my phone is my brother’s keeper

It’s good to know that if nothing else, your personal technology cares for you. Militant zombie assassins might desire your brain(s), but your phone will still be there for you. It’s so pleasant, you cannot possibly object. Can you?

So last night while attempting to max increase the music widget volume on my Samsung phone, I was kindly confronted with the following warning message before I could proceed:

“Listening at a high volume for a long time may damage your hearing. The volume will be increased above safe levels.”

Gee, thanks Samsung! It’s good to know you care. Without your wise guidance, I might have damaged my hearing.

But then I just maxed out the volume anyways. Hmm, in the future will the phone shock you if you disobey its kind, gentle warning?

Please don’t get me wrong, this is not an anti-Samsung rant. Apple is the most overrated corporation since the East India Company.

This rant is about lawyers and their stupidity. And the do-gooders who back them, truly believing it’s their duty and right to control human behavior.

Maxing out the volume on my music is precisely the point. When I’m cooking after a hard day at work, drinking beer, I want to feel the music in my spine. And if I damage my ears or spine in the process? Oh well, it’s my call. It’s my decision.

I’m reminded once from university, a snarky guest lecturer lawyer who told us to thank a lawyer when we saw a warning label on a knife that said, “Do not insert in child”.

Oh man, my brain, it hurts! Help me zombies. Help!

 

Dried Pasta:

“Note: Boil pasta in water prior to consuming.”

 

Blanket:

“Warning: Do not set alight.”

 

Car:

“Driving this motor vehicle my result in fatal and/or horrific debilitating injury involving the insertion of metal and/or glass shards into your corporeal form.”

 

Shower:

“Showering at a high temperature for a long time may damage your skin. The high temperature will be increased above safe levels.”

 

Banana:

“Caution: Do not use to perform surgery.”

 

Shoes:

“Note: Do not step on a prone human.”

 

Bathing Suit:

“Use of this item in an ocean environment may result in belligerent stingray or squid attack. Wearer is advised to don item only in the bathtub.”

 

Beer:

“Use of this product can make you happy. Purchaser is advised to not consume beverage in any quantity whatsoever.”

 

Outdoor Sporting Events:

“Use of this outdoor athletic facility requires athlete and spectator knowledge of lighting strike risk. Athletes are required to not use facility and adopt an indoor only sports posture such as video games.”

 

The Zoo:

“Warning: Risk of vicious, widespread, organized, unbridled mass animal breakout is greater than that of Moon striking Earth’s surface. Accordingly, The Zoo is closed forever. Please take your disappointed, crying children elsewhere. We don’t give a fuck.”

 

Samsung Smartphone Music Widget:

“Use of this product may inhibit your will to live via the warm, comfortable, and steady degeneration of your common sense and the human spirit via perpetual prompting from machines, lawyers, and do-gooders. Please cooperate. We appreciate said cooperation.”

 

samsung

Please obey. You don’t want any trouble? Do you?

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One thought on “my phone is my brother’s keeper

  1. Radio, TV, or computer:

    “Use of this appliance could result in exposure to news. Side effects may include hypertension, stroke, or homicidal ideation. Consumer is advised to stick to reality TV and just vote the way we tell you.”

    It’s true, though. Lawyers ruin everything.

    Liked by 1 person

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