Malik left to join an anti-vampire extremist cult

My sources are impeccable. My information cannot be controverted. My Guests possess the greatest resources imaginable. Less than one hour after his announcement, Malik boarded a KLM flight out of Leeds Bradford International Airport and by way of Amsterdam Schiphol ended up in Bucharest just before midnight.

A black Renault Koleos SUV took him from the curb and deep into the Transylvanian Hills. There he will begin his training, first focusing upon discipline of the mind, followed by the precise toning of his already music industry sculpted body. Only when he is judged worthy by The Elders will he take the blood oath and dedicate his life toward the ultimate destruction of the vampire race.

We, the Unhinged Hunted of humanity, may never see him again. Expect perhaps, perhaps, should the final struggle so called ‘Megolith’ by the prophecy occur. In which case, we will indeed see Malik again whence he emerges from the obscure cloaked world to lead his former screaming fans to Glorious Victory on the Battlefield of the Apocalypse.

Now, the only thing I know about One Direction is that they were in a Pepsi commercial with Drew Brees. Otherwise, seriously, I’d have no idea they’d existed. And you know what, in ten years, neither will you.

When McCartney left the Beatles, that was big. Folks will be listening to the Beatles on spaceships. Nobody’s going to remember One Direction was a thing. They’ll simply be replaced by another boy band indistinguishable in appearance, music, and expendability.

Now it’s not entirely their fault. Culture and entertainment are so fractured today. Nobody is watching or listening to the same things anymore. For example, if you’re old enough, I’m sure you at least remember New Kids on the Block.

How do you even remember who they were? Because in 1989 there was less stuff to listen to. So everybody talked about them. Everybody. And so you remember New Kids on the Block. But in all the years One Direction was real, I’ve never heard their name outside the Pepsi commercial.

And thus, cultural separation between 1989 and 2015 is right there. It’s not in your face anymore. You can be so powerful a band that your breakup makes girls cry worldwide. And yet be so obscure to the mass of humanity that a degenerate-loser-blog-author would not have ever heard your band’s name uttered once in public for years.

When you think about it, that’s really, really crazy. And a bit creepy. It’s a brave new world we’re living in, friends. We’re so very connected now. And yet, so very far apart.

zayn malik

May the blood of the human be with you in your battles, brother. We the human race, are counting on you. Death to All Vampires! [warriors pound chests; shout oath]

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