Tag Archives: Culture

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vicious drivers are getting worse

I blame smartphones. And nature. And our four-second-feedback culture. Oh, and squirrels too. Bastards.

So yesterday I drove three hours for a job interview(s). And then drove back immediately. Eleven hours total. My breakfast and lunch was a new tank of gas, a granola bar, and small bag of peanuts. So I’m a lunatic [sticks hand in air] but mine doggies appreciated the relative briefness: “Oh Dad [tail(s) on auto-vibrate] we haven’t seen you in ten hours!”

Whence driving back, I got viciously passed in the highway fast lane by a Volvo (I drive a clown car). If I had not emergency braked, I’d have hit his back left bumper big time. Probably death for both of us at those speeds. I suspect he did not know I braked because I think he thought he was the overall man of the moment.

For you see, whence he passed my clown car driving his hot red Volvo, he slowed down a few feet in front of my bumper and pointed toward the right shoulder of the highway. As if to indicate one of the following non-verbal statements:

1) Get out of the fast lane where you do not belong, clown car

2) Look at how awesome my shit-hot red Volvo is, pull over to admire its redness

3) Your car looks like it’s ready to break down, please pull over to inspect it for safety purposes, signed, your fellow-concerned-human

My bet is his belligerent hand signal meant all three. On the other hand, I was driving 80 in a 60 zone at the time. So when you think about it, he was driving north of 90. Which makes him even more of a lunatic than me. Which is like trying to solve differential calculus on an abacus.

Then this morning whilst commuting to my Cubicle of Doom, the car behind me got the high-beam-flashy treatment when the car behind him got angry with his speed-of-advance. This was on a road that was essentially bumper-to-bumper. Uh…

So what’s behind all this ridiculously-impatient-reckless driving?

I blame smartphones. And nature. And our four-second-feedback culture. Oh, and squirrels too. Bastards.

When you can call up an app that tells you the meaning of life in eight seconds? Well, I guess you get a little impatient when you have to wait six seconds in your car. That is, until such reckless driving results in your untimely, early death.

On the other hand, I was the moron driving 80 in a 60 zone to get home to my dogs. So I think I’m part of the problem. Damn.

burning car

my future awaits

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my phone is my brother’s keeper

It’s good to know that if nothing else, your personal technology cares for you. Militant zombie assassins might desire your brain(s), but your phone will still be there for you. It’s so pleasant, you cannot possibly object. Can you?

So last night while attempting to max increase the music widget volume on my Samsung phone, I was kindly confronted with the following warning message before I could proceed:

“Listening at a high volume for a long time may damage your hearing. The volume will be increased above safe levels.”

Gee, thanks Samsung! It’s good to know you care. Without your wise guidance, I might have damaged my hearing.

But then I just maxed out the volume anyways. Hmm, in the future will the phone shock you if you disobey its kind, gentle warning?

Please don’t get me wrong, this is not an anti-Samsung rant. Apple is the most overrated corporation since the East India Company.

This rant is about lawyers and their stupidity. And the do-gooders who back them, truly believing it’s their duty and right to control human behavior.

Maxing out the volume on my music is precisely the point. When I’m cooking after a hard day at work, drinking beer, I want to feel the music in my spine. And if I damage my ears or spine in the process? Oh well, it’s my call. It’s my decision.

I’m reminded once from university, a snarky guest lecturer lawyer who told us to thank a lawyer when we saw a warning label on a knife that said, “Do not insert in child”.

Oh man, my brain, it hurts! Help me zombies. Help!

 

Dried Pasta:

“Note: Boil pasta in water prior to consuming.”

 

Blanket:

“Warning: Do not set alight.”

 

Car:

“Driving this motor vehicle my result in fatal and/or horrific debilitating injury involving the insertion of metal and/or glass shards into your corporeal form.”

 

Shower:

“Showering at a high temperature for a long time may damage your skin. The high temperature will be increased above safe levels.”

 

Banana:

“Caution: Do not use to perform surgery.”

 

Shoes:

“Note: Do not step on a prone human.”

 

Bathing Suit:

“Use of this item in an ocean environment may result in belligerent stingray or squid attack. Wearer is advised to don item only in the bathtub.”

 

Beer:

“Use of this product can make you happy. Purchaser is advised to not consume beverage in any quantity whatsoever.”

 

Outdoor Sporting Events:

“Use of this outdoor athletic facility requires athlete and spectator knowledge of lighting strike risk. Athletes are required to not use facility and adopt an indoor only sports posture such as video games.”

 

The Zoo:

“Warning: Risk of vicious, widespread, organized, unbridled mass animal breakout is greater than that of Moon striking Earth’s surface. Accordingly, The Zoo is closed forever. Please take your disappointed, crying children elsewhere. We don’t give a fuck.”

 

Samsung Smartphone Music Widget:

“Use of this product may inhibit your will to live via the warm, comfortable, and steady degeneration of your common sense and the human spirit via perpetual prompting from machines, lawyers, and do-gooders. Please cooperate. We appreciate said cooperation.”

 

samsung

Please obey. You don’t want any trouble? Do you?