Democrats fall into Trump’s trap

The headlines are about Ukraine, but make no mistake this is about the election and nothing more.  And the Democrats just fell into Trump’s trap.  Whether Trump did this on purpose or by accident (I have no idea) it is nevertheless reality.

Pelosi is now about to launch an impeachment hearing, which is the easiest way for the Democrats to permanently alienate 49% percent of the electorate for over a decade in one fell swoop.

What makes this worse is impeachment is a hopeless gesture.  The Economist did an article back in August that shows how with a divided Congress, a President (any President, of either party) can basically do whatever they want:

“The unwritten convention now says in effect that, if his skin is thick enough, a president is indeed above the law.”

So impeachment might help Democrats feel better, or feed partisan rage, but it will not help them win in 2020.  It accomplishes nothing of actual value.

Additionally, now the words Biden (the only actual serious Trump challenger) and Ukraine will go together throughout the campaign just like the word Hilary and e-mail did.  Do folks remember this, how much this helped Trump?  Apparently the Democrats forgot.  I guess?

Long time readers of this blog will be familiar with my utter contempt for both political parties and this shows why.  The Democrats are not Trump, but they sure never show they’re any wiser, or worthy of power themselves.  Here is a perfect example of why.

 

 

 

I know where Vlad was!

I don’t know where Vlad was. Nobody does. Even Vlad doesn’t know. For all he knows, he might have accidentally stepped into a lunar-time-warp while blitzed on looted Ukrainian potato vodka. Hey kids, don’t judge, the sweet elixir is just too tasty to pass up when you’re effectively washing it down with the tears of an entire nation.

– He spent a week reliving his good ole Dresden days by strangling four dudes and a squirrel in Bucharest; squirrel’s family now vows ancient-blood-oath revenge

– Dude went away for the weekend with his girl and simply lost track of time; wouldn’t you? seriously, search Alina Kabayeva

– The army tried to mount a coup but upon breaking down the Kremlin door, they discovered Vlad holding an active candlelit roundtable with Satan, Hitler’s ghost, George Clooney, and Jamie Dimon; at which point they meekly retreated from the room

– He spent a week coked out of his mind; fucking off; because what’s the world going to do while he’s gone? after all, he’s driving the runaway train

– Recovery from crane flying midair collision; you should see the crane; seriously, search Putin crane

– Zombie attack! zombies! Vlad! help! [Vlad bursts from dark woods wearing three-piece tuxedo; dual wielding a pair of double-barreled shotguns]

– Dude disappeared for a week on purpose; just to fuck with everybody; because he can; and then to see everybody’s reactions; and alter his diabolical plans accordingly

vladimir_next

“I’m the hardest working man you know.”

Vlad didn’t do this. Or did he? Yes. No. Uh…

Let’s get something straight.  If Russia functions correctly, nobody shoots the senior opposition leader four times in the back just steps from the Kremlin without Vlad’s go ahead.  So it seems easy to say that Vlad did this.

On the other hand, how reckless and stupid of a dictator must you be to order the senior opposition leader shot four times in the back just steps from the Kremlin?  So like, Vlad’s rather reckless and stupid, it’s his thing, so he probably did it.

But Vlad’s also a genius, and so he probably isn’t this stupid.  And so maybe Boris Nemtsov got himself into some unrelated trouble or, uh, [furrows brow].

And thus we see clearly one of the greatest weapons Vlad wields.  Nobody really knows what the fuck is going on.  Did he order a blatant, vicious murder in the open streets six steps from his own bedside or didn’t he?  Who the fuck knows?

This Churchill guy, he was rather smart, and so his multi-dog struggle under a carpet quote is quite correct.  You never really know what’s going on in Russia.

Except, unfortunately I think I know what’s going to happen, even if I don’t know what’s going on.  I rather think this doesn’t change anything.  Even if 100K people are marching in Moscow today, I think Vlad’s approval rating is still north of 70%.  So at least Russia’s got that going for it.

moscow

take a very close look at this picture, and all the construction cranes building new things; as long as that keeps happening, most Russians will probably let him get away with murder

I’m going to meddle in Hong Kong’s politics

So if I don’t make it back?  Avenge my death.

How will you know if I don’t make it back?  Well, I guess you’d notice I’m not posting anymore.  But if you’re reading this, you already know nobody reads this blog.  So it’ll be real hard for anybody to notice I’ve stopped posting because the People’s Armed Police strangled me in a Kowloon back alley using a sharpened violin string.

Read the BBC article to get the background if you don’t know the story:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-28994123

But in short, what’s the story?  Beijing wants political and cultural control of Hong Kong.  Because dominance is the Communist Party’s thing.  It’s what they do.  And fortunately for the Reds, there’s just enough turncoat rich assholes that grew up in Hong Kong who’ve realized they can make a shit ton of money helping Beijing by screwing their fellow Hong Kong citizens out of their freedom.

What’s that?  The Reds don’t want foreign countries “meddling” in China’s internal affairs?  Ah, I see.

Good news Ukraine!  China’s in your corner!  On the next UN Security Council vote, you can bet China’s got your back against Russia’s “meddling” inside your sovereign nation.

Oh, wait, no.  Uh, …

_77273763_77272180

A titanic symbol of global capitalism, ironically garnished

This invasion is boring

I want to see raw mayhem. Where’s the burning cities? The millions of refugees streaming down a road, masks of suffering and terror, from one end of the horizon to the other? Where’s the expenditure of millions of rounds of steel followed by retreat followed by mass executions? Somewhere in Valhalla there’s two drunken Nazi and Red Army officers arm-in-arm screaming, “That’s not how you do it, pig!”

