the Middle East is becoming complicated; so we interviewed an expert

Life is hard.  So is politics.  So is lunacy.  So is a vast mess that makes a Game of Thrones based bar brawl look like 2 + 2.  So we at The Arcturus Project decided to get to the bottom of this conundrum using the only way we know how.  Brutal methods.

If you’re new to this site, get used to it, it’s what we do.  If you’re foolish enough to have read this blog on a normal basis, well, enjoy, you know what’s happening.

The Arcturus Project:  Ambassador Hussein, thank you for agreeing to speak with us tonight.

Al Rakim Hussein Ismael:  Who are you!  Where am I?  How did I get here?!

TAP:  Let’s talk about Yemen.

ARHI:  I was preparing for bed, a long day of recruiting.  Now I’m here!  What was this dream of those creepy guys wearing monster masks!

TAP:  Life brings unexpected consequences.

ARHI:  Show yourself!  Explain this.

TAP:  Trust me, you don’t want to see anything, it’s just time to talk.  Then we let you go.

ARHI:  Nonsense!  I know nothing.

TAP:  You’ve been a senior Al Qaeda recruiter for two decades.  You know everything.

ARHI:  Lies!  All lies!  I sell spices!

TAP:  Do you want to talk and go home?  Or do you want to contemplate the concepts of anti-matter; my Guests can facilitate?

ARHI:  Al Qaeda is nothing.  Nothing!

TAP:  We know.  Please explain though.

ARHI:  After Sheik Bin Laden was assassinated we’ve fallen apart.  And now I’m kind of an all-purpose sort of…oh, shit.

TAP:  No, please, go on.

ARHI:  No, I can’t.

TAP:  We’re down with this here.  We don’t want suffering, just answers, and then you go home.  Just ask our friend Cai Wu.  Would you like to call him?

ARHI:  No, no, I’ve heard of you.  Your lunacy is famous in the most unhinged circles of all humanity.  I trust you.

TAP:  Good.

ARHI:  Yes.

TAP:  …

ARHI:  …

TAP:  So, like, uh, go on.

ARHI:  What?  Oh, yes, so Al Qaeda is a freak show now.  Zawahiri is a professor; but the one who all the students think is a secret convicted sex offender.  And so others have taken over.

TAP:  Like Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula?

ARHI:  Sort of, although those guys are beyond insane.  They don’t even have a full glass of water each day, but they try and blow up international airlines.  It’s insane.

TAP:  So I’m having a hard time here…

ARHI:  Yes?

TAP:  [furrows brow]  …Iran is against the so-called Islamic State but is for the so-called Houthis but is against Saudi Arabia but is for Hezbollah but is for the Assad regime and…

ARHI:  SILENCE!

TAP:  …

ARHI:  …

TAP:  What bro?

ARHI:  This is all so easy!

TAP:  Uh, okay.

ARHI:  Think of it?!

TAP:  Okay.

ARHI:  Iran and Saudi Arabia have decided to fight a world war.

TAP:  Right.

ARHI:  Iran supports Houthi,  Hezbollah, Assad, Iraqi Shia, etc.  All Shia!  Saudi Arabia supports Hadi, Hariri, Al Qaeda, Iraqi Sunni, etc.  All Sunni!  They’re fighting an Islamic civil war; a true world war.

TAP:  I see.

ARHI:  All you West; you’re idiots!  You’re all just tools of a broader struggle.  We’re all using you.  We’re using you as a pawn in our own civil wars.  You’re just too culturally stupid to realize it.  And too weak to make us stop.

TAP:  AQ in the Arabian Peninsula has carried their violence to the West and…

ARHI:  IDIOT!  AQAP has shot twelve guys in Paris, about 634% less than all Western gun violence this month alone.  AQAP tried to blow up one airplane, which is one airplane less than an actual twisted-Western-freak-citizen destroyed in the last week alone.  You all fear us, but you’re only afraid of yourselves.  IN THE MEANTIME!  We’ve used your fear to make you pick false sides.  To use your money and power to help one or the other side fight our own religious civil war.  Idiots!

TAP:  …

ARHI:  Don’t feel so bad.

TAP:  No?

ARHI:  No, Mohammed started our religion around 600.  Which means Islam is fighting wars whose ideas were created 1400 years ago.  For reference, about 1500 years after Jesus, Christians started killing each other by the millions over equally vicious and nonsensical religious bullshit.  Ever hear of the Thirty Year War?  That was unhinged-lunacy-reborn.  You had your phase.  Now you need to let us have ours.  Stay out of our way!

TAP:  Your words are haunting.

ARHI:  Your ignorance is mind-blowing!  Can I go now?

TAP:  Yeah, uh, sure.

ARHI:  Thank.  You.

TAP:  …

ARHI:  By the way; tell you aliens friends they look like shit!  Their Halloween masks hide nothing.

TAP:  Damn.

ARHI:  [knowing irrefutable laughter]

iraq north

We’re trying to fight history.  Maybe we should, you know, try not to.  And just get out of the way.

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