It seems with DC as New Rome that all our film & entertainment masters want to play-by-play the insanity of The Capital. So now we get endless series about lobbyists, politicians, assassins, and so on. Whatever. I want a show about the pawn trapped in a cubicle performing senseless tasks untrained monkeys would find “so, fucking, boring”.

We find this tiresome. It’s worse than your latest crappy cop and lawyer drama by a long shot. Every town has a cop or lawyer. But not every town is the Imperial-Palace-of-the-Elite-Establishment. I think fifteen of the twenty richest parts of America are now around DC. So why do we need to celebrate this by paying homage to a completely unrealistic view of the sewer? 

Think it’s fun to play vicious power broker like you’re Kevin Spacey? I’ll let you in on a widely known secret: They’re all idiots. Politics is not a game “played by smart people”, but a shitshow in which hack-frauds act like children to further their primal desires for money and power. At your expense. 

In order to accurately represent what government and New Rome actually is and does, we propose the following new hit dramas for your consumption: 

1) Eye of the Needle – Jack Strong plays a young, genius, hip, patriotic scamp in his first year as a National Security Agency analyst. Bask in the high theater as our energetic hero slowly becomes embittered, unmotivated, and deranged as he’s buried beneath a sea of paperwork, regulations, and incompetent leadership. Our protagonist ends his career disgusted and hauls off to take a six-figure job with an internet security company vowing to “never spend one minute in that fucking place ever again”.

2) Wisp of Desire – Andrea Marks leaves the innocence of her small town bound for a bright future as a lobbyist seeking to influence the General Services Administration at the heart of the halls of power. Feel the drama as Andrea answers e-mails so incomprehensible it hurts her kidneys while simultaneously seeking the bullshit career advice of creepy, depraved men whose sole purpose is to sleep with her. Andrea returns home a failure for her inability to “play the game” and ends her days manning a till at Walmart. 

3) Wreck of the Hesperus – Deshawn Richards pursues his route to a higher calling by taking an internship with the Department of Homeland Security. Watch with clenched teeth as Deshawn discovers a department better skilled at buying fearsome-flat-screen-televisions than stopping machine-pistol-wielding-terrorists who don’t actually exist. Deshawn resolves to carry on and rises diligently to the delicious rank of GS15 where he puts in three hour of useful work during the typical week and then retires at the age of 47, all without ever stopping a single crime.

4) Dawn of the New Age – Melissa Hideyoshi takes the plunge and departs for the Capitol Mothership after decades of loyal service as a local political acolyte. Scream with terror alongside Melissa as she learns the true breadth of the scam she facilitated as she confronts a level of debauched-Congress-based-lunacy unthinkable to anybody with a functioning brain. Melissa resolves to “change the system”, returns to local politics, and is mercilessly defeated in a landslide election for the Assistant Office of Deputy City Councilor.

This show would actually be real accurate if over six seasons it showed how she too became a DC-based-mindless-black-cloaked-drone like all the others