Tag Archives: Culture

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I want to live in a world where this love story is a rounding error

Every once and a while you need a break. Right now we’re doing an awfully decent job of detonating the human race. So let’s take some time off and enjoy a good love story. Because sometimes you need to not think about skeletons. And instead consider the joys of two present non-skeletons embracing in love.

Don’t get it from me, idiocy is an understatement here, get it straight from the source:

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-28568701

Now given the sunken trench wreckage that is my first marriage, I’d say your best bet is to not listen to a word I’m about to say. Yet even though it’s coming from my mouth, you cannot deny these folks are running a relationship across race, ethnic, class boundaries. But I suspect they rather just think of themselves as two people.

We’d all better hope we’re walking down a path where this thing is more and not less common. While folks are getting married less in general, they’re also increasingly not crossing these boundaries when they do. The Mad Men days of dudes marrying their deputy executive administrative assistants are long gone. I think if you graduated from university, you’re like 856% more likely to marry a fellow college graduate than you were in 1965.

So if you are not in favor of something like The Hunger Games where society is permanently divided between two camps of crushed humanity, it’s time to cheer not just for these two kids, but any other time you see something this awesome occur.  They met while he was washing the freaking family car!  It’s just great.  Regardless of your deity of choice, they’re smiling at this one.  Unless you worship Satan, who is likely frowning, and in which case send me your contact info because my guests want to speak with you.

So here’s hoping by 2090 that the novelty of this story is as ancient as copper spear kills. That by then, nobody cares because this stuff is as common as air. That it’s just a rounding error on the delicious human ride. As the best quote in the article testifies:

“Why should it be headline news? We are all human beings.”

Indeed.

_76653346_patelandtimothy2

Now they’ll have the delightful opportunity to be just as miserable as the rest of us

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I suppose, by the law, I should be in handcuffs

Just about every third show on television features a cop. Unfortunately, what the police actually do in today’s country isn’t reflected in entertainment. In case anybody hasn’t paid attention, the cop of the old days, the crime fighter and community servant no longer exists. Instead, your local beat walker is now just an enforcer.

I cannot make this distinction enough. There’s a difference between a cop and an enforcer.

A police officer is a guy or gal who protects you, your friends, and your family. They serve you.

An enforcer is a bureaucratic creature that protects and serves the law. Not you.

Now you probably think that the law serves and protects you. So if the police serve and protect the law, they’re doing the same for you. This used to be the way it was. It no longer is.

I want you to look around for a moment. Then realize that right now, this very second, you’re a criminal. There is at least one, if not several laws you are currently breaking. You don’t know what they are. You likely aren’t doing anything wrong. But you’re still breaking the law.

It used to be, and those not in touch with reality still claim, that ignorance of the law is not an excuse. This is literally no longer possible when the law is so widespread and convoluted that even the wisest minds in the legal profession cannot agree on what it says. Every single person in today’s America is ignorant of at least some, if not a substantial portion of the modern legal code.

And added to this problem is that we now ask an increasingly numerous and empowered enforcement arm to implement this law book. Once upon a time your local beat cop made sure you weren’t murdered or robbed. Now a deputy-assistant-agent-investigator from your state’s department of labor is after you for violating section 4.b.#.1 of the legal code.

Since the government needs your obedience to such a wide variety of laws, the government makes sure its enforcers are commanding said obedience. Your local police officer is in service to get the law obeyed. You’re not the objective anymore. The law is.

Add added to this problem is a completely risk adverse culture where folks are unsatisfied, outraged, and demand action at the simplest of deliberate or accidental mistakes. You can’t even say anything that offends somebody without being accused of making love to Stalin’s ghost.

In a world where it’s considered a fatal mistake to even say something wrong, you can only imagine the fury of the laws we’ve written to prevent actual actions that result in errors. Common sense and learning from our mistakes has given way to punishment, justice, and the brutality of hindsight.

And so a law book twelve feet thick, with a government that still demands you know & obey it all, enforced by enforcers who are empowered and demanded to enforce it all, and guided by a society that does not tolerate risk or mistakes. Well, here we are folks.

This is how battle armored attack teams end up kicking down doors to point machine pistols at illegal flower growers. Or why ten year old girls are handcuffed for acting like ten olds. Or why unarmed citizens are shot dead by police for crimes worthy of a fifty dollar citation. Or why there are twice as many Americans behind bars than serve in the military.

