Some photos are just too good. But sometimes you have to look real carefully. Indo-Myanmar Friendship Store! Yours in friendship. Oh, ah, eh, maybe not. We’ve annotated accordingly. Hap tap The Economist.
Original image:
Our take:
Category Archives: Business
Indo-Myanmar Friendship Store!
Absurdity of the Week! Stupid Names!
Why do companies keep changing their names to shit that means absolutely nothing?!
And now it’s time for our weekly (not weekly) absurdity of the week fact to be published on a weekly (not weekly) basis. Oh, the joy of pointing out all of life’s little absurdities. (slowly loads revolver in a dark room)
SAIC became Leidos
(because you don’t want a computer company’s name to sound like a computer?)
Philip Morris became Altria
(so we’d forget they marketed death sticks to six year olds back in the forties?)
Blackwater became Xe became Academi
(goon academy?)
ING US became Voya
(uh…?)
Why are all these names creepy, poetic nonsense that sounds like divine excrement that emerged from Greek gods? Do these folks think they’ll suddenly become household memorable company terms because they now have a unique name? A name so unique it doesn’t exist as a real word in all of human history?
ING US is now Voya so they sound like a neat smooth sexual dream instead of a degenerate bank. Because nothing says I should trust all my money more with these guys, a company that trashed its cherished long term name for an unknown short term benefit.
You know what, everybody should do this. It’s a chance for a new start!
Hitler can change his name to Orsensya. Satan can become Astinara. Kim Jong Un, Destructicus.
Or take McDonalds! They’ve got some issues lately because their food, while nostalgically awesome, still leaves an aftertaste that reminds one of their old styrofoam tins. Chipotle and Five Guys are cleaning their clock because of silly things like food quality. Time for a new era!
McDonalds becomes Enarius
“i’m lovin’ it” becomes “culinary wisdom of the ages”
Ronald McDonald becomes Mister Enarius, a 55 year old white guy in a loose fitting toga who hangs out with little children alone at The Enarius House of Culinary Wisdom.
This idea cannot fail. Give me the $3M in marketing fees. What could go wrong?
A handy translation of Comcast’s talking points
It can be awfully hard to decipher what public relations hacks are saying. So we’ve broken down the language into something that a normal person can understand. We’re here to help. It’s what we do. Even if by helping we make things a lot worse.
We pulled this text directly from Comcast. So you know it’s good. We start with what they said. And then we translate it as only my guests can. They understand Comcast well. They grew up with its methods and attitude.
1) “Comcast and Netflix team up to provide customers with excellent user experience”
We extorted Netflix to pay us cash so we wouldn’t destroy their service quality. Since they’ve paid us our fucking money, which you’ll soon pay them, we’re happy to provide the consumer with such an excellent Netflix experience.
2) “If you’re an Xfinity TV Digital customer, take advantage of Free Channel Week – week-long unlimited access to a huge collection of live and On Demand cable and premium TV content, including thousands of TV shows and movies from more than 30 channels.”
Like all these free channels, eh? Next month you’ll pay for them; whether you like it or not. Ah, you’ll not pay for them, or go with another cable provider? Eat shit.
3) “Comcast Offers Up to Six Months of Complimentary Internet Service and an Amnesty Program for
Low-Income Families”
Our low-income family program is the most cynical, patronizing effort in existence. If we did business in the 1930’s, we’d give six months of free cable to German Jews whilst bribing the Nazi State to favor our business model. Then we’d sell enhanced data services to the SS to they could effectively crunch numbers necessary to implement a solution to one of their perceived problems. All these poor people, we’re giving them free cable now, so that later we can viciously increase their rates once our monopoly is fully in place. What are they going to do, sue us? They don’t have any money.
4) “Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can play an important role in bringing affordable Internet home to more people.”
Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can get bribed by us in order to bring affordable internet home to more people. You love gold, right? We do too. Help us give you money so we can fuck those who desperately require affordable internet in order to compete in the new knowledge based global economy.
5) “The process is underway in earnest and we’ve got many states and local communities to already approve of the transfer,”
We’ve bribed every single fucking person who matters. If we lose, don’t think they won’t pay for it. We’re doing this in the clear and getting away with it. We’ve even got our lobbyist running the government organization making this vital monopoly decision. We’re just that damn good. If you don’t like it, move to Mexico. We’re the most openly evil corporation since the guys currently selling 55-gallon barrels to the Assad Regime.
Or maybe this is what Comcast really meant to say:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c38fb80a0d/comcast-doesn-t-give-a-f-ck
Potentially the most powerful man in America; whether you like it or not
The Arcturus Project 