There’s an awful lot of awful stuff going on the world today. War, inflation, celebrities, forthcoming food shortages, pandemic, Tom Brady, and the fact that Vlad Putin has not accidently stumbled into a functioning wood chipper.
But last night’s Blood Moon is what we should all REALLY be paying attention to. After all, seeking the auspices of such a rare occurrence is surely a sign from God / nature / gods / aliens / whatever. We must obey.
What? You want me to follow the teachings of SCIENCE? The Blood Moon has a perfectly rational scientific explanation and it’s known to all. Nonsense, I say! Humanity has only been a keeper of that sweet sweet astronomical knowledge for say three or four centuries. That leaves 4500 years of human history to be our REAL guide.
So what’s the Blood Moon telling us? We have no idea, but here are some possibilities:
1) That we, humanity, are total losers and a failure. We have no choice but to crack each other’s head’s open and feast on the goo inside. [H/T Kent]
2) You need to buy a new pair of shoes. Even if your current shoes are brand new.
3) We must all cast Tom Brady into a cenote, to please the gods.
4) Vlad Putin did not have cancer, but possibility the Blood Moon gave him cancer last night. These are positive changes.
5) The Blood Moon commands us to tame inflation, with fire, as in, arson. We should totally get started tonight.
6) We must appease the Blood Moon’s anger, please snare your local squirrel, rabbit, or HOA President and sacrificially open their body to determine the color of the liver.
7) In addition to baby formula, the Blood Moon states we will all soon run out of paper clips. The absence of which, will significantly increase the overall risk of nuclear war.
8) Quit your job, immediately. Don’t think, just do it.
9) Hug a total stranger on the street and tell them it’s all going to be okay. Be prepared to run fast if they object to said hug to avoid arrest.
10) The Blood Moon is actually a Batman-like signaling device to a genocidal alien race. The signal instructs them to come here and do us in, to put us out of our own misery. As per usual, the aliens will be too bored, drunk, and/or believe us not worth the trouble and they’ll do nothing.
Yes, Lord Blood Moon, we will obey. Yes! Ohhh yeeesss!