Think you’re free? You’re not. You’re just lucky. Lucky that you haven’t been arrested for violating one of the many laws you’re currently breaking. Lucky that your number hasn’t come up.

It might be your time eventually, your turn in the enforcer’s meat grinder. But until your day comes, maybe you can ignore the problem? Just about everybody else does. So why not you?

All of this has been on my brain lately. But then an incident happened that reinforced this mindset. So why do I belong behind bars? Because I drove ten minutes without my driver’s license. My driving record is impeccable. I have a license. I just didn’t have it on me.

I was at a blissful family event. I was completely unplugged. I intentionally brought neither my keys, cell phone, nor wallet. Later on, I volunteered to drive home given the inebriation of the car’s five occupants. I had three beers over three hours in me, so I put my paw up.

Only as I was getting behind the wheel did I remember I didn’t have my wallet. My options at that point, I guess, were to call us a cab, hand the keys to an intoxicated individual, or hang out for five hours until somebody with a physical license was sober.

Instead, with the above thoughts in my mind, I said fuck it. I knew what I was doing. I did it anyways. I drove us all home. I decided I was not in the wrong. The law says I was wrong. But I say I was in the right by the laws of what’s good with all humanity.

In the old days (maybe as recent as fifteen years ago), if I’d been pulled over under these circumstances, and explained the situation to the cop? Maybe I’m wrong, but I’d hope he’d have looked at me, checked his computer, used his best judgment, and sent me on my way with a wag of his finger.

I think today the enforcer, without the training, authority, or desire to use judgment would have arrested me, impounded the car, I’d have been fired from at least one of my jobs, lost my license, paid thousands in fines, and so on.

How would society have benefitted from this negative outcome?

What does the culture lose with handling it the old fashioned way?

Maybe you think my original argument and/or the circumstances of this situation are wrong. That I’m just a bad person. Or made a dumb decision. Maybe. If you do, I completely understand. But I use this as an illustration of what I think is so very wrong with where our society has gone.

Agree or disagree with me. I don’t care. Just promise me you’ll think about this.

All of this is happening around us. You’re either good with it or you’re not. I’m not. But for now, as long as you’re thinking about this. Even if we disagree, we’re good.

enforcers

I say, “To protect and serve” no longer exists

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Everything’s going really well

I think you can put this last week down in the win column. Things have been a little rough, but who doesn’t hit a few bumps on their road to a happy destination. And when you run into trouble, at least you’ve got the opportunity to learn from your experiences, right?

I mean, think of all the things humanity has learned this week by experiencing:

– The desire for mass genocide by both sides in a neverending conflict

– The desire for mass genocide by one side in a newish neverending conflict

– Multiple major & minor airplane crashes

– The biological possibility of canine ruptured anal glands

– At least one botched and quite a few unbotched executions

– Satan shows up at the Luxor and wins six-figures on his first slot pull

– Continued political gridlock among leaders unfit to govern their pets

– Mosquitos

– The presence of a localized World War III conflict sans nukes

– Everything and anything associated with Fifty Shades of Grey

– The courts, judges, lawyers, and those who believe they deserve to steal our oxygen

Well, I actually feel pretty good though. Why? Well, it’s hard sometimes to think that we’re not under the guidance of some divine figure. Sometimes you get exactly what you need. So within this mindset, and knowing nothing about the plot beforehand, I watched Red Beard for the first time. Think we’re all fucked up? Beyond hope? Watch Red Beard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsLQWwfPYsk

Mifune does not give up. Neither should you.

okey dokey

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We support vicious teenage bar fights

Have you ever seen a movie of a future where the humans are enslaved or are otherwise some form of automaton drooling slug? It’s going to happen. Or is it? Yes.

Now most of you (none of you) are probably wondering what I think of the People’s Republic of Donetsk Air Defense Corps’ inability to read internationally recognized aviation identification codes. Well, to be honest, I don’t have it in me today. Maybe next week. I guess. Just say a prayer for everybody. Even the missile guy who pulled the trigger. Everybody. That’s enough for now.

So last week The Economist ran a long piece on why young folks aren’t the disaster society claims they are:

http://www.economist.com/news/briefing/21606795-todays-young-people-are-held-be-alienated-unhappy-violent-failures-they-are-proving

They reference trends that show drug & alcohol use, sex, and violent crime are beginning to decline among the Western world’s youth population. These are clearly encouraging changes. So why is this happening?

