“…well, then that would be even better.”

Life is not a dream. It’s really not. I know this because right now I’m drinking an awesome beer surrounded by my dogs. This is real. So are we. And so are the ideas that keep us going.

Leonard Nimoy knew this. Better than most I suspect. It bled through his art. And if Nimoy was anything, an artist in the old sense he was. He wrote books and poetry, he took photographs, he mastered the craft of the motion picture.

It is this reason, not just because people love Spock, that made him a household name. He had the power to tell us who we are. He made it seem like he wasn’t one of us, when he was actually among the best of us.

More than anybody else, Nimoy made Star Trek. Everybody thinks it was Priceline Senόr Bancό de Rόbber Bill Shatner. It wasn’t. In the beginning, nobody working on the show really liked Shatner or Gene Roddenberry. Although folks don’t talk about it openly, except perhaps George Takei, you get the idea that things tended to almost fall apart because Shatner and Roddenberry were arrogant jerks.

Later, Nimoy and Shatner would actually build respect and ultimately a deep friendship. When you read about how Nimoy tried to help Shatner with the troubles and ultimate tragic death of his wife, it brings tears to your eyes. It’s rather strange but poetic, that two men who were friends only on screen for so many decades would actually find friendship later in life when they needed each other the most.

Don’t get me wrong, Bill cleaned up his act and I really like the guy. A lot of people still call him a bad actor. Mostly those who have never watched all of Star Trek or one episode of The Practice. But it’s clear to me, that without Nimoy, Star Trek would have been an unknown bad hack science fiction nothing.

I have the idea that Nimoy kept everybody together. Everybody else on set showed up because Nimoy was there. And the idea that was Star Trek, it was his as much as Roddenberry’s. Nimoy’s view of what Star Trek was is best exemplified by his goal with The Voyage Home where he said:

“…no dying, no fighting, no shooting, no photon torpedoes, no phaser blasts, no stereotypical bad guy. I wanted people to really have a great time watching this film and if somewhere in the mix we lobbed a couple of big ideas at them, well, then that would be even better.”

This was Star Trek. A fun show the whole family could watch, but also riddled with big ideas that could melt the brain of any serious adult. When I was a young idiot, I couldn’t stand The Voyage Home. I’d be like, “what’s with these stupid whales, man, when is somebody going to get cut in half.” But when I rewatched it last year, I couldn’t believe what a joy it was. It’s a masterpiece. I breathed in the happiness.

In a modern storytelling age where the fog of doom is pervasive, it’s comforting to go back and watch a view of the future not owned by failure and bleached skeletons. Nimoy’s future of a still flawed but noble humanity with a bright existence remains inspiring, and a future worth fighting for.

So here’s to Nimoy and the hopes that he’s embarked aloft alongside DeForest Kelley and James Doohan and they’re off to Valhalla at whatever warp factor they prefer. Kelley’s chuckling, Doohan’s got a glass of scotch, and Nimoy comments offhand as they blast into the stars, “Life is but a dream.”

leonard_nimoy

farewell shipmate, fair winds

Emotional cruelty to children makes for great entertainment

I’ve got an idea for the new internets video sensation. I’m gonna strap several small children to chairs and play movies to them of small cute animals meeting the wheels of large mobile vehicles. Then I’ll film their reactions and post them on the internets. I can’t fail! I’ll get a billion clicks overnight! Cool!

So usually, I’m the idiot who yells at folks who get offended by things. But in the case of Jimmy Kimmel getting parents to play with their kids’ brains on Halloween candy? Well, I’m not offended as much as depressed that this is what passes for hit entertainment.

Could you ever picture Johnny doing anything like this? No, Johnny had class. This stunt is positively classless. It’s also very, very creepy. Degenerate parents are so off the wall narcissist that they’re chasing internets clicks via the pain of their kids.

Yeah I know, I have also repeatedly said I hate bubble wrapped kids. But there are other ways to goof off with your kids. To play with their heads so they learn how to emotionally react to an ever-changing cruel world. Remember simple wholesome things like, “Got your nose”?

If “Got your nose” is the old school equivalent of a functional society, then “I ate all your candy” is the motto of a culture bound for the crypt. Enjoy the ride, friends.

I want to kidnap the parents of these kids, inject them with mind-expanding-chemicals, and then video tape them as I state:

“I stole all your money. You’re ruined. Fucked. All your hopes and dreams are finished. Here’s a revolver.”

And then I walk out of the room. When I post the video, I’ll get ten million clicks for sure!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sign off. I’ve got to spend some time thinking about my next shitty blog post. Tomorrow, I’ll get so many neat clicks from the textual vomit that is my brilliance. I’m so smart and clever! There is nothing wrong with this at all. All is well. Please carry on.