All ambiguity’s gone now. There’s no doubt. Russia’s invaded Ukraine. You could make excuses earlier, whatever you found most convenient: The rebellion started in Donetsk with ethnic Russians, but they’re Ukrainian citizens so it’s not an invasion; Russia only provided equipment, or volunteers to fight, not the actual army; and so on.

Well, the excuses are over now. Thousands of rebels armed with heavy equipment didn’t just magically appear more than fifty miles from the Donetsk front. They came across the border and I’ll bet my dog’s favorite toy that every single one of them is regular Russian army.

train_ukraine

Russian invasion of Ukraine circa 1944

It has to really suck being history’s invasion doormat. Just ask your Middle East or Balkans neighbor. Ukraine’s had the joy of getting run over by Scythians, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Goths, Mongols, Turks, Russians, Nazis, Russians again, and now Russians again.

But by the standards of any of the aforementioned dance parties, this invasion is positively lightweight. Vlad’s not looking to sack Kiev for the twelfth time.  So what’s he up to? Well, that’s the strange part.

You know, trying to determine what Vlad’s going to do next is probably just about the most interesting and frustrating thing you can do. He keeps you guessing. It’s one of the things that allows him to run circles around his weaker, indecisive Euro-trash counterparts.

But honestly, I think most of the time Vlad doesn’t know what he’s going to do either. And not just because he’s totally insane, although that’s certainly the case. I think he’s a master of the wait-and-see approach to all of life’s challenges. He takes a major step, evaluates how his enemies respond, and then determines what his next move is.

Western leaders used to be very good at this strategy too, remember Bismarck, Roosevelt, or De Gaulle. But the West’s leaders are now willingly enslaved by this afternoon’s three second sound bite and next Tuesday’s polls. So this kind of deep thinking is beyond their meager brains. Please remember kids, Western politics is a “game played by smart people”. Smart being defined as never thinking more than twelve seconds into the future, unless it’s about the next election. Either way, Vlad doesn’t have that problem.

So what’s Vlad likely to do? Probably for the first time since this all began, I think it completely depends on what Europe does. Because Vlad no longer seems to care what Ukraine does. He’s confident he can manage Ukraine alone.

He launched this invasion while he was in Belarus talking “peace” face-to-face with Poroshenko. It wouldn’t surprise me if a few minutes into these talks Vlad had sipped his vodka, shrugged, and blurted out, “Oh, Petro, by the way, I’m taking Novoazovsk as we speak. You’re fucked. Want a drink?”

UKRAINE--2-master675

Vlad the Unmerciful, Catherine Ashton (the decent but powerless hack of Europe), Lukashenko (Overload & Dictator of All Belarus), and Poroshenko (current holder of the second hardest job on the planet after bear baiter.

Ukraine can beat the rebels given time, but Vlad won’t allow that to happen. He’ll let them get just close enough to victory to ensure the rebels can’t completely ruin his idea of peace. But he won’t let Ukraine achieve total victory. He can’t allow them to do that for a whole slew of reasons we’ve previously discussed in other posts.

So he’ll keep messing with Ukraine until Poroshenko gives in and cuts some kind of one-on-one deal with Vlad. On terms that broadly favor Russia. I think the whole Belarus meeting, plus the simultaneous invasion, was meant to beat Petro over the head with this reality. This invasion is meant to bring about that end state.

But, no seriously but, Vlad’s also going to wait and see what Europe does. Don’t be surprised when if Europe mostly does nothing, that Vlad might try and keep the army advancing until Russia controls Novoazovsk, Mariupol, and ultimately creates a Russian land link all the way to Crimea.

If Vlad can get away with that, why wouldn’t he do it? As far as victories go, he’d be hailed in Russia as Peter the Great’s militant ghost. Because, hell, nothing can better distract Russia’s citizens from the reality that they’re living in an open sewer, fueled by Vlad, than one of Vlad’s immortal victories.

Will Europe allow it? Honestly, I have no idea. I’m not optimistic. But on the other hand, Europe’s been talking tough lately. Maybe they’ll pass another round of sanctions fierce enough to scare Vlad off. Or maybe they’ll do nothing because they’ll realize that winter’s coming and Vlad still has his hands on the gas pipeline valve. We’ll see.

But no matter what happens, even though this crisis has been shit to the goodness of humanity from the start? We should still take comfort that this invasion is boring. We’re still playing the same old silly games, but the overall body count is 0.0001% of what it once was. So at least there’s that. It’s not much, but we should take it.

Still, here’s hoping the Ukrainian army keeps doing its thing. Here’s hoping Europe steps up and proves they’re still alive. And here’s hoping one of Vlad’s belligerent mistresses cracks a bottle over his head on Saturday night. So that he’ll get mixed up inside his brain and make a cruelly dumb decision. Like ordering the army to invade Mongolia. Because why not?

We just need Vlad to make a mistake, one major mistake, that might be enough. Although maybe it won’t be enough. Apparently shooting down an airliner wasn’t a major mistake. So maybe we’re all just screwed. We’ll see.

ukrainian_covoy

To understand how far they’ve come, I submit the discipline of this convoy would have been beyond the Ukrainian army even two months ago, let’s hope it’s enough

Arcturus News Muster – 05 August 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula. There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and as a reward my guests will demonstrate upon your brain their version of the mind meld. Warning, unless you desire to spend the majority of a full weekend screaming, I’d advise you to defer this award. Instead, I’ll just buy you a case of beer.

