Absurdity of the Week! False Camaraderie!

Why must we pretend our coworkers are our friends when they’re not?!

And now it’s time for our weekly (not weekly) absurdity of the week fact to be published on a weekly (not weekly) basis. Oh, the joy of pointing out all of life’s little absurdities. [aimlessly tosses rocks into a bleak frigid pond, alone, during a moonless night]

So today I was asked to:

a) Sign a personal non-religious-secular-festive-holiday-based-card for my boss(es). Everybody’s signing it. Because we love our boss(es)! Especially when they can’t make decisions. Because we don’t need boss(es) to make decisions.

b) Contribute cash to the employer’s charity fund for the sole purpose of giving more money than the other departments. The phrases “bragging rights” and “let’s get the win” were used. Because nothing says you’re serious about donating to charity like sticking it to fellow faceless-cubicle-goons you’ve never met.

c) Attend not one but two non-religious-secular-festive-holiday-based-parties. Next week! Back-to-back days. Oh, but one of them costs money. You must buy that ticket! Work? What’s that? Parties!

During all of this I slouched-sloth-like in the conference room chair, cross-armed, staring at the floor as if the secrets to all human existence were contained in the coffee stained fibers.

Why must we pretend our coworkers are our friends when they’re not?!

I have this vision of the future, where humanity’s been enslaved by my guests. And at the mandatory morning indoctrination meeting they announce we’re having an office party next week. All humans will attend to celebrate the Unbridled Conquest of the Human Spirit! And everybody offers perfunctory cheers, deadpan and defeated. Oh, uh.

I don’t hate these people. But they’re not my friends. In fact, some of them are rather infuriating to be around. Maybe (surely) I’m just a total-deranged-cynical-asshole?

But we’ll still all corral ourselves in a bland-faceless-conference-room and sadly mumble to each other in our non-religious-secular-festive-holiday-based-attire. Where we will all have fun and bond together. Because they said so.

I think all these boss(es) got schooled by leadership-and-management-guru-hacks who told them building (false) camaraderie is good for business. That it encourages team building and worker (drone) cohesion.

That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  Hey dudes, how about we just go out and play touch football for an hour. And then go to lunch at a dive bar. And then after lunch, you just let us go home early for the day. Now that outing would actually be fun.

As an entrance fee to the bar, all employees are required to consume at least four drinks before acquiring eligibility to go home. It’ll be great. The systems tracker can giggle uncontrollably for four hours. Two married folks from upstairs can sexually harass each other. Lots of shouting. The operations guy can call the staff lead a naughty word to his face for once. Somebody from asset management will nail a dude from facilities with a bar stool to the back of the head. More shouting. An engineer can huddle alone in a booth crying with abandon. Why is it so loud in here?! And so on.

Let me plan the party boss(es)! It’ll be a disastrous, shitty, awful mess. But unlike our current plan, it’ll actually build camaraderie. Either that, or convince the boss(es) that they should never, ever hold an office party again. Ever.  We can’t lose!


Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here. [employs kazoo]

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