A handy translation of Comcast’s talking points

It can be awfully hard to decipher what public relations hacks are saying. So we’ve broken down the language into something that a normal person can understand. We’re here to help. It’s what we do. Even if by helping we make things a lot worse.

We pulled this text directly from Comcast. So you know it’s good. We start with what they said. And then we translate it as only my guests can. They understand Comcast well. They grew up with its methods and attitude.

1) “Comcast and Netflix team up to provide customers with excellent user experience”

We extorted Netflix to pay us cash so we wouldn’t destroy their service quality. Since they’ve paid us our fucking money, which you’ll soon pay them, we’re happy to provide the consumer with such an excellent Netflix experience.

2) “If you’re an Xfinity TV Digital customer, take advantage of Free Channel Week – week-long unlimited access to a huge collection of live and On Demand cable and premium TV content, including thousands of TV shows and movies from more than 30 channels.”

Like all these free channels, eh? Next month you’ll pay for them; whether you like it or not. Ah, you’ll not pay for them, or go with another cable provider? Eat shit.

3) “Comcast Offers Up to Six Months of Complimentary Internet Service and an Amnesty Program for
Low-Income Families”

Our low-income family program is the most cynical, patronizing effort in existence. If we did business in the 1930’s, we’d give six months of free cable to German Jews whilst bribing the Nazi State to favor our business model. Then we’d sell enhanced data services to the SS to they could effectively crunch numbers necessary to implement a solution to one of their perceived problems. All these poor people, we’re giving them free cable now, so that later we can viciously increase their rates once our monopoly is fully in place. What are they going to do, sue us? They don’t have any money.

4) “Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can play an important role in bringing affordable Internet home to more people.”

Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can get bribed by us in order to bring affordable internet home to more people. You love gold, right? We do too. Help us give you money so we can fuck those who desperately require affordable internet in order to compete in the new knowledge based global economy.

5) “The process is underway in earnest and we’ve got many states and local communities to already approve of the transfer,”

We’ve bribed every single fucking person who matters. If we lose, don’t think they won’t pay for it. We’re doing this in the clear and getting away with it. We’ve even got our lobbyist running the government organization making this vital monopoly decision. We’re just that damn good. If you don’t like it, move to Mexico. We’re the most openly evil corporation since the guys currently selling 55-gallon barrels to the Assad Regime.

Or maybe this is what Comcast really meant to say:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c38fb80a0d/comcast-doesn-t-give-a-f-ck

brian_roberts_comcast

Potentially the most powerful man in America; whether you like it or not

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