When it becomes impossible to give folks money

So if I was to leave say, over one-thousand in cash on a street corner, how long would it take to disappear? What about a fistful of gold coins? How about a nondescript sack with a dollar sign on it? Did you say something like three minutes, before it walked off? You’re wrong. Apparently it would sit there. For over three weeks. Nobody wants your money. Even the people you owe money to. 

What follows is an approximation, a rough dialogue consolidated from five or six phone calls, half-a-dozen e-mails, and numerous electronic actions. Is this a raw transcript? No, but who cares. I’m having fun with this, maybe. Because without having fun with this, I’d just be confused and angry. 

And anger’s not good kids, it gets to your bones. And you need those bones. They keep you from dying. Or maybe you’ll conclude that I’m very angry. Whatever, better to get out the anger in text form. Or with a good long run. I did that too. There are alternative ways to dispense with anger that are less productive than this.

The Arcturus Project: Hello.

Mortgage-Operation-Requiring-On-time-Non-negotiated-Sum: Yes, hello Sir, am I speaking with [redacted]?

TAP: Yeah.

[pointless & disingenuous pleasantries exchanged]

MORONS: We’re wondering if you’re aware of an outstanding balance of [redacted]?

TAP: What?

MORONS: …

TAP: What are you talking about?

MORONS: We’re wondering if you’re aware of an outstanding balance of [redacted]?

TAP: …

MORONS: …

TAP: What are you talking about?

MORONS: Are you aware we are also a debt collector?

TAP: I paid that bill.

MORONS: You did not, Sir.

TAP: I’ve paid that bill on time for over seven years.

MORONS: You did not, Sir.

[four hours of investigation later]

TAP: Why did you shut off the automatic bill pay? 

MORONS: We did not, Sir.

TAP: Then why does my bank say you did?

MORONS: Perhaps you’d like to try a one-time payment?

TAP: Whatever, let’s do that.

MORONS: It would appear this payment has not processed. Accordingly, we will now access you a late fee.

TAP: I have the cash. I’ve never missed a payment. Now what?

MORONS: Perhaps you’d like to try a one-time payment using a payment company?

TAP: Whatever, let’s do that.

MORONS: It would appear this payment has not processed. Are you aware we are also a debt collector?

TAP: Why is this not working? None of this makes sense.

MORONS: We are committed to a culture of excellent customer service.

TAP: …

MORONS: …

TAP: I have money. I want to give your company money. How do I do that?

MORONS: We’re not certain. Perhaps the problem could be related to the transfer of your account to our new computer system.

TAP: Wait, what?

MORONS: Sir?

TAP: What did you just say?

MORONS: We are committed to a culture of excellent customer service.

TAP: No, the thing about the computer system?

MORONS: A certain number of our accounts are on a new computer system as of this month.

TAP: …

MORONS: …

TAP: Why didn’t you mention this like six hours ago?  Why does your technology suck?

MORONS: Our computers work just as well as all computers.  Are you aware we are also a debt collector? 

TAP: How about you address the computer problem? Then let me try and pay again?

MORONS: Oh, uh, Sir, can I place you on a brief hold for a moment?

TAP: Yeah, sure.

[garbage elevator music plays] 

[clattering of belongings] [unintelligible grunts]

TAP [off phone]: What are you guys doing?

EA [off phone]: We’re going on a trip.

TAP [off phone]: Where?

EA [off phone]: We’ve had enough. This has gone on for far too long. We’re going to correct the imbalance.

TAP [off phone]: No, no, relax.

EA [off phone]: Just give us a second to bring the Teledar around. We’ll take it from there.

TAP [off phone]: No, bad Esh! Bad! Get back in your room. I’ll go get some beer. Relax.

EA [off phone]: You’re too relaxed given the circumstances and are thus unable to handle the situation. This lunacy must end. Allow us to help you resolve the situation in an equitable and just manner.

TAP [off phone]: I’ve got it, they’re fixing it.

EA [off phone]: Their behavior merits correction.

TAP [off phone]: I’m sure their shitty customer service will eventually result in consequences. It’ll catch up to them somehow.

EA [off phone]: I find your argument unpersuasive. The facts say otherwise.

MORONS: Sir. Sir?

TAP: What, yeah, I’m here.

MORONS: We have successfully processed your payment 

TAP: Okay, great.

MORONS: We are committed to a culture of excellent customer service.

TAP: You failed at that.

MORONS: Is there anything else we can do for you today?

TAP: What happens to next month’s auto payment now? 

MORONS: We’re not sure. Perhaps you should call back later to verify the new computer system has properly transferred your auto-pay.

TAP: So, yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s already failed. Otherwise why would we be talking? Can we just fix that now?

MORONS: We must wait three days after a payment has posted to alter your future payment options to ensure accurate future payment.

TAP: This is ridiculous.

MORONS: Would you like to take a brief customer service survey at the conclusion of this call?

[throws chair] [end communication]

TAP [off phone]: … [heavy breathing] [shifty eyes]

EA [off phone]: Well?

TAP [off phone]: Yeah okay let’s go.

burning-building-1

Chaos struck today at the headquarters of [redacted] Financial Corporation Limited. Employees arrived at work to find multiple fire departments on the scene of a twelve alarm blaze at the company’s [redacted] headquarters.

Authorities are scrambling to determine the location of the corporation’s gilded leadership who remain missing hours after several bizarre late hour kidnappings from their mansions. Witnesses describe wildly varying stories of suspects as strange, large men dressed in alien costumes accompanied by another small-child-man dressed as an elf. Authorities are baffled.

[redacted] Financial Corporation Limited’s recently appointed interim president Johnny McRich promised the company’s overall fiscal prospects remained solid. “We’ve got all the cash we need and then some. When in doubt, we’ll just take it from our customers. And if we need more, we’ll use our mighty fine lawyers to find a way to take their houses. What are they going to do? Sue us? Most of our customers don’t have any money. Fuck ‘em! And fuck you too.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s