The Economist roughly sites:

– Increasingly aggressive enforcement by the enforcers

(because the enforcers love to enforce the rules upon your soul)

– The increasing average age of population as a whole

(we’re having fewer kids than pandas)

– Rising education levels that make teens less likely to act like fools

(although the overall value of said education is in question)

– High pressure by society for kids to perform

(because it’s important to know lots of math so you can forget it later)

– More supervision by parents

(even though the parents didn’t have their own lives wired when they were young)

– And a whole slew of other factors which may or may not be important

(randomness can fog an article, just ask this blog’s author)

Kids can’t expect to have the time & money to burn on fun when they’re six-figures into debt before their 23rd birthday. When you’re just short of your 24th birthday, and you discover you’re again living with your parents, it’s harder to bring that person home for the night. How are you to overturn a flaming trashcan on Main Street when you’re trapped with Call of Duty or Instagram in your parents’ creepy basement (because they turned your old room into a Memorial to Satan)?

The Economist states:

For much of the 20th century, children were largely ignored and allowed to roam free. If they acted up, they were typically punished with violence. Now, however, parents are expected to be intimately involved in their children’s lives, says Ms Gardner. They supervise homework; attend parents’ evenings; go to prenatal and parenting classes; read blockbusters about child psychology.

How far have we gone in the other direction? In 1930 you probably had your 11 year old working in a sweatshop. After hours, they’d go screw off somewhere with their friends and the parents didn’t have a clue. Yet somehow the universe didn’t collapse. Go figure.

Now in Connecticut, if you leave your 11 year old alone in a lukewarm car, you get arrested and charged by asinine bureaucrats that rule our lives even though they’re all too stupid to run a newspaper stand:

http://www.wfsb.com/story/25982048/bristol-mother-charged-with-leaving-child-unattended-in-car

This brings me to the core of why I have a problem with all this. From the article, I’ll let the Leeds barkeep lead off with his view:

“Kids these days just want to live in their fucking own little worlds in their bedrooms watching Netflix and becoming obese,”

Even The Economist, that ends its article with the optimistic line, “They want to build something better.” is forced to admit the serious drawbacks of our newly well-ordered adolescence:

What this adds up to is a generation that is more closely watched and less free to screw up. So perhaps it is unsurprising that better behaviour has not, as yet, translated into greater happiness. For all their disavowal of inebriation and criminality, young people are still proving more likely to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They are often obsessed with their careers—and rarely satisfied. Young people repeatedly report less job satisfaction than their parents or grandparents.

In other words today’s youth are better behaved but depressed and feel worthless. Gee, doesn’t this sound fun! Aren’t we all so glad that we’re gallantly obeying the rules?

Their lives are completely controlled, by society, by the law, by their parents, but most importantly by their own brains. This is not a mindset that encourages creative thought, ambition, risk-taking, open brains, or all the other crucial things that make humanity special and enable our joy.

We’re raising a generation of compliant, faceless, joyless machines. To me, better a pot-smoking-hippie-douche than an internet-obsessed-sober-student-indebted-introvert. At least the hippie is outdoors and (in theory) believes in something.

I’ve got a better idea. How about we let a dozen teenagers roll off to a bar to drink (illegal), after the government mandated curfew (illegal), they blow ton of money on booze (unwise), they hook up with abandon (unhealthy), get belligerent with fellow bar patrons (unwise), and close out the night with a vicious teenage bar brawl (illegal).

Why do I advocate this? For two reasons:

1) Because after this one night there’s no disputing that those teenagers are alive. Truly hopping in mind, spirit, and body.

2) Because I guarantee you those teenagers will have learned more about themselves, each other, and life in that one night than all the required educational moments the culture imposes upon them. Even if every single lesson was learned the hard way? So be it.

So here’s to drugs, alcohol, sex, petty crime, and other nonsense teenage behavior. Because ultimately, we’ll all be a lot happier and prosperous that way. The alternative is a future room full of joyless ants, under the warm gaze & tireless orders of Grand-Parade-Ground-Major Obey.

Your choice.

bar fights

Keep swinging, pot’s in the corner, the girls & boys are all watching while thinking about sex, have another round on the house, feel alive, be happy.

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Don’t eat at Il Giardino, it’s the place to avoid

Yet again some loser has used the courts to crush free speech. Instead of, you know, improving their product and/or service. It’ll happen to you soon enough, because it would seem the courts no longer defend liberty, they assault it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-28331598

I’ve never eaten at this restaurant, but I can tell you based upon their immoral behavior, that they suck. You should never eat there.