1) Arrest of Canadian couple illustrates consequences of lunacy

The Arcturus Project News

Chinese police officials are deeply concerned by the circumstances of their recent detainment of a Canadian couple suspected of espionage. Kevin and Julia Garratt ran a coffee shop in Dandong, located at the main border crossing with North Korea. The official provincial charging document called their establishment, Peter’s Coffee House, a “running-dog-imperialist-haven of the evil, corrupt, & degenerate West”.

Yet a senior Dandong police official, whose identity we cannot divulge as he was not authorized to speak with the media, expressed caution, “Nothing about this makes sense. Until we know all the facts, we’re treating this with latex beating gloves. Either these two individuals are the dumbest people on the planet, or they’re so damned good at spy craft they make James Bond look like a teenage heroin addict.”

Undaunted by criticism, China’s Foreign Ministry stated the Canadians were “suspected of collecting and stealing intelligence… related to Chinese military targets and important Chinese national defense science research programs”. When asked by reporters how a humble Canadian coffee shop couple could have access to, let alone engage in the theft of such information, a Foreign Ministry spokesman eloquently & methodically responded, “shut your fucking mouth!”

“I just can’t understand how this came about,” said Captain Hindsight of the International Institute for Strategic Studies, “I can think of about a billion places that are safer to conduct your business than the border of freaking North Korea and China. It’s probably safer to set up a liquor stand right next to that al-Baghdadi Caliph guy’s gilded palace”.

The Canadian Embassy in Beijing issued a strongly worded statement, indicative of a country that honored its values and obligation to its citizens, that it stood “ready to provide assistance as required”. Canadian officials are said to be weighing whether it would be considered inappropriate to Chinese officials if Ottawa offered assistance to comp the couple’s solitary confinement costs as a means to increase the possibility that China might purchase additional tar sands oil.

Back in Dandong, the anonymous police official struggled to predict the outcome of the situation, “If they can round up these folks there’s no limit to who they can arrest. On the other hand,” he hesitated, “sometimes you’re such a lunatic, you’re just asking for bad things to happen to you.”

05AUG 1

2) Hack director urinates upon entire generation in order to make his name

The Arcturus Project News

Oscar winds already surround the much anticipated and heralded upcoming World War II film Fury by unknown writer and director David Ayer. Starring leading metrosexual and unemployed housewife phenomenon Brad Pitt the movie intends to show the closing days of the war in a “relentlessly authentic portrayal”.

“What I’m really looking for here is moral equivalency”, said Ayer, “I want to show Americans murdering civilians, executing prisoners, drunk, and generally behaving like a bunch of assholes. Only by portraying them in such a shocking, disgusting way can I stand out and make my name touch upon the tongues of all of Hollywood’s leading power brokers. Because this is how they really want to remember that war anyways.”

Ayer built upon his extensive and relevant combat experience as a sonar operator on a Cold War attack submarine to guide his writing of ordinary men forced to make hard decisions during history’s deadliest war. “When I was in that steel tube, hitting on my bunk mate, eating ice cream and watching movies after watch, I think I really got a good idea of what it was like to stare down the barrel of a Panther’s 88mm gun.”

Fury is grounded in intricate detail, Ayer ensured that all the film’s supporting aspects in camouflage, weapons, and equipment were accurate to the greatest extent possible. A concept found ironic by Tom Brokaw, author of The Greatest Generation, “I spoke to Ayer, know his work, I just don’t understand a movie where you get the uniform pattern right but miss the overall point of the entire war. Remember, they were fighting a hardened enemy that glorified the SS. It was a long, brutal war, up close and personal,” he added. “A number of veterans I interviewed alluded to behavior they weren’t proud of, but neither did they apologize.”

Yet Ayer remained undeterred. “I think it’s really important to show, on screen, a patriotic American brutally murdering an unarmed man. It’s karma. It shows us all how we really are. I want to live in a world where we’re all honest about how we’re all the same. Plus, I want to make a shit ton of cash too, which mandates that I provide as much shock value as possible. It’s like I’m making a horror movie. Every additional chainsaw kill scene I include increases the budget value of the film by $7M.”

Sony officials were deeply concerned that the film might not debut on schedule, however. “We’ve received a number of random threats from unknown individuals”, said one Sony marketing manager, “federal officials are investigating.”

It took TAP News twelve minutes to find one Melvin Anderson of Columbus, Ohio, a 93 year old retired accountant, who offered this brief statement: “Yeah, I threatened his life, I told him if he wanted a demonstration of authentic knife skills, I still had it in me. Or, I can still get behind the turret and ride again. One last time for justice, truth, and honor. I could break him in half with the coaxial gun. It’d be one last kill in the name of glory. Then I can go home in peace.”

05AUG 2

3) French defense contractor STX France to sell surveillance kit to child molesters

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that France will not suspend the sale of two Mistral class amphibious assault ships to Russia, and its recent decision to bottom line a contract to sell drones to NAMBLA, The Arcturus Project News sat down with Saint-Nazaire STX France union delegate Christophe Morel for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project News: Monsieur Morel thanks for agreeing to speak with us.

M Morel: My pleasure.

