Are you happy? 91 lashes for you, pig!

Leave it to some of the planet’s creepiest, most hypocritical goons to get mad at a dance song.  They can embezzle billions, rape their own people for three decades, and murder at will.  But the folks they rule can’t dance or they get tortured.  Wow, that’s quite the benevolent religious paradise they’ve got going.  Who wouldn’t want to join the club?

You know, I sometimes get the feeling that brutal dictatorships do this just because they can.  They don’t really care about these people dancing, they just want to show everybody they can crush folks at a whim.  That they can be assholes for no reason and get away with it.

I especially think that’s the case here because they actually got these folks to confess on camera that they’d been duped.  Not only can the overwhelming power of the Iranian State keep you from dancing, it can melt your brain to the point you admit you hate dancing, when you don’t.  All Hail!  I want to live in a Benevolent State than can force me to admit on video that I hate beer.  Good luck with that, hit squad losers!  I’m pretty sure you’d have to electric drill my cheeks first.

Maybe the Iranian State’s death squads need to change their tune?  Maybe they should try smiling a little, like spread happiness instead of raw fear.  At least then they could pull the wool over everybody’s eyes.  Here, just take a look at this guy, now this is how you spread happiness in a vicious-fenced-liquidation-camp:


Now that’s a guy I could have a drink with!

I feel bad for Pharrell Williams though, that he has this on his conscience, it’s not his fault, but he says the right thing:

“It is beyond sad that these kids were arrested for trying to spread happiness,”

So if ordinary citizens post a video online saying they’re happy to be from Tehran and are then punished by the Iranian State, does that mean the Iranian State is not happy to be from Tehran?  We think yes.  Accordingly, we invite them to leave Tehran and move in with my guests & I.  I assure you, you’ll be well treated.  You can trust my guests.  They’re just like you guys, so you know you can count on honesty and integrity.


The Arcturus Project’s Weekly (Not Weekly) Stormy Cloud Award goes to His Eminence Grand Ayatollah Ali Hosseini Khamenei, Overlord & Dictator of the Iranian People


Exterminate all chimpanzees! And other wise ideas.

In a shocking revelation shocking only to those not in touch with reality it turns out that chimpanzees are not in fact peaceful-pot-smoking-hippy-like-creatures. When did this happen? I thought they were completely civilized and reasonable, like us.

So apparently (very little surprises me anymore) there were real live people who actually believed that chimps only killed each other because of human interference. As in, that if humans weren’t around, chimps wouldn’t kill each other. So they had to commission a study to prove this idea wrong.

That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I live with a bunch of fringe lunatics. Speaking of which, what kind of fringe lunatic did you have to be to declare that chimps only murder because humans are around? Why do we always have to blame humanity for everything that’s wrong in the universe?

I mean, I know I do, but seriously, it’s not always our fault. We’re not responsible if a star a thousand light-years away somehow accidentally blows up. We’re not responsible if my guests hijack a nuclear submarine and use it to start World War III so they can “thin the herd”. Whatever you believe about life, it makes perfect sense that chimps kill each other like dirty animals in the same fashion as we do.

Still, I don’t know about you but this study worries me quite a bit. It appears the chimps are rather capable. They conduct complex combat patrols. They gang up on their neighbors to acquire resources and territory. It’s only a matter of time before they’re wielding firearms and building turbine powered fixed-wing aircraft.

We need to get ahead of this problem. It’s time to do what humans do best, exterminate something. We need to take out the chimps before they get us. It’s only natural. It’s in our blood. If the chimps were us, they’d do it too.

So grab your weapon of choice, book a ticket, and meet me inside N’Djili International Airport at midnight on the 1st of October. We’re headed into the jungle for a daring first strike mission. My guests will accompany us on our Glorious Venture! And they’ll bring their toys. So you know we’ll win. Let’s show those primates how you do murder right!


Pan troglodytes, nature’s second deadliest killing machine

Speaches don’t make history like they used to

It’s probably a safe bet you’re not going to hear anything new tomorrow.  It’s not like Obama’s going to announce a paratrooper assault on Mosul has occurred, or that he’s nuked Damascus.  Although both acts might be productive. 

Whatever he says, its mostly noise.  The audience is not the world to outline a plan, but the voter to influence an election.  Which makes it essentially worthless toward the overall outcome of the crisis at hand.  Or maybe I’m just being too damn cynical, and he’s actually making a go of it.  Shit man, I sure hope so.

Hey remember when presidents used to start wars with glowing speeches that made history.  You read about them decades or hundreds of years later.  Will anybody remember what Obama says tomorrow in say, one year?  Probably not.  But don’t blame him too much.  Nobody on the other side of the political equation is saying anything relevant either.

The opposition (a term not applicable to the Republicans) is currently entertaining lunatic ideas from the likes of Ted Cruz and Rand Paul.  Two guys who apparently don’t realize that the galaxy’s moved on from reasonable militant isolationist views since, oh, 1939.

I don’t envy Obama, he’s in an impossible situation.  No matter what he says, just about everybody’s going to hate him.  But nobody has a better answer than he does.  Because, I fear, there is no answer.  It’s lose, lose.

So given that, my guests and I are going to answer this tomorrow before the speech.  Because we help people with problems.  It’s what we do.  Which is bad.  Because we have a lot of problems.

Either way, here’s hoping for all our sakes that the Prez makes this one count.  We and history need a win.


Temporary holder of the second hardest job on the planet after Bear Baiter (to be returned to Ukraine upon conclusion of tomorrow’s speech)