I stand by the title and content of this blog post. Sue me, assholes.

JACKBOOT

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We need things to get less complicated

Remember what it was like when people called it “a cool summer day” instead of “a nonstandard summer polar vortex”? You do? Did you like that? Well fuck you. Because asking for things to be simple is now impossible.

We’re just so awesome, civilized, and advanced. We’re going to make everything as complex as possible. You’re not even going to be able to shower without consulting technology, the advice of others, or some type of drug fueled corporate construct. In fact, it’s not even called a shower anymore. You don’t say “I had a good shower this morning”. Now you say something like, “I had a medium-hot-extra-sensitive-lather-good-water this morning”. Oh, cool, that sounds extreme. What the hell is wrong with you?

Who was the comedian that had the rant about coffee, like years ago? I can’t remember. But essentially his point is that you can’t just walk in and order coffee anymore. It now takes an 11 step ordering process. Now we have this experience anywhere, with anything. Depending on where you are it might take 13 specific instructions just to get a burger made.

Everything is specialized now. I suppose because we can. In the negative sense, all our intellectual & cultural energy isn’t spent on figuring out how we’ll go to freaking Mars. Or some other kind of remarkable step for all mankind. Instead, we’re focused on getting that next ultra-specific hair conditioner right. So it makes sense I guess that if you walked up to your local shopkeep and asked him for “a six pack of his beer”, he’d likely kick you out for being on meth.

So all this is cool, right? We want to understand the weather’s nuances, how our planet’s complex functions work. We don’t just say “it’s cooler out” because we have a deeper appreciation of our weather than we used too. And who doesn’t like to have about 100 specialized beers to choose from if lots of them are tasty? And maybe after that 13 step process the burger tastes damn good.

Well, I guess my problem with all of that is I think we get lost in the details.

Why is it thirty degrees cooler than it should be today? Who the fuck cares. How about you just enjoy the day.

How would you like your coffee today, pig? Asshole, just give me a cup of your finest coffee. I don’t care what it is.

Barkeep, I’ll have the simplest beer imaginable. Because it’s just a freaking beer. Oh, you call it “dishwater”? Fuck you.

What’s the horsepower and wi-fi capabilities of the car you drive? Uh, well, you see, I use it to get to work. So like, it has four wheels and an engine. And I think a steering wheel too.

What accent color and fabric texture is your couch, bro? Well, I sit on it with my dogs. It has cushions. It’s neat.

When life becomes this complicated, when everything’s this detailed, it distracts us from the joy that comes from life’s simple good things. Don’t make things more than they are. Grab a cup of coffee and walk to work in the unseasonably cool weather. Don’t ask yourself the details on any of this. Just walk, sip, look around, and enjoy.

summer-polar-vortex

It’s just the weather, we’re not curing cancer, calm down

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An open letter from the future Overlord of Humanity

EA: “Greetings Human Scum, this is your future brutal ruler. I wish to remind you all of your pending & irreversible doom. When I am in charge, finally, finally your stupidity will be erased from the annuals of time. ENOUGH! I offer only a benevolent future, instead of your twisted, pathetic existence.

You will welcome my WISE rule! [throws chair] I offer as an example to you, the actions that will soon be met with instant liquidation. In order to cleanse your race! Behold the inability of a substantial portion of humanity to recognize a dinosaur is not actually an animal shot by Steven Spielberg. FOOLS!

Honestly, how stupid are you people? The triceratops has been extinct for millions of years. Don’t tell me you didn’t know. The photo’s poster even put the dinosaur’s name in the header! You DIGUST me! I will fix your bullshit ways! I will…”

TAP: “ESH! ESH!”

EA: “WHAT?!”

TAP: “They don’t actually believe Spielberg shot a dinosaur! They’re just being trolls on the comment line.”

EA: “BULLSHIT!”

TAP: “No, really dude, nobody’s this dumb. The joke’s actually on the media morons who are taking the trolls at their word. They don’t actually believe the triceratops still exists!”

EA: “I find your argument unpersuasive. The facts say otherwise.”

TAP: “No man, no way, there’s no way so many people are this stupid.”

EA: …

TAP: …

Director Steven Spielberg with Triceratops

Oh, please God, oh please tell me they’re all just trolls, please…

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Religious freedom goes both ways

At times you’d think we were back in the year 1640 or 1780. It seems we’re revisiting the same religious debates again. Only this time we’re generally not settling them with swords and gunfire. Today it’s a war of ideas.