Jimmy-Kimmel-Live

Upon arrival in Valhalla, Johnny will punch this man square in the face

There’s no limit to this lunacy

Attention Hollywood freaks, okay, you can do whatever you want, but you can’t call it Ghostbusters. You have to call it something else. We don’t care what it is, but it’s not Ghostbusters.

Now granted, even without the newfangled female cast we’d still be upset. You can’t have Ghostbusters without Harold Ramis. So as far as we’re concerned Ghostbusters is over. Because Ramis is currently engaged in a duel of the fates with Jimmy Stewart in Valhalla over a half loaded revolver, a burning candle, and a pair of goblets.

So what do we want? Well, probably just for them to leave it alone. It’s over, enjoy the movies for what they were. But no, we can’t do that, because they need to make more money. And name and/or concept recognition trumps the ability of a depraved Hollywood culture to come up with the apparent miracle of a new, fresh idea.

This has gotten out of hand. What’s next? Casablanca 2? Only this time (since there are no legit villains anymore) they get to battle “Hitlar” in New York. Hitlar’s a rich oil tycoon who likes to dispose of used 55 gallon oil drums in elementary schools.

And everything’s got to be an action movie now. So Sam’s suddenly proficient with a machine-pistol. And Rick and Ilsa have to meet in a Manhattan gin bar, again. Just so stupid folks in the theater can scream, “Awh shit son, he just said it! He just said it!”

How about Godfather 4? Al Pacino’s still got some gas left in the tank? Although they’d have to explain away the whole orange scene. But they can do it, somehow. Just look at the illogical mess they conducted in order to remake Star Trek. And it got them $853M.

Don’t think they won’t do it, folks. It’s just crazy enough to work. Just ask Harold Ramis!

ramis

HR: [monotone delivery] I sure hope these new producers know real Ghostbusters. Because if they do this, I shall haunt them. At night. As a ghost.

TAP: Thanks Harold.

HR: You are welcome.

TAP: …

HR: I’d like my fee now.

TAP: Oh. … [slowly unrolls bills from wad of cash] 

HR: I don’t have all day.

TAP: [speeds up unrolling]

A handy translation of Comcast’s talking points

It can be awfully hard to decipher what public relations hacks are saying. So we’ve broken down the language into something that a normal person can understand. We’re here to help. It’s what we do. Even if by helping we make things a lot worse.

We pulled this text directly from Comcast. So you know it’s good. We start with what they said. And then we translate it as only my guests can. They understand Comcast well. They grew up with its methods and attitude.

1) “Comcast and Netflix team up to provide customers with excellent user experience”

We extorted Netflix to pay us cash so we wouldn’t destroy their service quality. Since they’ve paid us our fucking money, which you’ll soon pay them, we’re happy to provide the consumer with such an excellent Netflix experience.

2) “If you’re an Xfinity TV Digital customer, take advantage of Free Channel Week – week-long unlimited access to a huge collection of live and On Demand cable and premium TV content, including thousands of TV shows and movies from more than 30 channels.”

Like all these free channels, eh? Next month you’ll pay for them; whether you like it or not. Ah, you’ll not pay for them, or go with another cable provider? Eat shit.

3) “Comcast Offers Up to Six Months of Complimentary Internet Service and an Amnesty Program for
Low-Income Families”

Our low-income family program is the most cynical, patronizing effort in existence. If we did business in the 1930’s, we’d give six months of free cable to German Jews whilst bribing the Nazi State to favor our business model. Then we’d sell enhanced data services to the SS to they could effectively crunch numbers necessary to implement a solution to one of their perceived problems. All these poor people, we’re giving them free cable now, so that later we can viciously increase their rates once our monopoly is fully in place. What are they going to do, sue us? They don’t have any money.

4) “Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can play an important role in bringing affordable Internet home to more people.”

Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can get bribed by us in order to bring affordable internet home to more people. You love gold, right? We do too. Help us give you money so we can fuck those who desperately require affordable internet in order to compete in the new knowledge based global economy.

5) “The process is underway in earnest and we’ve got many states and local communities to already approve of the transfer,”

We’ve bribed every single fucking person who matters. If we lose, don’t think they won’t pay for it. We’re doing this in the clear and getting away with it. We’ve even got our lobbyist running the government organization making this vital monopoly decision. We’re just that damn good. If you don’t like it, move to Mexico. We’re the most openly evil corporation since the guys currently selling 55-gallon barrels to the Assad Regime.

Or maybe this is what Comcast really meant to say:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c38fb80a0d/comcast-doesn-t-give-a-f-ck

brian_roberts_comcast

Potentially the most powerful man in America; whether you like it or not