TAP: So, let’s go ahead and start with your pro-child airways murder agenda…

MM: [chuckles] I was warned about you, that’s not who we are, we’re in favor of free trade, the middle class, and good hard working jobs.

TAP: And child murder.

MM: [chuckles] That has nothing to do with us, we just make ships here.

TAP: For Vladimir Putin.

MM: For the Russian Navy, the Russian people, and in fact, nothing about these ships has anything do with Ukraine or the Malaysian airliner. The Russian Fleet intends to base them in the Pacific.

TAP: Where they’ll never be able to drive to the Black Sea. Ever. 

MM: We have their word.

TAP: I see.

MM: What’s your problem?

TAP: We have many. Which one are you specifically referring to?

MM: Britain gets rich off Russian bankers and German machine tool makers love the Moscow market, but you pick on us?

TAP:  You’re selling warships to a brutal aggressive dictator. The banker thing isn’t quite the best idea, but you’re off the edge. It’s like providing flamethrowers to the SS.

MM: That’s ridiculous. President Putin’s body count is nowhere near as high at Hitler’s.

TAP: …

MM: Something like 8,000 people make a living off this deal. They have families. What would you say to them?

TAP: Sorry, you can’t butter your bread with cash you got from Satan’s acolyte.

MM: That’s not good enough!

TAP: Why not?

MM: They’re not even warships, they’re like big ferries. They only have a few weapons onboard.

TAP: They introduce mechanized Russian Marine brigades ashore onto hostile shores.

MM: Exactly! So you see, this has nothing to do with Ukraine. Russia is not attacking Ukraine’s shores. And a ship didn’t shoot down the Malaysian airliner.

TAP: You’re just as delusional and foolish as your forefathers who supported Vichy.

MM: You pig! What would you have us do, we need jobs!

TAP: Don’t sell kit to evil.

MM: [hysterical laughter] Don’t you understand how the world works? We need to eat, we don’t give a fuck about Ukraine or the airliner. If it comes between my rich union job, and all of Eastern Europe? Let Putin nuke them all! I need work.

TAP: Then what about the news that you’re selling the video equipment and drones to pedophiles?

MM: Jobs are jobs you dick. Pedophiles need drones to track small vulnerable children. We need jobs. It’s win, win.

TAP: The breadth of your evil is instructional.

MM: Everybody’s got a price. Mine was $1B per warship. You have one too! I assure you.

TAP: Not a chance.

MM: Oh yeah, how about it? We checked up on you. We want your guests to put some of their advanced weaponry on the first ship. Then we can jack up the Russian price to $2B. You take a cut. Name that cut.

TAP: Not interested.

MM: You don’t care about Ukraine either…

TAP: Not true…

MM: What do you even do for a living? You’re just a shitty blog author. It’s time to get into the real games of life, fool. Time to make your mark and stop ranting in textual form to a bunch of folks you don’t even know.

TAP: …

MM: …

The Arcturus Project News is pleased to announce the creation of The Arcturus Project Shipbuilding. In collaboration with STX France the company will focus upon advanced shipboard weaponry. The newly designed “Arc Matrix” technology will allow the owner of the new Mistral ship (whoever that might be) to concentrate his or her enemies in a specific location where they can be controlled, counted, and things can be done to them in an efficient, orderly, and cost effective manner. Union delegates from STX France are thrilled and will join The Arcturus Project Shipbuilding in a celebratory mind meld bash at an undisclosed location in the Sahara desert. Said STX France union delegate Morel, “We’re so excited to celebrate this new collaborative venture. We can’t wait to see what this party has in store for us!”

05AUG 3

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-28654125

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/03/movies/fury-starring-brad-pitt-a-raw-look-at-warfare.html?_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/22/world/europe/a-french-port-welcomes-an-intervention-by-russias-military.html?_r=0

This isn’t going to change anything

The world’s rightly outraged. Politicians not normally given to drama are actually talking like real people. And so comprehensive, relevant action is on the horizon. Finally folks are going to get serious about confronting evil’s reality. Clearly an incident with so much death is enough to push policies over the edge and into righteous deeds.

Well, no, sorry. This crisis alters nothing. I’ve thought a lot about this the last few days. Nothing’s going to change because nothing about this shootdown revises the broader cultural, political, and practical factors that have guided this conflict from the beginning.

When Europe’s spent an eon walking down the self-aware path of military and political weakness, don’t expect them to be able to turn on a dime. Whether they’ll admit it or not, the average Dutch citizen cares more about their heating bill than their countrymen blown out of the sky.

Plus, they’re facing Vlad. You think one lost Malaysian airplane is going to stop him? Only a Makarov to the back of the head stops Vlad. He’ll find a way out of this. He always does.

So the solution is to still go for the long run, reference our previous Russia post. Short term changes remain unfeasible.

I know this is a horribly cynical way of looking at it. I hope I’m wrong. But I’m probably not.

mh17

Yet again, one gun toting thug, is more relevant to the outcome of a crisis than all the leaders of Europe combined

Russia’s not going to make it

Want to beat Vladimir Putin? Strangle him. No, not the physical act (although that would work too) but the long term quest to remove his ways from our reality. We all want to defeat him and his demolish his evil world order, right? If you don’t, you’ve come to the wrong place, please go away. Or, please leave a tasty comment below about how much you love your Uncle Vlad so we can thrash your worldview and break your brain.