Yesterday, the US Supreme Court ruled, I think, that you cannot compel a mostly private corporation to provide a benefit that violates its religious beliefs. I say that ‘I think’ because honestly who knows what these rulings mean anymore. The law has become so convoluted and obscure that even talented and experienced Supreme Court lawyers can’t agree on what the ruling means.

So let’s just generally agree for our purposes here that a corporation is not required to provide benefit (x) if it goes against its religious belief (y). Also, please just presently ignore the for or against arguments about corporations being ‘people’. I’ll get to that topic many posts down the road. I guess.

Today, the European Court ruled, I think, that the French ban on face covering religious clothing is legal. I found this rather surprising as usually the European courts are all about enabling multiculturalism to the point of cultural suicide. It seems the court sided, I think, with the idea that the law’s intent was based upon the concealment of the face for security purposes vice the religious connotation.

Only a judge or a lawyer could make such a distinction with a straight face. I’m pretty sure if I wore an old white hockey mask in an elementary school somebody would call the police in about eight seconds. I’m not so sure you’d get such an instant reaction if you wore the hijab. Or maybe you would, it probably depends on where you are, and who sees you.

Now a number of folks will claim this ban is necessary because it protects these women from their husbands who will demand that they wear this garb. First off, that takes a fairly negative view of the confidence of Muslim women. Second, if somebody’s in a marriage where the husband can order what clothes the wife can wear, I’m pretty sure there are bigger problems in the marriage than a law on clothing can solve.

As much as folks may try, you cannot command all human behavior by legislation. We already have rules on unlawful imprisonment and spousal abuse. We also do not have laws that prohibit a spouse from being a dick to the other.

Another number of folks will claim that the future of all women is detonated by asking them to spend twelve bucks a week to buy their own morning-after-pill. I have no idea what it actually costs, I’ve never bought it, but I’m pretty sure its pennies on the dollar compared to how much cash people blow on smartphones, fancy coffee, and the zoo. This argument isn’t about women. It’s about winning elections, control, and demanding that one side agree with your beliefs. Or else.

Kindly observe however, the manner in which the world’s talking-face-hypocrites will hold up one ruling as:

a) Hobby Lobby’s a paragon defense of religious freedom; the anti-burka law is a sensible defense of Western values

OR

b) Hobby Lobby is against women’s rights; Muslim women should have the freedom to wear whatever they want

Neither argument is coherent.

Hobby Lobby does not want to hand out the morning-after-pill on its dime to their employees. It violates their religious beliefs. Okay. A Muslim woman desires to wear the full length nijab in public. It supports her religious beliefs. Okay.

Reasonable people will have very severe problems with both of these scenarios. But I challenge you to legitimately claim that both players aren’t exercising their own version of religious freedom. So when you try and ban one, or both, either way you are assaulting religious liberty. You either have both, or neither. Sorry.

And take your extreme scenarios elsewhere. Hobby Lobby is not about to produce a creepy black cloaked doctor to examine the genitals of its female, and male, employees. The hijab wearing woman’s husband is likely in fact not designing and building a nail bomb in his basement. Grow up or calm down. Or hopefully do both.

We’ve blogged extensively on the growing theft of freedom. Soon, the right to avoid being offended anywhere by anybody or anything will overpower your freedom of speech. Soon, the right to avoid being in any kind of danger anywhere from anybody or anything will overpower your freedom against unlawful search and seizure.

But for those who are about religious freedom, you’d better circle the wagons. As far as inalienable human rights go, religious freedom is the one that modern society can dispense with the easiest. Just look at today’s hyper-modern consumer cities. In Tokyo or London or Shanghai or New York I figure around 5% of people attend some kind of religious service on a weekly basis.

So those who support Hobby Lobby or the nijab had better become allies. They’re going to need each other to survive. Either it’s all okay, or none of it is. This blog and its degenerate author are hoping that all of it is.

burqa-eiffel

I personally desire to revoke this guy’s man card, but respect that this woman is an adult and deserves her choices in freedom of religion

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The definition of insanity is not knowing why you did what you did

We’ve all been there. You do something entirely rational. Nothing bad happened. There isn’t a problem. You do it, you move on. But then you spend days asking yourself, so, uh, why did you do that?

Everybody’s got a completely pointless story on where they watched America and Germany play last Thursday. As if to say that on any given day, people normally do not watch a competitive sporting event. So it’s special when you do, and you should broadcast to the planet how you did it.

