Ah yes, the wonderful joy of the season. Friendship, love, family, drunken car crashes, roaring fires, devastating break-ups, chestnuts, oh, and don’t forget intellectual brutality!
Hey remember when folks used to say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” in a generic joyful manner that brightened everybody’s day, even to total strangers? Oh, you do remember that? Did you like that? Oh, you did. Well fuck you! For you see, in today’s newfangled modern cultured world, using the terms “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” is likely to offend approximately 20% of the population depending on your circumstances.
My Guests wholly endorse this behavior! For you see, they hate all religion, including atheism. They see it as a distraction following their upcoming Glorious Global Conquest Spectacular!
Said Esh the other night, halfway into a Collins glass formerly full of rye whiskey within a single hour:
EA: Do you think I want to fucking deal with that shit when I’m Overlord of All Ohio? I don’t want to hear about Jesus or Buddha or a Ham Sandwich. I just need the chaff’s obedience! There’s only one god ruling this show!
TAP: Why Ohio?
TAP: Why Ohio?
EA: Fuck you! You’re missing my point.
TAP: Is it because you like the Browns? You have a crush on little Johnny?
EA: [viciously throws Collins glass]
My Guests have thus proposed the following equitable solution to remove all religious and non-religious hatred from the holiday season. All religious and non-religious greetings should be banned. That way, instead of love and joy, the human race can thus assume a posture of consistent hatred. Which will prove useful during the upcoming period of perpetual alien domination.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, Peace & Love, are all banned. Instead, the following shall be used, upon pain of torture:
Normal day: Greetings today.
Non-normal day: Greetings on today’s special day.
You see! See how easy this is. Now nobody will be offended! Ever. And we can all be happy again! See how much better we’ll all be when hatred is the constant spirit of all seasons?!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Peace & Love, Happy Hanukkah, As-salamu alaykum, and so on. And if any of these phrases of love and joy offend anybody? Kiss. My. Ass.