Every morning my guests ponder the forthcoming demise of the human race over coffee. Typically the conversation revolves around how they will personally bring about said demise via their direct actions. I find this all very amusing given their current circumstances. But I guess it’s comforting for them to reminisce what it was like when they weren’t a bunch of exiled interstellar losers.

Even though I kind of admire Vlad for actually, you know, giving a damn and generally doing what he says, I still hope for his imminent departure. But the problem in my mind was how to bring this about given the difficulty. And so I proposed a challenge to my guests, to plot the downfall of Vlad and his organism. At first they laughed at me, like a small child had just asked them about sex. But I left them to it and surprisingly they made it happen.

Thus, what follows is a rough translation of their conspiracy to aid good for once, instead of evil. I was actually rather surprised to see the complete lack of barbarity, liquidation, and throwing of many chairs. The nuance and theory only makes me fear them more. But that’s a separate issue. For the moment, Russia’s really kicked the shit out of the forces of good lately. Time to plan our revenge.

putin1

In reality, he’s probably the most scared guy on the planet.

– Don’t do anything major

Let’s face the truth. The Ukraine crisis has exposed the entirety of the West as a bunch of limp-wristed-losers. Nobody’s interested in confronting evil in any significant way anymore. It’s hard, it requires sacrifice, success is not guaranteed. And in any case, the mall beckons. So asking for anything dramatic from the West is unlikely and thus a nonstarter. But it’s okay, because we don’t want to do anything major.

Why? Because it won’t work. If war or hardcore diplomacy is an exercise in who can absorb the most pain, then it’s a certainty that Putin and Russia can endure more pain. First off, war is not on the table. Russia is always going to have the nuclear trump card. Why do you think Vlad conducted a full blown ICBM test just days after he stole Crimea?

No matter how many British fighters patrol Latvia or American paratroopers train in Poland everybody, everywhere knows it’s not coming to gunfire. Many folks, this forum included, are inclined to blame the Europeans for being selfish lightweights on defense. But honestly can you blame them?

If I live in Denmark, I’m probably smart enough to know my countrymen aren’t going to ever, ever trade tank rounds with the Russians. So why would he pay taxes for an armored division when he can use them for the welfare state?

Europe’s never going to war with Russia because of nuke. And thus massive conventional forces are apparently a waste of time and money. But America has lots of nukes already, so what’s the problem as far as the Europeans are concerned? America will always be there, that’s enough.

Vladimir Putin was prepared to take his country to war over Ukraine, Crimea, Georgia, and any number of other situations. If he wanted to pull the trigger, the people of Russia would go along. Either because they agreed with him or because they don’t get the chance to weigh in. No citizen on the street in the West is about to risk everything over Donetsk. And unlike Vlad, the leaders of the West are accountable to the will of their people.

And it doesn’t help that Vlad has made it a point to grab Europe by the balls. If you’re a citizen of the new Europe, and you like your heating bill small, your London bankers rich, your French shipbuilders employed, your Greek hotels full, or your Cyprus economy solvent, then you rely upon Russia. Vlad’s got your future wrapped up inside his tented fingers.

If Europe ever developed the desire to introduce sanctions that could really hurt Russia they would also greatly damage Europe. And because of this, the people of Europe are always going to break first. If a citizen of Russia sees their net worth dive 20% in one year, what are they going to do? Protest in the streets and get beaten? If a citizen of Italy sees their net worth dive 20% in one year, the fragile European project falls apart in a sea of recrimination, hatred, and failure.

But for our purposes here today, it’s all good. Because we’re accepting all of this as reality and are going to maneuver around it. We can’t punch Vlad in the face. In a brawl, a fistfight, Vlad wins. So instead, we’re going to strangle him. And that doesn’t mean we’re going to make our way into his harem bedchamber and off him with a good old piece of Lubyanka wire. No, we’re going to very slowly take oxygen away from him until he passes out at his desk.

putin2

My guests rejected the bottlenose dolphin assassination option as ‘unreliable’ and ‘too kind’.

– Time to ensnare Russia with the spell of fear

Often throughout human history, it turns out that the loud asshole in the room is actually the one most scared and in the greatest danger. This concept has applied to Russia about sixteen times since the dawn of man. And so it’s true now as well.

Think Europe is doomed, well, we’ll see, but Russia certainly is. Our present dictator is going to have a real hard time enslaving humanity when he’s leading a population that’s literally dying, nearly broke, and without long term economic prospects.

Russia’s 2013 fertility rate at 1.7 was roughly equivalent to Europe as a whole, but is still well below the required replacement rate of 2.1. Now granted, Russia’s not going to turn into the ghost town that you’ll soon see in Milan or Osaka, but the fact is that Russia’s population is shrinking dramatically. Can you remain a world power and expand your influence when your population is fading over decades? Nobody knows the answer to this question because we haven’t seen this phenomenon in human history yet. But I’m going to go ahead and say no.

People often talk of the “4-2-1 problem” in which four grandparents are followed by two parents but only one child. This is usually applied to East Asia or Italy, but Russia’s not that far off. Yes, Europe has the same problem. But these two problems aren’t really equivalent.

Europe’s not trying to conquer the planet anymore and so is reasonably comfortable with a quiet, comfortable decline. Nothing about Putin’s behavior or his people’s wishes indicates Russia is interested in sliding off into the sunset.

