quick boss changes are fun

I’m constantly amazed at how human organizations so easily decide to spike their own success. We do it to ourselves. It’s not like one of those science fiction episodes where the slug in the brain makes people do dumb things. In real life, the alien slugs would take a hard look at us, then set up shop in Bermuda and get wasted while we do their work for them.

My good boss has been in the job for three years. Now he’s leaving, and they’re replacing him within one week. Do you think one week is enough time for a solid turnover between bosses? Well, our executive leadership sure thinks so. Which is another mark against them for why I wouldn’t let them walk my dog for three seconds unsupervised.

The other thing is the new boss has zero experience doing this job. So we got that going for us too. It’ll be a long six months as we drag this poor bastard across the bureaucracy of our asinine cubicle hell work environment. We’re gonna have to hold this guy’s hand every step of the way.

Here are some examples:

1) Boss makes a statement, as fact, when in reality it is fiction because he hasn’t the background

2) Boss makes his escape and attends a meeting without the subject matter expert to keep him honest and unknowingly destroys project

3) Alien slug monster calls boss on phone to verify ineptness continues, when confirmed, slug hangs up phone and orders another martini

4) Boss gets angry and yells at and demeans fellow human being in frustration at inability to comprehend knowledge he does not possess

5) Boss attempts to make up for lack of experience by ingratiating himself with executive leadership, thus removing the blocking powers of prior good boss, and causing all the executive’s bad ideas to become our problem

6) Slug monster sends a false pretentious, patronizing thank you not to new boss with the name of an old friend, slug writes that new boss is the best, smartest person in the world, and needs essentially no advice to excel

7) New boss awkwardly attempts social contact at mandatory (and covid illegal) work greeting event by telling humorous (to him) stories from things he did 17 years ago

8) Boss asks question, we give answer, boss asks same question 11 days later

9) Old good boss asks us how we’re all doing when we run into him in the hallway, extremely awkward and inaccurate comments are uttered and old good boss feels bad

10) Alien slug monster wants to speed up the pace of disaster, tells us that we must give bad advice to the new boss and that if we don’t, slug monster will set off a fusion bomb underneath a city, when we discover that the bomb is in Brussels, we shrug and laugh at them

they did it again

If you were foolish enough to read yesterday’s humorous post, this needs no further explanation.  Here’s another news publication that thinks its readers are big dummy heads.  Courtesy of the Washington Post:

But unlike yesterday’s photo where the vial liquid was clear, the Post has decided to color their liquid blue and red.  What?  What the fuck is this?  Vaccines aren’t colored like they’re jello or a kids coloring book.

The nurse walks up to you, and he’s like, “This covid vaccine comes in two doses.  This blue doze is half chlorinated pool water.  The red doze is half komodo dragon blood.  You’ll be fine.  Only half my covid vaccine patients have expired within the first 48 hours.  Now then, roll up your sleeve, dear patient friend.”

The media is so, so angry that folks don’t wear masks, hate science, treat covid as a joke.  Well, when the media treats folks intellectually as fourth-grader-big-dummy-heads, and then creates colored childlike cartoon pictures of the vaccine?  Well, why should they be surprised if folks don’t take this shit seriously?

Man, the South Koreans, Taiwanese, Australians, Japanese, New Zealanders, and Chinese must look at the rest of the planet as a complete joke filled with goons right now.  Maybe we should let them rule the world for say, oh the next few decades or so.  Just to see if things improve a little.

behold how dumb the media thinks you are

This covid vaccine thing, it’s pretty obscure.  Not really a topic anybody the planet is familiar with.  Nowhere near the top of their brains.  There’s no possible way you could know about this, right?

Behold this stupidity.

This was on the BBC, with the photo having been generated by Getty.  We have four vaccine vials, and a syringe, with Getty having made four white labels with a cheap label maker, “COVID-19 VACCINE”.  Because the media thinks you the reader are too dumb to realize what the picture meant if they just left the vials as clear without labels.

Strangely, if you look at this picture they also have a bit of white powder atop glass.  Has Getty gotten in on the coke game?  Hell, if I had to work for Getty I’d need to be high at work all day.  I’d rather be employed in Chairman Kim’s Palace Square Anti-Aircraft Gun Branch.

Anyways, we at TAP are here to help.  Here’s a finely detailed list of what you the reader would have thought was in those vials if your friendly media buddies hadn’t stepped in to help you think for yourself with those labels.  This is in order of priority, behold the vast wisdom on display here, bow before our superior knowledge, you know nothing, we know everything:

1) COVID-19 Vaccine

2) COVID-19 Vaccine

3) Water

4) COVID-19 Vaccine

5) Medical Serum

6) Acid

7) Magic Liquid Giving Recipient Sorcerer/Sorceress Powers

8) Nuclear Reactor Waste Water

9) Alien Semen

10) Heroin

11) Liquid Meth

12) Liquid Metal, Copyright Cyberdyne

13) Help Me

14) Vodka

15) No, Please, Really Help Me

16) Blanco Tequila

17) I Don’t Know Why I Made This List

18) Silver Nitrate

19) They Made Me Do It

20) Rubbing Alcohol

21) Avenge Me!

retire “hump day”, or else

We’re back!  After an unexplained 477 week absence.  Did you miss us?  No?  Oh, ah, uh, hmm, we thought folks missed us.  [cricket, cricket, cricket]

So we’re back to talk about what massive important topic to the human race?  Global pandemic?  Locust swarms?  The shortage of effective keys and locks?  No!  But rather, the continual use of the term “hump day” at work.  Oh my!  The horror.

