Don’t make things more than they are

We must eat to live. We might as well enjoy it. But this has gotten out of hand. The assholes have distorted the third most basic of human functions and turned it into a commodity for their profit. We are not the better for it.

I’ve started to notice that ordinary, random people now describe their food like a dick critic they’ve observed on that recent food show called [insert any name here]. My latest experience with this delightful phenomenon was this last weekend at a wedding. The food was very good, but folks felt compelled to explain how they enjoyed it like the actors (they’re not chefs once they take media cash) they saw on television. Here are a few examples that I made up based roughly on what I heard:


What They Said: This prime rib has great texture and is cooked to perfection.

What They Meant: This is good meat, hell yeah.

What People Used to Say: This is good shit.


What They Said: I find the dressing has just the right vinegar and acidity for my tastes.

What They Meant: I like this salad dressing.

What People Used to Say: Good salad, man.


What They Said: This cheesecake has the right balance of sweet and savory.

What They Meant: I like my desert, go humanity.

What People Used to Say: Give me more.


When we begin to emulate the media’s view of our most essential acts, folks, it’s time to detonate the human race. What we apparently now think is food is instead a machine engineered version of food created for us by broadcasting fucks. Folks, that’s not food. That’s entertainment. Close your mouths or start to talk like real people again.

As a disclaimer, I cook, I cook well, and I cook all the time. I truly enjoy it. But I don’t make the elite trash you see on the idiot box. I make real food that the actors would call garbage. Well, thanks rich assholes, but I live in the real world. I cook real food and I like it. This is how we normal people live. You all can go to hell or return to your mansions, thank you.

Don’t make things more than they are. It’s not about textures, or acidity, or the views of faceless actors whose opinions aren’t worth the time it takes you to watch them. If you enjoy these shows, as I sometimes do, game on, but remember what it’s all about. Don’t lose focus.  Food is about sustaining life. Food is also about eating and sharing good times with your friends and family, those whom you love. If you make it more than that, you’re missing the point.


I have more money than Jesus. But if you don’t eat just like I do, you’re Satan.

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