF?  The makers of Picard and Discovery should be imprisoned.  TNG was made in like 1991, 30 years ago.  It’s superior to 98% of television made today.

– Doctor: The techs and hygienists do all the work.  The dentist comes in for like 37 seconds and then leaves.  Dude has to do this 137 times a day.  He has no real job.  I’d be ashamed if I was him, that is until the paycheck cleared.  The dentist needs a third boat.

– History: I’m reading John Adams.  You know what really sucks?  Living in an era without actual dentists.  The Founding Fathers all had garbage teeth, and they were at the pinnacle of society.  Can’t imagine what the average farmer put up with.  I think for almost all of human existence not the last 150 years people’s teeth were a constant source of pain and suffering.

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TAP’s militant Super Bowl predictions

– Aaron Donald and Von Miller will run wild as supermen as they utterly demolish a Bengals offensive line that’s thinner than the transparent candy plastic foolishly passed around this Monday

– Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth provide what sadly could be their last broadcast together as one of the only tag teams that doesn’t include a network tool hack or an insane manic tape bot man

– The NFL will put in so much pro military jingoistic glam that it’ll make a North Korea parade look like a C grade kindergarten graduation production

– The NFL (and the Rams) will try very, very, very desparately to once again convince Los Angeles (and everyone else) that Los Angeles actually cares about the NFL (which the city does not)

– Per the above, expect there to be more hardcore Bengals fans than Rams in the stadium forcing Keg Stand Stafford to go silent count, which should be fine as he’s done it for weeks now

– Roger Goodell and Stan Kroenke on camera lick their cigars with $10,000 bills, punch an orphan urchin in the face, and stare directly at the camera while mouthing four letter words, and gets away with it; then they start to make out with each other

– Sean McVay runs a lot around the sidelines in his best impersonation of an LA meth addict

– Zac Taylor continues his impersonation of a 12 year old Ivy league school candidate good lil boy

– OBJ continues his mature turn around whereas somehow this man actually now appears quite sane all the time

– Kupp and Chase achieve godhood, become co-emperors of all humanity after game regardless of outcome

– Joe Burrow will lose (see prediction #1), but it will not impede his future ability to win between like 2-4 Super Bowls in the future

– Since the Rams don’t have another draft pick until 2029, this will be their last Super Bowl for a long, long, long time, LA will not notice (see prediction #4)

– Hopefully a good time will be had by all

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things you should never say in public

I’m mostly catatonic during my morning commute. I’m just not a morning person. I sit on the subway like a zombie. Sometimes I read a little, sometimes I doze off, but mostly I just exist. But things can peak my brain. Like the time last week this guy walked right up six inches from my face and nearly screamed in a menancing way: “Annnddd how are you doing this morning?” I said absolutely nothing and stared at him like he was a sedentary empty soup can and eventually he walked away. Not sure what was up with that.

This morning I’m walking out of the station and I overhear a guy say this little gem to his buddy:

“And then I shot him in the face with a silenced pistol!”

Oh yeah, hmm, yeah that’ll yield a double take even in my fogged morning brain. I’m sure he was just talking about Fortnite, but you still need to not say things like that in public. Or at least don’t talk loudly.

While I’m on the topic, all these Fortnite or equivalent massive multiplayer shooters are all pure garbage. They’re pay for play ponzi schemes for losers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love shooters, they’re a genre I play all the time. I have a higher video game kill count than Alexander’s partially genocidal Companion Cavalry. But if you’re going to play a shooter, skip the weak ass crap and play a real game. Play a singleplayer death machine like Doom or Wolfenstein.

I mean, just look at this cartoon nonsense:

Oh look the guy has a sword, and it seems they’re surrounded by zombies. Oh and she’s got a Warcraft style hammer. How cute. It’s like a Lego version of a shooter.

Here’s something actually worth your time from Wolfestein:

Ahhh, now that’s early morning commute stress relief.