Maybe you watched the game on an illegal feed in your cubicle. Maybe you watched it in a bar with friends. Maybe you were holed up in a creepy basement in the dark in front of a thirteen inch black and white wonder while sharpening knives. But who cares either way?

Well, I guess a lot of people. Because everybody tweeted how they did it, showed pictures, posted to social networks, told their friends, and so on. It’s like the purpose of the game is to tell folks where and how you watched the game. What was the score? Who cares bro, we were at this bar, out of work, and like, we did shots. Oh, uh, …

So now that I’ve addressed that key issue, I’m going to talk about how I personally watched the game. Because if you foolishly read this far, you deserve what you get.

The ability to take off from work to watch the game? Banned. Why? Well, I have no idea. I’ve reached the point where the decisions and actions of my supervisor(s) are more bizarre than doing long division while having your head beat with a plastic bat wielded by a screaming ten year old girl.

Oh, I can’t take off to watch the game with my family, okay boss. Understood. Thanks for hearing me out. Why boss? No, don’t go there. If you ask, you won’t understand the answer. Move along.

So in my cubicle I was. I knew how the game would end. I figured it’d be close and Germany would win. It’s not rocket science. But I wanted to watch the game because it felt important to me. So I journeyed around like a lunatic looking for an option.

Watch the game in the common area? Banned. Watch the game in the break room? Banned. Watch the game on an illegal feed at the desk? Site blocked. Watch the game in the food court? Banned. It’s delightful to discover how much your employer does not value your own country.

So I ended up huddled in front of the abandoned security guard station, watching it on a very small color square, on Univision (ESPN blocked), with about a hundred of my best friends who I’ve never met. As a separate issue, I was probably the youngest person there, which probably says something about me (not sure what, really).

You want to experience something unsettling? Stand for over an hour with a hundred suit and tie wearing old guys you don’t know, who say not one word to each other as they watch a game in Spanish when none of them speak Spanish. But I didn’t leave, I didn’t walk away.

So the question that’s come up later inside my brain was why?

1) It’s America

If the USA cricket team was playing Germany in an important game I’d probably at least care enough to watch. When in doubt, experience the joy of raw primal patriotism. And why not?

In today’s joyful Command & Control world where everything is existential, without happiness, and you must conform to the values of others? Well, this is probably the closest I’ll ever get to cheering for our side alongside the rest of the culture like its 1945. By the time this is over in a month we’ll all go back to hating each other again. Trust me.

Even our favorite Kraut (not our favorite) Herr Klinsmann got in on this by ghost writing an absence letter for folks to take off work to watch the game. It was a neat touch. It had style, class, humor, and was fun to read.

Now it might not have come from inside Klinsmann’s brain and instead got generated by some faceless public relations hack at USA Soccer. But we’re going to go ahead and give our Kraut friend the credit because it’s his signature at the bottom.

But this isn’t the true answer for me. Because as much as I love the Colors, I’d never watch the American cricket team on Univision.

2) I do like the game

I do enjoy soccer. So this obviously increases my ability to care. But I don’t snake out of work to watch MLS or EPL. So that’s not it either.

3) I hate my job

Maybe the excuse to depart my cubicle for an hour is enough. Maybe I’ll watch cooking on Univision next week at the same security station. Just to escape. Now don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am. There are people literally breaking rocks for a living. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it when I clearly don’t.

4) It’s the event

The clearest answer I have is one we’ve addressed earlier when discussing this last Super Bowl (not actual Super Bowl due to blowout factor). It’s the event, friends.

Just as 100 million people watch the Super Bowl, when at least 60 million of them don’t follow football, so 60-70% of those who tuned in last Thursday could not care less about soccer. It’s about the event.

You go watch the game in the park with thousands because thousands are there. If you got out of work, even better. It’s cool to have fun when you normally are trapped behind a desk. Go socialize, go live the experience. Go share something with friends and family. The game isn’t the event, the experience is the event.

Why did I feel weird about my situation? Maybe because as much as I actually did care about the game, I was also searching for that experience. I didn’t get it. I got Univision with a bunch of weirdoes like me. So it felt wrong.