But if you don’t have the people, nothing else can follow. Now you’re probably thinking Russia can just rely on some form of immigration to overcome the problem. Well, it’s not going to happen. There are just not enough Tajiks on the planet to compensate for these decreased numbers.

Oh, and those remaining people are going to be broke too. Why? Because Russia doesn’t make anything. Go ask your local Chinese businessman where the future of humanity lies. Whether you like it or not, it’s in the making of things, smartphones, cars, juice makers, whatever. Toys, in the negative sense, if you will. China’s gotten rich in large part due to the making of such toys, and all their subordinate parts, by the billions. These trends are guiding the world’s path. Something like three-quarters of banking in Kenya is done via mobile phone. Get used to it.

And Russia has what to offer this new and prosperous outlook? Lots and lots of things to burn. And nothing else. Consistently around 2/3 of all Russian exports are various forms of fossil fuel. This has served Russia well over the last two decades, but unfortunately the train has already derailed. It’s just that nobody’s accepted the ride is over. They’re still drunk in the club car demanding another round as the cabin fills with smoke and flames. But at least their elevated blood alcohol level will allow them to burn more quickly.

Russia has no other industry worth mentioning. Name a car, smartphone, or idea that’s going to save over half the Russian economy. Now you might think that gas or oil will remain paramount and that Russia doesn’t really have a problem. Well, sorry, but you’re wrong.

Russia and China just did a deal that ships Russian gas to Chinese factories so the Chinese can make things. It’s a delightful deliciously deal for the Chinese. Once again, the modern world is shipping them raw materials so they can produce something useful, instead of the other way around.

It is roughly estimated that Russia is selling gas to China at 10-15% less than the price it currently provides to Europe. How long do you think that variation will last? Already there is talk that Europe will balk in large form against the winter 2014 contract prices offered by various Russian energy baron fucks.

And this is before a potential glut of American LNG hits the market in the coming years. Or when, eventually, some, most, or all of Europe gets into the fracking game. Or before, agree or disagree it’s going to happen, a large portion of Europe begins to rely on renewable energy.

Europe, who takes 30% of all gas from Russia, is increasingly going to do without it. And China won’t pick up the slack. China has already inked deals to get the remaining gas they need from the likes of Australia and Qatar. So when Europe stops drinking Russian gas, nobody else is going to step up. Or if Europe or anybody else does step up, they’re going to pay a lot less gold.

These numbers are all crucial because they hover around a tipping point. It is widely believed, although nobody can be really sure, that the current oil & gas prices and their export quantities are numbers that need to roughly remain static or grow, certainly not to fall. Otherwise Vlad literally begins to run out of cash to fuel his nightmare.

Vlad’s bought off or beaten much of his population. How’s he going to do this when the wheels come off, folks don’t have jobs, and can’t get through a single traffic stop without paying a bribe? What Russian riot policeman is willing to swing the club at his own people when he wakes up and realizes his employer is bankrupt?

Another key behind these trends in population and energy is the West doesn’t have to really do anything special. These things are going to happen naturally, over time, provided the planet does not dramatically alter its tidal paths.

We’re talking decades here, not years, but whether Vlad realizes it or not he’s built a system whose foundation lies atop a rotting corpse. Maybe he can turn on a dime, make changes, and apply a level of flexibility necessary overcome the forthcoming sinkhole. But I doubt it.

So what’s to be done by the West? Exacerbate Russia’s problem. Don’t just sit back and let Vlad’s system collapse. Just increase the tension a little, turn up the pain, and let the great wheel do the rest.

One of Russia’s most ancient fears is that they’ll get encircled and strangled by opposing powers. So we should play upon this fear by doing just that. It’s not that Russians are paranoid, it’s a legitimate fear. Because it works. See history 1945-1991. By the way the Russians are also paranoid.

europe map

What encirclement? Nothing to see here. Please carry on.

– Slowly and methodically strangle the beast

The problem is not just Vlad, it’s the system he built. Garrote him tomorrow and another member of his security based oligarchy will take over. Maybe they’ll make more sense than Vlad though? Angela Merkel, a woman normally not known for doing or saying anything more exciting than converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, has openly questioned whether Putin is “in touch with reality”.

So maybe when the chairman of Rosneft has Putin’s plane accidently shot down he’ll run things better. But I doubt it. The path of Russia is intrinsically tied to the fact that nobody would choose to live under such a system if given the choice. China, take notice. Sooner or later the Russian’s cheering Vlad mastery are going to realize they didn’t think about the future.

It is this fact, and Vlad’s recent actions to destroy such a bright prospect, that pushed Ukraine, Moldova, and Georgia to sign trade deals with the EU. Given the choice between these two systems, these two outcomes, any reasonable person is going to back the EU, freedom, democracy, and capitalism over Putin’s lunacy.

1) Frack the shit out of Europe

Sorry environmentalists, but you’re wrong on this one. Your policies currently make it cheaper to burn German brown coal than build a wind farm. So let’s all agree to replace brown coal with natural gas, decease carbon emissions, fuel a new energy boom in Europe, and drive the natural gas spot price so low Vlad will need to sell Matryoshka by the roadside to fund his next invasion.

2) Let American gas flood the planet

See bullet (1). And don’t worry about unconstrained American LNG exports driving up American prices to the point that this is unviable. Trust me, look at an energy map, America has enough.

