My Guests and I watched the UNTOLD trailer for Pressure in immaculate detail. We didn’t eat popcorn (they don’t like it) so they ate raw meat while I ate chips.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on this degenerate blog about how Hollywood is finished. Here is another example of this. Please hold on as we discuss this most UNTOLD meaningless of topics. As always, we truly want to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.

We will write this to bullet points to keep this as short as possible. Please bask in our intent to tell this UNTOLD story as best we can without 384 screenshots that would get this post copyright claimed.

If you want to go ahead and watch this UNTOLD trailer you can find it anywhere. But we advise you not to do that. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this trailer (and the movie) enrages us. We will not be seeing this in the theaters. Shocker.

The bullet points below are UNTOLD. But they are listed in chronological order. So if you are insane or otherwise mentally disturbed? Have this stupid, negligent blog post in hand so you can follow along with this 2:45 masterpiece of cinema if you want to watch it. But again, we ask that you don’t. Your individual clicks do matter. Even if on youtube this disaster has 20M views. 20M!? We’re all doomed.

– I’ve got nothing against Brendan Fraser. He’s a fine actor who is good to watch. But he’s taken (for whatever reason) some absolute garbage roles. I have not seen The Whale, because the topic is just cringe for me, but I’m sure he earned it.

– The part in Mummy where Fraser dual wields makes me happy to remember. It’s when movies were actually fun.

– TIGER was a D-Day rehearsal that got ambushed by a bunch of Nazi E-boats. If you want to know what misery until death is, think about what it meant to be crew of a Nazi E-boat. Brave dudes, no doubt, but they were slaughtered. And in the end, except for rare instances like TIGER, they were less than a rounding error to the war. But the trailer doesn’t mention that. They just say TIGER went bad. Um, …, other than the dead bodies, 99% of the people watching this trailer don’t know what you’re talking about.

– My Guests broke into a secret Nazi archive and discovered Hitler was informed that (obviously) TIGER meant the invasion was imminent. Hitler apparently told all his generals that the Soviet attack occupied 94% of his time and to fuck off. So they did. Then when the invasion happened, Hitler slept late. And none of the generals would wake him, and they’re like: Well, he did tell us to fuck off, didn’t he?

– “Based on the Untold True Story”. Uh, so, ah, I’m pretty sure D-Day is one of the most written about events in human history. But the word UNTOLD gets clickbait on youtube. Clickbait works time and time again. People just blindly click without thought. See Tok too. It’s why you youtube is pushing Shorts so much. So the trailer throws UNTOLD in there to get eyeballs for two more minutes. Hence the 20M viewed. Our culture is fucked.

– You know, the weather reports have been so wrong these last few weeks I just stop checking them. I walk out to me Ma’s porch, feel the temperature, and look at the sky. I like this, it’s soothing. It’s also 87% more accurate than the weather goon who failed basic math in the fourth grade.

– They will portray this weather forecasting as a deep dramatic major subplot for movie purposes. Ignore the drama. Ike just basically made a gut call with the information he had. Port or starboard? He made a decision. He didn’t know if he’d be right. He just knew he had to make a decision. It could have gone so, darn, horribly, wrong. It’s why he had a prewritten failure letter in his pocket. I think he did this for himself. It was an act of confidence, and also a warm blanket. If he failed, he already knew what he was going to say.

– @ 1:08 in the video they have two hurricanes side by side to portray the weather danger. Are you fucking kidding me?

– They show Ike yelling for drama. Ike never yelled. It was not a leadership trait he used. To the point his fellow generals kinda thought he was asleep at the wheel. But, hey, whatever, movie, trash the guy’s reputational personality to make the film more intense.

– Paratroopers being shown out the door in broad daylight. When all of them dropped at night. Maybe the shot in the movie is them doing the daylight drop for training purposes? And they just shoehorned it into the trailer for action purposes? And in the movie they show the real drop at night?

– In the current Iran insanity, one of the news talking points was the 82nd Airborne battalions deployed would be dropped on Kharg Island. This is how little the media understands war. Go look up Kharg on a satellite map. Ain’t nobody parashooting into that concrete mess. Given the dangers of modern war, I wonder if anybody will ever do a large scale paratroop drop ever again? It’d be Looney Tunes.

– Shots of people talking about the weather while random shots of various clouds play. That’s not on the nose at all. Movie! This trailer makes me so excited. The dramatic music and quick cuts don’t tell me this movie is a complete con job at all.

– Andrew Scott is one of the greatest actors of our generation. He’s all over this trailer as the weather guy. What the fuck is he doing here? Maybe he needs a third boat? Is it to be in a big name movie and he gets a paycheck? Gee wiz. He gets top billing in this movie???!!! WHAT?!

– Lots o’ battle footage. You gotta have that. I mean, honestly, how can you have a deep-seated traditional drama film about Ike making a decision without nonsensical and completely pointless violence. I have not seen Oppenheimer and never will (different conversation), but I heard they never actually show the bomb being dropped on Japan. That is how things should be.

– Pressure is the laziest title you could ever imagine for this topic. As in, the PRESSURE of Ike’s decision, plus PRESSURE as in the weather. DO YOU GET IT!? What were they thinking? The answer is, they weren’t, undoubtably, at any point making this movie.

fuck you