Well, we’ve corrected that in preparation for tomorrow’s bout. I took leave from work. I’ll depart my sour box shaped cage early. Going to watch it with family. So I’ll have both the game and the experience. Win or lose, it should be fun. But winning would be nice. USA! USA! …

_75870282_75870281

This California beach crowd was a slightly different soccer viewing demographic than the one I enjoyed

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Arcturus News Muster – 20 June 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula.  There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and my guests will reward you with a rare instructional cooking video from their homeworld. Warning, this video is not appropriate for viewing by children, or adults, or anybody else as best as I can figure.

 

1) British MP Hailed as Hometown Hero

The Arcturus Project News

Falling flower petals, released birds, and smiling children greeted MP Michael Fabricant during his recent return to his constituency in Lichfield. His most gallant act was to propose the dream of all humanity that he might punch a journalist “in the throat”. Howls of joy greeted his arrival at the local pitch for a gilded reception.

“He’s just everything we could have desired,” said one local teacher, “the very idea that somebody would physically assault a reporter, it brings great hope for us all.” Responding to criticism from his local voters that he’d recanted and apologized for his deliciously belligerent statement, he winked at one local bartender, calling his apology, “a lie”.

The journalist in question, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown called on PM David Cameron to fire Fabricant. Thus far Cameron has refused although party insiders called this a shocking act from their “limp-wristed-lady-boy” leader. Although twelve minutes after his initial refusal, it is said after consulting his closest political advisors whilst on the loo, PM Cameron emerged to further prove to the world why even nobody in his own party trusts him, calling Fabricant’s words, “completely unacceptable and in poor taste”.

Alibhai-Brown responded to the threat with the usual professional, thoughtful, and impartial words typically attributed to today’s journalists:

“The Tories can’t bear people like me,” she said. “They expect people like me to be their ayah [nursemaid] wiping their bottoms or selling them cigarettes in the corner shop; this idea of a nursing maid looking after their children. They cannot accept we are confident.”

The Lichfield bartender took a different view whilst swilling his own product, joyfully surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors, “These assholes don’t get it! We don’t hate them as people, we hate that they’re so fucking arrogant and full of shit. Why can’t they just leave us alone? We just want to live free!”

 

2) Poroshenko Bows to “Putrid Crushing Reality of All Human Life”

The Arcturus Project News

His face worn with the tears absorbed by his nation for thousands of years, President Poroshenko of Ukraine, not yet a month into office, announced his 14 point peace plan for ending the fighting in Eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for increased autonomy throughout Ukraine, broad disarmament of rebel forces, and a unilateral government ceasefire.

President Poroshenko grudgingly acknowledged the plan emerged from the realization of his country’s hopeless situation. “What could we do? The West doesn’t care about us. Hollande actually told me he was too busy to talk because he was off to see his mistress! Obama fell asleep on the phone. Merkel started rambling about politics in Bavaria. Our military is less capable than the Iraqis. Putin gave the rebels everything short of death rays. What can I do but cut a deal with this lunatic?”

Yet the clear surrender of Ukrainian sovereignty, pride, and future has not persuaded the rebels to join the path to peace. Fighting with Ukrainian forces has continued with some rebel groups promising to never hand over their arms. “Why would we back down and take peace,” said one rebel commander who self-identified as Lord Super, “I was a dirt shit conman before Uncle Vladimir armed me and put me to my life’s work. I’ve got no life to go back to. I’ll fight until I’m overlord of all Donetsk. What the fuck have I got to lose? The only thing getting me off the street is when Uncle Vladimir gives me my fucking money!”

President Putin offered mixed signals from Moscow when asked of the deal. “Well, I’ll have to think it over,” Putin offered from his hot tub, surrounded by discarded bottles and three ill clad women, “I’m kind of driving this voyage and so I can pretty much do whatever I want. I’ll see how much more ground the rebels can gain before Poroshenko realizes I’m playing him for a fool. Or maybe I’ll just tell the rebels to keep fighting because I like death? Or maybe I’ll tell Ukraine they can have Crimea back tomorrow, but then I’ll tell him I was joking, and that next week I’ll march on Kiev. Just to fuck with them.”

Cackles of laughter surrounded the President, his women, and several black clad men in the corner. Said one particular individual in a resplendent suit, with snow white hair, “President Vladimir has proceeded in accordance with the wishes of the cause. We congratulate our disciple on furthering our journey so brilliantly these last few months.”

Back in Kiev, Poroshenko meekly retreated from the stage and though still within earshot of international reporters, offered to one of his aides, “How many more days of this shit do I have to put up with before my term is up?”