1) This joke was mildly amusing when the Geico goons put this out nine years ago.  I say mildly, as in something you’d chuckle about once and then wish to forget forever.  But folks kept saying it again and again in the camel voice.  It won’t die.  Why?  Why won’t this die?

2) Why do folks carry on and spout jokes written by a boardroom of faceless suits?  Geico is famous for this.  They’re not jokes folks.  They’re made to separate money from people.  If you want to inject humor into the workplace, please use something not written by the Giant Octopus.

3) The term Hump Day has Jumped the Shark.

4) Saying even anything remotely sexual in the workplace now gets you drawn and quartered by the Stazi.  The word “hump” is associated with sexual behavior.  We must retire its use in the workplace otherwise the office will be burned to the grown by Antifa.

5) The camel actor in the original Geico commercial was euthanized over five years ago.  His Kuwaiti owners didn’t want to pay for his anti-biotics.  I’m sorry.  I’m so very, very sorry.

6) The concept of Hump Day is that the week is half over and it can only go happily calmer or get better from there until the joy of the weekend arrives.  This theory is shit.  Everyone knows at 1pm on Friday you’ll get that fucking phone call that makes you want to quit your job that very instant.

7) Elves are responsible for your decreased workplace satisfaction.  I know this to be fact.  The sources My Guests possess are unimaginable and infallible.

8) Enjoy your day!

Dromedary skeleton

everybody’s wood shed day comes eventually

CDC turns, now Tory reactionaries

Hey I get it, fighting covid must be really hard and stressful, but how does that equate to the CDC trying to turn back the clock to 1775?  This poster was on the subway this morning, it’s asinine.  This is probably the first time since the Stamp Act that a British royal crown has existed on an official US government document.

Better watch out fellow patriots, the CDC is out to slit your throats at night in order to restore QE2 to her rightful throne.  A new castle shall be built for her, on the grounds of the Washington Monument after it’s brutally razed by CDC funded bulldozers crewed by drunken EPL hooligans.

I won’t stand for it.  I shall fight!  To start my struggle, I shall ignore the poster’s instructions that I wash my hands.  Only Tory scum wash their hands.  How could this possibility go wrong for me?!

keep-calm-wash-hands-400x400

go get some tar and feathers

Solo trashes Falcon (again)

In the third incident this year alone, dashing war hero General Han Solo crashed landed the Millennium Falcon into a bantha manure pile barn.  Witnesses say they observed a drunken Solo depart The Cantina only minutes before the increasing common aviation incident.

The episode mirrors other recent occurrences such as where Solo taxied his borrowed T-16 across an active landing pad.  Or when several years ago Solo flew the Falcon low over a transport carrying 110 civilian passengers.

In the latest event Solo was said to have been upset after he and General Leia ended their tumultuous but galaxy wide famed relationship for the fourth time in five years.  “I really don’t know why he tied one on like that,” said ace pilot and obsessive skirt chaser Wedge, “They’re just gonna get back together again in a few months.”

The Falcon is said to be down for several weeks of repairs.  But perhaps the more significant concern were the injuries sustained by famed Rebel warrior Chewbacca whose ultra long right leg suffered fractures in five places.  As a warlike race, when told he would require several surgeries and months of hoverchair time the wookie was said to have moaned, “Kill me.  Please, kill me,” repeatedly to a largely disinterested medical droid.

Critics, likely Imperial sympathizers, have suggested that were Solo anybody but General Solo he would have lost his pilot’s license years ago.  “Are you kidding me,” said Constable Red Shirt, “If I took his license the Rebel underground would have my throat slashed that very night.”

Others have wondered if a breathing device could be affixed to the Falcon’s cockpit to verify Solo was sober before powering up the engines but others are skeptical of the plan.  Said Wedge, “He’d just shoot it first.”

Harrison-Ford-696x442

with master plan failed, Perez contemplates retirement

Dejected, with his face clasped between his hands, Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez was said by close aids to be ready to retire.  “I don’t know what happened, we were so close,” said the longtime operative, “I mean, I know it was a long shot putting an eight year old boy up front, but even when he washed out I was sure Bernie could ram his way through.  I mean, Bernie’s psychotic followers probably think he has his own Moon base, their rage should have been enough.  What the hell happened,” Perez lamented as his stroked his prized MAGA hat.  Aides continued to marvel at the failure of Perez’s finely tuned master plan, so expertly crafted.  Said 23 year old intern Michelle Anderson of Soho, “Tom put up 47 candidates, half of them lunatics, the other half as bland or boring as paint that dried in 1734.  They should have cancelled each other out, destroyed one another in an orgy of enraged partisan violence.  We should have erased the field, our nominee should have been a mouth foaming zombie.  How did Joe do this to us?”

