How ya doing, you old pirate? So good to see you! (oh, ah, or not?)

We focus on solving humanity’s most egregious and dastardly problems. It’s what we do. Which is a really bad thing. Because we’ve got a lot of problems. We’re a bunch of unhinged freak lunatics here.

Why is Lando not in the new Star Wars?

Everybody loves Billy Dee Williams. We all love the character. So where is he?

It’s not because Williams is old. Mark Hamill’s got gout and a robot leg, yet he’s there.

It’s not because Williams doesn’t like Star Wars. He voices Lando on the garbage cartoon Star Wars Rebels.

When you read online, there’s almost nothing on this. Williams is a class act on and off the screen, and has taken the high road by saying almost nothing.

I see three possible explanations for this most vicious of all today’s global crimes:


1) The Cynic

Billy Dee Williams was once arrested for allegedly (remember kids, in today’s modern culture “allegedly” means guilty until proven innocent) working over his girlfriend. Because Hollywood loves money, they don’t want past alleged domestic violence tainting their billion dollar movie’s marketing campaign (remember Ray Rice) and so they’ve removed Williams as a distraction from the Diz-nee engineered extravaganza to come.


2) The Angry

JJ Abrams is an overrated hack-businessman-before-filmmaker who’s going to ruin the franchise (again). As part of this effort, he either doesn’t care about Lando or believes he’s unimportant. This shall be part of the overall quest by Abrams to turn Star Wars into his latest mind-melting-CGI-action-adventure-crap for twelve year old boys hitting puberty.

Hey remember all that space adventure stuff that was a good ole fun time for the whole family? Not anymore. Now it’s all dark, awful, action, and special effects. For instance, in Star Trek: Into Darkness, instead of a fun science fiction adventure, we got these memorable heart-warming scenes:

vicious terrorist bombing; seeing Captain Pike cut in half by a large-frame-directed-energy-weapon; screaming men and women get blown out into open space (again); having an admiral brutally murder his own shipmates in a horrible act of narcissistic rage; having said admiral get his skull crushed by a psychopath’s bare hands in front of the admiral’s screaming daughter; see Zachary Quinto channel his inner Edward Norton and curb stomp said psychopath in cinema’s most out of character moment since Darth Vader said “Padme” on screen; observe several-hundred-thousand innocent civilians die horribly in San Francisco with wanton building destruction that made the London Blitz look like Lil’ JJ’s Happy Funtime Hour

Gee, awesome, wasn’t that movie fun! Now Star Wars will be the same enjoyable experience. The kind of experience that makes you want to slash your wrists as you leave the theater.

So we can’t have Lando in the movie. Because he was a fun character. None of that fun trash anymore. I guess they think fun no longer sells? I guess?


3) The Hopeful

Lando is actually in the movie and will show up at the end at a critical moment of the plot. He takes decisive action leaving the audience cheering. And we end the film on a cliffhanger, the audience still cheering, because Lando’s a badass, and we run out of the theater excited to see the next upcoming film.


My money’s on #2, but I truly, truly hope it’s #3.

In the meantime, enjoy this funny clip. Peace, love, joy, and happiness to all this season.

Over to you Lando, it’s time to smile again:


Oh man, please be #3, I’m completely losing my faith in movies

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