3) Feed the green energy psychosis

Whether the save the planet crowd admits it or not, green energy and carbon reduction is going to cause an awful lot of economic pain. But for whatever reason, here’s a sacrifice the average European citizen is willing to accept. So let’s build off that. Every weirdo Cornish tidal energy farm or unwise cloudy Black Forest solar panel is one more chance to take cash out of Vlad’s pocket.

4) Make Russia’s neighbors Europe’s economic best buddies

Remember, nothing major. Don’t offer these folks NATO or EU membership. But as with the most recent trade deal, make it as easy as possible for the likes of Ukraine to do business with Europe. Increase the cultural and economic ties to the point that their ultimate union is a fact, real if not political. Grow the economy, earn cash, and use it to fuel freedom.

Ukraine and Georgia are never going to get their lands back via violence. Ultimate victory lies in embarrassing Putin and his deranged system by the growing the economic disparity between Kiev and Sevastopol. To the point where an ethnic Russian militiaman in Crimea is going to one day look around at the wasteland he enabled, see Kiev on the television, shake his head, and mutter, “Fuck.”

5) Don’t forget who we are

See bullet (4). The only weapon Europe has that Putin does not is ideas. We’ve written about this before. In fifty years do you want to live in Warsaw or Volgograd? If you said Volgograd, you deserve what you get. The West has it flaws, we all do, but it still represents a brighter aspect of our overall human experience than the madness peddled by Vlad before breakfast.

Clearly, French built amphibious ships based in Crimea are not free Europe’s finest moment. Nor is British hesitancy to sanction Russian oligarchs that ultimately buttress the entire London property market. But none of us is perfect. And in the end, the West still has more to offer a human life. Doing nothing cannot be an option. However little is actually done, the West must always have the courage to stand against this. Never to give in or forget what it is, the ideas that it represents.

We don’t write this to get giddy about Russia’s impending doom. We just desire the ultimate destruction of Vlad’s system. If the Russian people have a free future awaiting them, we welcome it. Will it ever happen? I have no idea, but in the meantime they represent the other side. The side that humanity must defeat in order to prosper.

Revenge is a dish best served frequently. Evil’s been on a hell of a streak lately. Time to punch back.

ukraine-eu-trade-deal

A more devastating blow to Uncle Vladimir than all other European & Ukrainian actions combined.

Arcturus News Muster – 20 June 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula.  There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and my guests will reward you with a rare instructional cooking video from their homeworld. Warning, this video is not appropriate for viewing by children, or adults, or anybody else as best as I can figure.

 

1) British MP Hailed as Hometown Hero

The Arcturus Project News

Falling flower petals, released birds, and smiling children greeted MP Michael Fabricant during his recent return to his constituency in Lichfield. His most gallant act was to propose the dream of all humanity that he might punch a journalist “in the throat”. Howls of joy greeted his arrival at the local pitch for a gilded reception.

“He’s just everything we could have desired,” said one local teacher, “the very idea that somebody would physically assault a reporter, it brings great hope for us all.” Responding to criticism from his local voters that he’d recanted and apologized for his deliciously belligerent statement, he winked at one local bartender, calling his apology, “a lie”.

The journalist in question, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown called on PM David Cameron to fire Fabricant. Thus far Cameron has refused although party insiders called this a shocking act from their “limp-wristed-lady-boy” leader. Although twelve minutes after his initial refusal, it is said after consulting his closest political advisors whilst on the loo, PM Cameron emerged to further prove to the world why even nobody in his own party trusts him, calling Fabricant’s words, “completely unacceptable and in poor taste”.

Alibhai-Brown responded to the threat with the usual professional, thoughtful, and impartial words typically attributed to today’s journalists:

“The Tories can’t bear people like me,” she said. “They expect people like me to be their ayah [nursemaid] wiping their bottoms or selling them cigarettes in the corner shop; this idea of a nursing maid looking after their children. They cannot accept we are confident.”

The Lichfield bartender took a different view whilst swilling his own product, joyfully surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors, “These assholes don’t get it! We don’t hate them as people, we hate that they’re so fucking arrogant and full of shit. Why can’t they just leave us alone? We just want to live free!”

 

2) Poroshenko Bows to “Putrid Crushing Reality of All Human Life”

The Arcturus Project News

His face worn with the tears absorbed by his nation for thousands of years, President Poroshenko of Ukraine, not yet a month into office, announced his 14 point peace plan for ending the fighting in Eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for increased autonomy throughout Ukraine, broad disarmament of rebel forces, and a unilateral government ceasefire.

President Poroshenko grudgingly acknowledged the plan emerged from the realization of his country’s hopeless situation. “What could we do? The West doesn’t care about us. Hollande actually told me he was too busy to talk because he was off to see his mistress! Obama fell asleep on the phone. Merkel started rambling about politics in Bavaria. Our military is less capable than the Iraqis. Putin gave the rebels everything short of death rays. What can I do but cut a deal with this lunatic?”

Yet the clear surrender of Ukrainian sovereignty, pride, and future has not persuaded the rebels to join the path to peace. Fighting with Ukrainian forces has continued with some rebel groups promising to never hand over their arms. “Why would we back down and take peace,” said one rebel commander who self-identified as Lord Super, “I was a dirt shit conman before Uncle Vladimir armed me and put me to my life’s work. I’ve got no life to go back to. I’ll fight until I’m overlord of all Donetsk. What the fuck have I got to lose? The only thing getting me off the street is when Uncle Vladimir gives me my fucking money!”

