Let’s ban everything!

We hate humanity. We despise everything it stands for. So we support this effort to recklessly ban everything. Only by banning things do we acquire the power to demolish the human race’s existence as we know it.

California’s now officially banned a lot of things. Plastic bags, casual sex, common sense, and chairs. We’ve previously written about the lunacy of the sexual-consent law. Remember friends, it’s not about sexual assault or plastic, it’s about controlling human behavior. Only when our wiser & more just social betters tell us everything we can and can’t do are we truly free.

On the radio I heard a self-righteous tool state that in four years nobody in California will remember plastic bags existed. So apparently that idiot can fold space and time. Because otherwise his declaration’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all year.

But my guests & I still want in on this action. So here’s a list of other things we can ban while we’re at it. I mean, why not? Sooner or later everything’s going to be illegal, so let’s get a head start:

– The zoo

Every single animal in these miracle playgrounds was kidnapped from the wild. Kidnapped I say! What kind of savage race are we? Where do we get off taking a beautiful creature from the wilderness for our own amusement? If your young kid laughs and enjoys themself at the zoo while learning about nature? You should smack them in the face and call them a pig for their heartless behavior.

– Caffeine & alcohol

These two drugs do more harm in one second than all the nuclear weapons ever detonated throughout our planet’s history. All the pain and suffering they cause just isn’t worth it. We appropriately should ban them forever. But we should also make weed legal, because that doesn’t harm anybody. The wise and benevolent logic of this tradeoff is unmistakable. Please don’t object. Your cooperation is appreciated. 

– Cars

These death machines take the lives of over one-million folks a year. They also pollute the environment whether they’re driven by a robot or not. Think of the joys of returning to the days of walking or riding a four-legged friend. Sure, there’ll be feces in the roads again, but that’s a lot easier to clean up than shattered human flesh blended with crunched steel.

– Food

Let’s face it, food kills. Every single person in human history who’s consumed food has died. Why do we put up with this shit? Isn’t it so much better to contemplate a world where all our nutritional requirements are administered in pill form? Plus, this way scientists and engineers can take all the fat, sugar, calories, and other unnecessary junk out of our lives forever. What’s not to like?

– Sports

Why do we do this to ourselves? Nothing mandates we play games, contact or otherwise. It’s entirely pointless when you think about it. All that time spent outside playing sports risks injury and takes away from time in front of the smartphone, e-book, or e-brain. Why take the risk? It’s time we evolve beyond physical activity. My guests recommend a future life as a amorphous-pure-energy-blob , which they are happy to facilitate for a nominal fee.


More dangerous to the future of humanity than ebola

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