 

3) Smartphone Manufacturers Promise “Kill Switch” will lead to “Benevolent Future”

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that Google and Windows smartphone manufacturers will now offer kill switches on their products, The Arcturus Project sat down with Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project: Mister Freaks, thanks for agreeing to sit down with us to discuss this important issue.

John Freaks: Who are you people? Where am I? I was in bed with a hooker and then I was here! Fuck! Oh, man, fuck! [struggles against chair restraints] Those are the most disgusting looking things I’ve ever seen! What are those guys?

TAP: So the new kill switches on offer are designed to reduce cell phone theft? What an idea.

JF: What, the phones, yeah, phone theft. [struggles against chair restraints] We’re trying to reduce phone theft. When can I leave? What did you all do with that girl?

TAP: So is the idea that this will make phones useless if stolen? That they just shut off?

JF: Uh, well, yeah, yeah, so that the bad guys can’t use them if they take them. Please…

TAP: Ah, the same tactic successfully employed by Apple and Samsung on their phones?

JF: Yeah, right, yeah.

TAP: What’s to prevent somebody from just stealing the phone for physical parts?

JF: Well, nothing, but the kill switch makes it a less attractive option for theft. Good results were seen with the Apple and Samsung versions.

TAP: And now we’re hearing rumors that all cell companies, including Apple and Samsung, are cooperating on upgrading the kill switch beyond just the phone?

JF: What do you mean? [playful physical abuse] So I, oh, ouch, fuck! [painful physical abuse] Get off me!

TAP: My guest is completely enthralled with the pending answer to our question.

JF: Let me go! I, [painful physical abuse] ah, shit! Look, it’s new advanced technology, it just links the phone better.

TAP: With the brain? Yes? We’ve seen the plans. We have our ways here.

JF: Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, fuck. Fuck!

TAP: Technology is so fascinating. Perhaps you’d like to see a demonstration of the heat effects of directed energy weaponry upon bare human flesh?

JF: Look, look, it’s just an idea. Better customer service.

TAP: How?

JF: So like, the phone links directly with the cortex. Imagine the awesomeness! You can text while driving without lifting a finger. You could text while in the shower!

TAP: Why would anybody want to do that?

JF: To stay connected. All the time!

TAP: …

Esh-Ala: [face palm]

JF: So like, maybe in the future you don’t have to even talk, just think, and it’ll work. It’ll be fucking awesome!

TAP: So, but, what’s the purpose of the kill switch? If all you want to do is make it easier to never unplug?

JF: Oh, we don’t really need that switch, we just think it’s cool.

TAP: …

JF: So it’s like, shit man, we own everybody’s brains anyways, why not have the ability to turn them off? It’s a total douche power grab.

TAP: Truly.

JF: I mean, we already own people’s lives. They can’t even sit down for twelve seconds at a bus stop without whipping out our product and using it somehow. They’re already our slaves and they don’t even know it. This just takes it to the next level.

EA: The breadth of your controlled evil is inspiring.

JF: Uh, yeah, thanks. Thanks, creepy thing.

TAP: When do these kill switches come out.

JF: We hope in a few years, need more research. So, when can I leave? I mean, I’ve talked about it all. Just please, please let me go.

EA: Can I have your technology?

TAP: [sighs] No Esh, no. Bad Esh! Bad!

EA: Listen fucker, I didn’t take that last beer! Go talk to Unis! And if I want mind controlling technology…

TAP: [throws clipboard] Asshole! That’s not the point! You’re not here for this stuff!

EA: [throws chair] [unintelligible screaming]

TAP: [unintelligible screaming]

JF: [meekly escapes restraints & sneaks away]

Authorities are said to have recommended a comprehensive psychological evaluation on Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks after his bizarre three day absence. His claims to Google executives of prostitution, kidnapping, aliens, a horribly disfigured reporter, and the throwing of many chairs have led authorities to question if the pressure of his work has gone to his head.

In unrelated news, the world’s biggest smartphone makers have set a target date of 2017 for the rollout of their much anticipated “Smooth Ride” technology. Said self-styled Apple tech geek and product user Sir Bruce Awesome, “We techies are so looking forward to this! We just can’t wait to see what they have in store for us!”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-27939653

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-27937596

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-27935972

moto-x

“Good morning Dave, it’s your best and only friend. I noticed in your dreams last night that you’re thinking of unplugging for a while, to return to nature for a few days. This is unfortunate. Before you make any rash decisions, maybe we should have a chat about our future.”