In what has been called a once in a generation event, today’s solar eclipse has covered Greenland, Iceland, and parts of Western Europe. This rare occurrence is considered perhaps a once in a lifetime opportunity for those who do not possess their own autogyro.

Said Ian Kinkaid, from Cornwall, UK, “I just thought it was cool, I’ll never see another one again because I’m 9,384 on the NHS waiting list for my kidney transplant. So, I had fun watching.”

Icelandic citizen Einar Guðmundsson was also pleased with the day. “All I hear about is how Trump is going to use the American Marines to take our island and shoot my dog in the head. I don’t believe this, but it was a good release to see nature in its most brilliant form and just relax.”

Unfortunately, scientific experts were said to be in a scramble mode to deflate rumors about the event. “We had a guy come in here and say the eclipse meant the next year’s harvest was doomed,” said Doctor Kenneth Winslow of Cambridge. “He also kept talking about how he was from 395BC. Also, he was wearing Cockney street clothes. It was really kind of upsetting and weird. We had the constabulary take him away. They laughed about how they were going to take him to ‘The Kiln’ and (I think) actually beat the shit out of him. Wow.”

At press time, this TAP reporter stopped writing this post as he’d been informed that Doctor Winslow had burst into flames while having a midnight snack. More details will be provided when we have them.

Yes. Yes! Please eclipse god spare us. We atone for our sings against you! Please don’t make us eat our own goo!