Tag Archives: Food

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they chose the wrong new Colonel Sanders

Dudes with big pockets want to play with your brain for nostalgia purposes. It works pretty simply. So we’ve developed a basic mathematical formula to describe what’s occurring inside your skull.

We’ll call it yet another of our Arcturan Equations:

 

A + B – (C / D) = E

(A) you see item that looks like it was made in 1977

+

(B) you have freaking money

–

(C) you lack the intellectual capacity or desire to think for yourself

/

(D) you convince yourself that a product is more genuine and therefore better if it was made in 1977

=

(E) you hand over said freaking money to buy said product

 

If you’re still not following me, you may be more familiar with this concept in terms of the infamous ongoing hipster PBR craze. These guys have made billions appealing to folks struggling with identity.

What better way to determine your place in an obscure confusing universe than by seeking equilibrium in the purchase of an item that was likely first made before you were born. Miller Lite got in on the action too. They now sport the old can again. And their sales dramatically increased.

What a bunch of idiots these people must be; to purchase a product exclusively off nostalgia alone!

[unintelligible muttering] What? [unintelligible muttering] Yeah, don’t get me wrong, I love Pabst because my Granddad drank it and named his dog after it. And I love Miller because me Ma drinks it. So I buy this stuff every once and a while, just because. [unintelligible snickering] Wait, hold on, so, you, you guys are jerks, so, ah, … [throws chair]

So Norm Macdonald is the new Colonel Sanders? The guy currently playing him isn’t any good. So maybe they figured a change would help them? But what always struck me as odd is why didn’t they just use the actual Colonel Sanders when they started this new ad campaign? Why didn’t KFC just use an old black and white commercial with the real Colonel Sanders? Total nostalgia.

Maybe the answer is as simple as they would have to pay more royalties to Sanders’ estate. I guess? Or is it that they figured if they went full on black and white nostalgia that it wouldn’t work. That they needed the Colonel back, but modern, otherwise folks would think it too weird?

I have no idea. But to me, it’s dumb seeing a fake Colonel Sanders on screen when they have perfectly good video of the real Colonel Sanders sitting in a vault somewhere. Just HD update the tape and shove it out there.

Also, Norm Macdonald? No, not working in my mind. For one thing, Norm Macdonald isn’t a 75 year old white haired Southern Colonel. Plus, Norm hasn’t done anything funny in like a decade.

But hell, if we’re going off the wheels and just picking whatever random person we want? Well, I assure you, they chose the wrong new Colonel Sanders.

 

– Any Kardashian or Jenner

I’ve tried unsuccessfully about 18 times to explain to my Guests why these morons are so popular, mostly because I don’t get it myself. But they always just shake their heads, laugh, and usually remark along the lines of, “This is why it’ll take us less than 12 hours to break your planet’s will.” And so, just put any Kardashian or Jenner in a white bikini holding a KFC box. They don’t even have to say anything. The video will still be viewed 73 million times.

 

– Ordinary Average Citizen Barack Obama

In a few years, this dude will be unemployed. Don’t you go ahead and get the idea that earning $243K per speech will be enough. He’ll need another source of income. What better way to further break down and/or inflame existing racial barriers than by having a mixed-race-former-president play an old-dead-white-guy on screen.

 

– Hitler’s Ghost

Who wouldn’t want to see Hitler on screen hocking any number of delicious wares? He seems like such a likeable guy. His punch line would be, “You’ll know for sure that our chicken is fried to perfection, never baked; because national Health Department regulations prohibit me from having an oven in my restaurant. #toosoon” [Hitler smiles at camera as laugh track plays]

 

– Jesus

“I hear tell from mine Father that those who eat Popeye’s worship the Dark Lord.” [Jesus looks earnestly at camera] “You don’t worship the Dark One? Do you?” Plus, Jesus already would show up on set with his own premade white costume. I called Jesus at his castle in Hawaii with this idea and he hung up on me.

 

– Your Next Door Neighbor

KFC just grabs Steve who works at Target and shoves him into the white suit they pulled off Sanders’ bleached skeleton. And they get him to read painfully awkward canned lines in a dead man’s suit. The dude would look so uncomfortable that the humor and outrage trolls of the Internets would take it and run wild with it. Within a week, it’d be viewed 81 million times.

 

– Satan

“Our delicious chicken is fried to perfection and coated in our Secret Signature Spices. It’s Finger Lickin’ Good.”

 

Col-Sanders

I’d much rather watch you dude.

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it’s cool when corporations get shovey before you’ve had your morning coffee

Business isn’t rocket science. When you really look at who fails and who doesn’t, it’s generally easy to identify the keys to success. As in, for the most part, try not to piss off your customers.

Such as, before your customer has had their coffee, it’s generally not a good idea to get shovey with them in an attempt to push product.

 

Kind Young Woman Parroting Talking Points Forced Upon Her By Giant Corporate Octopus: Good morning Sir, would you like to try our chorizo burrito today?

The Arcturus Project: Uh, no, thanks, can I just get a large black coffee please.

KYWPTPFUHBGCO: Would you like anything else? 