Insiders described the DNC headquarters as a “dank tomb” as the Super Tuesday results posted with Biden’s shocking rebound following a series of recent gaffe’s that made a final stage Alzheimer’s patient seem lucid.  “Tom just couldn’t take it,” said one DNC pollster, “he retreated into his office, tears in his eyes.  He just kept sobbing and clutching his MAGA hat like it was a service dog puppy.”  With voters seemingly on path to discard the 46 unelectable fodder from the field, analysts within the DNC are now said to turn their attention onto Biden’s many flaws as their next move to keep Trump great again.  “Tom has a list in his office,” said one, “of the 784 different things Joe’s done in the last three decades which in this Twitter era should make him completely unelectable.  It’s kind of creepy, it’s like something a serial killer would have on his basement wall.”

But some DNC workers are said to deeply question Perez’s methodology and were urging him to follow through on his retirement plans.  “Tom doesn’t get it, Joe’s the kind of candidate that almost anybody would be cool having a beer with.  Even if Joe started to wander off and talk about how he once broke Gandhi out of jail while dual-wielding a pair of Yugoslavian machine pistols, you’d still enjoy the drink.  I don’t know how we get Trump to win given that level of likability.”  At press time, Perez was said to be cold calling Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko demanding he come clean about Biden’s motorcycle gang days in a Minsk slum.  An irate Lukashenko was said to have repeatedly stated, his voice rising to Perez, “You dumb fucker, this is Belarus, Belarus, do you hear me?  I don’t live in Ukraine or Delaware.  Did you even bother to look at Biden’s jacket colors?”

sad tom perez

sad turtle face

sharks are misunderstood too

Humor is great, and there’s not nearly enough of it in our world anymore.  A derivation of this one was posted on the wall of a local bar I go to:

shark hug me

The “Hug Me!!!” gets me laughing.  It’s fun.  But in a search of the dreaded Internets, there are more:

102920141222109

 

Misunderstood-Shark Cage

 

th9ZR43C7Y

Wow!  Event the sharks are in on the religion game.  Just like that guy on the metro yesterday who accosted me and was trying to convert me to the ways of the Aztec demon god Itzpapalotltotec.  As if I’d ever be interested in that.

Hey speaking of being misunderstood, do you feel like nobody gets you in life?  I mean, I do, but don’t worry, Itzpapalotltotec has answers.  The blood of the bone is all you need to clean your soul and find the enlightenment of The Way.  Hug me!!!, ah, or, ah, learn from Itzpapalotltotec.  Yes, yes, um, Itzpapalotltotec has answers.  [shifty eyes]

Or, just look up more funny shark pictures online.  Either way.

Sean Bean seeks immortality

Great news! Sean Bean no longer wants to die. Said the global movie star, walking corpse, professional axe thrower, and jai-alai extraordinaire: “I’ve turned down stuff. I’ve said, “They know my character’s going to die because I’m in it!”

humor-sean-bean-movies-dead-killed3

“A ghost on Twitter.”

 

These are some of the positive changes in life, with so much else going wrong in the world, you can at least bank in the win column that in Bean’s forthcoming World War 2 role that an SS stooge isn’t going to cleave him in half with a flaming chainsaw.

18649516-7479843-Off_with_his_head_He_portrayed_Ned_Stark_on_the_hit_fantasy_dram-a-1_1568886489216.jpg

“Just another day at the office lads.  Be sure to clean up the mess.”

 

When you read this article, it’s comical how many different ways Bean gets tuned up on screen. It also kind of surprised me that Bean has died so many times because he’s played an evil villain.

I think this is because in my brain Bean is primarily Richard Sharpe. But in most of his death roles he’s been a murderer, rapist, terrorist, traitor, etc, etc.

mc-sharpes-challenge_t614

“Me, die?  Oh, oh no, mate.  This is the Sharpe Series.  I make other people die.”

 

But, we at TAP know more. We’ve also received exclusive word that not only does Bean not wish to die on set anymore, he also wishes to never die in real life.

Our contacts overheard him and his mates at The Major Pub & Grille in York. Bean was explaining his master plan at immortality. My agents even swiped the bar napkin he drew for his lads showing the infernal machine that will sustain his life until our Sun explodes.

image.jpg

Bean also specifically said he’d do it right, and not like that “shite, con game” that was The Frankenstein Chronicles. This warms my heart to hear.

We fully endorse this plan. Bean just needs the funds to make it happen. If you’d like to contribute a small amount of your vast international gold reserves to help Sean Bean achieve immortality, please kindly mail cash or gold bullion to the following address:

The Arcturus Project – Sean Bean Immortality Project

C/O Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation

1794 Aguiyi Ironsi Street

Abuja 900001, Nigeria

 

18707478-7485049-Iconic_Boromir_died_at_the_hands_of_Saruman_s_Orcs_in_The_Fellow-m-19_1568968924229

“Oh, hey there my Orc lads, just turned 1,376 today. Fancy a celebratory pint?”