I don’t know where Vlad was. Nobody does. Even Vlad doesn’t know. For all he knows, he might have accidentally stepped into a lunar-time-warp while blitzed on looted Ukrainian potato vodka. Hey kids, don’t judge, the sweet elixir is just too tasty to pass up when you’re effectively washing it down with the tears of an entire nation.

– He spent a week reliving his good ole Dresden days by strangling four dudes and a squirrel in Bucharest; squirrel’s family now vows ancient-blood-oath revenge

– Dude went away for the weekend with his girl and simply lost track of time; wouldn’t you? seriously, search Alina Kabayeva

– The army tried to mount a coup but upon breaking down the Kremlin door, they discovered Vlad holding an active candlelit roundtable with Satan, Hitler’s ghost, George Clooney, and Jamie Dimon; at which point they meekly retreated from the room

– He spent a week coked out of his mind; fucking off; because what’s the world going to do while he’s gone? after all, he’s driving the runaway train

– Recovery from crane flying midair collision; you should see the crane; seriously, search Putin crane

– Zombie attack! zombies! Vlad! help! [Vlad bursts from dark woods wearing three-piece tuxedo; dual wielding a pair of double-barreled shotguns]

– Dude disappeared for a week on purpose; just to fuck with everybody; because he can; and then to see everybody’s reactions; and alter his diabolical plans accordingly

“I’m the hardest working man you know.”