TAP: Uh, no thanks.

KYWPTPFUHBGCO: Would you like an apple pie?

TAP: Uh, no thanks.

 

1) Please leave me alone

2) I just want coffee; can’t we conduct this mutually beneficial transaction without any added nonsense

3) I can’t imagine walking into Chipotle and having them ask me if I’d like something other than what I’ve ordered, thrice; which probably goes a long way towards explaining why Chipotle is currently cleaning McDonalds’ clock

Enarius

maybe you need to stop being weird before you try and change the logo?

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Absurdity of the Week! Stupid Names!

Why do companies keep changing their names to shit that means absolutely nothing?!

And now it’s time for our weekly (not weekly) absurdity of the week fact to be published on a weekly (not weekly) basis. Oh, the joy of pointing out all of life’s little absurdities. (slowly loads revolver in a dark room)

SAIC became Leidos

(because you don’t want a computer company’s name to sound like a computer?)

Philip Morris became Altria

(so we’d forget they marketed death sticks to six year olds back in the forties?)

Blackwater became Xe became Academi

(goon academy?)

ING US became Voya

(uh…?)

Why are all these names creepy, poetic nonsense that sounds like divine excrement that emerged from Greek gods? Do these folks think they’ll suddenly become household memorable company terms because they now have a unique name? A name so unique it doesn’t exist as a real word in all of human history?

ING US is now Voya so they sound like a neat smooth sexual dream instead of a degenerate bank. Because nothing says I should trust all my money more with these guys, a company that trashed its cherished long term name for an unknown short term benefit. 

You know what, everybody should do this. It’s a chance for a new start! 

Hitler can change his name to Orsensya. Satan can become Astinara. Kim Jong Un, Destructicus. 

Or take McDonalds! They’ve got some issues lately because their food, while nostalgically awesome, still leaves an aftertaste that reminds one of their old styrofoam tins. Chipotle and Five Guys are cleaning their clock because of silly things like food quality. Time for a new era!

McDonalds becomes Enarius

“i’m lovin’ it” becomes “culinary wisdom of the ages”

Ronald McDonald becomes Mister Enarius, a 55 year old white guy in a loose fitting toga who hangs out with little children alone at The Enarius House of Culinary Wisdom.

Enarius

This idea cannot fail. Give me the $3M in marketing fees. What could go wrong?

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Apparently, Burger King supports despotism

Oh, how we love all that fancy, tasty cash. Especially if we’re corporate assholes. Then we really, really love all that fancy, tasty cash. Thus a company that enjoys the freedom and justice that gave birth to it is more than happy to acquire money from Ukrainians who’ve just lost their liberty.

Who knew that Burger King was an actual autocratic monarch? I guess they’re a little old fashioned. If a store employee displaces the joy of the manager, they’re beaten with sticks and then have their throats slashed back by the dry bun storage locker. It’s all very medieval.

Hey you know what else is quite medieval? Uncle Vladimir’s conquest of Crimea! So you would think folks would be rather careful in allowing their brand to be associated with Vlad and his recent Glorious Victory. You know, seeing as how he’s the bad guy and is in the process of running circles around the forces of liberty. Probably not the best time to get one up on McDonalds by taking their place in Crimea?

But in a world where gold trumps values, well, go get ‘em! You go get that vacant market opportunity you bastards! Why not? Nobody else has your reach, except McDonalds, and those pansies are too interested in making a statement in favor of justice. Stupid assholes, Burger King lives in the real world. They subscribe to the ancient concept that there are no rules. There are only bags with currency. And Burger King is going to play dirty and get rich, because why not.

Now a number of you will point out that it’s not Burger King’s responsibility to pick and choose. As a business their leadership has a responsibility to increase shareholder rates first. Well, I see your point, but that’s kind of like saying a corporation must be completely amoral. As long as Burger King increases shareholder cash, it’d be okay if their burgers were made out of human flesh.

Now that’s an extreme example, but the context is the same. We don’t allow corporations to do certain things because they’re wrong. Our standards, our morals are more important than raw cash. It’s wrong to blatantly support the theft of freedom just so you can increase your global share price by 0.000453% this quarter.

Now maybe I don’t understand franchising and this is the action of Burger King Russia or some other kind of nonsense. But Burger King got invented in America. I checked their public sites twelve seconds prior to publishing this post. If I was their boss, I’d have been on the news this morning pounding my fist on the table to separate my brand from this evil. They haven’t said a word. Silence is consent, assholes.

Whether you agree with Burger King’s action is up to you. But I say that Burger King supports despotism. From now on, I’m not buying Burger King and will encourage others to do the same. I want to live in a world where values matter. Where the sanctity of our liberty, and the liberty of others, is upheld by all aspects of our society and culture.

We should fight this on the battlefield the corporations respect the most, the cash register. Eventually business will have to learn that behavior that goes against freedom will get punished in the marketplace. Otherwise they’ll keep going until all our liberty is gone and replaced by gold coins. We’ve been there before in medieval times. We’ve evolved past that. I have no interest in going back.

Burger_King

Abandon hope all ye who enter here