Why do companies keep changing their names to shit that means absolutely nothing?!

And now it’s time for our weekly (not weekly) absurdity of the week fact to be published on a weekly (not weekly) basis. Oh, the joy of pointing out all of life’s little absurdities. (slowly loads revolver in a dark room)

SAIC became Leidos

(because you don’t want a computer company’s name to sound like a computer?)

Philip Morris became Altria

(so we’d forget they marketed death sticks to six year olds back in the forties?)

Blackwater became Xe became Academi

(goon academy?)

ING US became Voya

(uh…?)

Why are all these names creepy, poetic nonsense that sounds like divine excrement that emerged from Greek gods? Do these folks think they’ll suddenly become household memorable company terms because they now have a unique name? A name so unique it doesn’t exist as a real word in all of human history?

ING US is now Voya so they sound like a neat smooth sexual dream instead of a degenerate bank. Because nothing says I should trust all my money more with these guys, a company that trashed its cherished long term name for an unknown short term benefit. 

You know what, everybody should do this. It’s a chance for a new start! 

Hitler can change his name to Orsensya. Satan can become Astinara. Kim Jong Un, Destructicus. 

Or take McDonalds! They’ve got some issues lately because their food, while nostalgically awesome, still leaves an aftertaste that reminds one of their old styrofoam tins. Chipotle and Five Guys are cleaning their clock because of silly things like food quality. Time for a new era!

McDonalds becomes Enarius

“i’m lovin’ it” becomes “culinary wisdom of the ages”

Ronald McDonald becomes Mister Enarius, a 55 year old white guy in a loose fitting toga who hangs out with little children alone at The Enarius House of Culinary Wisdom.

This idea cannot fail. Give me the $3M in marketing fees. What could go wrong?