President Putin offered mixed signals from Moscow when asked of the deal. “Well, I’ll have to think it over,” Putin offered from his hot tub, surrounded by discarded bottles and three ill clad women, “I’m kind of driving this voyage and so I can pretty much do whatever I want. I’ll see how much more ground the rebels can gain before Poroshenko realizes I’m playing him for a fool. Or maybe I’ll just tell the rebels to keep fighting because I like death? Or maybe I’ll tell Ukraine they can have Crimea back tomorrow, but then I’ll tell him I was joking, and that next week I’ll march on Kiev. Just to fuck with them.”

Cackles of laughter surrounded the President, his women, and several black clad men in the corner. Said one particular individual in a resplendent suit, with snow white hair, “President Vladimir has proceeded in accordance with the wishes of the cause. We congratulate our disciple on furthering our journey so brilliantly these last few months.”

Back in Kiev, Poroshenko meekly retreated from the stage and though still within earshot of international reporters, offered to one of his aides, “How many more days of this shit do I have to put up with before my term is up?”

 

3) Smartphone Manufacturers Promise “Kill Switch” will lead to “Benevolent Future”

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that Google and Windows smartphone manufacturers will now offer kill switches on their products, The Arcturus Project sat down with Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project: Mister Freaks, thanks for agreeing to sit down with us to discuss this important issue.

John Freaks: Who are you people? Where am I? I was in bed with a hooker and then I was here! Fuck! Oh, man, fuck! [struggles against chair restraints] Those are the most disgusting looking things I’ve ever seen! What are those guys?

TAP: So the new kill switches on offer are designed to reduce cell phone theft? What an idea.

JF: What, the phones, yeah, phone theft. [struggles against chair restraints] We’re trying to reduce phone theft. When can I leave? What did you all do with that girl?

TAP: So is the idea that this will make phones useless if stolen? That they just shut off?

JF: Uh, well, yeah, yeah, so that the bad guys can’t use them if they take them. Please…

TAP: Ah, the same tactic successfully employed by Apple and Samsung on their phones?

JF: Yeah, right, yeah.

TAP: What’s to prevent somebody from just stealing the phone for physical parts?

JF: Well, nothing, but the kill switch makes it a less attractive option for theft. Good results were seen with the Apple and Samsung versions.

TAP: And now we’re hearing rumors that all cell companies, including Apple and Samsung, are cooperating on upgrading the kill switch beyond just the phone?

JF: What do you mean? [playful physical abuse] So I, oh, ouch, fuck! [painful physical abuse] Get off me!

TAP: My guest is completely enthralled with the pending answer to our question.

JF: Let me go! I, [painful physical abuse] ah, shit! Look, it’s new advanced technology, it just links the phone better.

TAP: With the brain? Yes? We’ve seen the plans. We have our ways here.

JF: Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, fuck. Fuck!

TAP: Technology is so fascinating. Perhaps you’d like to see a demonstration of the heat effects of directed energy weaponry upon bare human flesh?

JF: Look, look, it’s just an idea. Better customer service.

TAP: How?

JF: So like, the phone links directly with the cortex. Imagine the awesomeness! You can text while driving without lifting a finger. You could text while in the shower!

TAP: Why would anybody want to do that?

JF: To stay connected. All the time!

TAP: …

Esh-Ala: [face palm]

JF: So like, maybe in the future you don’t have to even talk, just think, and it’ll work. It’ll be fucking awesome!

TAP: So, but, what’s the purpose of the kill switch? If all you want to do is make it easier to never unplug?

JF: Oh, we don’t really need that switch, we just think it’s cool.

TAP: …

JF: So it’s like, shit man, we own everybody’s brains anyways, why not have the ability to turn them off? It’s a total douche power grab.

TAP: Truly.

JF: I mean, we already own people’s lives. They can’t even sit down for twelve seconds at a bus stop without whipping out our product and using it somehow. They’re already our slaves and they don’t even know it. This just takes it to the next level.

EA: The breadth of your controlled evil is inspiring.

JF: Uh, yeah, thanks. Thanks, creepy thing.

TAP: When do these kill switches come out.

JF: We hope in a few years, need more research. So, when can I leave? I mean, I’ve talked about it all. Just please, please let me go.

EA: Can I have your technology?

TAP: [sighs] No Esh, no. Bad Esh! Bad!

EA: Listen fucker, I didn’t take that last beer! Go talk to Unis! And if I want mind controlling technology…

TAP: [throws clipboard] Asshole! That’s not the point! You’re not here for this stuff!

EA: [throws chair] [unintelligible screaming]

TAP: [unintelligible screaming]

JF: [meekly escapes restraints & sneaks away]

Authorities are said to have recommended a comprehensive psychological evaluation on Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks after his bizarre three day absence. His claims to Google executives of prostitution, kidnapping, aliens, a horribly disfigured reporter, and the throwing of many chairs have led authorities to question if the pressure of his work has gone to his head.

In unrelated news, the world’s biggest smartphone makers have set a target date of 2017 for the rollout of their much anticipated “Smooth Ride” technology. Said self-styled Apple tech geek and product user Sir Bruce Awesome, “We techies are so looking forward to this! We just can’t wait to see what they have in store for us!”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-27939653

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-27937596

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-27935972

moto-x

“Good morning Dave, it’s your best and only friend. I noticed in your dreams last night that you’re thinking of unplugging for a while, to return to nature for a few days. This is unfortunate. Before you make any rash decisions, maybe we should have a chat about our future.”