Obama adds third unplanned stop to African itinerary

The Washington press pool struggled to rearrange schedules as the Obama administration announced without notice that the President will now also visit Libya’s famed Kaf Ajnoun or Mountain of Ghosts. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained the move as, “An appropriate means to wrap up our trip in keeping with the President’s theme of meeting with horrible human beings.”

The concluding visit to one of Satan’s known earthly dwellings will follow Obama’s forthcoming sit downs with famed war criminal Uhuru Kenyatta in Kenya and Hailemariam “The Street Sweeper” Desalegn in Ethiopia. In Addis Ababa, Obama is also scheduled to address the African Union.

Although the AU is said to be interested in rescheduling the speech’s start time due to an imminent AU vote to unanimously ratify the title of “Imperial Majesty for Life” to Burundi’s Pierre Nkurunziza, a move supported by America’s State Department. The AU is also set to reconfirm its annual stipend to Omar al-Bashir’s private aircraft corporation Speedy provided its “no notice use for all” clause remains intact.

While at Kaf Ajnoun, Obama will spend time at such key sites as The Road to Hell and The Devil’s Hill. Said Earnest, “Since he came to Washington, the President has learned the diplomatic dark arts like the best of them. He figures it’s time he paid his due respect to those who have enabled the ghoulish powers he now possesses. In fact, I’m told the State Department Bureau of African Affairs insisted on this stopover.”

Earnest also mentioned several other critical American goals during the trip including talks to get more of Angola’s oil than China, additional tank, tear gas, & piano wire sales to Egypt, and the forthcoming pool renovation contract by Halliburton of a mysteriously unknown but supposedly important villa in South Africa.

When asked by reporters if Obama worried about potential human rights protestors during his speech in Addis Ababa, Earnest wryly chuckled, “You ah, you don’t really understand how things work here, do you?”


Arcturus News Muster – 23 July 2015

I want to live in a world where this love story is a rounding error

Every once and a while you need a break. Right now we’re doing an awfully decent job of detonating the human race. So let’s take some time off and enjoy a good love story. Because sometimes you need to not think about skeletons. And instead consider the joys of two present non-skeletons embracing in love.

Don’t get it from me, idiocy is an understatement here, get it straight from the source:


Now given the sunken trench wreckage that is my first marriage, I’d say your best bet is to not listen to a word I’m about to say. Yet even though it’s coming from my mouth, you cannot deny these folks are running a relationship across race, ethnic, class boundaries. But I suspect they rather just think of themselves as two people.

We’d all better hope we’re walking down a path where this thing is more and not less common. While folks are getting married less in general, they’re also increasingly not crossing these boundaries when they do. The Mad Men days of dudes marrying their deputy executive administrative assistants are long gone. I think if you graduated from university, you’re like 856% more likely to marry a fellow college graduate than you were in 1965.

So if you are not in favor of something like The Hunger Games where society is permanently divided between two camps of crushed humanity, it’s time to cheer not just for these two kids, but any other time you see something this awesome occur.  They met while he was washing the freaking family car!  It’s just great.  Regardless of your deity of choice, they’re smiling at this one.  Unless you worship Satan, who is likely frowning, and in which case send me your contact info because my guests want to speak with you.

So here’s hoping by 2090 that the novelty of this story is as ancient as copper spear kills. That by then, nobody cares because this stuff is as common as air. That it’s just a rounding error on the delicious human ride. As the best quote in the article testifies:

“Why should it be headline news? We are all human beings.”



Now they’ll have the delightful opportunity to be just as miserable as the rest of us